Sometimes Resisting Is Easier Than Giving In

Way later in the day after my talk with Delicious I was sitting outside the bus enjoying the clean smell of the air and munching on food from catering when Alex sat on the ground next to me. I didn’t say anything and neither did he, at least not for a while anyway.
“So about the show today…” Alex sighed.
“What about it?” I asked taking a bite of my hot dog.
“I know I shouldn’t have pushed to kiss you like that. I know that we have boundaries and stuff and I’m really sorry. From now on I will try to keep those boundaries. I want to because I understand why we made them and it’s important to you.”
“Thank you.” I said after I’d swallowed.
“No problem. I just didn’t want you to think I was mad at you.”
“You wouldn’t look at me the rest of the show.” I reminded him.
“Yea, I was kind of… feeling the pain of rejection.”
“Sorry.”
“Don’t be. It was my fault.” He said kicking some dirt.
I scooted over to sit closer to him after I had finished eating. He looped his arm around my shoulders and made me lean into him. I saw in his face that he was waiting for me to pull away but I just cuddled up into his side and put my arm across his stomach.
“So this is okay? No boundaries block this?”
“I’m cold.” I lied.
“Oh, here.” He said slipping out of his jacket and putting it over us like a blanket.
I had to curl up into him to allow the jacket to stretch over the both of us. He trailed his fingers up and down the bare skin of my side. I got goose bumps but he couldn’t see them. I thanked Jack in my head for suggesting the bathing suit, however I wasn’t using it to torture him.
“Bathing suits make my happy.” Alex smiled.
“Me too.” I said snuggling my face into his neck and giving it a few kisses.
I could tell he was confused now about why I was kissing him and he’d just said he’d stick to the boundaries. He was probably also battling the urge to break them again. Maybe he thought this was a test.
“What are you doing?” He asked.
“Nothing. Just keeping warm.” I said.
“But you wouldn’t have done this yesterday.”
“I’ve been thinking.” I admitted to him.
“Oh no. When women think it’s never a good thing.” Alex joked.
I punched him lightly in the ribs. He sucked in a breath because he wasn’t expecting it.
“Sorry. What have you been thinking?”
“I was talking with Delicious and he made a good point. He’s good at that you know.”
“Mmhm.” He said looking down at me.
“He said that things had been more strained since we made these boundaries.”
“I’ll agree with that statement.” Alex nodded, his eyes cautious.
“And so I asked him what I should do about it and he said to just throw them out the window. Well door actually, but you get the idea.”
“Well I get what he’s saying but I don’t know where you’re going with this.” Alex said with his fingers still tracing patterns on my side.
“To me he made a lot of sense and I don’t like it when things are strained between us.” I paused.
“Mmhm. Me too.”
“So then I got to thinking. If I don’t like it when things get strained and things are getting strained because of these boundaries… then maybe Delicious was right.”
“I’d would agree.” He said realizing where this was going.
“Then can we agree to get rid of them?” I asked looking up at him.
He nodded and then pushed his lips to mine.
“Gone.” He smiled.
“Good, cuz I don’t want to make you upset and then cause strain and I don’t want to end this week on a bad note either.”
“So if the boundaries have been taken away… then does that mean I can kiss you any time I want?”
“I suppose so.”
He kissed me.
“Does that mean that you’re my girl?” He asked. “I know that question is a bit of a long shot though.”
“No. I’m not yours but we’re back to square one.”
“So we could maybe sleep together again?” He asked sounding hopeful.
“Oh you liked that did you?” I laughed pushing his face away from mine.
“Yea, I did. It felt right.” His eyes burned with the truth in his statement.
“You know I have to shoot that one down. That got us into a mess.” I said reaching up to place my hand on his cheek.
It was strangely hard to tell him that we couldn’t sleep together again. Maybe it was the way his eyes looked, the sincerity in them.
“Okay.” He sighed. “But you’ll still sleep in the same bed as me like before right?”
“Yea, so long as we’re both single.”
“Let’s not even talk about being with other people. That just depresses me.” He said with that adoring look appearing on his face.
“Right.” I agreed.
We ended up making out where we were for a very long time. It was getting darker when Courtney and Zack walked by us hand in hand.
“Thought you guys made boundaries.” Courtney reminded us.
“We did. She just dissolved them.” Alex smiled.
“Good luck man.” Zack said to Alex.
“I’ll need it.” Alex replied glancing at me to gauge my reaction.
“Do you need me to keep the bus clear tonight?” I asked Courtney while ignoring Alex’s gaze.
The boys became engaged in some conversation.
“Yea, I think so.” She smiled and blushed.
“Will do.” I saluted her.
“Good luck you to Zack.” Alex said as Zack and Courtney went on the bus.
I waited until Alex was back to just sitting with me and tracing patterns on my side before I said anything.
