Can't Have You

Don't get your hopes up. Nick and I aren't back together. I suppose you could call us.. Acquaintances.

Sitting on my bed, I tried to write the eulogy for Caleb. Dad had asked me to since, out of all of us, I was the closest to him. I just couldn't put my feelings, my emotion, my thoughts or my memories of him on the blank, white paper in front of me though. Where could I begin? How did you write a eulogy for someone who meant so much? Could anyone really write everything meaningful, whether it was just having that person smile at you or be the greatest brother a person ever knew, and special about that person in the space of a few short minutes?

"Hey, how's it going?" Came Joe's voice from my doorway.

"How do you think?" I snapped, wiping away a few stray tears before throwing down my pencil in frustration.

"Look, I'm sorry abou-"

"What are you sorry about? You didn't kill him." I scowled, holding my head in my hands.

"I'll just go-"

"No, Joe, wait. I'm sorry, I'm just not in the best of moods." I sighed, looking up at him.

"No, it's fine. I can't begin to even understand how you're all feeling." He said, coming into my room. Things between us wasn't so fun anymore. It was always serious or awkward or even both.

Joe sat next to me on the bed and suddenly I couldn't look at him. It was so strange growing up. You had to begin experiencing life, experiencing pain and experiencing loss. I guess falling in love and making your happiness made up for it but everything was just so much harder now, so much more complicated then when you were four or five.

"Joe.." I whispered, staring at my bed as I sat next to him, his cologne filling my nose.

"Yeah?" He asked in the same tone.

"I-I don't think I coul-could ever see you as more than a bro-"

"Zoe, please. Won't you just think about it? I'd always be here for you, I'd protect you, I'd be faithful but most of all, I'd love you. I'd love more than breathing." He said, taking my hands, one of his tilting my face toward his, his big brown eyes staring, searching mine.

"I-I.. With Nick and with Caleb.." I said, my eyes welling with tears. "I just can't Joe. I-I thought that out of all of them I could count on you, that you would never change."

"And I haven't Zoe. Truly! Only my feelings have. I'd go to the end of the world for you, for whatever you wanted. Zoe, I love you." Joe murmured.

I hadn't noticed but his face was a lot closer than it was before and it wasn't long before suddenly our lips were touching. It was a sweet, innocent but entirely confusing kiss that left me both breathless and needing to pull away. I realised though I didn't want to though. Joe was right. He was always there for me and I, for him. It would've been easy, you know. To just have everything over and done with there. Joe and I could've ran off, been together forever. Nothing in the world could've stopped us. Well, except for the fact that my heart didn't belong to Joe and no matter how much easier my life would be with him, I couldn't do that. I loved Nick and I knew I would never stop. Even if I never ended up with Nick again, he would still in my heart, in my mind, behind my lids each time I close my eyes.

"Joe, I'm sorry but I can't do this to you. I know it'd be so much easier but that's the thing, I don't want easy. Love is hard and I know that if I truly want it then I'm going to have to fight. I'm sorry, I really am but I just don't-"

"Love me? I suppose I should've known. It's been Nick from the start right?" He sighed, cupping my face with his large hands as we stared into each other's eyes. "It's okay Zoe. I'll find someone else but, I think there's a brother of mine that needs you right now."

"I love you Joey, truly, I do. It's just we're more suit-"

"Suited as very close friends. Yeah, I know. I still love you Zoe, I just want you to be happy. If being with Nick makes you happy then I wouldn't want you with anyone else." Joe smiled, albeit it was a defeated smile.

"Thanks Joe." I said softly, kissing him once more before getting up off my bed. No, I wasn't going to talk with Nick. I figured that could wait until after the funeral, until after everything had settled down.

"Chace?" I knocked softly on the door to my oldest brother's room. Walking in, I realised Chace hadn't been out of his room ever since he had gotten here and now it was beginning to smell and it looked as if the room had never seen the light of day.

The curled up form of Chace Cooper lay underneath a pile of ragged blankets that badly needed a wash, just like him.

"How dare you Chace." I snarled, ripping off the covers and exposing my haggard and unshaven brother.

"Hey! What the hell Zoe!" He yelled, snatching them back.

"What?! Do you know how ashamed Caleb would be right now? How ashamed Tyler would be either of them saw you like this? You're the oldest boy Chace!" I yelled, yanking them back.

"Don't talk to me about them alright! It was all my fault okay? I shouldn't-" Chace's sentence was cut of by the sound of his sobs.

"Don't even think about crying on me now! Man up! This is hard on all of us! Do you really think anyone of us want to be planning Caleb's funeral?" I hissed, hands on hips. "You're deluded if you actually expect me to just let you sit here in the dark while our brother is in hospital and one is soon to be in the ground?! Nuh uh-"

My ranting was cut off by Chace grabbing and shoving me up against the wall forcefully, the stink of unwashed teeth on his breath, gagging me.

