Falling Dumb Into Desire

Staring down at the papers before her, my mom studied them for a good two minutes with a sad frown adorning her pretty face. Flipping through every single paper and making sure to read the fine print, her green eyes darkened slightly when she had come to the full realization that I was really serious about taking custody of my brother.

Finally getting to the very last paper where she was to sign, she grabbed a pen and toyed with it before looking up to me.

"Are you sure you're going to be able to take care of him?" She whispered. "It's a lot, Madison. He's a sophomore in high school, he's still going through his adolescent changes. He's going to hit the point where he's going to start rebelling and resenting you. It's tough, sweetheart."

"I'd rather take my chances with that, rather than letting him stay here." I whispered back. "I know it's going to be hard, but honestly, nothing can be harder than seeing him afraid and terrified all the time."

My mom opened her mouth to say something else, but she seemed to think better of it. Closing it instead, she popped the lid off of her pen and quickly signed and dated the paperwork. She shoved the papers back toward me in a hurry as if she were afraid that she would take them and tear them up if she had to look at them any longer.

I silently gathered the papers and straightened them out before turning my gaze back to my mom. With silent tears running down her smooth cheeks, she fiddled with the lid of her pen, putting it on with a quick snap and then removing it a split second later. She repeated this process while her eyes looked elsewhere into the distance.

"Mama," I whispered, "I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault, Madison." She said, shaking her head. "You have nothing to be sorry for. If anyone has to apologize, it's me. I should have taken you kids and left the very first time your father started acting up. But ... I love him, Madison. I know that you think it's stupid, but ... " She trailed off, shrugging her shoulders.

"Mom, you have more sense than to stick around and subject yourself to this." I pointed out.

"Madison, it's ... it's hard to explain." She mumbled. "Try to picture yourself in my shoes. Say, if Kennedy were abusive from time to time, and sure, you guys would fight every now and then ... the times when you're not fighting ... he makes you feel so special and when he looks at you its as if you're the only one he sees. He adores you and when you look at him, you know that he loves you with all his heart and no matter what he says or does you will always be his everything. When he holds you in his arms it makes all the pain you've ever felt worth it."

With tears of my own now falling, I shook my head stubbornly. "That's not good enough." I said.

Sadly, my mom shrugged her shoulders slowly. "I don't know how to love anyone else, Madison. Where else would I go?"

"Find a new man to love." I mumbled.

My mom smiled bitterly at my response. "That's easy for you to say, Madison, because you don’t realize how hard it is to leave the one you love." She said. "Could you honestly look me in the eye and tell me that after loving Kennedy, you can simply leave him so easily?"

I hesitated as I thought about how much I loved Kennedy, loved him so much that it hurt to think about sometimes. If I were to lose him, or have to say goodbye to him ... I'd be devastated. Seeing how long it took for my response, my mom smiled weakly before she reached over and squeezed my hand tightly.

"Your dad will be released tomorrow afternoon." She told me quietly.

"He's coming back here?" I asked.

My mom nodded her head and then licked her lips slowly. "Madison, I have to tell you something."

I brought my mom's hand up to my lips and kissed it gently. "Tell me anything, mama." I whispered.

"Your dad knows where you live." She said quietly. "The night that he," she paused, shrugging her shoulders again, " ... he found your address in my phone and went over there to look for you."

Knowing this new bit of information, my eyes widened in fear. "I have to move." I choked out. "I can't keep staying there, if he knows that I live there."

"Where are you going to go?"

I bit my lip as I thought to myself. Holding tightly to the papers in my hand, I contemplated each and every single option, but none of them seemed like they would work. When one option sounded good, I reevaluated it and found little minute flaws in each one. Tossing possibility after possibility out, I shook my head. At such a demanding point in my life, my mind was absolutely blank with no ideas as to what I would do now.

Just when I thought that there was nothing I could do, I realized that there was one last option. Like all of the other options, however, it came at a cost.

