Stay Still
That Little Plus Sign
“Well?” Matt asked when I came out of the bathroom.
“I don’t know yet. It says on the box that it takes 15 minutes.” I replied, going over and sitting next to him. “I’m scared.” I whispered.
He took my hand. “Everything will be fine. I promise.”
“How can you promise something like that?” I asked.
“Because I know it’s true. I’m here for you, whatever happens.”
“What are we gonna do if it’s positive?”
“I don’t know. That’s completely up to you. There’s abortion. We could give it up for adoption or we could keep it. Whatever you want to do, I’m behind you 100%.”
“I don’t want an abortion. It would feel like murder.” I said.
“I agree. Would you want to give it up?” he asked quietly.
I thought for a few minutes. “I don’t know.” I finally replied.
“Well, let’s just see what it says and then we’ll take care of the rest. Maybe it’s negative…” he said. I got up and went into the bathroom, Matt close behind me. The strip was laying on the side of the sink, I went over to it and looked down….
I stood there, staring at the tiny little plus sign in the display window, unable to speak, feeling as if my whole world had just came crashing down on my head. I felt like I was being sucked into a deep dark pit where nothing else existed but this little plus sign. And then Matt came up behind me and put his arms around me, bringing some of the light back. I leaned back against him, remembering that I wasn’t alone. I still felt like my life, as I knew it, was over, but at least I didn’t have to go through it alone.
I turned to face Matt, “Now what?” I asked.
“Now we talk.” he said, taking my hand and leading me back into my room. He sat down on my bed and I sat next to him.
“Do you really want a baby?” he asked after a few minutes of silence.
I didn’t reply right away. Matt and I were only 18. I really wasn’t ready to have a kid and neither was he, but I was pregnant and there was nothing we could do to change that. We couldn’t go back in time and stop ourselves from sleeping together. And since I was pregnant what I really needed to ask myself was could I honestly be happy having Matt’s baby when what I really wanted was Eric?
Matt seemed to know what I was thinking, “Or should I say, do you really want my baby?”
“Matt, come on. You know I love you.” I said quietly.
“Yeah, but it’s not that kind of love, is it?” he asked solemnly.
I shook my head slowly. “No, but it’s still love. Isn’t that enough?”
“No, it’s not. Not when you’re pregnant with my baby. Rachel, I know how you feel about Eric. But he’s with someone else. You need to forget about him and focus on what’s happening here.”
“I can’t just forget about him Matt. I’m in love with him. And I so badly want to tell him. I tried to that night but he wouldn’t listen. I can’t just sit back and watch him with that skank. I just can’t. I won’t watch him get hurt again. I…”
“Stop.” Matt said, interrupting me. “Just stop and think about what you’re saying. You’re in love with Eric and you want to tell him. Suppose you do tell him, then what? You gonna tell him you’re pregnant with my baby as well? Yeah, that will go over well. ‘Eric, I love you, oh and I’m having your best friend’s kid.” He looked at me, one eyebrow raised.
“I know. I guess I need to get over the fact that it’s not going to happen. But how? How the hell am I supposed to do that? I can’t just snap my fingers and be over him just like that.” I said.
“Rachel, do you want to keep this baby or not?”
“I don’t know!” I yelled, getting up and starting to pace around the room.
“Well, I need to go get Mike and meet Jared. Think about it and I’ll come back later.”
“Fine. Acacia’s coming over and we’re going to look at dresses online. We should be done around the same time as you.”
“Kay.” He got up and walked to me. Putting his arms around me once again, he whispered in my ear, “I could make you so happy. I’d take care of you.” He stepped back then. “Just think about it.”
I nodded as he kissed my forehead and then walked out of the room. I went to the window and watched him walk to his car. When he drove away I went over to my bed, threw myself onto it and screamed as loud as I could into my pillow.
“I don’t know yet. It says on the box that it takes 15 minutes.” I replied, going over and sitting next to him. “I’m scared.” I whispered.
He took my hand. “Everything will be fine. I promise.”
“How can you promise something like that?” I asked.
“Because I know it’s true. I’m here for you, whatever happens.”
“What are we gonna do if it’s positive?”
“I don’t know. That’s completely up to you. There’s abortion. We could give it up for adoption or we could keep it. Whatever you want to do, I’m behind you 100%.”
“I don’t want an abortion. It would feel like murder.” I said.
“I agree. Would you want to give it up?” he asked quietly.
I thought for a few minutes. “I don’t know.” I finally replied.
“Well, let’s just see what it says and then we’ll take care of the rest. Maybe it’s negative…” he said. I got up and went into the bathroom, Matt close behind me. The strip was laying on the side of the sink, I went over to it and looked down….
I stood there, staring at the tiny little plus sign in the display window, unable to speak, feeling as if my whole world had just came crashing down on my head. I felt like I was being sucked into a deep dark pit where nothing else existed but this little plus sign. And then Matt came up behind me and put his arms around me, bringing some of the light back. I leaned back against him, remembering that I wasn’t alone. I still felt like my life, as I knew it, was over, but at least I didn’t have to go through it alone.
I turned to face Matt, “Now what?” I asked.
“Now we talk.” he said, taking my hand and leading me back into my room. He sat down on my bed and I sat next to him.
“Do you really want a baby?” he asked after a few minutes of silence.
I didn’t reply right away. Matt and I were only 18. I really wasn’t ready to have a kid and neither was he, but I was pregnant and there was nothing we could do to change that. We couldn’t go back in time and stop ourselves from sleeping together. And since I was pregnant what I really needed to ask myself was could I honestly be happy having Matt’s baby when what I really wanted was Eric?
Matt seemed to know what I was thinking, “Or should I say, do you really want my baby?”
“Matt, come on. You know I love you.” I said quietly.
“Yeah, but it’s not that kind of love, is it?” he asked solemnly.
I shook my head slowly. “No, but it’s still love. Isn’t that enough?”
“No, it’s not. Not when you’re pregnant with my baby. Rachel, I know how you feel about Eric. But he’s with someone else. You need to forget about him and focus on what’s happening here.”
“I can’t just forget about him Matt. I’m in love with him. And I so badly want to tell him. I tried to that night but he wouldn’t listen. I can’t just sit back and watch him with that skank. I just can’t. I won’t watch him get hurt again. I…”
“Stop.” Matt said, interrupting me. “Just stop and think about what you’re saying. You’re in love with Eric and you want to tell him. Suppose you do tell him, then what? You gonna tell him you’re pregnant with my baby as well? Yeah, that will go over well. ‘Eric, I love you, oh and I’m having your best friend’s kid.” He looked at me, one eyebrow raised.
“I know. I guess I need to get over the fact that it’s not going to happen. But how? How the hell am I supposed to do that? I can’t just snap my fingers and be over him just like that.” I said.
“Rachel, do you want to keep this baby or not?”
“I don’t know!” I yelled, getting up and starting to pace around the room.
“Well, I need to go get Mike and meet Jared. Think about it and I’ll come back later.”
“Fine. Acacia’s coming over and we’re going to look at dresses online. We should be done around the same time as you.”
“Kay.” He got up and walked to me. Putting his arms around me once again, he whispered in my ear, “I could make you so happy. I’d take care of you.” He stepped back then. “Just think about it.”
I nodded as he kissed my forehead and then walked out of the room. I went to the window and watched him walk to his car. When he drove away I went over to my bed, threw myself onto it and screamed as loud as I could into my pillow.