They Let Us Play With Markers, but I Keep Trying to Draw Infinity

Friday I didn’t go into school at all, I just stayed home and packed. In the afternoon I got a text from Tristan: ‘Have a safe flight.’ I stared at it for a while, standing in the middle of my room with my phone in one hand and a pair of jeans in the other. I was unsure what to do but I found my fingers texting back: ‘You too.’

I felt off the whole day, and when my mom dropped Chuck and I off at the airport that evening, I realized that, as upset as I was, I had yet to cry over it. When I acknowledged this, it was like my own Katrina, the levees broke and the water wouldn’t stop coming. Chuck tried to console me while having no idea why I was bawling, and it made airport security more than a little suspicious.

“Her dad just died,” Chuck said apologetically to the guy checking my ID.

“My condolences,” he said softly, “but I still need to see your face.”

Thankfully security didn’t seem to be quite as enforced in the middle of the night and we got through everything else with relative ease. When we found our gate, Chuck left me to go get coffees, and when she returned, she shoved it in my hands and said,

“Spill. What’s happened and where’s Tristan?”

“We broke up,” I blubbered out.

“Over him going to New York.” I nodded. “Breathe,” she said, rubbing soothing circles on my back. “You need to calm down; you’re scaring people.”

“I can’t help it,” I said, trying to take a deep breath. “This is the first I’ve cried over it.”

“It’s okay,” she said. “Let it all out but not so loud.” After I was able to breathe without taking great, shuddering gasps, Chuck demanded I tell her everything. “Oh, sweetie,” she cooed, pulling me into a tight hug. “At least you guys are still on friendly terms.”

“I doubt we’ll ever talk again.”

“Don’t say that.” Chuck pulled away. “You should at least remain friends.”

“We weren’t ever really friends.”

“Oh, Josey, stop it! You liked each other and you got along well – that makes you friends. Do you think anyone else knows he’s not coming?”

I shrugged. “I’d assume Mikey, but you never know: no one could know or everyone will. Either way, I don’t want to have to put up with people’s pitying faces all week. If everyone could just go about their business and let me enjoy myself, if you could spread the word once the news is out, that’d be fantastic.”

Chuck gave me a small smile and rubbed my shoulder comfortingly. Then we sat and drank our coffee, waiting for the early morning hour when our flight was scheduled to leave.

As usual, I got sick on the flight but the medicine I took before we boarded knocked me out until we hit our layover in Phoenix. We were stuck there for about an hour so we found our terminal, got some breakfast, and waited. When we boarded our connecting flight, my medicine was beginning to wear off so I popped another pill and was gone until we landed in LAX.

It was definitely the busiest airport I’d ever been in, even for eight in the morning. I had no idea how we were going to find Randy and the guys; I was just thankful we hadn’t checked any bags and didn’t need to find the luggage carousel.

“Are you getting any signal on your phone?” I asked Chuck, holding mine in the air in vain. “Mine’s being weird.”

“Oh, I don’t know. I turned mine off.” We huddled together over her phone as she switched it on and were bombarded with texts, missed calls, and voicemails, mostly from Randy.

I whistled. “Hate to see mine.” Just as I said it, my phone began to vibrate, as if it was having a seizure, with the same desperate attempts at communication from Randy, Toby, and Leo. I looked at Chuck and raised my eyebrows. “You think they’re excited?”

My question was answered for me as six bodies engulfed us in a large group hug of chaos.

“Dude, your pit’s in my face!”

“You can fucking get over it.”

“Hand off my ass!”

“Don’t kiss her by my face!”

“It’s like an orgy only everyone’s got their clothes on, so not as good.”

“Can’t breathe!” I shouted through giggles.

Everyone broke apart and stared at each other grinning, while Randy hugged Chuck and myself individually then Chuck cuddled up next to Jacob, until Leif looked around.

“Where’s the other one? Uh…” He turned slowly to Randy. “What’s his name, love?”

“Tristan, idiot.”

I opened my mouth to say something, though I had no idea what, when Mikey spoke.

“Oh, yeah!” He smacked his palm to his forehead. “I forgot to tell you he’s not coming. The dumb bitch’s brother got him a job in New York.”

“Seriously?” Leo exclaimed. “Doing what?”

“Intern at an art gallery. He’s fucking dreams are about to come true!”

“That’s awesome. I wish I was that lucky, man.”

Toby smacked Leo upside the head. “What do you think we’re doing right now, baking cakes?”

“Cake sounds good,” I said. “I know we ate a couple of hours ago but I’m really hungry again.”

“It’s all that energy you spent sleeping on the plane,” Chuck said, smirking.

“Hey, I get sick, okay? Planes and I are not friends. We do not get along.”

Chuck shrugged but kept smiling.

“All right, all right. Let’s move this thing out of the public eye,” Jacob suggested, slinging Chuck’s bag over his shoulder and wrapping his other arm around her.

“Yeah, Jake’s got some sexual frustration he needs to work out,” Leo said quietly to me as he picked up my bag and slung his other arm so heavily around my shoulders my knees almost buckled.

“Man, you’re gonna make her fall down. Give me that thing,” Toby said, reaching for my bag.

