Redemption

The initial visit at the hospital to address my wounds was probably one of the more painful things that has happened, after my rape and overdose of course. Probing fingers pushed into my ribs to analyze if they were broken or not, thankfully they weren’t but I was left with more bruises from their pushing and probing. I was forming a blood clot in my arm from how hard I hit the desk and more probing around that huge bruise left me crying and clutching onto Joe’s hand. They disinfected all of my wounds, wrapped my torso in an attempt to help my ribs and gave me a compression sleeve to wear on my arm for the next week to help keep the blood flowing normally.

Joe never let go of my hand while we were at the hospital, and every time I looked up at him I couldn’t help but wonder how I was so lucky. He never wavered, never seemed scared and was brave for me, even though I knew that on the inside he was a nervous wreck. When we got home from the hospital we lay on his bed, watching mindless television and eating saltine crackers. The hospital had also given me pain pills that although they numbed the pain, made me ridiculously loopy.

I was only fully conscious for about an hour after I took the pills, then I began rambling incoherently, causing Joe to burst out into fits of laughter. I tried laughing along once but the pain in my ribs caused for me to wince and a tear to slide from my eyes rather than joy to emit from my mouth. I later fell asleep and that was how life this past week really was. I rarely got out of bed except to bathe, and even that was painful, and I didn’t have to see Dr. Allen on a count of my injuries. I never told Joe everything that happened that night, and he never really asked. I think he was just happy that I was alive and he would live with not knowing the full story.

“I got a call from the hospital today,” I said to Joe as I lay on the bed, a bottle of water in my hand and the compression sleeve lying next to me.

“Do they want to see you?” he asked, crawling up on the bed and giving me a short kiss.

“Not my hospital, Lacy’s,” I mumbled and he sat down, watching to see if I would cry.

“What about?”

“Her funeral, she has no family so they are just burying her in a random plot, no headstone, nothing,” I said and the thought of her being buried with nothing to remember her by sickened me.

“When is it?” he inquired, not asking about the headstone for fear that it would upset me more.

“Tomorrow, six in the morning in order to not conflict with family scheduled burials,” I said and he raised an eyebrow at me.

“You are still in pain babe, are you sure you will be able to handle it?”

“Well I have to see Dr. Allen this week so might as well try going out and about, plus,” I stopped to take a deep breath, “I have to be there Joe, I would feel so guilty if I wasn’t there.”

“We will go then,” he said and kissed my forehead gently. I smiled at him and then took a swig from my water bottle. My stomach began churning as I thought of Lacy’s funeral and realized how final things would be.

Seeing her buried would mean that she was really gone, that a part of my life with her was really over. Her death was a sort of symbolization for me of my life as a stripper and my life in that world being over. It’s strange to think of how drastically things had changed for me. Looking back and seeing how truly screwed up I was makes me feel so dirty and so horrible. I was the person no one wanted to be, but I found my saving grace and through Joe everything just…changed. It wasn’t all Joe though, without God none of this would have been possible.

I realize now that God never wanted any of this to happen to me, He never had it planned for me to be a druggie, a stripper, a sex toy for men, He never planned it. I can’t figure out exactly when I went wrong in life, probably at a very young age, but all of this so far as been a test. It took God years to finally knock the personality traits and people that weren’t helping me out of me, and now He can instill new people and a new attitude in me. It isn’t easy though; the hardest thing for me is learning to forgive. I can’t forgive my mom, or my dad, Charlie, any of the strippers I knew, all the men who used me, all the people who kept me down-I can’t forgive them but I have to.

I didn’t sleep much that night, thinking of all of those people and of Lacy’s funeral. Even the pain pills didn’t seem to knock me out for a long enough time for my mind to be clear of all the clutter. Faces and names of all the people who have hurt me kept popping in my head and taunting me. They didn’t go away until early in the morning when something more pressing came to my mind. What am I going to do with my life? I’m a nineteen year old messed up girl who can now start anew, and what am I going to do with this opportunity?

I didn’t have much time to think about it before I rolled out of bed, the stiffness in my ribs causing me to moan in pain. Joe tossed a little, but didn’t wake up; I didn’t want to wake him anyway. Charger on the other hand shot up from his sleeping spot on the floor and began following me out of the room. I could hear him panting behind me, probably wondering where I was off to so early in the morning. My feet felt the cold tile as I went into the bathroom and shut the door behind me before Charger could get in. I didn’t bother looking in the mirror before getting in the shower; I didn’t want to see how red and tired my eyes must look.

