Blinded

“Gerard Way,” a female voice calls out. I raise my arm.

“Over here!” I hear clogs come closer. I’m guessing she’s a nurse.

“Hi! I’m gonna take you to Dr. Matthews’ office, okay?” Her voice sounds cheery. It sounds genuine.
“Do you want any of your friends to come with you?” I turn my head backwards to where her voice is coming from now. Should I? What if it’s bad news? What if the doc says there’s nothing on the scans – that it’s just all in my head?
I don’t want them to see me as a nut.

“Uhm, no. It’s okay.” I lower my head.

“Okay,” she says cheery. She starts pushing me. I feel kinda bad for basically throwing the guys out of a room I haven’t even entered yet, but… I just don’t want them to think I’m a lunatic. And I most certainly do not want them to think I’ve been faking this entire time – this entire thing.
“There.” My wheelchair comes to a stop, and I hear the safety being clicked on – preventing the chair from wheeling off.
“The doctor will be here in a minute. You okay? You want anything to drink or something? Coffee? Tee? Water?” She finally stops talking.

“No, thanks. I’m fine.” Again, I smile – fake.

“Okay. Bye then.” She pats my shoulder, and I hear her clogs skip out of the room. I wonder if she’s an intern or a candy striper or just on the happy pill – overdosed.

“Hello, Mr. Way!” I hear a door behind me close, before almost silent footsteps move towards me. He’s not wearing clogs. Maybe it’s only nurses who wear clogs.
“I’m Dr. Matthews.” I think he’s standing in front of me, but I can’t tell. I’ve barely even heard his footsteps, so I don’t know if he’s stopped walking – or if he’s already walked past me.
Suddenly he takes my hand and shakes it shortly, before he lets go and walks away from me. I hear a chair creak.

“Sorry,” I half-laugh. He wanted to shake my hand – duh! That was embarrassing.

“Oh, don’t be.” He sounds happy – obliging. He makes me relax. I smile – genuinely.
“So,” he says firmly as I hear a few papers being turned and flipped through.
“I’ve had a chance to look at your scans.” His voice is slow and clear. He sounds as if hoes looking for something.
The sound of paper being waved around in the air suddenly fills my ears.
“Okay. So.” Does he even know what patient I am? Does he even care?
“It seems that the swelling in the back of your brain has gone down.” Oh great, I’m a nut case!
“And since this swelling has gone down, we’ve been able to spot a contusion on your brain.” That can’t be good.
“It’s basically a kind of bruise, which means it’s a small gathering of blood.” Okay, definitely not good!
“Usually contusions like this go away on their own, meaning that the gathering of blood will disappear over time, but so far it doesn’t seem to do so. By now it should’ve disappeared. This is why I think it would be best if we went in and drained the area for the blood that has gathered.” ‘Went in’? As in surgery?
The doctor doesn’t say anymore.

“Like…surgery?”

“Yes.” His voice is small and careful. It’s understandable. I probably look like I’m in complete shock. Or I just look really scared. I am both.
“Now, I would recommend that you got the surgery, but in the end it’s entirely up to you. It is still possible that your brain will heal up on its own, but on the other hand there is a risk that it might cause permanent damage.” I take in a deep breath.

“What kind of permanent damage?”

“Well, you could risk being permanently blind.” No!

“What-“ I take a deep breath.
“What will happen during the surgery?”

“You would be lying face down during the procedure. We’d have to drill a hole in your skull in order to get access to the contusion.” I swallow down the bile that’s pressing against my Adam’s apple.
“After that we’ll take a needle and slowly drain it.” I swallow once again.
“Are you okay, Mr. Way?” I take a few slow, deep breaths.
I quickly nod.

“I’m fine.” I swallow hard.
“It’s just…” I trail off. I don’t know. Shocking? Scary? Terrifying?

“I understand.” How? How the fuck…?
“It’s a lot to take in. It’s a lot of information at once, but we do need to make a decision.” We? How the fuck can it ever be we?
“I do need to tell you about the consequences of the surgery. Are you up for hearing it? Would you like for me to go get one of your friends?” I quickly shake my head.

“Just tell me.” I brace myself as I hear the doctor take a deep breath.