Redemption

It was harder than expected. The way he would smile and put his arm around my waist when no one was looking. When around him I started to feel less dirty, I smiled. But then I would go back to my life, go back to stripping and then go home and cry myself to sleep. Lacy knew something was up, but I never told her about Joe because she would have her hand in his pants faster than I could say ‘no’. Lacy was a backstabber, I vowed for her to never know. For the last three weeks I could honestly say I was closer to Joe than I ever wanted to be. I felt attached, but I didn’t want to-so to stray from the attachment I engaged in meaningless sex.

Steven, the bartender, and I did it on the bar one night after closing. Actually we did it on the bar a total of three times during the course of…four days. He wasn’t the only one, there was this guy named Caleb, and then one named Marcus, and then one named Kyle. There might have been two more, but each time, as I would lie there naked I would think of Joe.

He knew so much about me now. We constantly texted, and when he got out of the studio, or got finished working out, or anything we would meet at my place, never at his. It would normally hurt a girl to have to be hidden because the guy was ashamed of you, but not me. I wasn’t suppose to get attached in the first place and as long as I got to see him I suppose I didn’t even care about his family.

Joe even got me to go to church again, boy was Linda surprised. She gave me this hug as if I was her long lost daughter, I wanted to punch her. The Jonas family all smiled, pretending that it was nice to see me again. Joe and I shook hands as if it was only the second time we had seen each other. It felt exhilarating. We sat three people apart from each other and the sexual tension built up to the point that by the time we got to my house it was probably the best sex I had ever had, but every time with Joe was amazing. He was definitely not a virgin anymore.

Sometimes I could tell that Joe would get paranoid, when one of his family members would call while he was at my house. He would freak out, scamper out of my room and into my bathroom or somewhere really far away from Charger since Charger might bark. I would hear him mumbling, making a lie, that’s what me and him were-one big lie.

“I’m lookin for some sun glasses……Ya I know but it takes time bro!.....okay well ya see ya…..bye.”

“Kevin.”

“You know who calls me so well,” Joe smirked as he threw his phone into our pile of clothes on the floor and crawled onto the bed.

“You goin then?”

“Not yet,” he said and gave me a kiss.

“Are you worried about them finding out?” I asked, restraining myself from reaching out and touching his perfectly sculpted chest.

“I’m Joe Jonas, the only thing I worry about is losing my tambourine,” and a wide grin came to his face. That was Joe, funny yet serious, but with me he tried to be more funny than serious.

“Good answer, well I gotta get ready to go,” I said and slipped out of the bed but his hand caught my arm and pulled me back down to the bed and I let out a small laugh.

“You should laugh more often, it’s extremely cute,” Joe said kissing me passionately.

“Being happy isn’t one of my strong suits, thus laughing isn’t that easy for me,” I said, leaving my eyes closed so I wouldn’t have to stare into those gorgeous eyes.

“I think I make you happy.”

That’s when I looked at him and I saw it. He was getting attached too. Three weeks of always being together was getting to us. It was going to happen, we were falling hard and this was just too wrong.

“You are getting attached,” I whispered and he made no facial expression change.

“And if I was?” he said, leaning in close.

“I would run,” I said and he kissed me.

“But I would catch you,” he said as some of his wavy hair fell into his face. I took a picture with my mind of this moment.

This lower body was messily covered by the sheets; his hair was messy, wavy as it normally was unless he straightened it. He was lying on his back, holding me to his chest and I gazed up at him as he gazed down at me. It was perfect, but not for me.

“I would hope you wouldn’t try,” I said and pushed myself away from him.

He smiled, he didn’t understand. He stood up and got dressed while I got dressed. Charger walked us out, following Joe more than me. Charger adored Joe, he was like the male master he never had. The fact that even my dog liked Joe made things even harder.

“See you tomorrow?” he asked and wrapped his arms around me, burying his face in my hair.

“Ya,” I replied and separated from him and gave him a long, passionate kiss. “See ya Joe.”

“See ya Mallory.”

I actually started crying while driving to the strip club. My vision became blurry and it was hard to drive and I couldn’t stop crying. I didn’t know why, well deep down I knew and I felt like such a baby. I promised not to get attached, he promised not to get attached but we were. It was too hard to not too. Joe was the sweetest, funniest, nicest guy I had ever known. I was use to assholes that only liked me for my boobs and butt, but Joe was different. He listened to me, didn’t judge me, it wasn’t just about the sex with him.

“Tears really do suit you Mallory,” Lacy said as I walked backstage to get dressed in something I would only take off later on the stage.

“How did you know I was crying?”

“You’re eyes are puffier than anything I’ve seen, but I guess I am just use to seeing you cry,” she said and came and sat down on a chair near to me.

“I’m not in the mood Lacy,” I groaned and began changing.

“Neither am I.”

“What’s wrong?” I asked as I looked at her and I saw something. She wasn’t okay, something was wrong.

“Nothing, and how does the crying one have the right to ask the normal one ‘what’s wrong’?”

