Redemption

Psychiatrists are the devil in nice clothes and disguise themselves by using big words that no one would understand. Dr. Allen was apparently PMSing this week as she called me Sunday morning to tell me that she wanted to see me twice a week instead of once. She said that I seemed to be closed off and then she went off into some psycho babble as I fumed on the other end of the phone. When we hung up I remembered that it was Sunday which meant church, so I went and told Joe about Dr. Allen. I acted like a complete drama queen and soon Joe was saying that maybe going to church today while I was in such a bad mood wasn’t the best idea. I couldn’t have agreed more.

Although I got out of trying to reconcile with the Jonas family, Joe didn’t. The week went by agonizingly slow as I sat at home alone with Charger. Joe began going over to his house everyday, trying to work things over. He would come home defeated and share with me the small amount of good news he had. His mom had forgiven us, she had even begun talking to Joe about the media attention this might get and trying to help him out. His dad thought I was a no good whore and barely talked to Joe, which led me to believe that only his mom had invited us to church and the part about his dad was just a lie. Nick would talk to Joe at times, they were too close for him not to, but he would always make smart and rude remarks about me. Kevin was just never at the house when Joe was there so I had no clue how he was doing.

I felt better about myself and I had finally made the call to the strip club to quit on Tuesday of this last week, and I had never felt so happy. When I told Joe he swept me up in a gigantic hug and offered to take me out for ice cream. Going out with Joe, when we weren’t going to the hospital which was the only place we ever went, was an experience. We had to drive carefully, fully aware of our surroundings and we always had to go out late at night when people wouldn’t be out, even though there were always people out in LA.

We would constantly stop at different places and check to see how many people were there and when we finally found a seemingly quiet place we would have to go in one at a time and stand behind each other in line. Joe would slip me money to pay for my ice cream, and then we would leave and inconspicuously get back in his car and drive home. A nervous wreck was probably a good phrase to describe Joe whenever we went out. All the paparazzi needed was one picture of Joe and I together, just one and the whole thing would be out in the open.

I had to see Dr. Allen on Wednesday and she somehow managed to weasel the fact that I was dating Joe Jonas of the Jonas Brothers out of me. The conversation had started when she asked about the Joe I had mentioned in our previous session and suddenly it was out. She seemed slightly shocked, but barely showed it and then promised that because of the confidentiality agreement that she wouldn’t tell a soul. She kept asking me how it made me feel to be dating someone who was so famous and had so much going for him, I didn’t answer.

After that session Dr. Allen seemed happier than she was out first meeting, and gave me a friendly hand shake as I left the room. She scheduled my next appointment for Sunday at noon and although I did not want to see her it made me feel happy that I had an excuse to not go to church again. My stomach felt uneasy about going to church because the last time I was there was sort of the beginning of turmoil yet it was also the beginning of my happiness, the beginning of me and Joe and of me finding God.

I have been trying to get closer to God, although it seems hard, but when Joe is out I will sit on the couch, Charger by my side and I will read through the Bible. I am not a big fan of all of the Bible, truth be told it can be boring at times but I love reading the Christmas story and how Jesus died on the cross. I tell Joe about me reading the Bible and the look on his face is so joyous that it drives me to continue praying and trying to be a good Christian.

“Remember, nine o’clock tomorrow morning,” Joe said as I lay on his bed, no longer sleeping in my designated room. I shot up and looked at him, wondering what he was talking about. “Church, remember?”

“But I have my psychiatry appointment,” I said, but Joe simply gave me a stern look before taking his shirt off and getting into the bed.

“At noon, church starts at ten, gets out at eleven, we will be just in time.”

“But what if we aren’t?”

“Too bad we will be.”

“But what if we aren’t?” I pestered as Joe turned the light on the nightstand off.

“Nothing bad is going to happen,” he explained, turning on his side to face me. I could barely make out his face in the dark, yet it comforted me to know he was there and to imagine the concerned look on his face.

“You don’t know that, your family, well all except your mom hates me and I am pretty sure your brothers think that I should combust into flames as soon as I enter the church,” my voice was a mere whisper and I heard a car start outside and a light breeze tap the window.

Joe let out a laugh as he gently touched my cheek, “You aren’t going to burst into flames and they just need to get to know you.”

“They don’t want to get to know me.”

“Mallory I,” he paused and stroked my cheek with his thumb “I care about you a lot and if my family really cares about me then they will care about you.”

“I hope they will.”

I lay there until I fell asleep and when I awoke, Joe was still asleep. I saw that it was eight in the morning and it felt as if though I needed to throw up. My feet scurried into the bathroom and my hands clung onto the side of the sink as I lifted my head to peer at my reflection in the mirror. I looked scared to death and I slowly turned the facet on and splashed cold water on my face. My breathing was heavy and my mind raced with everything that could go wrong today.

Joe stayed asleep during my panic attack and when he woke up he saw me dressed and ready to go, which seemed to surprise him but he didn’t have time to say anything considering he had woken up late. The ride to church caused me to nervously tap my legs and constantly fix my hair, I tried to hide these nervous factors from Joe but he saw right through me.