“Would you mind staying sober tonight?” I asked him.
“Yea, sure. How come?”
“Well I’m going to need some help keeping everyone off the bus tonight.” I said.
Alex raised his eyebrows and pulled on the tie in the back of my bathing suit. I felt it go lose and then his hand went to my chest.
“Not for us. For Courtney and Zack.” I said but allowed him to continue feeling me up.
“Oh?” He questioned, hand still on my chest.
“They’re going to… you know.” I clucked my tongue.
“Bump uglies?” Alex asked.
“Yea, and she wants to keep everyone off the bus for a while.”
“Is it her… first?” Alex asked quietly though no one was around.
I nodded.
“Really? Her and Zack have only been together for a little while.”
“More than a month. They dated mostly over the phone. This is the first whole week they have had to spend together and well lots of things get pent up when you can only talk over the phone.”
“So she wants him then?”
“Yea, she’s very into that whole muscle-type physique.”
“I’ve noticed.”
“So will you help me?”
“Of course.”
“Thank you.”
“You just have to repay me a little later.”
“How so?”
“Spend the night with me in my bunk and we’ll go from there.” He leered.
“No sex.” I stated firmly.
“None.” He agreed to my terms without hesitation.
When Jack and Rian came off the bus we knew it was on for Courtney and Zack. So we decided to take the boys to Cobras bus for another party. That would keep them busy for a few hours. Alex retied the back of my bathing suit for me and then we got up off the ground.
The suggestion of going to Cobras bus went over well and we were off, Alex and I holding hands. Jack seemed to notice and gave me a questioning look. I just shrugged it off. He must have thought I was going to mess with Alex tonight; which did sound sort of fun but I didn’t want to push him too much too soon.
The bus was already pulsing with loud music when we got there. As we boarded the bus we were greeted with loud shouts and offered drinks. Alex and I both took a beer but made a deal that would be all for the night. Nothing more.
We spent a few hours dancing and playing games. We watched the drinking games that went on outside the bus when it was getting to hot to handle and then went back in to dance. Alex and I were starting to dance like the night at the beach but realized it and tried to keep it under control by breaking off and dancing with someone new for a little. I usually went to Jack or Rian. Alex just went to whoever was closest to him.
When Jack said something about wanting to go back to the bus I had to tell Alex. He knew we had to come up with something to get him distracted. Rian was having fun in the back of the bus drinking and playing a game of poker. We brought Jack back there and he made the suggestion to play strip poker, which everyone agreed to.
I was forced into the game and was dealt a hand.
“Regular rules. Nothing special. You loose you take an item of clothing off.” Jack said as he passed cards out.
I felt a little better when a few other girls joined the game. I lost the first round and took off my shorts. Good thing I decided on wearing my bottoms to my bathing suit. Alex kept putting his hand on my thigh and rubbing. I would move it off but he would put it back. It was becoming a game between us.
By the end of the game I was topless and there was another girl that was wearing less than me. I pulled out of the game and put my top back on. Someone else took my place. Alex was down to his boxers. When he lost the next round he pulled out of the game. Shouts of ‘pussy’ and ‘lame’ echoed all around the table. Jack was the only one with most of his clothes still on and was enjoying the fact that he was getting a few girls naked with his game suggestion.
I found a place to sit on the couch of people who were observing the game. Alex was sifting though clothes to find his. Jack was laughing as Rian had to pull off another article of clothing; his choice, the belt.
Once Alex had all his clothes back he came over to me. There was no place for him to sit down and he wanted to. So I stood up and made him sit in my place and then sat on his lap. He liked that solution and wrapped his arms around my waist, like earlier today. However, unlike earlier he just rested his head on my shoulder and watched the game. He didn’t do anything to make me want him. I was thankful for that.
An hour or so later and a few more games of strip poker I got a text from Courtney. She said it was safe to come back on the bus now and I didn’t have to worry about keeping anyone off it. I slid my phone back into my pocket and shared the message with Alex. He nodded and pulled his arms tighter around my waist.
“So our baby sitting is done for the night?” He asked.
“Yea.”
“Wanna go back to the bus?” He seemed to be itching to go.
“Let’s give them a little time to cuddle with out anyone there.”
“Girls.” He huffed rolling his eyes.
“What, it was her first. I don’t want to ruin the memory for her.”
“I guess you’re right. Does this mean I can have another beer now?” He asked picking one up from the cooler.
“Grab me one too.” I said holding my hand out.
He pulled out a second and opened it for me. We drank them and watched the game, decided against joining again. He nibbled on my neck and the lobe of my ear from time to time reminding me that he wanted to get back to the bus. I tried to ignore it but he was getting through and I was starting to want him again. I thought I should warn him that I might use him again. It might make him hold back.
