They Let Us Play With Markers, but I Keep Trying to Draw Infinity

“I swear to fucking Athena, Josey,” I grumbled to myself as I stepped out of Spencer’s apartment building, Dallon and Mikey trailing behind me.

“I’m a little confused,” Dallon admitted as Mikey unlocked his uncle’s car. He had been staying with his aunt and uncle and their hoard of children in Santa Monica, driving back and forth every few days to hang out.

I sighed and slid into the back seat. “Ever since they met, Josey and Brendon have been at each other’s throats for the stupidest shit ever.” Dallon buckled up beside me and I slumped over onto his shoulder. “It’s fucking aggravating.”

Mikey revved the engine and pulled into the not-quite-abandoned street. “Maybe they wanna bone.”

“Hah,” I scoffed, watching the lights outside the window. “That would at least get it out of the way.” I looked up at Dallon. “Had he said anything to you?”

“Nope.” He shrugged, and I sat up straight. Then my head starting spinning. “Oh, whoa.” He laughed, holding a hand to his head. “Did those shots just hit you too?”

I laughed, nodding. Mikey looked at us in the mirror. “I have one rule: no fucking or puking in the backseat. Because this is not my car.”

“Michael Lucas Dreyfus!” I exclaimed in a motherly voice. I had been doing that a lot. Apparently I’m just a motherly drunk. I swung my arm around Dallon’s neck and patted his chest. “Our boy Dallon is married to a lovely girl. And I’m not a fucking whore. And that's two rules.”

They both laughed, Dallon ruffling my hair. “I’ll tell her you’re a fan of hers.” I grinned and flopped backwards against the seat.

When we got to Dallon’s place—he directed Mikey around— we slid out of the back seat and stumbled onto the sidewalk, laughing and shushing and catching each other. I gave him a tight hug, which he returned equally. I leant back and grinned at him. “We’re bros, aren’t we?” I slurred.

“Totally,” he agreed. We swayed and had to let go of each other so we wouldn’t collapse. “And really drunk.”

“Say hello to your lady for me.” I waved and opened the passenger side door of Mikey’s car.

“Say hey to your boyfriend,” he retorted. Dallon leaned down and pointed at Mikey. “You get her home safe. Otherwise you’ll have me to answer to. She’s my bro!”

“Get your drunk ass inside,” Mikey laughed. We all waved, and Mikey waited until Dallon was safely inside before taking off down the street. “I like that fucker.”

I gazed out the window at all the swirly lights and things. “Me too,” I agreed. “He smells nice.”

“So when’d you get a fucking boyfriend!” he exclaimed, whacking me on the arm. “And why’d you not tell me, cuntmuffin!”

I rolled my head around to look at him, grinning. “Cuntmuffin.” I giggled. “He’s not reeeeally my boyfriend.”

Mikey made a confused face at the windshield. “So then what the fuck is he?”

“Iiii…” I half-sang before snorting and giving up on the note. “I dunno. We're buds… who happen to fuck on the sly.”

“Man, I am jealous. You're gettin' more action than me! So who's the lucky bastard?”

I grinned at him. “Aww, we can find you a nice boy out here, Mikey. Or a not-nice boy, if you want.” I winked. Far be it for me to deny anyone their own brand of deviancy.

“Babe, you read my mind. I like 'em tall, tan and lean.” I made a mental note. No place like Southern California to find that! He looked at me seriously, or as seriously as he could, considering the discussion. “But you didn't answer my question. Spill it, bitch.”

“Welllll…” I grinned. I was doing a lot of that. Happy drunk! “Guess!”

Mikey was quiet for a moment as we waited for a red light. “See, what's funny about this is that I'm not the drunk one so I figure we're at about equal intelligence right now. So you can try to play all the little games you want, but I will get a straight answer out of you, Miss Kallistrate.”

I cackled maniacally. “Eventually! Also, thank you!”

“Pretty sure I just insulted your intelligence when you're drunk, but you're welcome.” Had he? Oh well. “All right, you want me to guess? I'll guess. Brendon. I've seen you two get pretty friendly before.”

“Pfffft, noo! Clearly Brendon wants to do the dance with no pants with Josey.” That had to be the explanation. Only people with crushes could be that stupid around each other.

