They Let Us Play With Markers, but I Keep Trying to Draw Infinity

There was only a week and half until Spring Break, and I was so excited I couldn’t concentrate on my schoolwork.

“Hey, busy bee!” I said, excited to receive a call from my best friend whom I hadn’t heard from in a few days. “How’s the good life?”

“Exhausting. We've been working like 15 hours in a row. …It's fantastic!”

“You make me think of the Energizer Bunny, except you're way cuter. He's really creepy and pepto-pink.”

“Aww, thank you!”

“You're welcome!”

“Also that's kinda dirty. Don't mention it to the boys.”

I sighed. “Well, that's not what I meant by it.”

“I know,” she laughed. “So… how're you?”

“Really bored! I'm ready for a break from school. I'm about to pull my hair out. And the weather's so dreary here. It just keeps raining. I want sun and sand!”

“So come visit me!”

“A week and a half, bitch! I think Chuck's going stir crazy too. She keeps giggling when I mention it.”

“She wants to see Jacob. And do awful things to him.”

“Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of. I'm thinking we'll have to leave them alone for awhile once we get there..”

“We'll all go out and leave them some condoms. Speaking of inappropriate things, what’s your opinion of random makeouts?”

“How random are we talking?” I asked slowly, wondering if she’d finally impulsively grabbed a cute boy and, as she puts it, snogged him.

“Very unexpected.”

Well, that changed things slightly. “Okay, so unexpected, not random. Meaning you, at least vaguely, know this person. ..Do you regret it?”

“I was speaking hypothetically!” she declared.

“Okay then! Hypothetically, would you regret it?”

There was a pause then, “No way in hell.”

“Then I think you and your little boytoy – or girltoy? – are fine. Would be fine, since this isn’t a real conversation.”

“Right. Completely fictional.”

“Absolute fantasy!” I agreed.

“Right!”

“So no point in asking who it was!”

“Nope, because it never happened. I like that you said boytoy or girltoy though. Right thoughtful of you!”

“Well, as far as I know you’re interested in boys, but I didn’t want to be discriminatory. Who was it; how’s the boys?”

“The boys are good. Toby’s wearing a lampshade.”

“What?” At first I thought I heard her wrong. “Who was it; why is he doing that?”

“Because Leif didn’t believe people do it and I found one in the closet.”

I smiled as Randy ignored my question again. I’d never be able to trick her into telling me, but it was still fun to try.

“You mean like a fez?” I asked, unaware of any other lampshade-like headwear.

“Yeah. It looks kind of awesome.”

I scoffed. “Shouldn’t you guys be doing something productive, like recording?”

Suddenly a thought occurred to me. If Randy had made out with someone unexpectedly, meaning it was someone she knew, and she was constantly surrounded by the same four guys then it had to be one of them! But Toby was still dating Ivy and Jacob was dating Chuck so they were out. And ‘unexpected’ also implies it was someone she wouldn’t normally make out with which would then rule out Leif leaving only Leo! My deductive skills are extraordinary.

“We are! Well, we're taking a break and Jacob and Leo are out getting food.”

“Are they? So, has anyone gotten homesick yet? ..Or lonely?” I knew I sounded suspicious, but I wanted some confirmation of my theory since there was no way to get the straight truth from Randy.

“I miss you Joseybean!”

“I miss you too! But no one else? All the boys are happy? Jacob, Leif, Toby ..Leo?”

“We’re all keeping pretty busy. We want the album to be killer.”

Either Randy was aware that I was trying elicit some information from her (which was the more likely) or I was really, really sneaky.

I sighed, giving up. “Yeah, I can’t wait to own one. Or see you guys. Chuck’s so happy it’s like someone shoved a cocktail of rainbows and sunshine up her ass.”

“I bet,” Randy chuckled.

“I guess I’ll let you guys get back to your tracking and lampshade fun. You can tell me who you made out with later,” I said, having to give it one more go before I hung up.

“Hypothetical!” she stressed.

“Oh, please! No one asks hypothetical questions for hypothetical answers! They’re like those stupid ‘So my friend has this problem…’ questions. It’s because people don’t want to admit the truth to whomever they’re asking.”

“It was just a question!”

“Fine. If it was just a question then who were you thinking about when you asked it?”

“Nobody! The guys and I were talking about it earlier and I wanted your opinion.”

“..About unexpected makeout sessions?”

“Yes.”

“You guys are so weird. And I don’t even have unexpected makeout sessions so why would you want my opinion?”

“Hypothetically! They’re boys. I’ve learnt way more about them than I ever wanted to know.”

“Ew. Boys are gross. I don’t envy you, just so you know. I feel I should tell you that.”

“Gee thanks. Nah I love them. They’re my boys!”

“Aww, you guys are already cheesy! Excuse me while I find a trashcan to puke in.”

“Shut up you know you love it.”

“While I cannot deny that each of you are adorable in your own way, the adorable dynamic between you is sometimes too much. It’s like a puppy that cuddles with a kitty because they’re cold.”

“Now I’m gonna vomit.”

“Precisely my point, dearest.”

