Redemption

The feeling of my heart thudding up against my chest made it extremely difficult to breathe properly. My dark hair sat messily atop my head as I felt the warmth from the blankets that lay over my body. It was as if a movie began playing in my head as the night events returned to my head and warm tears began brewing in my eyes. Determination sat in the pit of my stomach as I looked up at Joe, his face seemed too serene and too peaceful compared to the rage and hurt I felt.

“You can’t be serious, I mean no way! I am going to the hospital today, I am seeing Lacy!”

“You miss this and they can send you to a psycho ward.”

“Fuck them! Fuck you for that matter! I am going!”

My feet moved swiftly as they touched the cool floor. Shakily I opened the dresser that sat in a corner and my hands frantically began throwing articles of clothing to the floor beneath my feet. Full of frustration, I searched for my car keys underneath the clothing, but my search was proving unsuccessful as Joe was placing his clothes back into the dresser while I was throwing them out.

“First of all you are looking in the wrong place,” his voice rang in my ears and his hands grabbed mine and forcefully took them out of the dresser. The quick shutting of the dresser seemed to be a window into how angry Joe was beginning to get with me.

“I need to see Lacy, last night you said we would go to the hospital,” the words came out in a rush and sounded needy and had a pleading quality to them.

“I said that before I remembered that you had your first psychiatry appointment today,” Joe moved closer to me and tried to calm me down by running his fingers through my hair.

“Take me to the motherfucking hospital,” the venom seemed so evident in my voice that it sent shivers down my spine.

“No because I will not have you wind up in some psycho ward just because you are too stubborn to just get in the car and go see your shrink,” he was trying to keep his cool and refused to let go of my shoulders. His touched was this burning sensation that filled me with ecstasy, which made it extremely hard to be angry at him

“You don’t get it do you?”

“That you are stubborn and completely wrong about this whole thing? Ya, I think I get it.”

My eyes rolled as I let out an exasperated sigh and tore myself away from him, “I’m being serious Joe, Lacy could die today and I wouldn’t have been able to say good bye. She may be a whore and a bitch but she was all I really had. She was my friend and in this crazy way she was like a sister to me and I have to see her, it can’t wait another day.”

“She isn’t going to die today, if it was that urgent than the doctor would have had us rush over there last night. He said she is dying Mallory, and not at the speed of light, so you need to get ready and we have to leave here in about thirty minutes.”

“Joe,” my voice whined and my eyes pleaded with him. “I have to see Lacy today.”

“I know babe, but we will see her tomorrow and in the long run you will realize just why you couldn’t see her today,” Joe replied, his words were soft and delicate. He seemed to have learned that the way to convincing me was through soft spoken words instead of harsh yells and aggravated looks.

“You called me babe?” The words slipped through my lips and seemed foreign to me. At this time where I should be arguing my point, here I was caught up like some school girl over a term of affection.

A small grin came to his face as he ran his fingers through my hair once more, “Let’s go.”

I stood in Joe’s room for a minute or two, thinking through how he had someone convinced me to go see my shrink instead of Lacy. As I went to my room and got ready I knew that he had some magic power over me. Joe had a way with me, he was starting to know me better than I knew myself and it was scary having someone that close, yet comforting. Things would be more comforting if I knew what Joe was to me though and as childish as it may seem I longed to put some name to him. I had asked and he had ignored, thus my knowing if Joe was my boyfriend or not had yet to be found out. Relationships were not my strong suit and it would take work for me to make one work, but I was willing to put in that work for Joe if he would simply inform me of what we were.

Our footsteps echoed through the apartment as we left and a sudden sound accompanied the sound. Charger’s whines had become accustom to his apartment and they gently tugged on my heart. He hadn’t been getting the attention he craved ever since all of this drama began unfolding. When the door was closed behind Joe, Charger began barking and scratching at the door as if begging us to come back, to spend time with him. I mentally noted to take him for a long walk or snuggle up with him tonight and remember that Charger was my first friend. Charger use to be my only friend, but now I had Joe and it truly shows how anti social I am, to say that I only have two very close friends. Of course there was Lacy but she was in a category by herself. At times Lacy wasn’t someone I even wanted to be around me, let alone my friend, but at other times she was my rock and a true friend. God I would miss her if she really died and to be honest after all that I have been through I don’t think I would be able to handle losing her.