He tilted his head. “If that's true on Brendon's part, I don't think it's true on hers,” he observed. “Tristan said they were getting pretty serious.” Mikey shrugged. “But! If not Brendon, or Dallon, we can rule out Jacob thanks to Chuck, and Toby thanks to Ivy, which leaves us rather limited.” He narrowed his eyes at me. “How long? Since before we left?”

“Oh, you are clever, Mr. Lucas. I love clever boys.” I winked, not even worrying about the guessing game being over. “About… two weeks, I think.”

Mikey nodded. “Makes sense. You and Leif are very... well matched.”

I looked over at him in surprise. “Are we?” I hadn’t expected that. I just thought we were stuck together and both too flirty and horny to not shack up. Wait. “How do you know it's not Leo?”

Mikey laughed loudly. “Are you kidding me? Leo's like your grandkid. You're always yelling at him to sit still and smacking his hands away from valuable things. No chance for sexual tension.” He rolled his eyes at me. “And yes, you are.”

“True facts, my brotha,” I chuckled, glancing around at our surroundings again. Nearly there. Back at the house. Where everyone was. And now someone knew about me and Leif. I turned to him seriously. “You can't tell anyone, though.”

“Sugar, if you knew the secrets I've kept throughout the years,” he ruminated. “The government should hire me to protect the country. Then maybe they'd actually get shit done.” He grinned.

“Oh good. I think the rest of the guys would freak out. Leif kinda freaked out, actually.” I still wasn’t sure how to feel about that.

“What do you mean?”

“Well...” It had started about two weeks ago.

It was almost 2 AM and we had more recording to do in the morning, but I couldn't sleep. It was way too hot, even with only shorts and a tank-top, and moreover Leo snored. Loudly.

My head rolled in his direction and I watched him inhale and exhale like a chainsaw gearing up. I groaned quietly and shut my eyes at the ceiling. I'd been lying in bed for an hour and I still wasn't even tired. Eventually I got sick of listening to Leo's horrible sinuses and quietly got out of bed. Might as well get a glass of water since I wasn't doing anything.

The house we were staying in was pretty nice, and we didn't have to go far or even get fully dressed to go record since whoever owned the place bought it for the specific purpose of building a recording studio. We had three beds and two couches between the five of us—we rotated every few days so nobody was on a couch too long—as well as a full kitchen, entertainment room, and several bathrooms. I got my own since I was the only female in the house. I had to clean it, but that was totally worth not sharing with a bunch of dudes.

As I tiptoed down the hall, I noticed that the light in the kitchen was on. Strange, I thought. I thought everyone went to bed. I slowed as I neared the edge of the light and peered into the kitchen.

Leif was sitting there in one of the tall stools at the table with his laptop. He leaned his chin in a hand, propping himself up as he stared transfixed at the screen. He lifted a bottle of beer to his lips and took a sip, eyes never moving. His hair was all mussed up, sticking up in strange directions, but he clearly hadn't been to bed from how tired he looked. Which was weird.

Then again, Leif was one of the only people I had met who would be sitting in the kitchen in the middle of the night on his laptop in only a white v-neck and boxer-briefs. So maybe “weird” went without saying.

I leaned against the wall and took a deep breath. Leif's and my relationship had been... odd since our big show with Panic! though I don't think anyone had noticed. It wasn't bad, per se, just... different. I'd caught him looking at me strangely a few times, but every time I did, he just made a joke or changed the subject. And when we were alone he was a lot quieter. Not quiet, because Leif was never quiet, but... it was more like he wasn't thinking quite as fast as he usually did.

It wasn't just him acting differently: I'd started noticing things about him I hadn't seen before, like the way he stirred his tea clockwise a few times and then counter-clockwise the same number. Or how he closed his eyes when he was working on perfecting a riff. Or how he grinned, but didn’t say anything, whenever anyone said anything that could remotely be misconstrued as an innuendo, even the teeniest, tiniest bit.

All the little things that made Leif... Leif.

"Please tell me you're not watching porn," I said, walking around the corner.

His head snapped up and he rolled his eyes with a grin. He also looked me down and up, but I pretended I didn't notice. "No, I am not watching porn," he affirmed, pausing it. "What're you doing up, luv?"

"Can't sleep." I crossed to the cabinet and stretched up on my toes to grab a glass. When I turned around to the fridge, his eyes moved back to the screen. "Leo snores like a fucking jackhammer."