The hot water did nothing to block out Charger whining and scratching at the door, but I ignored it as best as I could. He finally stopped scratching and I heard him scamper away and a few minutes later there was a knock on the door. I finished my shower, wrapped myself in a towel and opened the door to see Joe, his eyes squinted and his hair a mess, standing there.

“Why didn’t you wake me up?” he mumbled as he leaned up against the door frame.

“Sorry I wanted to let you sleep,” I said, brushing past him and heading back into the bedroom to get dressed.

“But it would have been nicer if you woke me up, rather than this beast of a dog,” Joe lay back down on the bed, Charger lying down next to him.

“Sorry babe,” I said and went over and gently kissed his cheek.

“Mmmm, morning,” he grumbled and kissed my lips.

“Morning,” I smiled, “You can go shower now while I get dressed so we can leave soon.”

“I think I would rather watch you get dressed,” he smirked and I kissed him again before heading to the closet to see what to wear.

“Go shower,” I said as I dropped my towel and began getting dressed.

“You are no fun,” he said with a tired laugh, and then I heard him get off the bed and leave the room.

Joe never took long to get ready and by the time I was dressed and had put on my makeup; Joe was already at the door, keys in hand. The sun hadn’t risen yet when we left the house which seemed to give the morning an ominous feeling. Without the sun up the outside world as chilled with the night air, and the only noise inside the car was the heater trying to warm our bodies.

“You ok baby?” Joe said, his voice fusing in with the humming of the heater.

“Ya, I’m fine.”

“Mallory?”

I looked at him, both hands on the steering wheel, but his eyes flickering over to me. He gulped and looked down at my hands in my lap. He cautiously reached over and took one of my hands in his. Our fingers laced together and I felt how warm his hand was and how smooth his skin was.

“What?”

“Nothing, it’s nothing,” he game me a small smile and I knew that he was going to tell me something more important than nothing.
“Ok,” I gave him a smile in return; I didn’t want to push him into telling me anything.

“Well actually I had something to tell you, but this isn’t it, but anyway, I think the media needs to know about us.”

I felt my whole body tense up, the words of Dr. Allen asking me what I would do when the media found out making my head spin. I didn’t dare look at Joe, I didn’t need him to see this Bambi watching his mother get shot look on my face.

“Why?” I whispered, staring down at my legs.

“I would rather me tell them then them snap a picture and jump to all sorts of conclusions.”

“But no matter what we do they are going to jump to conclusions, they are going to know all about me and just, everyone is going to know and I don’t think that’s a good idea,” my words sound incoherent even to me, but Joe seemed to understand.

“I promise it will be ok,” he said and I looked at him as he raised my hand and kissed it. “Trust me.”

Soon the heater was the only noise heard again as we traveled down the gloomy road. I saw the graveyard before Joe did and had to choke back the tears. The sun was barely coming up over the horizon as we exited the vehicle and walked through the graveyard. There were three men standing in a corner of the graveyard, where no markers stood and they stood there, next to a large wooden casket. The casket was nothing special, it looked as if it would fall apart at any time; even the dirt underneath it looked more glorious.

“Who are you?” one of the men yelled out.

“Here for Lacy’s burial,” Joe responded as he clung to my hand.

“Lacy? There’s no name for this one,” he said.

“Well we are here for her burial,” Joe said and led me closer to the large hole in the ground that Lacy would be lowered into.

“Ok but don’t expect anything special, we are just lowering the casket into the ground and covering it up with dirt,” the guy said and went over to the casket.

I stood stiffly as I watched them lower her into the ground. No one said anything; there was no one to say anything. I thought of her, thought of how she died and how so many people in the world are suffering. What was even harder was realizing that she hated God; I would never see her in heaven. It sounds harsh but the truth was that she had no faith so how can she be in heaven if she had to faith? I closed my eyes and just prayed to God, not for Lacy and not for me, but for everyone. It hurt to think of all the people I know that when they die won’t go to heaven, will have to suffer eternally, and all because they didn’t accept the love that God had for them.

“Do you want to say anything?” Joe whispered in my ear and I opened my eyes.

“I love you Lacy,” I said and watched as the men shoveled dirt onto the casket. “We can go.”

“You don’t want to stay longer, say anything else?”

“No, all I needed to say was that I loved her, that someone in this world did love her and that someone will miss her,” tears clouded my eyes, slid down my face and sobs shook my chest. Joe pulled me into him as I cried, and I hope that Lacy, no matter where she ended up, knows that I loved her and that she was never alone even when she felt like it.