Sometimes Resisting Is Easier Than Giving In

I dreaded this moment.
I was hoping to avoid this some how but knew in the back of my mind it would happen.
I had to leave.
He had to kiss me good-bye.
They all had to see.
I had to bear it and pretend that nothing was wrong.
He had to be getting sadder and sadder by the second.
Alex gripped me tightly in a hug and buried his face in my shoulder. I just rested my chin on his shoulder. He sighed and picked his head up. I moved to look him in the eyes.
We were in front of my house, the huge tour bus looking very out of place on the thin suburban road. Zack and Courtney were off to the side somewhere. I could hear her crying and him comforting her. Rian and Jack stood waiting for either of us to say good-bye, me being the most likely to be done first.
“This is it then.” Alex sighed looking into my eyes.
“Yea.” I sighed back.
“Tomorrow I’ll be in a different state and you’ll be here in school thinking about smart things while all I have to think about is you and this memory.” He said while his eyes didn’t make contact with mine.
“Alex, are you crying?” I asked.
“Not yet I’m not. Feeling close to it though. I just don’t wan to leave you is all.”
“You’ll be home soon. Two more months and then you can see me.”
“I know. It’s just… ah it doesn’t matter. You don’t even feel the same. It’s pointless.”
“Sorry.” I offered knowing what he’d said rang painfully true.
“Don’t worry about it. I’ll be fine. I’m a man.” He sucked in a breath.
I kissed his cheek. Then it came. His hand softly enveloped the right side of my face. He stood there, with one arm still around my back, staring into my eyes. I knew that he was feeling something terrible because of what he believed in and I was feeling nothing for what I didn’t believe in. I think he knew that I felt nothing too and that was the source of most of the pain in his eyes. His lips pressed gently to mine. The stubble on his upper lip ticked against my skin. I kissed him back with as much as he was giving me though it didn’t feel quiet the same. Like something was still wrong. Wrong like it had been since we had enforced the boundaries and then taken them away.
“Bye Alex.” I said pulling away from him.
“See ya Emmy.” He said letting his arms fall to his side.
I walked over to Rian and Jack. Rian pulled me into a hug first and tears sprang into my eyes. I pushed my face to his neck. Why did I start crying when I approached a separation from Rian and Jack, but not Alex?
“I’m gonna miss you girl.” He said.
“I’ll miss you too Rian.” I sniffed.
He squeezed me tightly for a second and then let me go. I threw my arms around Jack’s neck and pulled him to me. He ended up picking me up mid hung and swinging me around. It made me laugh and I was glad he knew how to make me happy.
“Thanks.” I laughed wiping at a tear.
“No problem.” He smiled reaching out to catch a tear on my jaw line. “Don’t be sad. We’ll make videos and stuff for you to watch so you don’t get so lonely.”
“I’ll have Sebastian back too.” I said nodding to him on the front lawn.
“He’ll be mopey for a while though.”
“I know, cuz he’ll miss all of you.”
“Yep, and I’ll miss you.”
“Same Jackie-o.”
“Who’s gonna call me that?” He asked suddenly with exaggerated fear in his voice.
“I’ll call you.”
“M’kay.” He agreed.
I walked over to Sebastian and picked him up. He immediately sensed something was going to happen and looked at me with a frightened expression.
Alex came over and took Sebastian’s face in his hands.
“Sorry Pup. I have to go now. It’ll be a while before I see you again. Send all those ladies you know my love.”
Sebastian kissed Alex and then looked to me. He understood what was happening when Alex walked away and went into the bus with the rest of the guys. Zack waved a good-bye to me as he climbed onto the bus. Courtney came to stand by my side. She patted Sebastian who was now crying and struggling to get out of my arms. I held him tighter.
“Poor baby.” She said.
I just kissed his head. He didn’t care. He knew his daddy was leaving again and didn’t want that to happen.
We went into my house and I put him on the floor. The door was shut so he just stood by the door crying and scratching at it. Courtney and I put our luggage in my garage and then took Sebastian into the living room where my mother was watching TV.
By the time we sat Sebastian was just a wet rag in my arms. He didn’t want to stand, he didn’t want to move, and he didn’t want to eat later on.
I spent the night at home and Courtney stayed over. In the morning I got up way before her and left a note though she knew I was going to school. I put Sebastian in her arms and he just looked at me sadly. It must have been horrible for him to watch me go too, but at least I’d be home in a few hours.
School was already crawling with student cars and people when I got there. I sighed and picked up my packet of work that I had found the time to do while gone and left my car. First stop: Office.
“Hello, how can I help you?”
“My name’s Emmeline Steingarten and I need my schedule. I was transferred into sophomore classes.” I said quietly.
“Oh yes. I was told you would be coming. I was getting worried because it was getting closer and closer to the first bell. Darren?”
“Yea Mrs. Fairbanks?” A boy asked walking over.
I didn’t pay much attention to him. I was looking over the schedule that was being handed to me.
