Just Hate Me and We'll End It Here
Right?
Bailey
I’ve been in my room for a while, lying there. I changed from my gorgeous dress, slipping into some casual sport shorts and a dark tank, one of my usual forms of sleeping clothes, and lay on the bed, feeling too hot to climb under the covers.
Already my mind has run over the evening’s events several and countless times. It gets my heart beating wildly excitedly, my blood rushing, and the butterflies cheerfully flying around inside me. Almost like I could spontaneously combust.
But by now, it’s fallen down to a calmer state. Low, in fact. To where I’ve fallen into shaking and shuddering, whenever I think of us, coming home. Against the wall, on the couch. My hands on him, his hands on me.
No.
NO.
No! No! NO!
I groan, sitting up and hiding my face behind my hands. “What have I done?” I mutter. “I can’t believe this. I can’t believe it. I can’t…” Shaking, I manage to stand on unsteady legs. Twisting my fingers, I start pacing, frustrated with myself.
All over again. It just keeps happening. Why can’t it stop?!
I hit the wall and lean my forehead against the coolness. I close my eyes tightly, wishing that if I just squeeze them hard enough, I’ll know this is all just a dream. That I’m back in my apartment so long ago, living on my own. I don’t need Derek, even. I just… I just need to be alone. With myself.
I punch the wall again, frustrated. I wasn’t supposed to let people in. Can’t let them inside, knowing me. I wasn’t supposed to let it go so far. If you go too far, there is no turning back. I’ll be stuck in the middle, trapped in misery.
He can’t know. Not anything. Me, or my past. I’ve told him way too much as it is. I’ve never told anyone. Well, except a few. Only one friend, and only the police. I never even told the shrinks, the doctors. I never told Derek or anyone like that.
What makes Alexander friggin Gaskarth any different?
You love him.
“No,” I whisper and fall to my knees, my hands pulling at my scalp. “No, no, no,” I moan, my fingers forming into fists. “I can’t let this happen! Why, why why? Stupid Bailey!” I hurriedly start pacing again, wishing it would help.
My thoughts get too big for my bedroom, and I step into the dark hall, pacing. To the end, then back to the stairs. To the end, then back to the stairs. Again, and again and again.
“I’m so stupid,” I curse myself softly. “I’ve never let it go so far before. Even with Derek, we were close but he never knew. He never could have guessed. With Alex, I’ve made so, so many slips, so much truth,” I moan softly, twisting my hands, panicking but not to the point of hyperventilation.
“Stupid, stupid, stupid, Bailey. He knows so much.” My shaking fingers fumble for the horrifying tears that begin to trickle down. “I can’t believe it. I can’t let this go on. I can’t let… let the pain in again. I am so stupid. One of the biggest mistakes I’ve ever made.
“I don’t have a choice. I have to. I can’t do this. There’s no way I could make it out fine and alive. I can’t let him in anymore.”
I pause, my chin wavering. “But I want to so bad,” I marvel at the fact. “Why, though? He’s just another cocky, arrogant brat who has everything. Then me, the girl who has less than nothing, only a nightmare for my past.”
Falling again to my knees, I hold my head in my hands. “No. It has to end. I have to stop. Stop it, Bailey. Alex…he’s nothing special,” my voice breaks. “He’s just another guy. He’s not sweet, or caring. His kisses aren’t everything, his hugs aren’t the best. And the way he looks at me…” my breath catches and it’s like I can’t breathe. “It… it’s nothing special, right?”
I’ve been in my room for a while, lying there. I changed from my gorgeous dress, slipping into some casual sport shorts and a dark tank, one of my usual forms of sleeping clothes, and lay on the bed, feeling too hot to climb under the covers.
Already my mind has run over the evening’s events several and countless times. It gets my heart beating wildly excitedly, my blood rushing, and the butterflies cheerfully flying around inside me. Almost like I could spontaneously combust.
But by now, it’s fallen down to a calmer state. Low, in fact. To where I’ve fallen into shaking and shuddering, whenever I think of us, coming home. Against the wall, on the couch. My hands on him, his hands on me.
No.
NO.
No! No! NO!
I groan, sitting up and hiding my face behind my hands. “What have I done?” I mutter. “I can’t believe this. I can’t believe it. I can’t…” Shaking, I manage to stand on unsteady legs. Twisting my fingers, I start pacing, frustrated with myself.
All over again. It just keeps happening. Why can’t it stop?!
I hit the wall and lean my forehead against the coolness. I close my eyes tightly, wishing that if I just squeeze them hard enough, I’ll know this is all just a dream. That I’m back in my apartment so long ago, living on my own. I don’t need Derek, even. I just… I just need to be alone. With myself.
I punch the wall again, frustrated. I wasn’t supposed to let people in. Can’t let them inside, knowing me. I wasn’t supposed to let it go so far. If you go too far, there is no turning back. I’ll be stuck in the middle, trapped in misery.
He can’t know. Not anything. Me, or my past. I’ve told him way too much as it is. I’ve never told anyone. Well, except a few. Only one friend, and only the police. I never even told the shrinks, the doctors. I never told Derek or anyone like that.
What makes Alexander friggin Gaskarth any different?
You love him.
“No,” I whisper and fall to my knees, my hands pulling at my scalp. “No, no, no,” I moan, my fingers forming into fists. “I can’t let this happen! Why, why why? Stupid Bailey!” I hurriedly start pacing again, wishing it would help.
My thoughts get too big for my bedroom, and I step into the dark hall, pacing. To the end, then back to the stairs. To the end, then back to the stairs. Again, and again and again.
“I’m so stupid,” I curse myself softly. “I’ve never let it go so far before. Even with Derek, we were close but he never knew. He never could have guessed. With Alex, I’ve made so, so many slips, so much truth,” I moan softly, twisting my hands, panicking but not to the point of hyperventilation.
“Stupid, stupid, stupid, Bailey. He knows so much.” My shaking fingers fumble for the horrifying tears that begin to trickle down. “I can’t believe it. I can’t let this go on. I can’t let… let the pain in again. I am so stupid. One of the biggest mistakes I’ve ever made.
“I don’t have a choice. I have to. I can’t do this. There’s no way I could make it out fine and alive. I can’t let him in anymore.”
I pause, my chin wavering. “But I want to so bad,” I marvel at the fact. “Why, though? He’s just another cocky, arrogant brat who has everything. Then me, the girl who has less than nothing, only a nightmare for my past.”
Falling again to my knees, I hold my head in my hands. “No. It has to end. I have to stop. Stop it, Bailey. Alex…he’s nothing special,” my voice breaks. “He’s just another guy. He’s not sweet, or caring. His kisses aren’t everything, his hugs aren’t the best. And the way he looks at me…” my breath catches and it’s like I can’t breathe. “It… it’s nothing special, right?”
♠ ♠ ♠
Fooooor wonderwall;; cause i really dont wanna listen to 'yay me' whenever i breathe...cause i can't hold my breath that long :(and here is the beginning of WHY this night is going on so long.