Claustrophobic

I sat alone in my room, with nothing to do but look at old pictures. They were mostly just of my brother and I, but there were some of us with our friends.

I found some from when Tom and me were best friends. When we didn’t do anything separately. We were practically conjoined twins.

I remember being put in a different class at school once; it was the first of September – the first day of a new school year, and our birthday. They said it wasn’t good for us to hang out all the time, and we should get other friends too. Boy, did we kick up a fuss. I smiled at the memory.

“You can’t put me in a different form to my brother!” I shouted at my new class teacher. It was my tenth birthday, and I was crying like a baby. I frowned at myself. “He’s my best friend!”

“You need to get other friends as well as your brother, Isabelle,” she snapped. “It’s not good for you.”

The door opened, and Tom walked in, looking angry at the entire country’s education system. This was not how he wanted to spend his birthday. “Hey Bell,” he smiled, and I sniffled, trying to stop crying, as he put his arm around my shoulders.

“Mr Kaulitz, please go back to your own classroom!”

“I’m not leaving my sister here, not if she’s upset.”

“You really do need to go back to your own form room, Mr Kaulitz,” she hissed angrily. I knew she was only calling him ‘Mr Kaulitz’ because she couldn’t remember his name, but knew his surname was the same as mine.

“I amnot leaving my little sister here alone.” he tightened his grip on me, but not enough for his hold to be uncomfortable. “You’ve got no chance.”

They eventually said that we could go in the same class, so long as we promised to make other friends too. We half-kept the promise – we never got close friends with anyone else, but we didn’t make enemies either.

I miss being the one he looks out for. Of course, there’s nothing I could do about it – not without spending my life unhappy. I don’t want to be a girl, because I am not a girl, and when I realised that, I also knew that I would lose people – people would think I was a freak. I just didn’t realise that I would lose my brother.

His words earlier knocked around in my head, feeling like they must be making bruises on my skull.

I realised that I couldn’t sit and think about how Tom hated me. To me, he would always be Tomi – my brother Tomi – and if he ever decided that he accepts me, I would welcome him back with open arms.

But those arms wouldn’t belong to a girl’s body.