“Well sue me for asking,” I mumbled.

“So how’s the boyfriend.”

I looked directly in her eyes and I knew instantly that she knew.

“How did you know?”

“I see you with him, I’m not blind. He’s hot, must be a pretty good fuck,” she laughed as she ran her fingers through her hair.

“Pretty good, but he’s not my boyfriend.”

“So I can fuck him?” she asked, laughing but probably hoping for me to say yes.

“Do what you want Lace, me and him just aren’t like that.”

“Shut the hell up Mallory, the way you are acting I know something is up. It’s not just a fuck buddy thing you have going on, but little Mallory is scared.”

“Stop it Lacy.”

“Little Mallory had a rough life and oh pity Mallory because she is the only one who has had it rough. Too bad I got raped when I was four, but Mallory she had it bad and to top it off she got this hot guy that seems to like her but all she wants is to fuck fuck fuck and never commit commit commit.”

“Lacy, I’m serious-stop it!”

“No Mallory, you stop it with the crying, whining, walking around like your life is so fuckin miserable! You are not the only one to have it rough princess and here you are crying! Wake up! You could have something much worse Mallory, your life could be much worse!”

“Really Lacy? Tell me about what could be worse!?”

“You could have fuckin AIDS!” she yelled and I saw water welling up in her eyes.

“Lacy,” I said softly, the anger subsiding.

“Fuck off princess,” she said, wiping her eyes and storming off.

I began crying again and I did feel like a pompous princess. I couldn’t stay, I told him I would run, he knew, and now I would. I gathered all my stuff, running out the back door and to my car. The ignition started and drove me all the way back home. I packed clothes and necessities up and loaded it all up, and Charger in the car. Then I drove to the fancy apartment that Joe lived in. I had been there once and I didn’t know if he was there now, considering how close his family was he was constantly with his family in their huge LA house.

“Come on boy,” I said as I cried and led Charger to the door of Joe’s apartment.

“I love you boy, I’ll be back sometime, okay? I promise,” I said as I hugged my dog who had been my best friend for years. I then tied his lease to his doorknob, making sure it was so tight that Charger couldn’t run away, so tight that Joe would have issues with it. I grabbed Chargers food and water bowl and filled them up and left them with him. Then I got in my car and drove off.

The airport was quiet this night as I purchased a ticket to Manhattan and the plain was even quieter. Sleeping bodies trying to maybe get home, go on vacation, or go for a business meeting. I stayed awake as we flew and I cried. I kept having memories and it hurt my heart.

”Joe, no, I just don’t like peanut butter,” I said as he held the spoon out to me.

“I brought it all the way from home and it’s organic,” he said, smiling, trying to get me to eat it.

“I am going to hate it.”

“Not as much as I hate you.”

“Go die,” I smiled.

“I’ll get right on that once you eat the peanut butter,” he laughed.

“No.”

“Yes.”

“Sorry, but no.”

“Eat it.”

“Why?”

“Eat it!”

“Ugh fine!”

I groaned and ate the organic peanut butter, making a face as I did so.

“Not good,” I said as I swallowed it.

“Wow okay well you are just weird for not liking it,” Joe said as he dipped the spoon in the jar and ate some peanut butter.

“You are weird,” I mumbled as I sat on top of my counter.

“I’m what?”

“Weird”

Joe came and swooped me up off the counter and carried me into my bed room. We laughed as he undressed me and tickled my stomach, and kissed me.

I gulped, remembering the laughs we had, but the fights seemed to always be there too. I would get mad when he would make up too many lies, when he would say something that hurt, when I would remember what me and him were. There was no relationship, I was just dreaming of a fantasy world.

”Lie? Why the hell would I lie Joe? And why the hell would I be talking to one of your brothers!?”

“Cause you want to ruin me? I dunno!”

“I can’t believe you call me a liar,” I said as I glared at him.

“Why?”

“Because look down at your left hand! That purity ring you still wear! It’s the biggest lie I think I have ever heard!”

“It takes too to have sex Mallory!”

“But you weren’t my first, nor will you be my last!” I yelled.

“I have to still wear it!”

“Cause if you don’t girls nationwide will just die!”

“My reputation-“

“Fuck you’re reputation cause we both know that that is pretty much shot to hell now huh!?”

Joe went and sat down on my couch and held his head in his hands while I stood there in my living room, so angry.

“I’m sorry.”

“What?” I asked.

“I just, I get nervous, I’m afraid about people finding out.”

“You are unbelievable.”

“I want to be around you Mallory; I just wish this was all under different circumstances.”

“Don’t say that Joe because I never wanted to be around you, under any circumstance,” I growled.

“I’ll go then,” he said and walked up to me and kissed me and I felt the anger just floating away. I kissed him back and in the end he never left, and we got over the fight

“Bye Joe,” I whispered as I kept crying and my eyelids became heavy.

I dreamt of me and him, but soon those happy dreams fled and I dreamt of my childhood and of my real life.

And I was terrified.