“No.” Leo held out his arm to keep Toby from coming closer. “I can handle it.”

“You’ll hurt someone. Just give it here.”

“I said I got it! I don’t need help.”

“Just fucking hand it over.”

“I can carry it!” Leo had turned, walking backward to face Toby as he talked, and not paying attention where he was going. He smacked into the wall of windows directly next to the door and bounded forward, almost falling on his face. “Man, that was a close one!”

“See what I mean?” Toby asked. “Someone’s gonna get hurt. Give me the damn bag.”

“Fine.” Leo pouted as the swung the bag hard into Toby’s chest. “Then I get to carry Josey!”

“No!” I protested, holding out my hands to stop him. “I can walk, I promise.”

“I wasn’t gonna throw you over my shoulder.” Leo pouted. “Can I at least give you a piggyback ride?”

“Leo, I can walk, really.” He stopped in front of me, eyes wide and bottom lip protruding. The puppy dog look had never worked on me, and it certainly wasn’t working now, but his face was so ugly I would have done nearly anything to make him stop. “I swear to God, if you fall over or I get hurt in any way, you will regret this for the rest of your life.”

Leo grinned, turned, and crouched so I could hop on his back. I rolled my eyes, placed my hands on his shoulders, and jumped, squeezing my eyes shut, waiting for the fall, but he caught me with relative ease and began to trot out to the parking lot and toward a semi-white, covered-in-dirt van that looked suspiciously familiar.

“You like Toby’s new pedophile van?” Leo asked.

“You just can’t stray very far away, can you?” I asked, smiling.

“It’s not a fucking pedophile van! How many times do I have to tell you that it’s the best for hauling our shit? Brendon and Spencer agree with me so stick that in your juice box and suck it.”

“Tristan’s really going to miss out this week,” Randy said as we climbed in the van.

I don’t know how or why but it was just too much, and I started crying again. Everyone froze.

“Oh my god, what did you do?” Leo screamed from the front seat.

“I didn’t do anything!” Toby shouted back, just as freaked out.

Chuck pulled me into a hug and whispered to Randy, “They broke up.”

Randy whirled to face Chuck, eyes wide. “What?”

“What happened?” Leo asked.

“What broke?” Toby exclaimed.

“She broke something?” Leo asked.

“Would you two shut up!” Jacob yelled.

Ignoring the others Randy turned back to me and asked again, “What?”

“He wanted her to go with him and she said no,” Chuck explained.

“You—he… What?” Randy stuttered.

“That sucks. Sorry, Josey,” Leif said.

“He just expected me to follow him like a lost puppy,” I blurted, feeling rather outraged again. “What was I supposed to do?”

“Wait, he expected you to come with him?” Randy asked.

“He thought I could transfer there for the fall like him.”

“Are you kidding?” Randy exploded. “He wanted you to uproot your life and completely leave everything for him? That bastard, I’ll kill him!” Randy’s voice disintegrated into unintelligible death threats, her face absolutely mutinous.

I stopped crying and my eyes got wide. “It’s not that bad, really,” I said, trying to calm her down. “We ended on good terms and he’s happy. He’s got a whole new life to start.” I began to feel very morose the more I spoke, realizing that everyone was starting off on wild adventures and I was still doing the same old shit.

“No, Josey, I will not stand for this… pathetic, ego-centric, male arrogance! Women are not slaves! You don’t belong to him!”

“I never said I did, and besides, I’m not going!” I shouted, once again angry.

“You guys need to calm down,” Chuck said sternly.

I huffed and crossed my arms, glaring out the window. Randy didn’t her hear as she began a vehement rant about “heterocentricism and the anti-feminist sentiment that’s taught to the youth.” Meshed in was a comment or two about ‘how she’d love to wring his scrawny neck’ and ‘shove paintbrushes up his nose,’ but most of it was muffled by Leif who had pulled the wildly gesticulating Randy into his lap to hopelessly restrain her while simultaneously covering her mouth with his hand.

Other than that, the rest of the ride to their house was quiet. When we arrived, Leif jumped out of the van, hauling Randy behind him and promising not to let her back into society until she could behave like a lady. Chuck and Jacob disappeared into his room, and I was left with Toby and Leo.

“I’d really just love a nap,” I said apologetically.

Toby nodded and led me to Randy’s room. I stuck my bag in the corner and fell face first onto her bed. About as soon as my face connected with her pillow, I was out. I began to dream that I was on a boat, but for some reason I was alone. I knew that wasn’t right, that someone was missing, but I could remember who it was or where they’d gone. Then the boat began to rock and I kept falling into the side and it hurt, and then Randy was whispering my name and my arms felt really heavy, and I could feel her finger digging into my side.

“Wake up, Josey.”

“”What do you want?” I whined.

“I want you to wake up.”

“Why?”

“Because we’re going to hang out with people.”

“Who?” I was unaware they knew anyone out here.

“Oh, just some hobos we’ve had hanging around the studio. You might want to shower first though because you smell like plane people.” I pulled the pillow out from under my head and threw it. “You missed,” she called. I gave her the finger. “Put that away. Your obscene hand finger gestures have no power over me.”