“What are you thinking about?” Joe mumbled as we drove towards the hospital.

“Nothing.”

“Tell me,” his voice became more coherent, demanding that I not shut him out or build a wall but tell him what was on my mind.

“How you and Charger are my only true friends, and how I will miss Lacy if she dies,” I said and placed my elbow on the armrest in between my seat and Joe’s. I rested my chin on my closed fist and looked up at the brown haired man who made me feel safe, secure, yet so confused that it hurt my heart.

“Who’s number one? Me or Charger?” The flawless grin appeared on Joe’s face and I watched as his eyes twinkled and it was as if he hadn’t gone through all the shit we had recently been through. I also noticed how he seemed to ignore what I had said about Lacy.

He didn’t want to talk about Lacy right now, he knew that it would hurt and just cause me to yell at him to take me to the hospital that Lacy was at. If only Lacy was at the same hospital that my psychiatrist is at, but she is currently at a small, free hospital. Lacy couldn’t afford health care so there she was, across town while I was heading the other direction.

“I have known Charger longer but I would have to say you,” I said and I felt this sort of butterfly feeling in my stomach. My palms began getting sweaty and my brain was telling me that I was stupid for saying that. Letting my feelings out made me feel sick with nerves, it wasn’t easy but eventually I had to in order to coax those same feeling out of Joe.

“I’ve known my brothers my whole life and I feel closest to you,” his words sounded distant, as if he was afraid of telling me this and was imagining that I wasn’t currently here with him.

The rest of the ride was silent, I could have come up with something to say but I felt as if we had made a small, yet good start and nothing more needed to be said. I felt the vibrations of the car and closed my eyes to listen to the soft hum of the engine mixed with the low mumble of the radio. My head leaned up against the car window and I imagined that we were driving through snowy mountains, where there were no problems and the world was at peace as the soft snow fell upon the scene.

When my eyes opened I was brought back to the cold hospital and the shrink that awaited my arrival. Joe and I walked in together, standing far apart and seeming as if we didn’t know each other. I stayed muted as he talked to a nurse to find the psychiatry ward and then the receptionist to check me in.

“Be back in an hour,” he said as he looked at me, silently trying to tell me that everything would be fine.

I nodded and he leaned down and his moist and warm lips met with mine and I could feel the receptionist’s eyes on us. I wondered if she knew who he was and that he was a famous rockstar, yet I could care less as I felt the euphoric rush from his kiss. As we parted he slipped his sunglasses on and left me there and the farther he went the more alone I felt myself to be.

“Doctor Allen is ready for you, room 13,” the receptionist said shortly after Joe left and waved me towards where the room was located.

“Well hello there Mallory,” the doctor said as I nervously entered the room.

Her hair was light blonde and pulled back into such a tight bun that it looked as if she had had a face lift. Her glasses looked sophisticated and sat snugly on the bridge of her nose. Behind her glasses were brown eyes that looked me up and down and then looked down to the clipboard in her lap. She quickly wrote something down and then looked up at me with a smile.

“I am Doctor Nicole Allen,” her voice sounded smooth and she stood up with elegance as she held her hand out to me.

“Mallory Caraco,” my hand shook with hers and I took a seat on the black leather couch without any instruction from her. Dr. Allen sat back down in her comfy red chair and crossed her legs and straightened her back.

“How are you today?”

“Fine,” my voice sounded guarded and I never seemed to realize how I sounded to people. I sounded distant, troubled, cold, and like such a miserable person and it was evident in my voice that I had been hurt.

“That’s a good start, now how about you tell me how you really feel,” her smile seemed charming but I knew that she was a swindler that was trying to drag out my feelings.