"Don't you dare talk to me as if I don't know what's going on." He hissed, his eyes furious and the dark shade of stubble on his jaw. "How dare you accuse me of not being a man."

"Well considering you've been stuck in your room lately I can't see how you are much of one! Our brother is dead and all you can do is sit here moping around, trying to make every pity you! Well you know what? You make me sick! I thought you were my big brother but as it seems to turn out, you're just a big loser!" I screamed, shoving him off me, ignoring the pain both he and I were feeling at my words. They were harsh and I knew that but I also knew he had to hear them if he was ever going to snap out of this rut he had gone and stuck himself in.

"I'm banning you from Caleb's funeral." I snarled.

"You can't ban me from my own brother's funeral!" He roared, his hand twitching. I knew he wanted to hit me. Chace was bad like that. Whenever he got angry, he got the urge to hit the nearest thing to him.

"Just watch me! So when you decide to become a man, you pick yourself up, you dust yourself off and then you come see me because if you hadn't realised Chace, this family doesn't need your bullshit to deal with alright!" I yelled, storming from his room and slamming the door shut behind me.

"What the hell was that all about?" Dad asked, coming into the hall where I still stood outside Chace's door, fuming.

"I just gave my brother a wake up call." I snapped, taking off into my room.

. . .

I smoothed down my black pants as I stared into my mirror. Close to four hundred people were going to be at Caleb's funeral. I left my hair out, straightening it. I had decided on tight black pants, black flat boots, a white, long sleeved blouse and a black, pin-striped vest. Shrugging on my black trench coat, I took in a deep breath to try and calm my hammering heart.

I was burying Caleb today. I don't think I've ever had to do something so hard as this. A soft knock at the door disturbed me from my thoughts and crossing the room I pulled open my door to reveal a clean shaven, neatly dressed Chace Cooper.

"Decided to grace us with your presence have you?" I scowled, crossing my arms as I stared up at him.

"I thought about what you said and I realise you were right. I wasn't acting like a man. I did want everyone to pity and yeah, I needed that wake up call. I just wanted to say thank you. You've been so much stronger than any of us and I'm glad of it, to know we can count on someone like you. You're my little sister yeah but you're so much more wiser than your years you know." He sighed, looking down at me. I crumbled under his gaze, I couldn't help it, I mean, he is my big brother after all.

"Come here." I sighed, pulling him in and hugging him tightly. "Now let's go before we're late."

Twenty minutes later and we had arrived at the church. We were going to have it in a chapel but after realising just how many people were going to be attending we had it moved to a church. As Chace and I moved through the crowd to get to dad, people were stopping us, murmuring their condolences and offering words of 'support'. Some girls even asked me for my autograph. I was pissed off at that so I had them escorted away.

"Dad, hey." I said as we approached him finally sitting right up front next to Renee and Kat, the Jonas family on the other side of the aisle.

The casket sat in the middle, right in front of the altar and as soon as I looked at the pictures surrounding it, the tears began to well up and were soon streaming down my face.

. . .

Half an hour into the service and I was called upon to take the stand and speak a few words. Letting go of Chace's hand I stood up and made my way up to the podium, turning to face the crowd.

I looked down at the piece of paper in my hand before looking back up at the crowd, each face staring up at me with expectant eyes, some crying, some comforting others, some just staring.

"I-I had written something for today. Took me ages to figure out the right words, you know. I think though that I know now what the right thing to say is." I spoke, stuttering at points but otherwise fine.

"Caleb and I were close. Not just that whole big brother, little sister thing but close, close. We just got each other. I've known a lot people who I connect like that with but there was no connection stronger than mine and Caleb's. I remember it was about two years ago, before the Jonases had come here that we were walking in the paddock and I was telling him how worried I was about the farm, about what was going to happen to us. And all he said was 'Don't worry.' And I never have. I believed what he said because I knew he spoke the truth, he never lied to me. He was like superman to me, unbeatable and indestructible but as we all know, even the strongest person crumbles. "

"I'm going to miss him, we all are but it's not the end. This is only a small part of what's to come and I know Caleb would hate it if I were to be all mopy and depressed. He'd tell me to suck it up and get over myself because I'm better than that. And I am. So, for that Cal, just for you, I'm going to suck it up, I'm going to get over myself and I'm going to be a better person because there's nothing more I want than making you proud. I love you big brother and I'm going to miss you."

Sitting back in the seats with my family I felt Chace grip my hand and I knew, right there that though I had lost one brother, another was in a coma, that I was the luckiest person on earth because I had the greatest family possible and a blonde haired, green eyed angel who was going to look after me. Things could only get better from now on.

I guarantee you that.