A Softer World

My body shook uncontrollably as I sat on the couch in my living room. I was glad that both my parent’s were gone for the whole day. I’m sure they would start asking questions if they saw me like this. I was crying so hard, I was sure that every breath I was taking in was using every last bit of energy I had. I sat in the silence; my wet hair was now tied in a messy bun on the top of my head. I had changed from my wet clothes into a pair of plaid pyjama pants and a Misfits t-shirt, I was pretty sure it was one of Gerard’s. I felt disappointed when I couldn’t smell him on it.

I grabbed the blanket that was on the end of the couch and wrapped it around me. Tears were still streaming down my face as I pulled the blanket closer. It felt as if I would never be warm again, but I could also feel my body sweating. My hands felt clammy and my head was spinning. Sudden realization had hit me. I hadn’t had any crank floating through my body since yesterday afternoon.

I got up from the couch, my legs wobbling from the sudden weight I had put on them. I dragged my body up the stairs and entered my room. I knew I had finished the stash that was hidden in my dresser drawers. I started to panic. I had to have some crank somewhere. I remembered my overnight bag that I had at Gerard’s, there had to be some in there.

I was just about to start digging through it, when the doorbell rang. I heaved my body from the ground and stumbled to the doorway. I managed to drag my feet down the stairs; I only had to catch my balance a few times. I felt even worse as I yanked open the door.

I felt my face go white. Gerard was standing in the doorway looking very nervous. I looked over his shoulder and saw that Riley was sitting in the driver’s seat of his car. Gerard glanced over his shoulder and waved at her. I moved out of the way and let Gerard walk in the house.

I hadn’t said a word to him yet. I could still feel my body trembling. There was no way I was going to make it through this visit. I entered the living room and dropped onto the couch, I couldn’t believe how exhausted I felt. I couldn’t stand the way my body convulsed and the way I felt the sweat drip from every pore in my body.

“Chey!” Gerard yelped and hurried towards me. He knelt beside the couch and stroked my hair. I felt my body lean into his caress. All I wanted to do was go to sleep.

“Hey,” I smiled weakly, my teeth chattered when I opened my mouth. “I’m an idiot.”

“Shh,” Gerard managed to slide onto the couch, his arm wrapped around my shaking body. “Just go to sleep,” he whispered.

I could still feel his hand running through my hair. My eyes were closed. I could smell the cologne and cigarettes on his sweater. My eyes started to close and blackness surrounded my body, I knew I was falling asleep, I could feel my body craving the nothingness. Gerard’s voice was beginning to fade, and soon my body was consumed with sleep.

~

My eyes fluttered open, dark navy blue walls started to come into focus. How did I end up in Gerard’s house? The last thing I remembered was that I was in my house trying to find any from of crystal meth in my room. Gerard’s face then flashed across my mind, he had come over, and he told me to go to sleep. What time was it anyways?

I glanced over at the fluorescent green lights on his alarm clock; it was ten o’clock at night, my parents were going to freak out. I pushed myself up from Gerard’s bed and advanced towards the door. I could hear people talking on the other side of it. I placed my hand on the cool door knob and twisted it, pulling on the door as well. I saw everyone’s face shift from whatever they were doing and look at me.

“My parents are going to worry,” I said in a rather raspy voice.

Gerard got up from the couch and walked towards me. He wrapped his arm around my waist and walked me over to the couch. Mikey got up from the love seat and gave me the blanket from it. I sat by the arm rest of the couch and put most of my weight on it. I was still feeling very weak.

“My mom called your mom and said you would be staying here for the night,” Mikey informed me as he sat back down on the loveseat.

I finally noticed that Frank and Riley were sitting on the floor in front of the TV. I flinched away from Riley’s stare. It felt as if she was judging me, judging the monster I had become.

“You have about 30 messages on your cell phone,” Bob said. He tossed me my cell phone. Gerard caught it instead and pocketed it.

“Those could be from my mom,” I said. Instantly, I rested my head on my knees, I wanted the spinning feeling to go away.

“There not, believe me,” Riley said.

“Hey Chey, guess what!” Ray said enthusiastically from the chair on the other side of the couch. “Riley punched – ouch,” he rubbed his forehead.

Frank had thrown a bottle cap at him, “Just ignore him.”

“Frank, I’m really sorry – “

“Don’t worry about it,” he said. I had just noticed that he and Riley were holding hands. This didn’t bother me like I thought it was going too. For some reason, it just felt right.

“Uh, do you think we could talk?” I turned my attention to Gerard. I nodded and started to get up. Gerard followed suit.

I entered his room, which was surprisingly clean for once. I sat down on his bed and pulled the blankets around myself. I could feel my body trembling again, but I wasn’t sure it was due to the drugs, or more about what Gerard wanted to talk about.

He sat down on the bed beside me. He leaned against the wall and crossed his legs. We stayed silent for at least ten minutes.

“Why?” he said as he dropped something on my lap. I looked down and realized what it was. It was the baggy that had my stash in it. Tears welled up in my eyes.

“I don’t know,” I forced out; it was barely above a whisper.

“Your life can’t be that bad, Cheyenne,” he said and looked away.

“Excuse me,” I said and looked at him. “I go home every day to an empty house. My own brother doesn't even associate with me. If it’s not business trips for my parents, it’s long board meetings at the office. I have no one.”

“That’s not true, and you know it,” he said and turned to look at me. “When did you start doing this shit?”

“About three months ago,” I looked away. Fresh tears fell from my eyes.

“Three months ago? You’ve been hiding this for three months, how the hell could I be so stupid and not notice,” he said more to himself than me.

“Because Gerard, you were too occupied with something else,” I snapped. “You were too busy shoving alcohol down your throat to even notice me. I tried everything, I went to more parties with you, I got trashed with you. Nothing worked. I tried to show you how I felt about you for over a year now.”

“So you turned to drugs?” he said, venom dripping from his voice.

“Yes, I first tried meth at Oliver Stanley’s party,” I said. “You were shit faced and were hanging off some girl with blonde hair and a huge chest. I couldn’t stand watching you ruin your life anymore, I cared about you so much Gerard.”

It was silent for a minute before Gerard started talking again, “why did you agree to go out with Alex?”

“Because, you still cared more about alcohol than anything else, until Riley told me that you…you loved me,” I said. “That’s when I knew I had to do something about it; you couldn’t be in love with me. I was horrible, a monster. I wasn’t good enough for you. You deserve someone so much better than me. I was nothing more than a broken girl, operating off of drugs, taking me through the day without feeling anything.”

“Not good enough for me?” he said. “Chey, there’s no one I want more than you. I’m not good enough for you.”

I could feel him looking at me. I turned my head to look at him, was he that close before? He raised his hand and placed it on my cheek, he drew closer, his lips barely an inch away from mine. I pulled my face away from his.

“Gerard, I can’t,” I said. “I may be a monster, but I can’t do that to Alex.”

I got up from his bed. I couldn’t stand the way he was looking at me right now. There was so much sadness in his face. I was standing between him and the door, trying to figure out what I should do.

I turned away from the door and crawled back on the bed. I moved closer to Gerard and kneeled beside him. I reached up and pulled his face upwards so that he was looking me in the eyes.

“Just please, please give me a day or two to sort things out,” I said, tears fell from my eyes again.

“Okay,” he whispered.

“Can you send Riley in?” I asked Gerard. “There’s something I want to talk to her about.”