He said nothing though; he believed that staying silent would do more to comfort me than bringing it up. Soon enough we arrived and my knees were quivering so much that I almost fell when I stepped out of the car. Joe walked up to me, gently kissed my temple and then took my hand in his. I am positive that he could feel the sweat dripping from my palms but he didn’t seem to care as he held onto my hand tightly, knowing that if he let go I might begin freaking out.

“You will be fine,” he whispered in my ear as we entered the church and I felt as if everyone was looking at me even though no one was. My eyes scanned for his family and they met the cold, cruel eyes of the young Nick Jonas. I watched as he whispered something to Kevin who was soon looking directly at me.

“Why is she here?” I heard Kevin harshly whisper to his mother as he approached them and soon all went still and silent.

“I’m so happy you two could make it,” Mrs. Jonas said after a moment of awkward silence and she enveloped her son in a warm hug and soon her arms were wrapped around me.

“Very happy,” Mr. Jonas said with some agitation and confusion in his voice.

“So how are you two?” Mrs. Jonas asked, we were still all standing and I could feel the eyes of Nick and Kevin burning into my skull.

“Great, we have been great,” Joe said with a smile, but I saw through it and knew that on the inside he was dying just like I was. I looked back at Nick who was now staring at my hand that was intertwined with Joe’s.

“Still stripping?” Kevin asked, his voice rising to cause the attention of the surrounding people to look upon us.

“Kevin!” Mrs. Jonas snapped and Kevin simply smirked and looked down at the ground. I gulped and glanced around me at the wondering eyes.

“Excuse him, he is being rude,” even though Mrs. Jonas was trying to be nice enough for the whole Jonas family, it wasn’t going over well.

“Where’s Frankie?” Joe inquired.

“With a babysitter,” Nick answered and barely made eye contact with his brother.

“You two can come visit him after the service.”

“No thanks mom, Mallory has an appointment right after,” Joe said and my hand clung onto his tighter as I awaited the question.

“An appointment for what?” Mr. Jonas asked and my nails dug into the back of Joe’s hand.

“An appointment with her psychiatrist,” Joe answered and wiggled his hand again to let me know that I was hurting him.

“You have to see a shrink?” Nick asked, looking directly at me. I waited for Joe to answer for me but he wouldn’t so I let out a short exhale and cleared my throat.

“Yes,” my voice didn’t come out weak and seemed calm to the Jonas family but Joe picked up the waver and sent me a reassuring, closed lipped smile.

“The service is going to start soon so let’s sit down,” Mrs. Jonas said as she slowly lowered herself down to her seat. The rest of us followed her lead and sat there in silence as we waited for the service to start.

I didn’t let go of Joe’s hand the entire time and as hard as I tried I couldn’t really listen to the preacher. All I could hear was this humming noise in my ears and the whispers of the Jonas family.

“Stop being so nervous,” Joe whispered in my ear and I looked up at him and gave him a weak smile. “You aren’t some self conscious girl who doesn’t know how to take care of herself, you are tough and you have never cared what people thought before so don’t let this get to you.”

Joe’s eyes stayed looking at the preacher while I stared up at him. “I just want them to not hate me.”

“They won’t, they don’t for that matter, and they are just worried about me.”

“No Joe,” I whispered and glanced over to Nick, who was looking down and scratching his jeans, “They hate me.”

Joe and I stayed silent for the rest of the service, afraid of drawing attention to ourselves, or pissing off the people around us. Kevin and Nick didn’t do the same, always whispering to each other and sending me glances and rolling their eyes. Mr. Jonas wouldn’t even look at me as he sat awkwardly in his seat, shifting every few minutes. Mrs. Jonas seemed to not notice the silent chaos around her as she watched the service intently, smiling when the pastor said something inspirational, laughing when he said something funny, and wearing a somber look on her face when he expressed a hidden truth.

“Is the service almost over?” I whispered to Joe.

“Ya, why?”

“Maybe we should just leave now, before the crowd.”

“There is no crowd leaving church, just please breath.”

I let out a sigh and sat there for the last five minutes until everyone stood up and chatter filled the church. Mrs. Jonas began discussing a part of the service with her husband while Kevin just watched Joe and I as we stood there, holding hands.

“Not so bad huh?” Joe asked with a small smile as he looked down to me.

“I didn’t catch much of it,” I said softly and he leaned down and gently kissed me, but my eyes did not close as I felt heat rush to my face at the attention we were getting.

“God,” Kevin said as he looked at Joe and I and Mrs. Jonas simply gave him a look, telling him to shut up.

“Well it was nice to see you again Mallory,” Mrs. Jonas said happily as I put my free hand up to my face, feeling the warmth in my cheeks and wondering how red I was.

“It was nice to see you too,” I said softly and gave her a polite smile.

“Have fun with your shrink,” Nick said with a smirk and I looked at him, I sincerely looked at him and I slowly saw the smirk fall from his face. I felt bad for Nick, having to watch this all unfold for his brother, but truth be told I was getting tired of all of his smart remarks. As I watched the smirk fade from his face, a smirk came to mine and he put his head down and gazed at the carpet.

