Stay Still

I woke up the next morning with the worst hangover I'd ever experienced. I couldn't move. I rolled over onto my side and groaned out loud. My head felt like it was going to split open. I couldn't even remember drinking that much last night. The last thing I remembered was Mike sitting me on Matt's couch and holding me while I cried into his shoulder.

Holding my head, I tried to sit up. I didn't even know where I was. This was the number one reason why I didn't drink that much. I looked around me and realized I was in Matt's bedroom. I looked at the clock. It was two o'clock in the afternoon. I laid back down and waited for my head to stop spinning. I needed about fifty Advil.

A little while later Matt came in with a tall glass of water and a bottle of pills in his hands. "Hey, you're up." He said happily as he sat next to me on the bed.

I squinted at him. "Hi." I croaked. My throat felt raw.

"Here, take these and drink this." He said, handing me four pills and the water. I swallowed the pills quickly and gulped the water. After finishing the whole thing I handed the glass back to him. He set it on the table and brushed the hair out of my face. "You look like shit." He said, smiling at me.

"Thanks so much." I answered sarcastically. "I feel like shit." I whispered, thinking of Eric. I felt a little stab of pain in my heart as I thought his name. I still couldn't believe he had done this to me. What was he thinking? I needed to talk to him but I wasn't sure I could see him without clawing his freaking eye balls out.

"Well, not to make you feel worse but Eric is downstairs. He wants to talk to you. He also looks like shit." Matt said.

"Good. He should." I replied angrily. Last night I had been hurt and sad but today I was just mad. More mad then I'd ever been in my entire life, even when I had been pregnant.

"I agree. In fact I'd like nothing more than to make him feel even worse but I don't think that would help anything. Besides, Mike is already down there, giving him the third degree. He punched him in the face too." Matt chuckled. "I gotta say, I was pretty proud."

I moaned and buried my face in the pillow. "Why is everything so messed up? Why can't we all just go back to normal?"

My questions had been rhetorical but Matt answered me anyway. "Because we love you and life sucks."

I looked at him as I thought about what he just said. "Yeah, I guess you're right." I said as I got up and went to take a hot shower.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized just how right he really was. I was the reason their friendship was so messed up. Not even just Matt and Eric but even Mike. It was because they loved me that we were all in this mess. So what if I just took myself out of the equation? What if I let them get on with their lives without having to worry about me? Would it be good for them or would it just hurt them?

I thought about what Matt could do if I was gone. He might be able to find someone else, someone who could love him the way he deserved. Maybe if I wasn't around he would be able to move on.

Eric, on the other hand, could go fuck himself for all I cared. He obviously didn't care about me, so why should I care what happened to him? I was willing to go hear him out first but I was pretty sure I knew what I was going to do.

**************************************************************************************************

After getting dressed in a spare pair of clothes I'd left at Matt's before I got pregnant, I went downstairs to get something to eat. I walked past the living room where Eric, Matt, and Mike were arguing. I sighed to myself, becoming even more resolute in my decision. I didn't want them fighting anymore. I got a bowl and a spoon out and found an unopened box of my favorite cereal in the cabinet. Matt always stocked up on my favorite stuff. I smiled to myself as I pulled it down and poured some in the bowl. I was going to miss this.

"Rachel?" I heard Matt call. I didn't answer him, knowing they would just come find me.

Sure enough, the three of them came walking in the kitchen just two minutes later. Eric stood behind Matt and Mike, his head down. I sat at the table and ate my cereal as I watched them. Mike came and sat next to me protectively and Matt leaned against the counter across the room, trying to blend in with his surroundings. Eric just stood there staring at the floor.

"Well?" Mike prompted, getting impatient.

"Can you guys please leave? I'd rather do this alone." Eric mumbled.

Mike seemed to think about it for a minute. "It's fine guys." I said finally. "You can go."

"Are you sure?" Matt asked me. I nodded, smiling at him. "Alright fine. C'mon Mike." He said, walking out of the room.

"But..."

"Mike!" Matt yelled.

"Fine." Mike got up and followed after Matt solemnly. He probably wanted to stick around for the fight.

Eric sat down across from me, still not meeting my eyes. He folded his hands in front of him. I continued eating my cereal, watching him, waiting for him to say something. I finished before he worked up the nerve, so I got up and washed my bowl before sitting back down. I cleared my throat and finally he looked up at me. Matt was right, he did look horrible. His eyes were red and his nose was all puffy. I felt no sympathy though. It was his own fault. I raised my eyebrows at him, still waiting.

"I'm so sorry." He whispered.

"Sorry for what?" I asked. "That you made out with some slut or that you got caught?" I looked at him piercingly.

He frowned, "Both." was his answer.

"Alright. Apology accepted." I leaned back in the chair and folded my arms across my chest. "So now come the excuses I'm guessing?" He just looked at me. "Go on." I prompted.

"I know that there really aren't any excuses for what I did. It was the dumbest thing I've ever done. I was drunk though and angry. God, I was so angry." He put his head in his hands.

"About what?"

"You. Matt. Madi. The whole thing. I've been trying to be understanding and supportive but I just can't do it anymore. I want you all to myself. I don't want to have to share you with him. It's not fair."

"And so your solution to this was to go find the horniest girl you could?" I was astonished.

"No. Maybe. I don't know. But I had to do something and I was so fucked up I could think straight." He got up and came around the table to kneel in front of me. "I am so sorry Rachel. Please, you have to believe me. I love you. I never meant to hurt you." He took my hands in his and kissed them. "Let's go somewhere. Just the two of us. Get away from all this crap for a while." He pleaded.

"I'm sorry Eric. I can't." I answered sadly. I had already made up my mind and I was sticking to it. He was right, it wasn't fair. It wasn't fair for me to keep him holding on while I did whatever I wanted. I needed to let him go. For him and for me.

"Fine. We don't have to go anywhere. Just please tell me you forgive me. We can make this better. I know it. We belong together. We can make it work." He was basically begging me now. I almost succumbed but this was exactly what I didn't want. He was right. I needed to get away for a while.

"No Eric. I mean, I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry."

"Are you breaking up with me?" He stood up, shocked.

"Yes." And with that I got up and ran out of Matt's house, leaving Eric and all of my problems behind.