They Can't Protect Me From Loving You

Brian held Eloise's hand tightly every mile of the way home, only letting go when he needed to for driving purposes. They were silent as they drove with Eloise vacantly staring out of the window as silent tears rolled down her cheeks. With every glance Brian took at Eloise he had swallow back tears of his own. He couldn’t let her see his tears, he had to stay strong. She’d been through so much over the past couple of weeks and Brian was worried that the miscarriage would be the final thing that would end up breaking her.

He pulled up into the driveway and quickly went to take Eloise's hand as she got out of the car. She looked up at him and gave him a weak smile that didn’t meet her eyes as he pulled her closer to his side and placed a soft kiss to her temple. They walked up the driveway and Brian let them into the house where they were immediately greeted by a yapping Pinkly. Brian steered Eloise past their dog and ushered her slowly up the stairs towards their bedroom.

“You should try and get some sleep ba- sweetie.” Brian said softly, mentally slapping himself as he saw her wince. She nodded silently and moved herself away from Brian’s side to sit down on the bed where she started to remove her clothes. As Brian turned to get a pair of pyjamas out of the drawer and handed them to her silently, Pinkly pushed his way through the half-closed door and jumped up onto the bed.

“Pinkly, down!” Brian yelled as the dog pushed his way onto Eloise's lap.

“Bri! Don’t yell at the dog, please, it’s not his fault.” Eloise replied quietly as she took hold of the dog in her arms and began to scratch behind his left ear. Brian sighed heavily and ran his fingers through his hair.

“I know, sorry.” He replied just as quietly as he took a step closer and knelt down beside her, keeping his focus on the dog.

Silently Eloise reached and placed her hand on top of his, causing him to look up. “Please stay with me.” she whispered as the relentless tears continued to fall down her cheeks.

“Of course I will.” He replied before picking up Pinkly so that she could put her pyjamas on.

She climbed into bed and pulled the duvet around her. As Brian stripped Pinkly climbed over the bedding and nuzzled himself into the duvet beside Eloise. Brian climbed into the bed, moving himself as close to Eloise as he could, gently wrapping his arms around her waist as she faced away from him. She took hold of his hand and entwined their fingers as he placed a gentle kiss onto the top of her head.

As Eloise lay silently, allowing a sniffle escape her every now and again, Brian finally allowed the tears he’d been holding back fall silently down his face. He’d never known pain quite like this and he knew that it must have been only a fraction of what Eloise was going through. That’s what was killing him the most, the pain she must have been going through. Not the physical pain. The emotional pain. He knew Eloise too well by now; he knew that she would be adding to the pain of miscarrying their baby. She would be blaming herself. She would blame herself for taking those pills, for not being prepared to keep his baby. These thoughts caused more tears to fall from Brian’s eyes as he watched Eloise, listening as he breathing slowed, her eyes closed in a sleep she desperately needed.

Once he was sure she was in a deep sleep Brian gently removed his arm from around her waist and slowly got out of the bed and headed for the adjoining bathroom. He walked over to the shower and turned on the water, stripping himself of his boxers and stepped in, not caring that the water was at first cold. He stood under the water, allowing it to wash away his tears as fresh ones fell.

He stood under the water for what seamed to be an eternity, finally shutting off the water and wrapping himself in a towel.

As he stepped back out into the bedroom he couldn’t help but notice that Eloise was having a restless sleep. She was usually such a peaceful sleeper and would barely stir at all during the night. He quickly dried himself and grabbed a pair of boxers from his drawer. As he was putting them on, Eloise sobbed in her sleep. Brian walked over to her side of the bed, crouching down so that his face was level with hers and placed a hand gently on her face, wiping away the tears that were falling even now when she was asleep.

“No” she muttered with another cry.

“Shh, baby its ok.” Brian whispered quietly, his hand brushing a stray piece of hair off her face.

“My baby” she gasped her eyes suddenly snapping open and meeting Brian’s.

“Its ok.” Brian whispered.

“No! I killed the baby, our baby, I killed it!” she sobbed hysterically. Brian pushed himself quickly onto the bed beside her and pulled her into his arms as she continued to sob uncontrollably.

“Shh, Eloise, calm down ba-honey.” Brain whispered as he held her tight against him, running his had up and down her back soothingly.

“But I killed it, I took those pills, they killed it, I –“ she cut herself off with another loud sob.
Brian pulled her away from his chest, holding on to her by her upper arms. “El, look at me, listen.” Eloise shook her head, keeping her gaze downwards.

