Just Hate Me and We'll End It Here

Alex

I’ve only been dozing for an hour or so when my eyes open again and I squint in the dim light of the moon coming from my blinds. I lay there for a moment, trying to figure out why I’m awake, or what woke me up. Then I turn on my bedroom lamp, rubbing my eyes.

Silence… then footsteps? I sit there for a moment.

It’s right outside my door.

Carefully I climb off my bed, inching through my messes and lean my ear against the roll. After a few minutes, I realize it’s pacing. But light footsteps, so I think it’s Bailey. Then I realize I can hear her talking to herself faintly- though I can’t make out the words.

Hoping I can help her in someway, I step back to open the door, just as it flings open. Squinting in the light, it reveals Bailey. And while still beautiful, now she looks completely different. Her hair is messed up and tangled. Her clothes look slightly distressed. Then her face… her heart heaves as she breathes heavily. Her make-up from the evening is streaking down her face… from tears?

I furrow my brow, and then I open my mouth to ask what’s the matter. Instead, she ignores it and starts talking in a shaky stubborn voice.

“You just had to!” She cries in a heart breaking torn voice. “Why, Alex, why?!” She heavily leans against the doorpost as one hand runs through her tangled hair in obvious frustration.

“Every day! Every day, it’s been the same. Since the moment we met! It- it was the, the bar,” she stumbles over the words in the haste to spill them all out. “And, and all that night. Then when we woke up! And then when you went with me to the mall! You stupid man, you just had to come after me, like no one else would! You never listened, but you did everything right.

“Every day, Alex! I swear, one day after another. I did all I could, not to do anything. To not talk, to not smile at you or laugh at your jokes. To- to never look at you! I’ve never failed so miserably in my life!” She cries, throwing her hands up in the air. “And it’s all your fault!” Then she’s on her knees, her hands hiding her face.

Hastily I bend over, putting my hand on her neck, my fingers trying to go through her hair, and soothe her. She’s never acted like this before, and it makes me nervous, trying to figure out what is wrong now. “Bailey,” I say soothingly. “It’s okay, Bay. Nothing’s wrong. I’m sorry, okay? For whatever I did wrong, I swear,” I whisper in her ear.

“That’s just it,” she moans, pushing me away from her. “That’s just it, Alex! Everything is it!

“You’re sweet, you’re caring. You let me go off on rants when I feel the need to, and then you’re there to pick up all the pieces. To put me back together just because you know you can. You know how to hug me when I need it, how tight I need to be held. You know how to return every kiss just the way I’m hungering for it.” She muffles a sob with her palms over her mouth, shaking her head as tears start falling again.

“Then what’s wrong?” I implore, trying to figure this beautiful creature out. “Bailey, please, talk to me. I don’t understand. If I’m doing things right, what is wrong? I’m here for you, Bailey, every minute. I promise.”

“No!” She snaps at me. “Don’t say that! Please, say anything but that! I hate it! I hate you, Alex!”

I step back, swallowing, searching her eyes. She takes a shuddering breath but won’t look at me. “No you don’t, Bailey. We both know what. Please tell me why, Bailey. Why are you saying this? I know you feel what we have together, Bay. Why are you trying to wreck it?”

“Cause I have to!”

“You have to?” I furrow my brow. “Why, Bailey?”

“C-cause!” She gulps back a sob but it doesn’t help much. “I can’t do this! The only people I ever loved, they all left me! They hurt me and they left with nothing. Nothing! I can’t take this!

“I’ve tried so hard, okay? I was mean- I was rude. I tried ignoring you. I slapped you, too! I did everything I could think of, to push you away. Everything.

“But no! You just couldn’t take it, huh, Alex? You had to keep coming. You- you just had to!” She jabs me on the chest forcefully, hurtfully. “And I can’t take that!”

“What, that I’m nice to you?”

“Yes, exactly! What do you think I’ve been saying, you prick? I can’t do this!” She chokes on a sob and nearly falls into my arms. I grab her arm, trying to help her out, but unsteadily she yanks her arm from me and leans awkwardly against my dresser, pointing a finger at me. “You just had to be perfect, huh, Alex? Why?”

I shake my head. “I still don’t understand, Bailey.”

“Of course not! How many times do I have to say it?” She says somewhat shrilly, running her hand through her hair. “You were always around for me. You’re so darn friggin’ perfect, Alex. But I can’t take that. I can’t let you in.”

“Why?” I ask, a knife turning in my heart. “Bay… we have something. Why can’t you just give in, Bay?”

“Because I’m scared!” She chokes, and takes a deep breath. “Happy, Alex? I said it! I’m scared to do anything, to be close to anyone…” she shakes her head. “Why, Alex? Why did you have to keep coming around?” She implores me. “I just- all I tried, was for you to hate me. You could have- you should have! You should have hated me, and I could walk away just fine.” Her chin quivers. “Why, Alex? Why couldn’t you just hate me already?”