"Could be worse. Jacob talks in his sleep." I raised an eyebrow at him as I sipped. "To and about Charlotte. Or, as he says. Lottie."

I snorted, almost making water go up my nose, and covered my mouth to muffle my laughter. "Oh my god, he calls her Lottie? That's disgusting."

"You don' think it's cute?" Leif asked as I padded across the floor to sit next to him. "I thought all birds went for that romantic bollocks."

"That's why it's disgusting." I set down my glass and leaned forward onto my elbows. On the screen there was a little girl in a garden looking surprised. "What are you watching?"

He twisted his hair in his fingers, like he did when he was nervous or embarrassed or bored. Yet another thing I'd noticed. "Doctor Who. The lads don' get it and make fun of me if I watch it 'round them, so I'm watching it now." I nodded; I'd heard them give him crap whenever he wore this shirt with a statue of an angel that said "Don't Blink". I didn't get it, but they wouldn't let him explain it to me.

"D'you... wanna maybe... watch? With me?" I looked at Leif. He had stuttered his way through that question—something I'd never seen him do—and his voice had that same quiet tone he got when we were alone together. Was... was Leif being shy?

"Sure," I said with a small smile. "But why are you watching in the kitchen?"

Leif chuckled and reverted back to his normal snarky self. "Well, I can't exactly watch it in the bathtub, can I, luv?" I stuck my tongue out at him and joined him laughing. "The connection's better in 'ere than our room."

Another thing I had started paying more attention to was Leif's accent. The vowels were different. He said 'room' more like 'ruhm' and somehow the way he called me 'luv' was different from regular 'love'.

"Sofa?" I suggested. He nodded and we both set about moving our operation. Leif gathered up the charger and his laptop while I finished off my drink and turned on the dimmer switch in the entertainment room; it was closer to the bedrooms and we didn't want to wake anyone up.

A few minutes and a little explanation later, Leif started the episode from the beginning. He gave me the basic backstory: the Doctor was a 900-year-old Time Lord, a two-hearted race of time travellers from the planet Gallifrey who could regenerate instead of dying, giving themselves a new face and body. Since we were starting from the beginning of the most recent season, he said I didn't need more exposition than that.

Within six minutes, I was enamoured with the Doctor, and I only grew to adore him more as the episode wore on. I had to cover my mouth and laugh into Leif's shoulder a few times because of how funny it was, but I was also gripped completely at the serious parts.

"Verdict?" Leif requested when the credits began to run.

I lifted my head off his shoulder where I'd been resting it. I was a lot more open to the idea of sleeping now. Plus his shoulder was comfy. "I can't believe you never showed me this before!" I whispered accusingly, unable to keep myself from grinning. "That was fucking awesome!"

Leif smiled broadly. "Glad you like it," he murmured back.

"Do you have any more?" He looked mildly surprised, but nodded. I fell back against the couch, kind of exhausted by my own enthusiasm. "Oh man, he is so cool, with his bowtie and professor's jacket! I want a sonic screwdriver. And a TARDIS!" I sat back up, grinning. "How awesome would it be to travel around the universe— the whole of history! To go wherever and whenever you want and be back in time for tea!"

One second a million words were trying to get out of my mouth at once and the next second they met the traffic block that was Leif's lips on mine. It took me a moment to put all the pieces together before I was stunned.

Holy shit. Holy... shit. What...? Then in that one second, I got over the whole panicking thing of "oh god, what do I do? I need to call my friends for advice!" and went, Ah, fuck it, and kissed him back.

After a few minutes he moved his computer off his lap and onto the table we'd kicked our feet up on, and I tangled my fingers in his hair. I liked a guy with long hair. Gave me something to play with. Leif seemed to enjoy me doing so.

And he discovered that I loved how he sucked and nibbled on my lower lip.

But just like that (it seemed) he pulled away and stared me with big, wide eyes. "Shite," he swore softly, sitting back. Then he clapped a hand to his face and clamoured to his feet. "Shite! I'm such a fucking git!" Leif swiftly exited, leaving the room, his laptop, and me, who was very confused.

What just happened? I asked myself and the empty room. Did I do something wrong? I stayed on the couch in the dark for a good ten minutes, trying to figure it out. But since I had no information, I could only stress and hypothesize and drive myself crazy.

