Just Hate Me and We'll End It Here

Bailey

My eyes finally flutter open from the best sleep I’ve had in a while. Sighing, I look up and through the curtains, I can see the sun. A small smile slips on my lips and I watch a few clouds for a while, enjoying the peace.

There’s a small rustle beside me. Confused, I turn a little and my eyes widen, finding Alex fast asleep right there. My heart practically stops thudding and I forget to breathe for a minute. I can’t figure it out, though, why…

Slowly I sit up, clutching the blankets for comfort. I shake my head, trying to shake the doze and sleep from my mind. Last night unfolds in my memory and I frown. I- I guess… well, it wasn’t the kissing. That wasn’t the problem, I remind myself.

The problem… I’m letting him get to me.

A cold shiver runs down my spine in fear. No. No, no, no, that can’t happen. I bite my lip nervously, watching Alex sleep absently. Fear clouds my mind as my eyes remain on the sleeping figure, softly breathing.

Last time you loved…

Yes, I was hurt. He hurt me, and cheated on me. That jerk.

And before?

Before?

Your family, stupid. You loved your brother.

Don’t talk about him!

He died. You. Saw. Him. Die. You saw his last breath, his eyes still open. His eyes still on you. You were absolutely helpless and you watched the only one you cared for, die right before you. Three feet away, absolutely powerless.

No…

My breath catches and I scramble off the bed, around him and back up until I hit the wall hard behind me, watching him fearfully. I can’t let that happen. I can’t, I can’t love him. I can’t love anything, anyone. Whenever I get close, the moment I’m ready to give in- or once I have… everything falls apart.

But third time’s a charm, right?

Not always. Are you willing to take the risk? Risk yourself, him, everyone? Your heart, even?

My hand falls onto my thudding heart, shaking slightly. I nearly choke on my breath. I want to give in, I realize, stunned. Who knows why, even. This Alex Gaskarth… I bite my lip, watching him sleep.

His mouth hangs open, his limbs everywhere, his hair a mess. As if I’m mesmerized, I step forward and watch him sleep peacefully, unaware of the battle raging inside of me. My mind against my heart. My hand, the one not over my heart, gently tugs strands of hair away from Alex’s face. He lets out a small moan and turns towards me a little, mouthing some words.

I gasp, realizing what I’m doing finally, and step back. I shake my head hard, holding it in between my hands. No, stupid. NO, NO, NO. It’s nothing. Get over it, stupid. I swallow and take a deep breath of air. One, two, three, and I let it out.

I’m fine, I tell myself. It’s nothing. So we happened to kiss, and I let him sleep in my bed. I push back the feelings stiffly and remind myself that things happen. This, this is just nothing… It’s sort of what Derrick and I started out as. Kissing buddies, as he joked. It was nothing more. I keep repeating that to myself as I strip and step into the shower.

That felt so good. The hot water turns off and I wrap myself in the towel before stepping out and-

“Does this make me look fat?” Alex poses, wearing cupid boxers… and my black lace bra. “Hm?” He asks, looking at me as if it’s just a shirt of anything.

My jaw drops open. “Alexander whatever-your-middle-name-is Gaskarth! How dare you!” I yell and lunge towards him.

He shrieks like a girl and laughing like a maniac, runs out. Furious, I run after him, around his bed in his bedroom, around in the music room and then downstairs, around the island in the kitchen, around the couches- and then he runs outside.

I stand at the door, my hand not holding the towel in a tight fist. “Alex! Give it back!”

“But it looks good on me!”

Slowly I manage to take a deep breath, glaring at him. Collecting myself, I manage a tight smirk. “Fine. Why don’t you go show it to your neighbors!” I shout the last few words and slam the door shut, locking it.

Hurriedly- with Georgie racing around with me and yipping- I lock down all the windows and the two other windows before slumping on the couch, emotionally exhausted. I ignore the banging and look at Georgie who seems to be grinning and waggles his tail.

“Oh, shut up,” I grumble and feed him.

Glancing round the kitchen, I find a steaming cup of coffee… my mouth waters and I sniff it. Yum. Just the way I like it. Haltingly I wonder if Alex made it for me… Then I shrug. It’s nothing, I remind myself. I pick up of the mug, and carry it up with me to my room, and start changing for the day, conveniently forgetting about my husband who’s locked outside in frightening undergarments. I wonder if there’s children on the street, hmm…