Can't Have You

"How can you be so easy and light about this? Everyone's worried for your state of mind." Kris smiled, placing some more pop corn in her mouth.

I shrugged and then grimaced as pain shot through me, "Would you prefer I was all like 'Oh my gosh! I was shot! I almost DIED! Arrggghhh I'm so pitiful!"

"Alright, alright! You proved your point, stop hurting yourself!" She laughed, throwing a kernel at me. I had thrown my arms up during my little 'explanation' and she had seen the pain on my face, it still hurt to move my left arm.

I had been out of hospital for a week but I hadn't been allowed to continue the tour. The boys were all finishing up the tour and would be done by Tuesday (Three days from now). I was still flying to England in a week but until then I had stay in bed and get some rest plus take all of my medication, I think I may just be a druggie with all the pills I've been popping. The left side of my chest was covered with bandages and tape making movement rather restricted and I couldn't even sleep on my left side. Kat was at first arrested with Sam but they quickly figured she couldn't have done much to help and she had no clue he had a gun so she was released so now she's back in L.A with her mum, being sorted out. I had told them not to send her back to military school, I just hoped they listened. I felt sorry for her, she was just messed up.

Kris and I were currently in my room watching E! Tonight. Caleb, Tyler and Chace were all back in L.A though they put up a heavy argument against going back until I was better but dad forced them because they all had school or work. Dad and I had decided to stay at the farmhouse until I had to fly out to England where I would stay with Nana and Granddad.

"So, court tomorrow." Kris said once the show had finished. Sam's hearing had been scheduled for tomorrow morning at ten and I was suppose to go and testify but I didn't want to. I had signed my statement for the police and I figured that would be enough, the last thing I needed was to see him again.

"I'm still not going." I said firmly, shooting her an annoyed look.

"I know, I just thought you would've wanted closure or something you know?" She shrugged, pressing her lips together.

"Having him shoot me is closure enough." I rolled my eyes, a smile on my lips.

"God Zo! Why won't you just take this seriously?" Kris shouted, getting up off the bed in a huff.

I frowned, "What do you mean? I've already tol-"

"Do you know how it felt?" She whispered, not looking at me. "To have to see my sister lying there, not knowing if you'd ever wake up. If I'd ever see you smile, talk or do anything ever again? And here you lay, acting as if nothing happened?! You were shot Zoe! Shot! At least try and act as if you've gone through a huge ordeal instead of treating it as a minor little accident or something!"

I was shocked. I realised I hadn't actually thought or even taken into consideration just how this had affected everyone, least of all Kris who was now in tears.

"Come here." I said, patting the space next to me.

"No Zoe! God, you don't know how hard it was to s-see yo-you.. just lying there, not moving, not doing.." She couldn't finish her sentence by then because of how overcome she was with her tears. I was so upset by that point that I too began crying with her.

"I'm sorry." I said, moving to get out of the bed but she sat down next to me (on the right) and pushed me back down. "Kris-"

"Just because I'm having hysterics doesn't mean you can ruin your rest to comfort me." She shook her head and I grabbed her hand.

"I know I act as if nothing's wrong but I know that there is. I just didn't want it to overcome me for once, this time I just wanted to get past it. I'm sorry you had to see me like that but you know I wouldn't just leave, I'm always going to be here for you. I told you once before, sisters forever alright? Now stop your fussing and wipe those tears, you're not getting rid of me that easily." I smiled, brushing my own tears away, hugging my best friend.

Up until that moment, I had no actual clue of just how much pain and suffering I had put my family through. How would I had taken it had it been Nick, Chace, Kris or even dad in my position? I don't think I would've been as strong as everyone else was. I was proud and overwhelmed at the support of not only my entire family but my fans and everyone else in the world. I don't think I would've coped had it been someone else. I mean, they all sat there for days simply not knowing whether I would make it or not, whether they'd ever see me alive again. I had died you know, for about four minutes before the doctors were finally able to revive me. And no, I didn't see a light or a voice calling to me, I don't actually remember anything from the point of being shot to when I could hear Kris' voice.

I didn't have an outer body experiance either, you know, the whole 'oh my gosh, I can see myself but I'm not looking in a mirror!'. It made me wonder, was death just a person suddenly becoming nothing? Becoming void of all feeling, consciousness? Was there no afterlife or some sort of life beyond the grave?

Well, I guess some questions will just never have answers.