Redemption

All the good that had ever been in my life simply couldn’t compare to the feeling I felt at this moment. I smelled the cool early morning air sift through the room and remind me that I should be peacefully asleep, but I wasn’t. My fingers played with the messed up sheets as I lay on my stomach, the warm bed underneath me. The dim lighting that came from the small lamp on the nightstand cast a glow that made me feel as if I were a young girl hiding in my own world and not knowing of all the horrible things that have tormented me. His glasses hung on the bridge of his nose and reminded me of Dr. Allen, except I could actually stand Joe.

“You should always wear your glasses,” I suggested as I rolled over onto my back and looked up at him.

“They get in the way,” his voice was smooth and there was a hint of tiredness in it. His eyes looked down upon me and looked up at the dark ceiling.

“Glasses are supposed to help you, not get in your way,” a soft giggle came from my lips and as I flicked my eyes to look at him I saw him smile.

“Well you don’t have glasses, so you can only assume that they help.”

“Whatever.”

His smooth lips came down to mine in a soft, gentle, and short kiss. I kept my eyes closed as he moved away and he began playing with my messed up hair. Silence came over us again and I couldn’t help think that I was dreaming.

“Are we in a relationship?” the voice didn’t even seem to be mine. My eyes were still closed and I suppose my subconscious came through and asked the question that had been toying around in my mind.

“If you want to be,” Joe said, seeming very calm and I felt his fingers run through my hair.

My eyes opened and I stared up at him, his messy hair, his glasses, his simple white t-shirt and blue boxers. I thought back to the bitch I use to be, and yes I should still be a pain in the ass but I was better. I was better around Joe, more open, myself even and he was the only person in the whole world that I could be this way around.

“I’m afraid,” I admitted and propped myself up on my elbow, my hair falling from his fingertips.

“I’m not going to hurt you Mallory,” he said, leaning in a bit as to bring our faces closer.

“But I’m afraid that I will hurt you.”

“You can’t, you won’t.”

“I can and I will, eventually, I just need you to know that,” I said as I moved away from him and folded my legs to sit criss cross applesauce.

“Fine, I know, but you won’t, I trust you,” Joe smiled and laid back, his arms behind his head and his body stretched out.

“So?”

“So what?” he asked and let out a long exhale, obviously getting tired.

“So are we in a relationship?” I questioned and started to become frustrated.

“If you want to be,” his voice was nonchalant and as smooth as the breeze.

“Joseph, answer the question!” I snapped and he looked at me and began to chuckle.

“Wow, Joseph, very serious,” the fact that he was laughing at me made me more frustrated, but it was hard to be angry at that laugh, at that smile, at how his eyes lit up when he laughed.

“Sometimes I hate you,” I mumbled and went and laid next to him, my head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat.

“No you don’t,” Joe breathed and leaned over and turned the light off.

“I just don’t get why you won’t answer me,” I whispered and closed my eyes as Joe pulled the covers over us.

“Because I don’t want to say you are mine because then the thought of losing you will hurt even more.”

“That was really sweet Joe, but when you have a million screaming girls wanting to marry you and have your babies, it would be nice to say that I am yours,” my voice was becoming quieter as I begun to drift off to sleep.

“Well you don’t have to worry, I am not about to have sex with a million girls and get them all knocked up,” Joe laughed, his voice not sounding half as tired as mine.

“Do you think your fans will find out about us? About your purity?”

“Probably,” now his voice became somber and a yawn escaped my mouth.

“If they are true fans then it will all be okay,” I tried to think of something supportive to say, but we both knew that no matter how true the fans that a ton of them would never forgive Joe.

One of the things that made the Jonas Brothers so attractive was their purity rings. The thought of a man who would never pressure you to have sex was something that all girls wanted, but now Joe had had sex. He had broken the vow, sinned against the squeaky clean Disney profile, and when the fans found out they would be shocked. And yes, they would find out, there is only so much time that God would grant us to keep this all a secret. It was actually a miracle that people hadn’t found out yet.

“Bull.”

“I know, but I’m just trying to make you feel better,” I said and I wrapped my arm around him.

“Thanks, and Mallory?”

“Ya?”

“I want to be your boyfriend,” he said and I yawned once again, but a smile spread to my lips.

“Finally, you answered the question,” I mumbled.

“That wasn’t the exact answer I wanted but, it works,” Joe laughed and I nodded.

The room became silent as I fell asleep while listening to the steady rhythm of Joe’s heartbeat. It felt so nice to know that he was mine, yet it was terrifying considering that I was so new to this whole relationship thing. I didn’t want to mess this up, but it would be hard, yet I knew that Joe could put up with me because for some odd reason he wanted to.

It felt like I had only been asleep for a moment when I woke up to see daylight coming through the window. I lifted my head and Joe was no where in sight, but instead on his pillow was a piece of paper. I grabbed it and looked to see a drawn flower on it and written below it- Sorry I couldn’t get you a real one, and yes I know this is cheesy but I woke up early and got bored so a flower for you, may you eternally enjoy it.

“You are such a dork,” I said as I walked downstairs to see Joe leaning over the counter, eating a bowl of cereal.

“I see you liked your flower,” he laughed, his mouth full of cereal and drop of milk dripping out of his mouth.

“Very cute, but very lame.”

“It was heartfelt,” he said as he wiped the drop of milk off of his face.

“I could tell, so much effort in the lopsided flower,” the joke came but I knew that it was extremely sweet and I would cherish that drawing and note forever.

“So, do you want to go to the hospital today?”