“Bus now?” He asked tossing his beer into the trash.
“Yea. I’m getting tired of this.”
We got up and said good-bye to Rian and Jack before exiting the bus. Alex took my hand and pulled me closer.
“Time to repay me.” Alex said in my ear.
“I’m almost to the point where I want to use you again.” I warned.
“I just gotta get you there and then it’ll be a great night.”
“We said no sex Alex.”
He made a face.
“Sorry.” I said. “I just don’t want to complicate things. But if I want to use you then you might be able to get away with a few more things.”
“Fine.” He agreed.
We made it back to the bus and I climbed into his bunk. I didn’t even think to check and see if Courtney and Zack were asleep yet. They probably were so we had nothing to worry about.
“Wait here a second. I have to do something.” Alex said as he closed the curtain to his bunk.
I rolled onto my side and faced the wall. It was dark because I had chosen not to turn the overhead light on but I could still see the things he had in his bunk. There were plenty of blankets to keep him warm, two pillows–he must have stolen the pillow from the junk bunk, and a stuffed bear that I had given him a while back just to annoy him. I guess it didn’t annoy him that much; I was touched that he kept it.
Alex slid into the bunk behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist. I pushed back into him and he kissed my neck.
“You still have this teddy?” I asked picking it up and making its nose touch Alex’s.
“Yea, he’s not so annoying when I’m out here all alone. He keeps me company.” Alex said nudging it with his nose.
“That’s cute.”
“Besides, it reminds me of you.” He said moving to kiss my cheek.
“Awe.” I sighed, snuggling into him more.
He had enough of lying behind me and tried unsuccessfully to turn me to face him. So I gave and helped him. He pushed his nose to mine once I was settled and we just laid there staring at each other though we couldn’t see much of the other’s face. Our breaths mingled for a while and all I could smell was the beer on the both of our breaths.
“I’m glad we got rid of those boundaries.” Alex said rubbing his nose against mine.
“Me too.” That was the answer he wanted to hear from me.
He tilted his head and I knew what was coming next. His lips brushed against mine for a few seconds before he actually pressed them against my lips. I pushed back gently and slowly worked it into an open mouthed kiss. It wasn’t feeling like the kiss that ends on its own but it was good enough for me. His fingers curled into my hair before we kissed deeper.
I pulled back and licked my lips. I needed air and so did he. Our breathing was labored and I was afraid that someone would hear it.
“You taste like beer.” I said after licking my lips again.
“As do you, Sweetheart.”
“Don’t start with that Alex.”
“Sorry Emmy. I forgot you don’t like that.” He sighed.
It wasn’t that I didn’t like when he called me things like sweetheart and baby, it was just that I didn’t want to have to be reminded of how much he wanted to call me those things.
It wasn’t long before Alex fell asleep and I was left lying awake to think. Of course all I could think about was him. Him sleeping on my chest. Him snoring softly as he does when he is most content. Him snuggled so closely to me with his arms around me. All I could think about was how this was so wrong on so many levels.
For one he was completely and undeniably in love with me. Love, a word that I can’t even bring myself to say to another human being. Second he was giving me so much and I was just taking it all from him, relishing in the affection, comfort, and sweet words he gave me. Thirdly not giving himanything in return other than some empty kisses.
What I couldn’t figure out was that he had told me he was happy with nothing but those empty kisses. All he wanted was to just be around me; even when we were fighting. He just wanted me there next to him for as long as possible and I wasn’t sure I wanted that. I mean I didn’t even want to date the poor boy and he knows it well enough but will not let up in his pursuit. You’d think by now he’d know I was a lost cause, that I was damaged goods and unworthy of the things he’d been giving me. All the things that can’t be bought, the things most precious in life, he gave to me without a second thought and to know that I wasn’t giving him anything back really hurt inside.
Maybe Delicious was wrong. Maybe we need to be strained because this is wrong. Wrong in so many ways I can’t even count on my fingers and toes.
Then there’s what Courtney had asked. Would I feel differently about him if he were just a boy and nothing more, if he wasn’t in a band? If millions of girls far and wide didn’t idolize and worship him, then would I want him? Maybe I had it backwards. Maybe I was broken because I didn’t want what everyone else wanted. That was something I would never figure out because there was no way in the near future that he was going to be a normal boy from Maryland.
I sighed and silently hated whoever came up with that stupid and pesky word love. I don’t believe in it but someone I care about believes in it like a hopeless romantic. He chooses to remind me every day that others believe in that damn word and that he’s determined to get me to feel it. Maybe if he’d gotten though to me in high school then I would feel it. Now I just think it’s so deeply buried inside of me that it’s never going to come out, like an old war ship sunk to the bottom of the sea and crumbling away to rust and currents, but not totally gone…maybe.