"Madison?"

"Tell Jesse to start packing his things." I instructed. "I'll be back in a few hours."

"Madison?" My mom repeated, but I didn't stop and listen to what she had to say.

Making my way from the dining room and to the front door, I couldn’t help but wonder if I was making the right choice here. But ... right or not, it was the only thing I could think to do.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Sighing tiredly, I made my way through the familiar hallways and then pulled out my keys so I could quickly make work of the locks on my door when I approached it. The locks easily bid to my wishes, and after I got inside I breathed in the warm air, letting it fill my lungs and replace the cold air I had been breathing in just moments before.

I sighed once again, this time happy to be home and then set my things on the small table beside the door. Taking off my winter jacket, I hung it up in the closet before I kicked my shoes off and searched the apartment for my girlfriend.

"Madison?" I called out. "Sweetheart, where are you?"

"The bedroom." She replied.

Smiling to myself, I hurried to our bedroom at the end of the hallway and slowly pushed open the door. Sitting on the foot of the bed was my girlfriend of the last year and a half, with her knees pulled up to her chest as she waited for me.

"Hey sweetheart," I whispered gently.

In two swift steps I was standing in front of her, gazing down into her hazel eyes. Taking her hands in mine, my smile grew wider for no real reason, except for the fact that I loved her more than I ever thought possible. Bringing her hands up, I kissed each of them in turn and then squeezed them tightly.

When she sighed quietly and lowered her eyes to the ground, the smile faded from my lips and an uneasy feeling jolted through my stomach.

"Maddi, what's wrong?" I asked nervously.

In response to my question, Madison turned her head to the side slightly and I followed her gaze. Sitting beside the bed was a large duffle bag, with a backpack sitting on top of it.

"Oh ... are you visiting some family for a little while?" I questioned slowly.

"No." She whispered, her words barely audible.

"Oh," I mumbled, "well ... what's with the bags?" I asked, though I wasn't sure as to whether or not I wanted to hear the answer.

Madison licked her lips slowly and then looked at the sight of our hands clasped tightly together. "My dad will be released tomorrow." She told me.

"Oh ... okay." Still not knowing what was going on, I tilted my head to the side and then released one of her hands, using my free hand to cup her chin and gently force her to look up at me.

"My dad knows where we live." She said. "I have to move, Kennedy."

"Move?" I asked. "Why move?"

"I got custody of Jesse." She whispered. "My mom signed the papers this morning."

"Yeah?" I asked with a nervous smile. "That's good." I said, nodding my head. "But ... move? Why move?"

"Because!" She wailed suddenly, "my dad knows where I live!"

"Okay, okay." I mumbled, caressing her cheek. "We'll move then. We'll find a bigger place so that Jesse can have more privacy. Maybe we can even find a place closer to the high school."

I would have continued, but Madison shook her head as a small tear fell from her eye.

"No?"

"No." She confirmed.

"But ... "

I trailed off when I realized the truth that she wasn't willing to tell utter aloud. She was going to move, not we. She was trying to tell me that she was moving away. Away from Tempe, away from the place we had grown up. She was trying to tell me that she wasn't going to let me go with her.

As the realization struck me, I felt my breath catch in my throat as my heart leapt into my airway. Staring at Madison with wide eyes, I silently questioned her if my suspicions were true. Returning a sad, regretful look, she confirmed that I was right.

"Madison," I whispered, "no, don't go." I begged.

"I have to Kennedy." She whispered back. "Jesse and I can't stay here while my dad is out. You know that I'm scared to death of the man."

"But ... what makes you think that he'll come after you and Jesse?" I asked. "What makes you think you won't be safe here, even if he knows where you live?"

"He come over here after he beat up my mom and Jesse." She whispered. "If we hadn't been in Tahoe ... " She trailed off, shaking her head. "I have to go, Kennedy. I can't stay here in Tempe. Jesse and I need to get out and make a new start somewhere else."