I had almost forgotten about going today, about Lacy, and my stomach lurched as I nodded my head yes. He took his last bite of cereal and came and wrapped his arms around my waist.

“Go get ready,” he whispered in my ear and chills ran down my spine. Joe, no doubted, was extremely sexy, and as I felt the warmth from his arms around me and his warm breath on my ear and I couldn’t help but wonder how I got so lucky.

He let me go so I could go take a shower and get ready. Joe watched me as I walked upstairs and into the bathroom. I had planned on taking a quick shower, but while I was under the water I didn’t want to get out. Getting out would mean seeing Lacy and being heartbroken by seeing her lie on her death bed.

“Company?”

I jumped at the male voice and seeing Joe step into the shower with me. The water glided over his body as he came up to me and kissed me. Things were getting heated when Lacy came to mind and I softly pushed him away.

“What’s wrong?” Joe asked, trying to focus on me instead of all the blood flowing downwards.

“I’m thinking of Lacy,” I said and turned the water off.

“You can’t change what she is going through,” he said and began kissing my neck.

“I know but it is so hard to believe, to think about if it were me and about what she must be feeling,” I said and felt Joe’s kisses trail downwards. “Okay skippy you need to calm down.”

I stepped out of the shower, wrapping myself in a towel and exiting the bathroom. Joe was a caring and listening guy, but no guy can fully focus when he is turned on. I dressed quickly and then went downstairs, seeing Joe, dressed again and petting Charger.

“Calm?” I asked as I stood next to him, looking down at Charger.

“Barely,” he said and I rolled my eyes. “Let’s go.”

When we left the house we talked merrily, joking and laughing, but the mood was changing the closer we got to the hospital Lacy was at. Soon the jokes went away and the laughs turned into fake giggles and the talk drifted out the window and a deafening silence came. That flirty sexual tension was gone and the last thing Joe and I were thinking of was sex. I was thinking of Lacy and Joe was thinking of me and hoping, praying that this visit wouldn’t kill me.

“Ready?” he asked, turning the engine off and looking over at me.

“No.”

We walked into the hospital and the feeling of sickness overwhelmed me. Joe had to do all the talking for me, asking the front desk about where we could find Lacy. We took an elevator to the third floor and walked down the hallway. I peered into the rooms as we passed them, seeing some people asleep and others awake, some with visitors and others all alone. Some looked like they were dying this instant, others had this look of a slow death encroaching on them. Then we saw Lacy and I felt the tears coming as I looked upon her frail body. Her cheek bones were sunken in and her hair was thin and her eyes seemed to be sunken back into her face.

A dark looking rash was on her neck and left arm and her bones protruded out of her body to make her look ghostly. She was watching a soap opera on the small TV in her room and then she saw Joe and me. Joe gently rubbed my back before leaving me alone with Lacy.

“Mallory?” she asked and her voice sounded weak and like approaching death.

“Hey Lacy, how are you?” I asked gently as I stood far away from her, simply gawking at her appearance.

“Cut the bullshit Mallory,” she said and I was taken aback by how even in death she wouldn’t stop being herself.

“What do you mean?”

“I’m dying Mallory, no need to ask how I’m doing,” she scoffed and I leaned up against the wall behind me.

“I was just wondering,” I whispered and she simply stared at me.

“God look at you, you are so fucking beautiful and I am so fucking full of AIDS.”

“Why did you never tell me?” I asked and she rested her head back and closed her eyes.

“Because telling you I had AIDS never seemed important, I was dealing with it.”

“You were still having sex, spreading it around, didn’t you think about that?”

“Good fucks help AIDS,” she joked and let out a laugh but I was disgusted.

“You should have told someone.”

“Don’t tell me what I should have done Mallory, you just don’t get it. Your life has been roses compared to my shithole of a life. I see you have a man, that hot man of yours and I see that you are just fine and dandy, look good too, and you try to tell me about my life and expect me to actually take you serious,” Lacy said and looked out of her half closed eyes.

“I’ve had a rough life, but I made decisions that I guess just brought me out a bit ahead, but I don’t want to fight with you Lacy. I was concerned, I was worried about you,” I said, but my words did nothing to take away the bitterness Lacy felt towards her life.

“Worried? You won’t even come close to me!” she was right, I looked at where I stood and realized that I wouldn’t go close to her, I was too afraid of that horrible disease that was taking her life.

“Lacy, I am sorry for all the shit that has gone down between us and all the times we fought, but you are my best friend, we understood each other, and,” I paused as I choked back tears “I am going to miss you.”

“Shut up! Shut the fuck up Mallory and just leave and go back to your fucking perfect life!” Lacy yelled and I closed my eyes, willing the tears to not fall.

“My life is far from perfect Lacy,” I said with my eyes still closed.

“Fuck you! Fuck you!” she kept yelling it, over and over and soon Joe came in and a nurse followed him.

“You need to leave,” she said and Joe took me out of the room and out of the hospital.

Joe kept asking if I was okay, what had happened in there, but I stayed silent. I didn’t cry, I wouldn’t let myself, but on the inside I felt broken. I couldn’t believe that Lacy really was dying and I could tell that she was afraid, that she did not want to die and when she looked at me, healthy, she couldn’t help but hate me. She wanted what I had, a life left to live, but she wouldn’t have that, it was leaving her and she so desperately was trying to hold on.

“Are you okay?” Joe asked again as we drove home, my eyes staring out the window and my legs shaking.

“Yes, at least I know that I will be,” and for once I handled something devastating by seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and I refused to let myself succumb to the darkness of what had happened.