Blinded

After several hours of not only waiting, but also torture from the doctors, I finally get to go home.
Turns out I dislocated two fingers. They had to take my bandage off to put a new one on, and as they did they saw the burns. It must have looked pretty bad, ‘cause they decided to unwrap my other hand too. I wish they hadn’t.
They decided to wrap up and put a cast on my one hand, which had been the good one before, but now was the bad one with the dislocated fingers.
But my other hand? The one that I’d considered bad before? Well, that one they decided to do a little playtime on.
First they stung me with needles – repeatedly! They told me they were numbing the area and therefore needed to inject anesthesia in different places, but that was fucking bullshit! I mean, sure, it didn’t hurt once they started slicing in my hand, but I definitely felt it!
And yeah, they sliced in me! They fucking cut the skin off my hand! They said it was dead and that removing it would speed up the healing, and fair enough; that’s what I want, but do I need to feel it?! Do I really need to feel the sickening feeling of my own skin being cut off and ripped off my hand?!
I didn’t say anything though. Maybe I should’ve. But I didn’t. Okay? Good.
I sigh and rub my nose again. My nose has been itching ever since I got into this car, but rubbing it with my sleeve only makes it itch more. And I fucking refuse to ask one of the guys to itch my nose!! I will never do it! That would be sinking so low that the bottom would be more visible than the surface of this black sea!
‘Cause everything is black. It’s all black.
I rub my nose again. Am I getting allergic to dogs? It’s Bob’s car… Am I getting allergic to dogs?
The car takes a right-turn, and I can hear the wheels drive on a dirt road – the occasional pebble being flung up against the underside of the car.
I can hear Bob’s hands on the steering wheel as he turns the car to the left. Then we stop.

“I’ll get the door, Gee,” Mikey says as he places a hand on my shoulder. I nod, before I place a few of my fingers on the fabric of seat belt that’s strapped over my chest. I run my fingers down towards the lock and find it easily.
Mikey opens the door and grabs my arm. He leads me out of the car, and then across the dirt ground – little pebbles grinding against each other as I step on them. The sound is somewhat soothing – the sound of scraping, creaking, whining and crackle. It reminded me of the dirt road we walked on when we went to visit grandpa at his cottage in the woods. I can almost smell the scent of pine trees.
I hear the bus door being opened – the dull thud as the lock is pulled out of its socket.
Someone walks up the steps.
“Okay, one high step,” Mikey says, and though he doesn’t actually touch my leg, I can feel his hand behind my one knee. Just to mess with him, I lift the other leg first.
I – surprisingly – easily find the first step and raise myself up.
I walk up the steps – Mikey’s hand protectively holding on to my arm to make sure I don’t fall or stumble – and turn left to walk down through the bus.
Suddenly Mikey stop – still holding onto my arm. I almost lose my balance at the hard tug it causes at my arm.

“What the fuck, Mikey?” I ask once I’ve regained my balance. He can’t just fucking stop and not tell me!
He doesn’t answer. He just keeps holding onto my arm – standing perfectly still. Earth to Mikes!

“Hi Gee.” My head whips up and turn towards the sound – the voice. I can’t tell who it is. The voice was nothing but a tiny whisper – almost a whimper. It was too short for me to hear who said it.
Mikey lets go of my arm.

“I’ll be in the back, Gee.” He walks past me and soon his footsteps become quieter and quieter. Then they disappear.
So here I stand – looking like a complete fool – not knowing who the fuck I’m facing! I swear to you right now; I will never pour water over myself ever again! Which does leave out showers, but hey! I’ve lived without them for almost a week now! I can most certainly manage a fucking lifetime! Besides, there’s always baths! Sponge-baths…

“I’m sorry, Gee.” It’s Frank. I recognize the voice now.
My belly burns with anger.
“I’m sorry I pushed you. I didn’t mean to hit you.” That last sentence sounded so fake. Faker than tofu!

“Bullshit,” I snarl at him. I try and pull off a venomous look, but it’s hard to tell whether my eyes are actually squinting at him or not, when I can’t see a flying fuck!
I go for the guilt-trip instead.
“You know what I went through at the hospital? Huh? No! You don’t! Why? ‘Cause you weren’t fucking there!” I yell. I know. But he deserves it.
“Not only did they torture me by pulling my fingers back into place, but they also stung me with a needle a billion and one times! And that’s not all. No. They also fucking sliced in me, Frank! They cut my skin off!” I hold my skinned and wrapped hand up for emphasis.
“I know you didn’t burn me, but you’re the reason I had to go to the fucking hospital!” I try to point a finger at him with my raised hand, but it hurts. So I don’t.
“I know you meant to push me. I know you meant to hurt me,” I snarl at him – my voice filled with venom. I’ve never been this mad at him – never. He hurt me. While I was fucking blind!

“Okay, yes! I fucking meant to hurt you!” he screams at me. It makes me jump slightly.
“But I only did it to get you back!” I frown.

“Get me back? When the fuck did I ever hurt you?” I quickly yell back – knowing I’m cutting him off.

“When? You’re asking when?!” I hear him sigh loudly. I can hear his feet shuffle around.
“No mom, there’s no one new in my life. Absolutely no one,” he says with an altered voice – mocking me. I’m snarl – showing my teeth, I’m sure.
“You fucking hurt me, Gerard!” His voice has changed. And not just from the alteration from before. No, it’s changed from angry to hurt. It’s still loud, though.
“You fucking kissed me, Gee! You kissed me and then acted like it never happened!” My anger falls from my face and I stare blankly into the darkness.
“And on top of that you fucking ignored me! You even pushed me away!” I can practically hear the tears flowing from his eyes. Did he take it that serious?
“I love you, Gerard! I fucking love you and you’re pushing me away!” His voice breaks at the end of the sentence, and the last word comes out as nothing but a whisper.
“You used me.” His voice is nothing but a whisper now. I hear him whimper. Did he really take it this serious? Did I use him? Is it “using”, when I never knew? I never knew he loved me like that.
I hear him take a deep breath.
“Stop playing with me.” Now it’s him who’s snarling. I frown briefly at how he suddenly turned from angry to hurt, then right back to angry.
“I can’t be your toy. I can’t be your teddy bear. I can’t even be your friend right now.” He sighs deeply, before I hear his light footsteps walk past me. When he passes me, I feel a slight wind hit me in the face.
I close my eyes. Soon Frankie’s footsteps are gone, and all I can hear is my heart and my breath.
Everything is so quiet. So dark. So, so dark.