“I will,” I said and Nick’s head shot back up to look at me. It went eerily silent as I realized that I didn’t need to be pushed around by these people! Where had the strong, takes not shit Mallory gone, apparently she had hidden in a dark corner and let this new girl come out who would just stay silent and get beaten upon. Well now I saw that these people couldn’t control me or my relationship with Joe.

“Will we see you next Sunday?” Mrs. Jonas asked and by the light in her eyes I assumed that she saw my change of persona.

“Maybe, well probably, we will let you know,” I answered and flashed my white smile and she came and gave me a tight hug, forcing me to let go of Joe’s hand.

“Bye mom,” Joe said, hugging her after she finished hugging me. He kept sending me wayward glances, wondering why all of the sudden I wasn’t scared senseless.

“You seem,” he paused to think of the word as we exited the church, “better.”

“I feel better,” I replied and he couldn’t help but smile and place his arm around my shoulders.

“So will we be back next Sunday?”

“Hell no,” I replied with a smirk, “I want to go to church but not with your family, how about a Saturday service?”

“We can look into that,” Joe’s voice wavered as his eyes looked me up and down, wondering why all of the sudden I was not frail anymore.

I let my body slide into the car and couldn’t help but smile as we drove away from the church. No matter how strange it was, this experience seemed to accumulate all of my trying and working to just be myself and be able to be strong. You would think it would be something larger, but this little push made me want to do something more.

“Have you heard from Lacy?” Joe inquired as we drove towards my psychiatrist.

“No, but I did call Steven yesterday to see if he had heard anything.”

Joe seemed shocked, since I hadn’t mentioned my calling Steven before and his hands gripped onto the steering wheel. I had separated myself from the strip club but I had still called Steven and in a way I wasn’t fully away.

“He said that she wasn’t doing well but that she didn’t want any visitors,” I said as I gazed out of the window

“What else did he say?”

“That I could go back whenever I wanted,” I looked at him to find him just staring at the road, “But I told him that I couldn’t and he said he understood.”

“Would you ever go back?”

“If I wanted you to never talk to me again-then yes,” I laughed and he let out a small chuckle, not seeing the real humor in my statement.

Joe parked his car near the hospital entrance and walked me inside. The hospital was unusually cold today as I felt goose bumps break out on my arms. I made my way into Dr. Allen’s waiting room and gave Joe a quick hug before saying that I would be fine and I would see him soon. He smiled, walked out of the door, and gave one more glance back at me before he disappeared behind a corner.

“Mallory!” her voice was chipper as she shook my hand. “How are you today?”

“Very Godly Dr. Allen,” I replied and sat down on the coach, seeing how she eyed me and my upbeat attitude.

“How so?” she asked, sitting down and leaning forward, as if to listen closely.

“Well I went to church today with Joe and his family.”

“And?”

“And that’s it,” I said, leaving her hanging on a cliff. I never really enjoyed finishing stories with Dr. Allen.

“How did his family react towards you?” she asked, not seeming to care that I didn’t finish my story.

“They hate me, but I didn’t let them push me around,” I sounded like some middle schooler who had just won her first battle with a bully.

“Good for you, but I never took you as one to be pushed around.”

“I’m not,” my voice rose as I defended myself, yet the all knowing Dr. didn’t realize and simply scribbled something on her notepad.

“So how are you dealing with dating a celebrity?”

“There is nothing to deal with.”

“No crazed fans?” her eyebrow rose as she looked me dead in the eye.

“Not that I have had to deal with, no one knows so no, there are no crazed fans,” I scoffed and crossed my right let over my left.

“When will people know?”

“How should I know?”

“Well, when people do find out, how do you plan to deal with everything?” her inquiry shocked me, because I hadn’t really thought it out before.

“Deal with what exactly?” I asked as my mind reeled.

“For instance, people wanting your picture and prying into your life and finding your past out.”

It stayed silent in the room as I thought and I imagined being followed and magazines having my picture on it calling me the Jonas seducing slut. I imagined how many names I would be called and how all those crazed fans would hate me.

“I don’t know,” I whispered and all the confidence I had gained fell and my heart began beating frantically.

“I am just bringing this up Mallory because you need to be prepared. You have been through a lot and the last thing you want is people knowing your whole story, but what if people did know?”

“I don’t know,” I repeated and looked down at the floor.

“Well I will let you think about that,” Dr. Allen said and gave me a comforting smile. “But now let’s talk about your friend Lacy.”

Her words never seemed to reach my ears for the whole session because all I could think about was what would happen when the media found out. Eventually they would and suddenly I wasn’t just dating Joe who loved to eat peanut butter out of the jar, who would sing Broadway songs in the shower, and who would always listen to me and never judge, and now I was dating Joe Jonas who was world famous, with girls dying to simply touch him let alone kiss him and who would kill themselves if they found out he was dating someone.

Imagining my life without Joe seemed bleak and horrid, but imaging my life with Joe when the whole world knew about us seemed just as bleak and horrid.