“This is Emmeline. She needs to be shown around. Remember how I told you about this?”
“Yea, I remember. You have the same first class as me.” He said turning to me.
His dark blue eyes caught me.
“W–we do?” I stuttered out.
“Yea, Mrs. Fairbanks here,” He gestured to her, “called me to show you to your classes. We have close schedules. Best match out of all the students. You’re stuck with me all day.” He smiled.
“Okay.” I said agreeing with him.
It wasn’t going to be so bad. He was cute. I was caught off guard by his snakebites in his lower lip but didn’t mind it one bit. I, for maybe just a moment, thought about what it would be like to kiss him with those but stopped myself. I could barely remember his name.
“Come with me.” He said.
“Okay.” That seemed to be the only word I could get out.
We walked out of the office and he took my schedule from me. It was then when I noticed his full sleeve of color tattoos. I didn’t get a good look at them because his arm dropped back to the other side of his body, but it was enough to get me intrigued by him.
“So you’ve got some higher up classes for being a sophomore.”
“What are you?” I asked.
“Junior.”
“Oh.”
“Are you a transfer, Emmeline?” He looked at me and I lost my place again.
Why was I stumbling over myself? Oh right, because he was cute.
“N–no, I’m technically a freshman but I tested out of that year and they let me skip a g–grade.” I explained while trying to not stutter so badly.
“Nervous for your first day freshie?” He joked.
“Hey! I’m a sophomore now!” I said punching his arm lightly.
He threw his head back and laughed at me.
“I like you. You’re funny. Good thing we’ve got English together first.”
“Oh, Yay! I’ll know someone now.”
“So how old are you Emmeline?”
“You can just call me Emmy. That’s what I go by most of the time. I’m almost nineteen.”
“Okay, Emmy. That’s still pretty. I’m twenty. Just turned twenty actually.”
“What are you majoring in?” I asked.
It was getting easier to talk to him.
“Chemistry. You?”
“Uhm, well I was going to be a teacher originally and then two weeks in changed to Physics.”
“Mmm interesting subject. I almost did that but then I remember how I am with moving objects.” He laughed.
“Yea, I figured that kids could get way to annoying and that physics doesn’t talk back to me. Besides I was amazing at high school physics.”
“Sounds logical. I find most people annoying.”
“Hmm.”
“Just so you’re not wondering, I don’t find you annoying. You interest me.”
“Oh.” I blushed looking away.
“Back to one word answers are we?”
I nodded.
“Well you’ll be okay for now. We’re going to get a few books and all you have to do is answer ‘yea.’” He said moving some of his hair.
“Okay.”
He laughed.
We entered the library and I turned in my old books in exchange for new ones. Darren followed me to my car so that I could put most of my books away and then showed me to our first class. There was still five minutes before class actually started but we sat down inside anyways.
“Is there assigned seats here?”
“Nah, we tend to move around a lot. The professor thinks it’s better that way. She thinks that by changing our seats often we encounter new people and are exposed to new vantage points and ideas. It’s actually quite clever.”
“So do you move around a lot?”
“No, I’ve stayed here since day one.”
I nodded in understanding. He didn’t really like people. It got quiet.
“Did those hurt?” I asked out of nowhere.
His hand shot up to one of his two lip rings.
“Nah.” He said pulling on them. “Not too much. It was tolerable. It was just a pain to keep ‘em clean.”
“Oh, were you one of those boys that rolled around in the dirt all the time?”
“Yep, still am sometimes. Ride motor cross on the weekends with friends, skate, whatever really.”
“Sounds fun. At least you have something to do on the weekends. I have to house sit for a friend so I just hang with his dog and have my friend Courtney over when she can come, which is like always.”
“Courtney go here too?” He asked.
“No, she’ll be starting her junior year when high school picks up again.”
“Oh, so she’s a young one?”
“Yea, I guess you could call her that. Though I don’t think she’d appreciate it.” I laughed.
“Why? She one of those people that sees themselves as an old soul and is all spiritual and stuff?”
I could tell by the way he asked he didn’t like them.
“No, she just is more mature than me at times. It’s weird.”
“A little immaturity here and there is always good. I know that I indulge in it once in a while.” He said stretching his legs out.
The professor walked in and began talking without warning. People scrambled to pull out paper for notes. I did the same. Surprisingly it was easy to follow since I hadn’t been in this class for a whole month. That might have something to do with the work I had to do while I took a vacation.
I glanced over at Darren a few times. He was really intent on the lecture and took lots of notes. He was very interesting to me and attractive.
I found later in the day I was thinking about whether or not we’d be friends outside of school because he’d showed me to every single class I had for the rest of the day. His classes were always close to mine so I’d find him waiting for me and ready to take my schedule from me. Our last class was the same, just like our first. So we started off the day together and ended it together. I liked that.
When I came home to Alex and Rian’s house I was not greeted by Sebastian. I was almost worried until I remembered that Courtney had him. As soon as I remembered that she was calling me.
“Yea, I’m home.” I said answering my phone.
