That's the Way Things Are

John was downstairs ordering food. He didn't let me leave the room at all, only to use the bathroom. So I was using this moment to leave the room.

I walked down the carpeted hallway and stopped in front of the door. I took a deep breath and pushed the door open. I smiled for a brief second as I looked around the baby room and then all of a sudden was filled with nothing but sadness. I walked into the room and took a little blue bear off the little dresser I hugged the little bear and then looked at it. I single tear slid down my cheek and I put the bear back. I walked over to the baby changing area and picked up the baby monitor that was sitting on the side.

I wanted to hear my baby cry through it. This was to much for me to handle. I quickly put down the monitor and spun around wanting to run out of the room fast.

But as I did, I came in contact with Johns chest. I just started crying. He hugged me to his chest as I sobbed.

"I'm sorry" I cried not moving my head from his chest. I just kept crying

"Stop saying your sorry, I'm sick of the words I'm sorry"

"I'm soaking you shirt with my tears" I said with a gentle laugh as I pulled away

"Awe see, that's what I wanted to see,I love your smile" he said as he rested a hand on my cheek

"Can we get rid of all this stuff though?"

"What if we decide to have another baby?" he asked quietly

"No John, I don't want kids, ever"

"Addison, please"

"No" I said firmly

"How about I just put a lock on this door so no one can come in?"

"Fine" I said with a sigh" but there's no reason to keep all this stuff" I said as we started to walk out of the room.

John didn't say anything as we walked out of the nursery.

"Back to the room" John said as he led me down the hallway.

"No John, please I don't want to" I whined as I attempted to stop walking

"Addison, you need your rest"

"Can't I just go down to the living room with you and wait for the food? Ill just lay on the couch"

"Fine" he said with a sigh. He slid his arm around my waist as he led me down the stairs.oh god how I hated these stairs.

"Alright lay" he said as he stopped us in front of the couch.

"Lay with me" I said as I pulled him down on the couch with me. He just chuckled lightly.

"Did you know our one year was two months ago?" John asked as we layed facing each other on the couch.

"Our what?" I asked a little confused

"We were married for a year two months ago"

"Oh my god no way. Wow I forgot, I feel stupid"

"Don't because I didn't remember either, I was talking to my dad the other day and he mentioned it, I think the pregnancy just distracted us"

"Yea" I said softly.

"Addison.."

"John let's just not talk about me ever being pregnant"

"Okay" he said softly. And we just looked at each other, not breaking contact.

Then the door bell rang. I smiled softly and he chuckled.

"Its the food" he said and got up.
~~~

"John go to practice" I whined

"Addison, are you insane? After what happened you honestly think I'm going to leave you?"

"I'm going to my parents place anyway"

"Why?"

"My mom wants to like hangout with me, make sure I'm doing okay, and basically just wants to be with me"

"Oh"

"So go to practice?"

"Fine"

~~~

****Johns POV*****

"How's
Addy?" Kennedy asked as we were setting up our equipment so we could start practice.

"She's doing better as the days progress, she's with her mom right now"

"That's good. I'm happy about that"Kennedy responded.

"Dude can I ask you something?"

"Go ahead"

"Do you have like a thing for her?" and by now everyone else was listening in.

"I like her, she's different, but you guys are married I would never go for her, I swear"

I just sighed

"That's what I thought, I mean when you two are together its like you don't notice anyone but each other, its annoying" I said and I wasn't mad. I was actually calm just having a normal conversation.

"Look man I'm sorry, she's yours and I know that. I won't ever try to steel her away or anything, I promise"

"Thanks bra, but look, don't act anyway different towards her, don't change. She loves being around you and you make her smile, and all I want to see is her smile."

"That's so cute man" Kennedy said with a little laugh, I just smiled.

"So I'm guessing she's not taking this whole baby thing to good?"Jared asked and I looked at him like are you seriously asking that fucking question?and then he continued"I mean I know shes not okay with it, I know you arnt either, but like will she be okay? I know when women have miscarriages they tend to think its the end of the world"

"Well you called that one. Addison is so beat up about all this that she doesn't want kids ever"

"But you want kids"Garrett said matter of factly

"That I do"

"So what are you going to do about that?" Pat asked

"Absolutely nothing. Just wait until she's ready. I mean not to say anything negative but I don't think she likes me. I mean I think she likes me but not likes me likes me, you get it?"

"Go on"Pat said confused

"I mean we cuddle and she doesn't cringe when I touch her, she doesn't care when I kiss her on the forhead or whatever, but I mean I still don't think she wants to be married to me. Like I know for a fact she likes Kennedy more, and our first child would have been an accident because we had drunken sex, and I mean that's the only way she would ever sleep with me. So I don't think she wants kids because she doesn't want to sleep with me."

"Or maybe because she just lost a child" Garrett said.
"She said it before, she wants children, just not with me, and I mean I don't even know what's going on with us, we have been acting more like a married couple since the baby and the baby passing, but what's going to happen when all this blows over? We won't have a reason to be so close to each other. I mean she won't need me to sleep with her or comfort her and keep her from crying. And I don't even know how I feel. I'm just mixed up with my emotions about her, we're up and then we're down, then we're up again. "

"Do you love her?"Kennedy asked softly

"Sometimes" I said honestly

"Sometimes?" pat asked completely confused.

"Sometimes I love her more then the world, like I want it to be just me and her, and then there are times she just pisses me off and I want to be alone.I don't know how I feel about her completely. Its undecided. I mean I gave up Daisy for her completely, but I don't know if that was the right move you know? I mean I know for a fact I love Daisy, but Addison, I'm just not sure. I mean I know she doesn't want the marriage to work, I'm not good enough is how I feel sometimes.She sends me mixed signals all the time and I fucking hate it"

"Give her time"Pat said getting behind his drum set

"I've been giving her that for the past year and its gotten us barely anywhere" I said sadly and softly.