Redemption

I had had un-pleasurable sex, rough sex, unwanted sex, but nothing even came close to this. The only up side was that it didn’t last very long. Yet it was the longest seven minutes of my life.

Tears stained my cheeks as he grunted, finding some sick pleasure in it all. Then someone came in. He was unfamiliar and his words were slurred, but my asshole of a father quickly got off me and pulled his pants up. They exchanged words and left the room, leaving me sobbing on the bed.

I would have stayed lying there, but I couldn’t. I rapidly dressed myself and went and grabbed the bags I had in my room. My vision was blurred as I ran out of the house and into my rental car.

I drove away but stopped about three blocks away from the house, considering how I couldn’t see a thing through the tears that stained my eyes. All the times before that I had felt dirty, unworthy, wanting to die, all of those times couldn’t compare to this.

I felt horrible, I felt dead on the inside, and I felt as if though I wanted to be dead on the outside as well.

My shaky hand wiped the tears from my eyes as I drove to the airport. I was looked at like some freak, my clothes had tears in them and I was sobbing, but no one said anything. No one cared. I was going to go buy a ticket but I needed a minute. My sobs were too heavy for anyone to understand me if I tried to talk.

I sat on a bench inside the airport and sobbed. No one asked if I was okay, they just walked by me. I wrapped my arms around my body and rocked back and forth as I cried. I suddenly felt the urge to vomit. I ran to the nearest bathroom and into a stall and vomit spewed from my mouth.

I sat on the bathroom floor and cried some more and then threw up again. The world was spinning and I felt lost. No words could describe how I felt. No matter how much I said I felt horrible or dirty that couldn’t even describe my feelings. Unless you were raped by a parent, you wouldn’t understand. It was the feeling of total worthlessness, of being undeserving, lower than everything, the sinking feeling that you wished you were never born.

A lady came in to clean up the bathroom and found me crying on the floor. She said nothing and I got up and left. I tried to gain some composure as I grabbed my bags from where I left them near the bench and walked to go purchase a plane ticket.

I bought my ticket for LA, not thinking twice. I wanted to go home, but where was home exactly? For me, home was simply away from the people who someone would call my parents. But they weren’t parents. They never could be. They were horrible people that should have never had a child, but they did have a child-a pretty fucked up child at that.

I continued crying on the plane, it had only been about an hour since the experience and I knew damn well I was in no condition to be in an airplane. I knew I wouldn’t just go back to my apartment, to my job, to Joe-I wouldn’t. Yet I didn’t know where I could go.

A flight attendant asked me if I was okay-I told her to fuck off. She gave me a look and mumbled something under her breath, and I continued to cry. I curled up in a ball in the seat and the man sitting next to me asked to be moved, and he was. I sat alone and I remembered the scene, wanting to forget but knowing it was too fresh in my mind to.

’You are fucking beautiful, fucking beautiful!’ he moaned as he held my hands above my head and entered me.

‘Stop! Please help me!’ I screamed but no one heard, or cared.

‘I should have fucked you before you left, my little girl, cause God you are fucking perfect,’ he said and his mouth licked my breast.

The sobs came out in heaves as it hit me that my own damn father was raping me. I closed my eyes as I felt his tongue on my body and I felt the thrusting motion.

My hands gripped the dirty sheets and I tried to picture myself somewhere else, but nothing good came to mind. I saw Lacy, falling apart to nothing because of the horrible disease she now had. I saw Joe with Charger, sitting on his couch holding his phone in his hands, thinking about calling me, but then his family coming in and him forgetting all about me. I saw my mom, taking my money and turning her back on me.

I had no good memories to think of. Even the good still had their bad and here I was, making a new horrible memory.

“Say my name,” he whispered in my ear and a whimper came from my mouth.

“Say it!” he yelled in my ear and moved faster and harder, causing me to scream.

“Hey who is-what the fuck man?”

I saw this strange man standing there and the feeling of my asshole father having sex with me subsided.

“Where are you now?” I whispered as I held myself as I sobbed in the plane seat. My eyes flickered up to the ceiling and for an instant I felt as if maybe he was really listening.

“You can’t let this happen to me, why me? I’m not strong enough,” I whispered and shut my eyes tightly.

My eyes shot open and I sat up. I shakily reached for my carry on bag and I rummaged through it. My hand found the bottle and I glanced around-no one was watching. I curled back in my ball and opened the pill bottle. It was Advil, to help when I had cramps or a headache, I always brought it with me.

“I’m going to test you God,” I whispered and poured about twenty five pills into my hand.

“If my life is worth something, then show me. Let me see. But I can’t stay here and suffer, be your play toy anymore God, I just can’t,” I mumbled and put three pills in my mouth and swallowed.

It was hard to swallow the pills without any liquid, but I did. I swallowed two or three at a time. I felt exactly the same for a few minutes afterward, but suddenly the plane started spinning. I felt sick and suddenly exhausted. I closed my eyes and fell into the deepest sleep I had ever had.

I looked like everyone else on the plane-sleeping comfortably, but something was different about me. I wanted to die.

“Ma’am? Ma’am? The plane has landed? Ma’am? Oh god! She’s not breathing! Help! Ma’am!? Help someone call an ambulance!”

“Miss please step aside.”

“But she won’t wake up! I have no clue what happened, I just came to wake her up and oh my god is she dead?”

“Step aside! She overdosed on some Advil, we need to get her to the hospital now, and she needs her stomach pumped.”

“I swear I never saw her take the pills!”

“Miss we need you to move!”

“We need to contact family.”

“What’s her name?”

“Mallory Caraco, find someone and call them!”

“She has no family that lives here.”

“Look through her phone then! Just find someone, you help me get the stretcher into the ambulance!”

“Hello, is this Joe Jonas? Yes this is Henry McCallahan, do you know a Miss Mallory Caraco? Well she has overdosed on Advil and we are taking her to the hospital right now, we found out that she has no family in town so if you are a close friend of hers we need you to go to the Presbyterian on Central right away. I’m sorry sir but it doesn’t look good, she needs her stomach pumped right away. Go through Urgent Care when you get there, bye.”