Blinded

“Okay, Mr. Way. Just lie perfectly still,” the crackling voice says. I’m obviously being spoken to over an intercom – or something like that.
I take one last big breath, before I focus hard on not moving. I can hear my breath – not just from my own body, but the sound of air passing my lips is echoing back to me in the… I think I’m in a tube of some kind. You know; the ones you see on TV-shows where some poor guy, girl or even kid needs to get scanned to see if they have some kind of cancer?
I think I’m in one of those.
It scares me that I can’t even see the bright, white plastic that I’m sure it’s made out of.
Suddenly a loud thudding sound bellows, and I jump from the shock. I stiffen and lie still as told.
The thudding sound continues. It’s loud – very loud. It sounds like something’s circling around me – always starting near my right ear and moving over my face towards the left ear. It’s loud.
I’m scared. I know it’s not gonna hurt me. It’s not like a needle will suddenly poke into my eye because they just wanted to see if I wasn’t faking it.
I try to hold back a shudder, but my leg vibrates a bit.
The loud thudding sound suddenly stops, and I relax a bit. It’s gonna be over soon. It has to.
Slowly my muscles relax and I unclench my fists.
Suddenly the loud thudding sound starts up again – just as sudden as before. This time the sound seems to start near my left ear and move towards my right.
I’m swallow. I’m probably not supposed to, but I can’t really stop it. I’m nervous.
I’m scared.
What if I really am faking this? Could I even do that? Could I actually be fooling myself? Is that even possible?
No. It couldn’t be.
Could it? What if it is? What if this whole ‘I’m blind’-deal is a mental thing. Like I’m suppressing something. Maybe there’s something I don’t wanna see.
Like Frank? Maybe I don’t wanna see his love. Maybe I have subconsciously seen it, and now my subconscious is trying to rid me of it completely.
What if that’s the case? What if they find nothing on these scans? What if it’s all in my head?
“Okay. We’re all done,” the crackling voice over the intercom says. I haven’t even noticed the loud thudding sound stopping.
I feel that I’m being moved.
“You’re welcome to sit up now. We’ve got a wheelchair for you, so I’ll push you back to the waiting room now.” The guy walking grabs my arm and leads me off the madras I’ve been lying on and helps me find the seat of the wheelchair. He then starts pushing me.
“It might take a little while for the doctor to look at your scans, but I’m sure he won’t take more than an hour. When he’s taken a look at your scans, he’ll call you in to his office and tell you what’s going on.” An hour? I have to sit in a fully public waiting room for an hour? Fuck.

-----

“Uhm, hi!” Don’t get me wrong, I love our fans, but why do they have to show up right now? I’m barely even talking to any of the guys – too busy thinking about everything – so I’m not at all in the mood to talk to any fans. Especially not when I can’t even see them.
“Could we get your autographs?” She says it in a tone that makes me certain that I’ve missed about half of what she’s said.

“Sure,” Frank says. He sound cheery. It sound fake. Is he really mad at me? For asking him to leave after he hurt me? He wouldn’t even touch me, and now I’m supposed to feel sorry?
I never did anything wrong! Sure, I never saw that he actually loved me, but can you blame me? Even if I had seen it or noticed it or somehow just guessed it, then how the fuck should I really have known? I most certainly couldn’t have been sure! How could I ever have been sure when he’s never told me? He’s never told me! How the fuck was I ever supposed to know?

“Can we have yours, Gerard?” I lift my head up – making sure to rid it of any hostility and looking innocent instead.
Nothing is being said.

“Uhm,” I hesitate. I wait for one of the other guys to say something, but they don’t. They just leave me hanging.
“I can’t see.”
Still nothing is being said. Don’t they understand it? Are people still here?
“I-“ I sigh.
“I can’t see what I’m writing. I can’t even see if I’m actually writing on the paper.” No one is saying anything. I turn my head to search for any sound anywhere.
Nothing.

“I am so sorry! Really! I wasn’t thinking! I mean-” She’s trailing off.
I shake my head.

“It’s okay.” I smile a bit. I’m sure it looks fake.
“I sometimes forget myself.” Lie. Have you ever heard a lie that big? Doubt it.

“I’m really sorry! Really,” she says – truly regretful. I actually feel sorry for her.

“Honest mistake.” I shrug.

“Uhm. I-“ She sighs. I smile encouraging.
“Thank you all so much. Really. And again; I’m so sorry!”

“It’s fine. Honestly.” I hear her light footsteps move away.

“Thank you.” I just smile. Her footsteps fade.
I wish I could’ve seen her face.