“Eloise, please, look at me, please El.” Brian pleaded again. Slowly she raised her head, still keeping her eyes away from him.

“Eloise, please.” He whispered quietly, bowing his head so their forehead were resting against each other. With a small intake of breath she lifted her eyes to meet Brian’s.

“You are not the one to blame for this, Eloise, it’s not your fault, there wasn’t anything you could have-“

“I didn’t have to take those pills!” she interrupted bitterly. Brian sighed deeply. “See, you know it’s true, if I hadn’t of taken them I would still be pregnant, with our baby.” She snapped, her eyes snapping shut as tears continued to leak out.

“You weren’t to know. What if it had been his baby?” Brian stopped as noticed her wince and took another deep breath.

“I’m not going to let you take the blame for this. If anyone should take the blame it should be them! They did this the moment they put you in that van. They’re the ones to blame, you’ve done nothing.” Brian said his voice soft yet stern.

“Do you understand me?” he said when Eloise was silent and still. Their eyes met again and she began to nod silently.

“Good, I know this is going to be hard for you, for both of us, but we’ll get through it, it will get better, I promise.” He said gently brushing his lips against the tip of her nose.

“I’m going to go make us something to eat, we haven’t eaten since last night, come on down when you’re ready ok.” he said finally letting go of her shoulders and brushing her hair off her face once again as she nodded. He softly placed her lips against her cheek before standing up and leaving the room.

Eloise slowly walked down the stairs with the smell of eggs wafting up to greet her. Having put her pyjamas back on after a shower, Eloise walked into the kitchen, seeing Brian stood at the stove with his back to her.

“Smells good.” She said quietly as she took a seat on one of the stools at the breakfast counter. Brian turned suddenly, obviously not hearing her join him.

“Hey, I’ve done us eggs and toast. I didn’t know how hungry you’d be, but I’ll do you something else as well if you’re starving.” He said with a half smile as he continued to mix the eggs.

“No, that’ll be fine, thank you.” she muttered, trying her best to produce a smile.

A few moments later, Brian placed a plate of scrambled eggs on toast down in front Eloise and sat down opposite her in front of a plate of his own. After a few small mouth full’s, Eloise began to push the food around her plate, hoping that it would look like she’d eaten more. She glanced up to see Brian quickly divert his eyes back to his half eaten food.

“Bri…” Eloise started in an almost inaudible whisper.

“Yes bab-“ he replied wincing as he mentally kicked himself as he yet again went to call her baby like he always did. Eloise stretched her arm across the counter and placed her hand on his causing him to look up at her.

“It’s ok.” she said quietly with a small smile. “Please don’t stop calling me baby.”

Brian nodded and laced his fingers with hers. “Ok, now, what were you going to say?” he asked. Eloise glanced down at her food for a moment before returning her gaze to Brian.

“Would I have been a good mother?” she asked quietly. Brian looked at her for a brief moment before dropping his fork on his plate and reaching over the counter to take hold of her other had.

“Baby, you would make a wonderful mother. You will make a wonderful mother, I have no doubt about that.” He replied watching a small smile appear in her face.

“Just now in the shower, I was thinking, what our baby would have been like.” she said, watching a sullen smile appear on Brian’s lips.

“I was thinking about that too, this morning, after you’d come out of theatre, building up a picture of her in my mind.”

“Her?” she asked with a smile. Brian nodded.

“Yeah, this beautiful baby girl. Dark hair, your eyes, my cheek bones.” He replied quietly. “How did you picture her?”

“Actually I pictured a boy, a mini version of you, with deep chocolate brown eyes, thick dark hair, your smirk….” She trailed off feeling fresh tears forming. Brian let go of her hands and walked around to her side of the counter. He turned her on the stool and pulled her into a hug. She placed her head on his chest and wrapped her arms around his middle as she felt him kiss the top of her head. They were silent for a long moment before Brian spoke.

“I don’t know how you feel about this, I’d always known we’d end up having children together sometime in the future….” He paused for a moment, taking another deep breath. “But do you want to stop taking the pill and see what happens?” he asked timidly. Eloise instantly lifted her head off his chest and looked up into his tired eyes.

“You want us to try for another baby?” she whispered. Brian nodded silently.

“Yeah, if you want to. I mean, I think we’re ready to be parents.” He replied. Eloise was silent for a long moment, her eyes baring straight into Brian’s as she thought about what he had said.

“Ok.” she replied simply, reaching up briefly to peck his lips before resting her head back on his chest.