“I feel fine.”

“You do understand why you have to come to these sessions, correct Mallory?”

“I tried to kill myself,” I stated as if it was something so nonchalant that I believe that it took Dr. Allen back a bit.

“Have you had any thoughts of suicide recently?” she asked as she wrote on the piece of paper on her clipboard.

“No.”

“So everything is going good in your life?”

“No.”

“Are you struggling with coping with the rape you experienced?”

“No.”

She looked at me, straight in the eye, analyzed me, and saw that I was a closed book. An exhale came from her lips as she pushed the bridge of her glasses up. Her legs uncrossed and she leaned over, as if trying to get closer to me and I sat back further.

“I can tell that you aren’t one for really answering questions Mallory so why don’t we just talk, no deep questions, but just talk. You can ask me questions, I can ask you some, and you can start this conversation,” she said and sat back up and crossed her legs again.

“Do you think that I am some psycho path?” I asked as I crossed my arms over my chest and raised an eyebrow at her.

“Of course not, you are a normal woman Mallory who seemed to have just gotten a bit lost.”

“Did you get that line from a Hallmark card or a Disney movie?”

She let out a short seemingly fake laugh and gently shook her head, “Neither, it’s what I really feel.”

“Great.”

“So you don’t like inspirational lines?”

“I don’t like shit, so thus I don’t like inspirational lines,” I said and my mind began wandering to Joe and wishing that I was with him instead of here. I didn’t need to explain my life to this woman, I needed to go see Lacy, I needed to ask God for help, but I didn’t need to be here.

“You have no favorite quotes then?”

“Life isn’t easy, that one is a pretty good one.”

“That one is a good one because it is true, and you would know huh Mallory?”

“I think I could vouch for the trueness of the quote.”

“Do you every wish that your life was easier?”

“Of course, I wish that my family had been normal, that I could have had a better job, that all this stuff wasn’t happened to Joe because of me,” and then I knew that I let it slip. I gave her information and the questions about my life would surface and with a nervous sigh I would have to think of ways to avert the questions.

“Who is Joe?”

“The guy who is watching me to make sure I don’t try to commit suicide.”

“Is he your boyfriend?” she asked and was so clueless to how complicated that question really was.

“I dunno,” I whispered and looked down at my hands.

“Why don’t you know?”

“Because we have a strange relationship, it is harder than it seems.”

“Well tell me more about Joe.”

“I don’t want to talk about Joe,” I stated and looked up at her and she nodded and wrote some more.

Thing seemed to carry along the same route as the short Joe conversation Dr. Allen and I had. She would ask, what seemed to be meaningless questions, but then suddenly try to delve into a deeper issue. I would either say that I didn’t want to talk about it or answer her as vaguely as human possible. My understanding that what I said was confidential was clear to me, but I felt as if I couldn’t tell Dr. Allen about everything. I didn’t know her and it was difficult to break down my walls and share with this strange woman all the painful experiences in my life. Overall the session was pointless and we had no breakthroughs but she sent me out with a smile and an act of ‘we accomplished so much today’.

Joe was waiting for me and I noticed how the receptionist was eyeing him, finding him attractive and then I noticed that all he was looking at was me. His arms wound around my waist and gave him a short hug. Something new was in his eyes and he seemed chipper.

“How was it?” he asked as we began walking out of the hospital.

“Pointless,” I admitted and he let out a small chuckle, knowing how stubborn I was and probably feeling terribly sorry for Dr. Allen.

“I have good news,” he said and I let out a short hum to acknowledge that I wanted to know what it was, “My mom and dad invited us to church on Sunday.”

I looked at him, my eyes wide and a bundle of nerves building in my stomach. My mouth transformed into a sort of smile at seeing how joyous Joe was over this chance to begin patching things up. I wanted to say that I wouldn’t go, but I knew that God would help me and so would Joe, and they would be with me as I walked through those church doors and to the Jonas family that hated me.

God, I would need their help for that.