Blinded

After the show, Mikey insisted that I’d bathe. According to him – and Ray and Bob – I smelled awful.
Frank, apparently, had no comment.
Since my hands are still bandaged and I still see about as much as a mole underground – or above – I can’t just go take a shower.
So right now, Mikey is washing me. He apparently found some cloth – fresh out of the wrapping, luckily – and is washing me with it.

“So you’re absolutely sure that you’re okay? No dizziness or headache or anything?” We’ve been talking about this for the past 5 or 10 minutes, I suppose, and I keep answering the same damn thing.

“Yes, Mikey. I’m perfectly fine.” This time I say it through clenched teeth.

“Okay! Okay. I just wanna make sure.” And that’s what he keeps retorting.
I need to end this circle.

“Where’s Frank, anyways? Is he even around?” Mikey lifts my arm and washes my armpit.
I hear him gag, and I can’t help but laugh at that. We’ve got the same smell after all – why be repulsed?

“Sure, he’s around. I think he’s in his bunk. Why?” He lets go of my arm and I can hear water splash – then drip heavily.
I sigh. I’ve always told him everything – why not this?
Answer: Because I’ve never been gay before!

“I’m just a little worried. I haven’t heard his voice since-“ When? Two days? Three days? More?
“In a long time.” He’s probably mad at me. Not only have I rejected him, but I’ve also ignored him because of my own confusion.
But heck, I’ve ignored everyone! Not just him!
And I only rejected him because he rejected me!
Fuck – that sounds childish.
Am I being immature?

“Well, he is around. He’s just been a bit quiet, I guess.” Mikey rubs the cloth over my chest. I wince slightly as the rough material scratches my skin.

“Doesn’t that worry you? He’s the loudest of all of us, and suddenly I don’t hear his voice for days!”

“Wow. Relax, Gee.”I must look distressed.
“What’s going on? Why are you getting so worked up about this? He might just need some space.”

“How can you be so relaxed about this? There’s obviously something wrong with him!” My throat is sore. When I blink my eyes, I feel them sting.

“Gee. Really; what’s going on?” Mikey’s voice is calm and soothing.
I inhale deeply and prepare myself to speak, but I stop myself.
I’m about to come out. I’m about to change my sexuality – my life. I can’t just blurt this out.
“What is it, Gee?”
I take a deep breath and exhale half of it slowly, before I speak.

“I’m in love with him, Mikes. I’m in love with Frankie.” Frankie. His nickname not only makes my stomach tickle, but also makes it turn and writher in regret and guilt.
Mikey is quiet. The cloth isn’t touching my skin – neither are his hands.
I suddenly feel alone. I know my brother would never reject me, but I still feel alone – so terribly alone. It’s like the loneliness tears at my chest – ripping it apart bit by bit like a piece of paper.

“When?” Mikey whispers – something close to disbelief in his faint voice.
And then it hits me: When?
When did I fall for him? When did these feelings start? How? Why?
What happened?
What changed me?

“I-“ I swallow – trying not to cry, but failing miserably. I whimper.
“I don’t know.” My voice comes out as nothing but a whisper – much lower than Mikey’s – before I break down and start sobbing uncontrollably. Mikey quickly wraps him arms around me and holds me close – his small arms so tight and protective around me.
What happened to me?