Blinded

I was blind not to see it. And I needed to be blind to see it. But I don’t need to be mute to say it.
I walk into the back of the bus. The TV is on – probably flicking multiple colors through the dark room. We always watch TV in the dark.

“I’m gonna go for a walk,” Frank suddenly says, and I can hear the leather of the couch creak and squeak before footsteps approach me.

“Frank!” I say firmly. I know I’m blocking the way out, and soon the footsteps come to a hold.
“I need to talk to you.” Frank sighs – deeply.

“We have nothing to talk about.” He places a hand on my shoulder and pushes me, but I place a hand on top of his and stand firm.

“Yes, we do!” I yell – right into his face, I’m sure.

“I think we should leave, guys,” Ray says and the couch noises again – several times.
“Sit down Frank,” Ray says, before Frank’s hand suddenly leaves my shoulder. I hear a loud thumb and almost jump from the shock.

“We’ll be just outside, ‘kay?” Mikey asks, and I nod and step aside. The three guys walk past me.
As I hear their footsteps fade away more and more, Frank’s fast and harsh breath becomes more and more prominent. Soon, it’s the only thing I can hear.

“I need to talk to you.”

“You already said that,” Frank quickly snaps back. I frown, before I take a few shaky steps into the room.

“Why the are you being so hostile?” Frank laughs – sarcastically.

“You’re seriously asking me why?” Frank continues to laugh.

“Why are you doing this to me? I’m trying to fucking talk to you and tell you how much you’ve fucking hurt me lately, and you’re just fucking laughing?” I yell. He stops laughing.

“I’ve hurt you?” He yells – louder than me.
“You think you’re the one who’ve been hurt? That you’re the victim? Fuck, Gerard! You truly are fucking blind!” He spits the last word. It feels like a physical slap in the face, rather than just a verbal one.

“Frank, you-“

“How do you even know hurt? You don’t know anything!” His voice is suddenly thick with sadness – tears.
“I’ve always fucking loved you! I’ve loved you so fucking much that you can’t even begin to understand it! And then to have you use me like that!” All I can do is just stay frozen – just listen to him. His voice is filled with tears.
“You kissed me! And then you fucking push me away! You have no fucking idea how much that fucking hurt!” He’s yelling so loud. My ear drums hurt, but by the sound of his voice I can tell that he’s hurting more.
“We’ve kissed before, but that kiss was fucking different! It actually meant something! Something fucking real! It wasn’t just for show or for pure controversy and disputes with the record company and the fans and their fucking parents! It meant something!” He sobs once.
“It was just you and me! No one else knew! It was something that only you and I shared, and it meant so fucking much to me! And then to have you throw that away? To have you push me away and ignore me?” He sobs – more than once. I don’t count.
“I couldn’t even look at you.” He’s not yelling anymore. His voice is low – exhausted.
“I couldn’t stand being around you. I still fucking can’t.” He sobs.
“It hurts, Gerard.” He wheezes for his breath.
“It’s like I can’t breathe.” He draws in sharp breaths and let them out as whimpers.
“I can’t look at you when I know you don’t love me back.” His voice is barely even a whisper – barely audible. But I hear it. I do.