"I'm going with you." I blurted out. "I'm not letting you leave Tempe by yourself."

For the first time since I had entered the room, Madison smiled and stood up. Though the smile was weak and apologetic, it still made my heart flutter at the sight of it.

"I love you, Kennedy Brock." She said. "I'll always love you."

"Madison, please." I begged weakly as my emotions started to get the best of me. "I'm going with you." I repeated, though I knew that she wasn't going to let me go with her; I guess I thought that if I said it over and over, she'd finally give in. I knew better that to believe it, though, because once Madison has made up her mind, there's no changing it.

"I'm not going to be gone forever." She cried softly. "I'll come back, I promise."

Taking her into my arms, I hugged her tightly. "Don't go." I whispered as I rocked us gently on the spot. "I love you, please don't leave me here."

"Its not forever." She repeated. "I swear I'll be back."

"Oh God, Madison." I sniffed; I was determined not to fully break down emotionally in front of her.

Madison tightened her arms around me and then lowered them, pulling away from me slightly to look into my eyes. Seeing her tear stained face, I reached up and quickly dried the culprit tears.

"Will you wait for me, Kennedy Brock?" She whispered.

"Of course." I whispered back. "I promise, I'll wait for you for however long you'll want me to."

Studying my eyes for a few seconds, she stood on the tips of her toes and reached up, kissing my lips lovingly. Knowing that this was the last kiss we would share for goodness knows how long, I held her tightly and took my time with the kiss. Before I was ready, Madison broke the kiss and pulled away from me altogether.

Gathering her things, she looked over her shoulder one last time to me. "Goodbye, Kennedy." She whispered. "I love you."

"Love you." I choked out, and with that, Madison disappeared through the door. A few seconds later I heard the front door open and then close, indicating that I was now alone in this entire apartment.

Standing there in shock, I looked around the room and found that all of Madison's personal items were gone, and all that remained were my things. My breathing increasing rapidly, I sank down onto the bed where Madison had once sat and then let the tears fall freely.

When Madison and I had first started dating I wasn't expecting it to last throughout the summer. I wasn't expecting us to get our first apartment together. I wasn't expecting to give her a promise ring. And I sure as hell wasn't expecting to fall in love with her.

Reaching into my pocket, I pulled out my cell phone and quickly dialed Madison's cell phone. Holding it to my ear, it rang a couple of times before she answered.

"Marry me, Madison O'Callaghan." I said.

"Kennedy, I - "

"When you come back to Tempe, marry me." I said, cutting her off. "I love you, Madison and I already know that you're the only girl I want to spend the rest of my life with."

"I ... I don't know, Kennedy." She whispered weakly.

"You asked me to wait for you, Madison," I said softly, "if you weren't sure that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me too, why would you ask that of me?"

"Oh, Kennedy," she said, her voice shaky and filled with so many different emotions. "I love you."

"Marry me." I repeated.

Madison was silent for a second or two before she replied, "yes. Yes, I'll marry you Kennedy."

Though it wasn't as if she had said that she was going to turn around and come home on the spot, it felt as if a giant weight was lifted off of my shoulders. Breathing a sigh of relief, I smiled softly. "When you come back to Tempe, there'll be a ring waiting for you."

"Promise?"

"I promise." I laughed softly. "I love you."

"I love you too, Kennedy Brock." She whispered. "I'll call you tomorrow night, okay?"

"Alright." I replied quietly. "Drive safe."

"I will." She insisted. "Goodbye Kennedy."

I uttered a soft goodbye and then ended the call before shoving my cell phone back into my pocket. Breathing in deeply, I let it out in a soft, love sick sigh. No matter the distance between Madison and I, she'll always have that power over me; I'll always be the love sick sap that my family and friends accused me of being.

Madison Jay O'Callaghan will always be the girl with my heart clutched tightly in the palm of her hand.