After that, I crept back to my room, where Leo was still snoring, and I still couldn't get so sleep, so I pulled out my own laptop and went on a Google search for more Doctor Who.

I must have fallen asleep somewhere along in the second episode of the first season, because when I woke up, it was morning and my laptop had gone to sleep. I yawned and stretched before sitting up and checking my email and such. It wasn't until I was halfway through reading my daily webcomics that I remembered the night before.

Leo, having just woken up, flinched when he looked at me. "Jesusfuck, Randy!" he exclaimed, rubbing his eyes. "You look possessed!" I put a hand up to my head. Apparently the front of my hair was standing straight up.

After a shower I grabbed a bagel from the kitchen and went down to the studio, where everyone was already set for a day of work. Today was keys, which meant everyone but Toby would be sitting around, but we all decided we’d be there for input to make sure our vision of the album was perfect. Which would’ve been okay except that Leif wouldn’t even look at me, let alone talk to me. What had I done?

It didn’t get really awkward until we broke for lunch. Leo and Jacob had gone to pick up food, Toby went to call Ivy, and our producer got a call from someone, which left Leif and I alone in the house. When it looked like people were leaving, I went up to the kitchen to…well, I’ll be honest, I was hiding.

Because I’m awesome like that.

After I called Josey and rambled around the problem—Josey’s not dumb, but I’m really good at playing things off—I went to the kitchen to get some tea to help me mull over my options. I was sitting stirring the ice around in the glass when, what do you know, Leif walked in. We stared at each other a second with wide eyes before he tried to backtrack and pretend he’d never walked in, but I jumped out of my seat. “Leif, wait!”

He froze, and then I froze, realising that I didn’t actually have anything to say. I just wanted him to stay. I hated him being uncomfortable around me. “Last night—”

“I’m sorry,” he said passing a hand over his eyes. “It was a stupid mistake.” My stomach twisted painfully. “I jus’…got too enthusiastic, I guess.”

“Because I like Doctor Who?” I asked in disbelief. “You kissed me because—”

“I don’t want to bugger things up, a’right? You’re important to me, Randy.” Leif wasn’t saying something, talking around what he wanted to say but wouldn’t, but I wasn’t sure what. “Look, maybe we should pretend it never happened.”

“No!” Suddenly I very, very badly wanted something harder than iced tea. So I went to the fridge and pulled out a bottle of cider. “I want to talk about this!”

“Why!”

“Because you kissed me and then ran away like a pansy without explaining yourself!”

“There’s nothing to explain! And I am not a pansy!”

“Then why did you kiss me?!” I demanded.

“Because…! Because…” Leif floundered, looking around the kitchen. Somehow without realising it, we’d been moving towards each other, to the point that I had abandoned my cider and he was standing over me. Damn him, being tall. When his eyes came back to me, he stopped frowning in frustration and grinned maniacally. “Your lips looked so inviting!”

I burst into laughter. “That’s so creepy! Like, homicidal psychopath creepy!”

Leif’s mad scientist grin turned into a genuine smile. “If I was, sweetheart, you know I’d be your favourite killer.”

I smiled. “You would,” I agreed. My eyes naturally moved downwards from his eyes to his lips, which were right in front of me, and more particularly his lipring. It was really shiny. And Leif did have nice lips. And… Jesus, he has nice lips.

I tugged the front of Leif’s shirt and kissed him hard. Probably a little harder than he was expecting (or than I should have) because he had to brace his hands on the table to keep from falling into me. But after he was stable, he relaxed and slid a hand up my hip.

“Wait, wait!” he said, pulling away a few inches. “But we’re in a band together!”

“Don’t care!” I replied, pulling him back and wrapping my arms around his neck.

A few seconds later, “But it’ll ruin our friendship!”

“Still don’t care!” After that he just shrugged and went with it.

Some time later (I honestly have no idea how much) the front door slammed shut and Jacob and Leo called that they were back victoriously with food. Without missing a beat, Leif and I broke apart and made ourselves look completely normal and inconspicuous; I sat down and opened my cider and Leif drummed restlessly on himself while looking in the fridge.

“Sup, my hungry bitches,” Leo greeted, walking in with a bag full of Mexican food.

“Nothing,” we said simultaneously.