“I- I was confused,” I start – knowing I have to start somewhere. My voice is a whisper.
“After our kiss, I just-“ What? I just what? Freaked out? Fell in love? Realized how I’ve always been in love with my best friend, but never known when or where or why I fell in love?
“I was confused.” I’ve already said that – just move on!
“I needed time to think. I didn’t know what was going on.” Frank whimpers before he draws in a quick breath. He keeps doing that – each whimper causing more tears in my eyes.
“I didn’t know how I felt. Suddenly I just felt everything, just-“ Fuck! How do I explain this?
“I love you, Frankie!” I yell.
“I fucking love you! I love you more than just a best friend!” I yell, before I take a deep breath.
“I love you more than anything,” I whisper – for some reason feeling ashamed of it.
Or scared.
Tears slowly start rolling down my cheeks. My chest feels tight as all of my frustration, confusion and loneliness starts piling up – again.
“I don’t fucking know for how long, but I’m in love with you. I don’t know when it started. And I sure as hell don’t know why it took me so long to realize it!” I sniffle.
“But that doesn’t matter,” I say and shake my head.
“All of that doesn’t matter, but I still-” I stop myself, and suddenly my anger gets the better of me.
“I’ve been so fucking confused. Fuck!” I lean my head back and try to swallow down the frustration that’s threatening to come out. I feel like I’m about to scream.
“I suddenly found out that I’m in fucking love with my best fucking friend. And not only that, but I also that I’m gay! Or at least bi. How the fuck was I supposed to react?” I run a hand through my hair, then grab a tight hold of a lock of it.
“And then when I finally found out that I was in fucking love with you, I needed you! I needed to talk to you about it!” I gasp for my breath. My tears seem to be absorbing all of my oxygen.
“You left me!” I sob. I want to sit down, but I have no idea where any of the couches are.
“I’ve been blind for a month now! I couldn’t fucking find you! I couldn’t just go find you or follow you if you walked away!” I sniffle loudly, before I sob again.
“I need you. I need all of you. I need to feel you and smell you and taste you and hear you.” I sob loudly. My chest and throat aches.
“But most of all, I need to see you. I need to see your eyes, your hair, your lips, your tattoos. I barely even remember what you look like. I need to see you again.” My voice is a shaking whisperer, but my last three words are barely even an exhaled;
“I need you.”
Suddenly I feel a breath against my quivering jaw.
“Frankie?” I whisper. My breath returns and hits my lips. I know he’s close.

“I love you, Gerard Way.” On the inside I’m grinning and smiling like mad, but on the outside I’m more serious than I’ve ever been.

“I love you so much, Frank fucking Iero.” Frank’s hands suddenly wrap around my jaw – holding my face softly.
“Kiss me,” I sigh. I hear and feel Frank sigh deeply.
Then his lips meet mine – enclosing mine tenderly. Our lips move together so perfectly that I’ll never be able to describe it. My entire body is going nuts – sending so many signals to my brain that it suddenly just shuts down.
And then I just enjoy our kiss. Our beautiful, indescribable, deep, loving, caring, tender kiss that I’ll never be able to describe, even if I had Shakespeare’s pen in my hand.
We pull apart after a long time, and I feel Frank’s soft, panting breath on my chin.

“My middle name isn’t fucking,” Frank suddenly states. I break into giggles. Frank joins, and I stop my own to listen to his.
I wish I could see those brown eyes.
Frank sighs.
Suddenly I freeze. My entire body tenses uncontrollably and I can’t move a single muscle. My chest tightens and I can’t catch my breath.
Frank notices.
“Gerard?” I can’t move. Oh wait, I can – but not on my own free will. My body twitches – my one eye, my fingers and my legs moving uncontrollably.
“Gerard, are you okay?” His voice is more worried – panicked.
“Oh, fuck!” he says and lets go of my face. I stay frozen. I can’t even breathe. I can’t control my body at all. It’s numb and…paralyzed. It’s like it’s not there.
“Worm! Bob! Somebody! Help me!” He’s yelling so loud – almost screaming. His voice is hysteric – on the verge of breaking. He brings his hands to my face again and starts stroking both my cheeks frantically.
“It’s okay, baby. It’s gonna be okay. We’re gonna get you to a hospital. Please don’t die? Please?” Baby? Wow.
He lets go of my face and is about to call again when I grab his arm.

“Frank.” My voice isn’t much louder than a whisper. I pull him back towards me and his chest meets mine. His breath hits my chin again.
“I can see you,” I whisper as I stare into his gorgeous hazel eyes – his tiny eyelashes framing them with such finesse that no pencil or brush of mine could ever capture it. My knees almost buckle as those mesmerizing eyes light up – glistening with happiness through the tears.
His breath calms and he just stares at me.
A couple of footsteps run into the room, but I’m too busy to care. I just keeping staring into those eyes that I’ve missed for…only the Gods know how long.
Frank’s hand comes up and his soft fingers run across my left cheek.
He smiles.

“Finally.”