“Point made!”

“In song format!”

Randy laughed. “Well done.”

-----------------------------------

“I’m thinking of not going back to school this fall,” Tristan said. It had been a couple of days since Randy’s phone call and we were curled on the couch watching a documentary of vampirism on the History channel.

“Oh really?” I asked. I sat up a little so I could see his face. “How come?”

“Well…” he hesitated. “There’s this chick, Gabriella, who really likes my brother Tom and she works in an art gallery in New York. Tom said the manager’s got himself into trouble and there’s a big chance he’ll get fired over it, and if that happens, Gabriella thinks she can get me a job there…” He paused; I think waiting for a reaction from me, but I stayed silent, waiting for him to continue. “I’d intern over the summer then apply at a school there in the fall, transfer over, because by then I’d have a paying job at the gallery.”

“So you’d move to New York,” I said. It wasn’t a question, it was clarification for me.

“I—yeah, I’d have to. I’m gonna live with Tom for a while, he said he’d let me crash on his couch as long as I kept the place clean and am-scrayed when he had company.”

“Looks like you’ve got it all planned out,” I said slowly.

“It wasn’t premeditated or anything,” Tristan promised. “He just called the other day to tell me about it, and it all kind of snowballed from there. And nothing’s definite,” he added quickly. “It all depends on if the guy gets fired and even then Gabi’s not sure.”

“I can tell you want to go,” I said. “And I think it would be a good opportunity for you. Where better to study art than New York City?”

“But listen,” Tristan grabbed my shoulders and stared at me so seriously that under any other circumstances would probably have made me laugh, “I don’t want us to break up. You’ll come visit me there, and I’ll come visit you here, but I know you’ll fall in love with the city the first time you see it, and it would be just as amazing of a place to write. The people there!” He laughed. “You’d get so many ideas for stories your head would explode. I know we can make it work, Josey.”

“Good,” I said, barely even a little relieved, “because I’m not ready for this to be over.”

“Neither am I.” Tristan smiled and leaned forward to kiss me, his hands sliding from my shoulders to around my waist.

When he left later that evening, I walked slowly up the stairs to my room and sat on my bed, staring out the window. The snow had completely melted weeks ago, and now the days kept bouncing between warm and sunny or cool and damp. We’d been under a tornado watch all day and at this moment I couldn’t help but feel it quite apropos because I felt like a storm in the making, unsure if I was going to explode or dissipate. I wanted to try to figure out my feelings on my own but the need for advice overpowered me, and I called Chuck, sure that she could help since she was currently mastering the difficulties of a long distance relationship.

“Hello, sweetie. What’s up?” Chuck asked when she answered. I rushed out the entire conversation, unsure of a less panicky approach. “Long distance relationships are hard,” Chuck began gently, “but if you really like each other you can make it work.”

“That’s not exactly what I’m worried,” I conceded.

“Then what?”

“The fact that he assumes I’ll follow him to New York. We’ve only been dating for a few months. I have no doubt that I really like Tristan but packing up and following him to a different state is so definitive. We’re still so early on that why would I look that far into the future?”

“Well, maybe he’s really serious about you.”

“Don’t say that,” I said. “That freaks me out. I’m only twenty. I mean, yes, someday I would like to get married, and if it’s to Tristan then okay, but… things are just moving too fast.”

“Then you need to tell him that, Josey. You need to lay all your cards on the table.”

I sighed and leaned my forehead into my hand. “Well then I’ve got more cards. I’m studying to be a teacher—”

“Right.”

“—and he’s wanting us to live happily ever after in New York, but I don’t want to teach in a big city. I don’t even know if I want to teach, it was just an option, but if I decide that’s what I really want, I’d always imagined teaching a small country school like the one we went to.”

“And what if you decide that teaching’s not what you want?”

“Then I don’t know what the fuck I’m gonna do with my life, but I know I don’t want to do it in New York. It’s always been a city I’d love to visit but I sure as hell don’t want to live there.”

“You gotta tell him, Jos,” Chuck said.

“I know,” I said quietly, “but what if it means we break up?” My voice broke and my eyes began to water; I blinked rapidly to try to clear my vision.

“If you think that might happen then you need to prepare yourself for it. You can’t ruin your life to follow a guy just because you don’t want to face the pain of breaking up. You’ve got to be strong for yourself and for what you want.”

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Thanks, Chuck. I’ll see you at school on Monday?”

“I love you, sweetie.”

“Love you too.”

I put my phone down next to me on the bed and sat with my head in my hands, breathing slowly and thinking, when the tornado siren went off, and I slowly headed down to the basement.

Class on Monday with Tristan was a bit tense for me. He was as chipper as ever, holding my hand and drawing kissy faces and hearts all over my notes. Chuck kept passing me encouraging glances, and I just wanted to scream for them to stop because I couldn’t take it anymore! I knew I need to talk with Tristan, but it was hard finding a time. Since I had requested the whole week of Spring Break off, I had been scheduled to work every night of the week previous to it, on top of trying to keep up with homework and get ahead on assignments so I could relax while in LA, and I hadn’t even started packing yet!