After I showered and put on fresh clothes and makeup, I felt monumentally better but not enough to be social.

Toby, as usual, drove the van and took us to a big house in a very nice part of town. I was just wondering whose house it was when Spencer opened the door.

“Welcome to my humble abode.”

It wasn’t exactly humble but my admiration was cut short by the sight of Brendon playing video games in the living room with the tall bass player.

“Oh, I should have known,” I groaned to Randy as I ducked into the kitchen. “I’m not in the mood for this right now. I know I said I’d try but I honestly never thought I’d see him again.”

Randy rolled her eyes. “That’s not actually trying, Jos.”

“I’m sorry but I didn’t want you to be mad at me anymore. Is avoiding him completely, in this case, considered trying? I’m trying not to be in the same room as him?”

“Just…” She sighed. “Try to ignore that he exists, and if he starts trouble, I am hitting him with Spencer’s shoe.”

“Poor Spencer’s shoe,” I pouted.

“Play nice, dammit. If I have to not kill Tristan, you have to not kill Brendon.”

“I never said I’d kill him. I’m just very emotional right now and I can’t promise to contain myself.”

“Well, you should vent your problems the way I do,” Randy suggested.

“Shout about it then disappear with someone till you’re calmed down?”

“…Yes,” Randy said slowly.

“…Okay,” I said, confused as to why she look so suspicious. I decided not to ask. “Randy, I thought the whole point was to keep me from yelling.”

“At him. I’m not actually yelling at Tristan. I was yelling about him.”

“Well last time I yelled about Brendon we got in a fight. Your plan is flawed.”

“Shush!” Randy exclaimed. “Point is, pretend he’s not here.”

“But you just told me that wasn’t good enough!”

Randy thought for a moment. “No, I didn’t. That’s exactly what I said to do!” She broke off muttering.

I laughed. “I love frustrating you.”

Randy stuck out her tongue. “Leeeeiiiif! Josey’s being a shithead!”

“Toooobbbby! Randy’s being a weenie-whiner!”

“Oh my god,” Leo interjected, “Both of you shut uuuuuup!” Randy grabbed him and pulled him into a headlock, giving him a noogie. “Get off me!” he shouted. “Get the fuck off! Get her off!”

Everyone laughed as she wrestled him into the living room where she shoved him away and plopped down on the couch. I watched them, trying to find some indication of their feelings but Leo just looked frazzled and Randy unaffected. ‘If this is how she treats guys she likes, no wonder no one’s cottoned on,’ I thought. I was sneaking to the doorway when someone else entered the kitchen.

“Hey!” Spencer greeted. “Long time no see.”

“Hi!” I said, genuinely smiling.

“How have you been?” he asked.

“I’m… alive.” I chuckled.

“Well, that’s good. We like living people around here. Dead people tend to smell.” Spencer smiled.

I laughed and shook my head. “That was a terrible joke.”

“Yeah, I know. Brendon’s usually the joker but I like to try my hand at it from time to time.”

“All I have to say is, it’s a good thing your passions lie elsewhere.”

Spencer laid a hand on his chest. “Was it really that bad?”

“Basically.” I nodded.

“Ah, well, I’m a drummer, not a talker so…”

“What about you, Spencer? How have you been?”

“Pretty good. Been a little bored since the tour ended, but we’re practically always in the studio hanging out with Randy and the guys so it’s not been as boring as it usually is.”

My ears perked up. “Really? You’re always in the studio with them?”

“Yeah. Randy convinced Brendon to sing on their album so now they’re like attached at the hip.”

“That’s awesome,” I said a little too enthusiastically because Spencer gave me a confused look. “Randy has a way of convincing people that what she wants them to do is what they want to do, so it’s not surprising she got him to do it.”

Spencer nodded and smiled. “Right. So hey, I thought Randy said your boyfriend was coming too.”

I opened my mouth to speak but sighed instead. “He was,” I said.

Spencer dipped his head and tried to catch my eye again. “Something come up?”

“You could say that,” I said, still playing with my fingernails. I sighed again and looked up at Spencer. “He got a job in New York and is currently moving there.”

“I’m guessing that didn’t work out for you very well.”

“Not really.” I shook my head. “We had a slight misunderstanding over my future, and we broke up.” I shrugged.

“That’s rough, man. I’m sorry.”

“Isn’t it though? I cried pretty much the entire flight.”

“Wait,” Spencer cut in. “This just happened this morning?”

“No, two days ago. It just fully hit me this morning.”

“I am so sorry, Josey.”

I shrugged again. “What are you gonna do?”

“Spencer!” Brendon shouted, appearing in the doorway of the kitchen. I clenched my jaw and didn’t turn around. “What are you doing? Get your ass out here. We’re gonna play Mario Cart.”

“Do you wanna come?” Spencer asked as he stepped past me.

“Maybe in a little bit.”

Spencer nodded and followed Brendon, leaving me by myself. I looked around a saw a couple of empty beer bottles on the counter. ‘Now’s as good a time as any, right?’ I thought as I opened the fridge and grabbed a bottle for myself. ‘A little pick-me-up never hurts.’