“Cool, I’m gonna walk Bas over there and then you can tell me all about your first day.”
“You sound like my mother.” I accused.
“So.”
“Whatever. I’ll see you later.”
Not long after Courtney called she made it over. I was surprised at how fast she made it over. Sebastian looked tired as he meandered into the house. I picked him up and gained a few kissed from him.
“So… how was it?” Courtney asked heading for the kitchen to get water.
“Not bad. Met this boy who showed me to my classes. Well the office assigned him to me but yea.”
“All of them?” She asked raising her eyebrows.
“Yea, we have similar schedules or something like that so the office asked him to help out and what not.” I shrugged putting Sebastian down.
He walked over to his bowl and started drinking loudly. I guess they really did walk from her house to here.
“What’s his name and what year is he?”
“Darren and he’s a junior.” I said biting my lip.
“What’s this Darren look like?” She asked picking up on my lip biting.
“Black hair, dark blue eyes, snakebites, full sleeve on his right arm.”
“Oh, sounds cute.” She said in a knowing tone while sipping her water.
I nodded in agreement ignoring her knowing tone. Whatever it was about I was sure it wasn’t something I would want to hear about.
“What will Alex think?” She clucked her tongue.
“Doesn’t matter what he thinks.” I said taking a seat at the counter.
There was a silence as she processed what I meant by that. I knew she was going to take that and twist and stretch it like a taffy puller. I sighed and opened up my laptop to check my homework that I still had left.
“So are you rejecting Mr. Gaskarth for real now?” She asked sitting down on the other side of the counter so she could face me.
“I’ve always rejected him ‘for real.’ Ever since he showed interest I did.”
“Do you like this Darren boy?” She played with her almost empty glass.
“I dunno, I’ve met him once.”
“But you’ll be seeing him at least three days a week. I don’t know about your other schedule.”
“We find that out tomorrow. Did I mention that I love having alternating classes? Breaks up the monotony.” I smiled.
“Yea, and I’m jealous. But you’ll still be seeing this boy enough to develop a crush on him. I’ll check back in a month and see how your crush-o-meter is.”
I rolled my eyes.
Courtney stayed quiet for the majority of the time that I asked her to let me finish up my homework. She once in a while interrupted with a question or two about school. She was at that point where she was starting to question where she wanted to go after high school.
Once I was done with homework she knew she could talk. The laptop closed and she started up about Zack. I sighed knowing that this conversation would turn to me cheering her up but went along with it anyways. It kept her mind on her own problems and off mine.
The good thing for her was that she had no regrets about her week with Zack on tour. I, on the other hand, had a few. I was just glad that she didn’t feel like I did around Alex when she was around Zack, guilty. I prayed that she never did come to that feeling.
Around five Courtney had to go home for dinner so I gave her a ride. Then I had to think of what to eat for dinner. Sebastian wasn’t much help. He just laid there and stared at me. I plopped down on the couch and flipped on the TV. He curled up next to me and closed his eyes. All I could do was stroke him absentmindedly while flipping channels and thinking about what to eat.
Settling for Chinese, I picked up the phone and called it in. Then came the question of what to feed Sebastian? He was asleep but I knew he’d be hungry if he woke up and I didn’t have anything for him.
There was nothing in the fridge. I had cleverly not stocked up before I left because I didn’t want anything to parish while I was gone and leave a mess for me to clean up when I came home. All I could see was beer. I took one out and opened it up. I took a swig. It was starting to go stale. I drank it anyways and made a mental note to toss the rest and wait for Alex to buy more. He is the one with the fake ID.
“What are we gonna feed you Pup?” I asked as Sebastian wondered into the kitchen.
He just laid down at my feet and looked up sadly. He must be so confused right now.
“Want a beer?” I asked offering him mine.
He just looked at me.
“We’ll find you something. I promise.” I mumbled looking in the pantry.
There was one can of dog food left in there and hadn’t been opened. The expiration date was good for another two months so it was safe to eat. I scooped out some and put it down for Sebastian. He didn’t even flinch when I left it there. I guess dog food isn’t that appetizing. I’ll have to find time to go to the grocery tomorrow and pick up things to eat for the both of us.
The doorbell rang and it was my food. I paid the little Chinese man and gave him a good tip. He thanked me and left happily.
Steamy hot Chinese food brought Sebastian to me. It must have smelled much better than that horrible dog food. He sat at my feet and watched intently as I dipped the chopsticks into the container and lifted them to my mouth.
When I offered him a piece of pork on the chopsticks he took it gently. He was the only dog I’d ever seen that could eat off chopsticks and not touch them at all. We ate our dinner together like that and then decided it was a better idea to just turn in for the night.
Sebastian ran down to Alex’s room and curled up on the foot of his bed at the mention of the word sleep. Alex had him trained well; I’ll give him that. I went though the process of getting ready for bed while Sebastian just dosed off. When I slipped in under the covers Sebastian crawled in with me. We cuddled up like that and fell asleep.