With all the continuous stress, I finally decided to wait until after break to talk with Tristan, except that he beat me to the punch. Thursday, two days before we were to leave, Tristan tracked me down before my afternoon class and asked if we could talk.

“Tristan, I have to go to class,” I said. “And so do you.”

“I know but this is important.”

I couldn’t think of anything to say so I just nodded and followed him to his car. I would have thought that guy had been fired and Tristan offered the job if he seemed even a little bit happy, but he was so solemn and anxious that I worried something disastrous had happened.

He drove us to the same park where we had played Ultimate Frisbee all those months ago. He drove through the park and down the narrow one lane road that lead to Lookout Point. He parked next to the edge, and I waited for him to start talking but after a while it seemed as if he couldn’t, or wouldn’t – I didn’t know.

“Are you okay?” I asked slowly. Tristan nodded but said nothing. I tried not to sigh. “Is something wrong?” He shook his head, still tightlipped. This time I did sigh, and just as I was about to ask what was the matter, he spoke.

“I got offered the job.” He stared at his hands before he slapped them against the steering wheel and began chuckling with gleeful bewilderment.

I felt my stomach drop. “That’s great news,” I said with as much happiness as I could muster, which wasn’t a lot.

“I know, right?” He looked at me, his face beaming; I tried to match it.

“Then how come you didn’t seem very happy?”

His face dropped and he looked guilty. “Because I have to leave earlier than this summer if I want to take it.”

My mouth was very dry and I felt nauseous. “How much earlier?”

“Sunday, but I want you to come with me. We can get your plane tickets changed around, and you can spend Spring Break with me in New York City!”

It felt like every organ in my body had stopped working. I couldn’t breathe or move or think: I was frozen. And then it was as if someone took a key and wound me back up, only my mouth had started working before my brain.

“Tristan, I can’t do this.” The horror at having spoken those words lasted only a moment. “This is—it’s too much too soon, and now you’re asking me to not go see my best friend whom I haven’t seen in a couple of months. I like you, a lot, I swear I do, and it’s not that I’m not committed or not ready or anything, it’s just all moving so fast all of a sudden. And I don’t want to live in New York. Visit? Sure, but live there? I can’t do this,” I added, much slower and quieter.

“Why didn’t you tell me any of this the other night?” I couldn’t read his face. I couldn’t tell if he was angry or disappointed or apathetic.

“You kind of dropped a bombshell on me the other night. It was a lot of information to process before I could even begin to figure out my feelings. I don’t want to break up,” I said earnestly, “but I also don’t want either of us to give up on our lives for the sake of another person.”

“That doesn’t leave us with a lot of choices then, Josey,” he said. Now I could see the anger.

Everything in me wanted to break, to say, ‘Tristan, I give up! Tell me what to do!’ For what’s love, darling, if not self-sacrifice?* But I thought of Randy and of Chuck, and I stood my ground as best I could.

“I know,” I said, “and I’m sorry.”

“I just thought this would be something you wanted to do. You always talk about how you want to get out of here—”

“I think I mentioned it once.”

“—and how you want to see the world—”

“Visit, not live. I’m terrified of change.”

“Then maybe you need to grow up a little bit.” Tristan was no longer trying to maintain composure, and I was almost shocked at how ugly he was when angry.

“I’m sorry to disappoint you,” I countered sarcastically, “but maybe you should have gotten to know me a little better instead of always going on about your art, that I’ve never even seen, and making out with me.” I grabbed the door handle and started to get out.

He reached for my arm to hold me back and asked gently, “Where are you going?”

“I’m going home,” I said. “Or probably back to school since that’s where I should be in the first place.”

“Josey!” Tristan called after me. “At least let me give you a ride!”

“It’s not that far; I can walk.”

There was a pause then, softer, “Does this mean we’re over?”

I halted and felt that wrench in my gut again. I turned to see him leaning across the seat, looking at me hopelessly out of the passenger window.

“If not now, it’ll just be later,” I said. “We have different goals for our lives, and we’ll be unhappy if we try to change them for someone else; might as well leave things amicably.”

“You call this amicable?” He gave a humorless chuckle.

“Do you hate me?” I asked.

“No! Of course not.”

“Then I’d call this amicable.”

Tristan sighed. “Just please let me give you a ride back to school.”

I nodded and walked back to the car. “I’d rather go home,” I said as I got in and buckled my seatbelt.

Tristan nodded and started the car. When he pulled into my driveway, he shut off the car and I looked at him curiously. He gave another humorless laugh and shook his head.

“You know, I think I was kinda fallin’ in love with you.”

I clenched my jaw and took short, shallow breaths as my eyes teared up. “I think I was getting to that point too.” I had no idea if I really felt that way but I felt I should reciprocate something.

We sat in silence for a moment, and as I made to get out of the car, Tristan grabbed me and gave me the most passionate kiss of our whole relationship – the final goodbye.

When I got in the house, I went up to my room, closed the door, and leaned against it, feeling numb, before I sank to the floor, knees to my chest and head in my hands.