Jacob looked back and forth between us. “Eerie. Don’t do that ever again.”

“And that was all anybody said about it,” I finished, smiling. Mikey looked mildly impressed. We had gotten back to the house and were sitting outside in the car still; apparently the story was too interesting. “And now we stay up until everyone’s gone to bed and watch Doctor Who together.”

“Well, aren’t you wholesome.” He rolled his eyes, shaking his head. “Us guys can be so clueless sometimes.”

I tilted my head. “How’d’ya mean?”

“How is it possible that no one noticed?” Mikey demanded, sounding amusingly outraged. “You and Leif may be clever bitches, but it’s nearly impossible to completely cover up that you just made out with someone. They may be subtle, but there are signs.”

“To be honest, I have no idea how nobody’s found out yet. When Josey and Chuck arrived, we barely made it into the house without all our clothes on.” I rolled my eyes. “Idiot pulled me into lap, trying to shut me up while I was squirming around.”

Mikey chuckled. “Yeah, I noticed you guys disappeared pretty quickly. I’m kinda pissed you got to him first. Motherfucker is fine.” I laughed, rolling my head back against the headrest. “It’s the accent, isn’t it? It just gets into you.”

I leaned my elbow against the door. “Bitch, you know that man is straight as you are fabulous.”

He gave a melodramatic woebegone sigh and laid his hand against his forehead. “I know! All the good ones are.”

“Awwww!” I leaned across the centre console to hug him around the neck. Sideways and across the car hugs are always awkward, but I was drunk so what did I care? “You and I will go down to the beach and find you a nice, tan surfer dude to nail.”

Mikey laughed and hugged me back. “Fuck yeah. Next day we have off.”

Then I did something peculiar. I hadn’t expected to do it, but I did. I pulled away from Mikey just enough to kiss his very sounding on the mouth. Luckily I didn’t miss. But more strangely than that, he didn’t shove me off. In retrospect, I think he was too surprised to.

“Wow.” I sat back in my seat and looked at him. Did I really just snog my decidedly gay friend and manager? “That’s the first time I’ve kissed a girl since I was, like, 10.”

I laughed. “I’m honoured, kinda. Sorry, something just came over me.”

“No, no… it was alright, actually.”

There was a pause, in which we both looked around at the empty street. I glanced at my phone; it was just after 1. “I think you should stay here the night.” Mikey turned to me. “Santa Monica’s a long drive in the dark alone.

He thought about it, looking unconvinced. I pouted, putting on my best pathetic face. When he noticed, he groaned. “Fine! Fine, you fucking sweetheart. Now get inside and show Leif why he’s lucky to have you.”

We barrelled out of the car, slamming and locking the doors. I waited until he came around to the sidewalk, dancing around, before taking his arm and striding inside. Mikey kept shushing me because I was stumbling around, almost knocking things over and giggling, but it didn’t really work, because he was laughing too.

“What took you guys so long?” I spun around and burst into laughter, almost knocking Mikey over. Leif raised his eyebrows at us. “You are sloshed, aren’t you, luv?”

“Dude, you have no idea,” Mikey laughed. “She and Dallon are apparently bros now.”

“Of course we are! I love Dallon!” I confirmed, grinning slyly at Leif. Oh, he was attractive. I let go out Mikey and wrapped my arms around Leif’s neck. “But not like I love you, darling.”

The look of sheer horror that crossed his face then made me giggle. “Randy!” he exclaimed in a squeaky voice, glancing at Mikey.

“Well, now that I’ve delivered your woman, I’m off to bed,” Mikey announced, turning and heading up the hallway. “Just keep your drunk fucking quiet so you don’t wake anyone up. And feed her some water so she’s not fucking annoying tomorrow.”

We watched him disappear, Leif with wide eyes and a gaping mouth. “What… what… Bloody hell, did you tell him!”

“Ah, don’t worry ‘bout him,” I said, leaning close to him and peering up at him through my eyelashes. “Mikey’s a doll and won’t tell. Now…” I slid a hand down his chest, and his jaw clicked shut. “We are alone, and nobody else is awake.” I grinned wickedly. “And I don’t want to watch the Doctor.”

Leif smirked. “Funny thing, neither do I.” He swept me up into his arms, making me squeak. “However shall we amuse ourselves?”