Just Hate Me and We'll End It Here

Bailey

Alex, amazed, shakes his head, speechless for the moment. “I’m sorry,” he finally whispers. “But… you can’t choose love, Bailey. It chooses you.” He looks me in the eye, leaning in a little bit that completely terrifies me. “I couldn’t ever hate you, Bailey. I swear.”

I gulp and shrink back from him, shaking my head. “No.” I stand and hit him on the chest. “No, don’t say that! Don’t you dare say that!” I accentuate the words with more punches thrown in anger, frustration and hopelessness. My heart beats out of control, but I want it to stop so badly. I want everything to stop, right now, forever. “I hate you!” I try to say it loudly, but my voice breaks. “You were supposed to hate me! You were supposed to-to push me a-away! Instead- Instead of-” but I can’t find the words so I just punch him again.

Stupid Alex just stands there, taking it all in. Why can’t he react? Why can’t he get angry? If he just said one mean thing, I could make myself walk away, leave forever. Start afresh far, far away. But I can’t, I can’t, cause he’s making it so impossible.

“Instead of what?” Alex whispers as I lean my fists against his bare chest, heaving to catch my breath. I flinch at his smooth voice, rolling by my ears. “Instead of this?” He asks, and slowly he wraps his arms around, making me lean into his chest.

I swallow hard, trying not to choke up or anything. I can feel my body shaking from my nerve system going crazy, and in fear. My chin quivers, so I try to push away, keeping my head turned from him and my hair in front of my face so he can’t see me.

But Alex won’t let go. Instead, he pulls me in closer, tighter than before. Then he uses a hand to brush my hair from my face. I flinch at his touch but he doesn’t stop. His eyes stare into mine and I can’t make myself react, or move. I want to be here right now, but I also want to be gone, running so far away. After a moment though, I manage to close my eyes, slightly directing my face from his.

“Bailey…” he breathes. One hand comes to rest on my cheek. I scrunch my eyes tighter, biting my lip hard, trying not to react, trying to stop the tears, trying not to notice all the butterflies flying around in my stomach, trying not to notice my elated heart beat or the happy shivers coursing through me.

“It’s okay, Bailey,” he continues softly. “It’s okay to fall in love.”

“No it’s not,” I manage through a tight throat. “It’s not.” I grab one of my fists and quickly push it over my mouth, trying to choke back the sobs that want to erupt, and I shake my head again.

That’s when Alex picks me up and puts me on his lap as he sits on the edge of his bed. I try uselessly to inch away, but he keeps his arms around me as I keep my mouth closed, as well as my eyes. He just sits there, and I can feel his eyes watching me, as one of his hands starts rubbing my back in soothing motions.

“I couldn’t ever hate you,” he whispers softly so I barely hear him in the dim light.

My eyes flutter open, somewhat surprised he’s speaking, and confused still at his comment. Swallowing hard since I’m finally handling to control my emotions, I manage to glance at him quickly.

“Why?” I murmur hoarsely. “It’s not that hard.”

He chuckles, pulling some hair that’s pasted itself to my cheek. “It’s the hardest thing in the world, darling. You just don’t see yourself the way I see you. But if you did… you’d never question it.

“Okay, so you have mood swings. You like me then you hate me,” he gives a small shrug, making me lean against him. “But that’s what make the moments when you like me, so so much better, Bay. I’m not saying I like it when you hate me- and most of the time I don’t really know why you do- but it’s up to you. It’s always up to you.

“I just wanted to be there for you, Bailey. I can see the glimpses in your eyes, the times when you’re hurting. Darling, that makes me want to help you so bad, sometimes it feels like I would die if I can’t help you.”

“You can’t,” I manage in a cracked voice. “No one can.”

“You don’t know that,” he points out to me. “You’ve never tried.” He pauses and lets out a sigh. “You know, whenever I see you, it… it just amazes me, darling. You’re beautiful inside and out, though you don’t seem to see it. You’re caring and sweet, you’re funny. You try your hardest in everything you do. You never seem to fail.”

“I just did,” I point out.

He chuckles and kisses my temple that’s closest to him. “Yeah, but that’s only because I’m stubborn, too. Maybe not as much as you, but enough. Bailey, no one’s like you, and that you’re around me, just makes me feel like I’m the luckiest man alive. You’ve got this big patched up heart that I want a piece of, because you’re just incredible. And when I see you dancing, when I get to dance with you- it’s like just the two of us, alive in the universe, darling.”

We’re quiet for a few minutes and then he sighs. “Why, though, Bailey? I don’t understand. Why is it so hard, for you to give in to love?”