All I Want Is You

Things didn’t get any better after our parents left. I now became even more terrified when Jackson left, because that meant it was just Chloe and I. Every minute alone with her left me feeling even more inadequate. I wanted to feel confident, I wanted to stop feeling this fear every time she cried, every time
I held her, but it wouldn’t go away. I loved Chloe so much, and I managed to put on a good show when others were around, but when it was just her and I, my mirage would crack.

These feelings confused me so much. I wanted so badly to just feel joy when I held her, but when I did, all I felt was despair and panic, fear and inadequacy.
And that was why I couldn’t tell anyone how I felt, not even Jackson. Because this was supposed to be the happiest time of my life. If I told anyone, surely they would think I didn’t love my daughter, and that wasn’t the case at all. I loved her so much that it hurt me to see her cry all the time, to not be able to comfort her, to not be able to make it stop. The paediatrician had assured us she was in no pain, that the colic would pass by the time she was 3 months old, but I still couldn’t take this.

Here it was, three in the morning, and I was still awake. A normal new mother would be sleeping right now, taking advantage of the fact that her colicky baby was actually asleep. But I couldn’t sleep, instead all these thoughts were running through my head. I hardly slept now, hardly ate. I felt like a zombie, but I tried to act like a normal person should, especially in front of Jackson.

I tried to concentrate on his soft snores, and the way his arm protectively draped over my hip, holding me tightly against him. I knew he loved me, and I knew I should tell him how I felt, but I couldn’t bring myself to do that. Was this a weakness, whatever this was? I had told myself days ago that it would go away on its own.

Until then, I would wait this out, continuing on like I was.

I heard Chloe softly whimpering in the bassinet beside the bed. I glanced at the clock and realized it was feeding time. I scooped her out of the bassinet before her increasing cries could wake Jackson. Her cries decreased slightly as I held her against my shoulder and walked to the sofa. I pulled the blanket off the back of the sofa and wrapped it around both of us. As Chloe began drinking, my mind wandered.
Shouldn't I feeling more love for her, as we shared such an intimate moment? Shouldn't breastfeeding make our bond stronger? Was I doing everything wrong?

“I'm so sorry.” I whispered to the tiny baby. She ignored me, continuing her suckling. “I wish I was better at this.” I continued. “I'm really trying, I'm sorry I can't be better. I'm sorry i can't make you stop crying.”

Chloe blinked her now bright green eyes and gazed up at me. I couldn't help but smile. She waved her tiny hands in the air and stopped drinking. I smiled down at her, but soon her serene look crumpled and she began her wailing cries. I knew these cries, this was the cry that wouldn't stop. I felt the familiar panic creep through me as I stood up and began to pace, trying to comfort the uncomfortable baby.

I tried holding her against my chest, then tried cradling her in my arms. It didn't work. I tried soothing voices and humming a lullaby, but it didn't work. I could feel the tears pricking at the edge of my eyes.

“Lizzie?” I heard Jackson whisper loudly over Chloe's wails.

I turned to him, tears flowing freely down my face. He looked at me strangely, glancing briefly at Chloe.
“Lizzie, what's wrong?” he asked, walking toward me slowly.

“I'm a horrible mother.” I choked, tears flowing freely now.

“Lizzie, what do you mean?” he asked, moving closer to me.

“There's something wrong with me.” I whispered.

“Lizzie, babe, what do you mean?” He kept getting closer, trying to comfort me, but carefully eyeing Chloe, who was still crying.

“I can't stop crying, and I can't stop her from crying. I have to be doing something wrong! I should be happy Jackson! But I just feel sad all the time!” I was sobbing uncontrollably, and I wordlessly handed him the baby.

“Lizzie, this isn't your fault. Lots of babies get colic. You're doing amazing.” He said, placing Chloe against his chest. “Doctor Robin said the colic should be over soon.”

“That's not the whole problem!” I sobbed. “I just haven't felt right since I brought her home. And it kills me Jackson. Because I love her so much, but I can't get rid of this panic, this fear that everything I'm doing is wrong! And I didn't want to tell anyone, because I feel like I'm failing. I should be able to do this! I should be happy.” I was almost yelling now, tears still flowing.

“Lizzie, everything is going to be fine. Your doing fine. I'm here for you, you should never feel like you have to hide anything from me. Were going to get you through this.``

I wiped my eyes and tried to smile for him. I felt a sense of relief as I realized that everything would be okay. Jackson would make this okay.