Sometimes Resisting Is Easier Than Giving In

There was a silence on the other end of the phone. What could we talk about with out talking about the thing that would hurt him? It had to come up eventually, it always did. He put himself though the pain just to know that I was happy. I admired that about him. It seemed that everything he did or put up with was to make sure I was happy.
Alex was breathing into the phone loud enough that I could hear it but not loud enough that it was annoying. He must have been lying down somewhere because of the pattern of his breathing. It was so weird how I could tell what he was doing just from the pattern of it. He was probably just lying in his bunk thinking about something that made him happy.
“So how’s that boyfriend of yours?” Alex sighed.
“We don’t have to talk about him Alex; I don’t want to upset you.”
“It doesn’t upset me… I like to hear that you’re happy.”
“It’s good. I mean it’s not bad.” I said being vague.
“Uh oh. I know that expression.” Alex picked up on what I didn’t want him to.
“It’s nothing. I’m sure he’s just stressed from school is all. I am too you know.” I said trying to push the subject off.
“That’s not what I got from your tone. It sounded like there was something else going on.”
“Alex, just drop it. It’s not important. We can find something else to talk about.”
“Okay…” Alex sighed.
He knew I was upset now over Darren and I could hear in his voice how bad he wanted to talk about that. He wanted to know exactly what was going on because he didn’t like the fact that I was dating Darren though he thought he was a good guy and he wanted to try and make me happy. Alex is just someone I don’t get.
Any normal guy would just lose interest with me and move on to another girl but not Alex. He was still as interested in me as day one, maybe even more. He wanted to be around the things that hurt him even if it made me happy. He was so masochistic sometimes.
Just to oblige me he started talking about another subject. Alex dove into a story about tour and I listened contentedly while petting Sebastian.
Oh Sebastian. If I didn’t have him with me I think I would be lost. I could tell him anything in the world and he’d listen and never judge. It was going to be so hard to be separated from him when Alex came home. I’ll have to come over as often as I can just to see him.
Twenty minutes later I looked at the clock and was astounded at how much time had gone by just listening to Alex talk. I swear he could talk about anything and I would just listen to his voice.
“Alex, sweetie, I have to go.” I sighed when he finished up his story about Jack.
He groaned unhappily.
“I know. I don’t want to go, Alex.”
“Emmeline.” He whined.
“I’m sorry Alex. I have to.”
“Mmm.”
“You’re not helping very much here.”
“I know. I just like knowing that you’re there on the other line to listen to me babble about tour mindlessly. You’re the only person that just sits there and takes in every word I say.”
I smiled at his words. They made me happy.
“I know. I can call you tomorrow though.”
“Okay.” He sighed unhappily.
“Bye Alexander.”
“Later Emmeline.”
I hung up my phone and tossed it in the middle of the bed. It scared Sebastian and he jumped up out of his sleep. A second later he was sniffing my phone to see what it was. I picked him up and cuddled him into my arms. He was on his back like a baby in my arms looking up at me.
“Courtney is going to be here soon to see you. She’s going to take care of you while I’m out tonight.”I’d rather be on the phone with Alex.
Sebastian cocked his head to the side when he heard Courtney’s name. He had no idea what I was talking about but he knew that I was saying something about her.
I heard a knock at the door and went to answer it with Sebastian still in my arms. He didn’t mind at all that I was carrying him around like a baby. He loved it when I treated him this way.
Courtney was in front of the door, I could see her figure though the glass panel in the door. She was looking over her shoulder when I opened the door. She turned to me and smiled when she saw Sebastian.
“Awe, that’s so adorable.” She smiled wider while rubbing him between his ears.
He licked at her fingers.
“So are you ready for your date?” Courtney asked as I shut the door.
“Yea, I haven’t seen Darren much lately. This will be good.”
“I know. You were talking about how you didn’t get to see him as much anymore. I also recall that you said you felt like you were talking to Alex more than Darren.”
“The last part was unneeded Court.” I sighed putting Sebastian down and going to the fridge to get water.
“Sorry, but you did say it.”
“I know I did.”
“You were just talking to him weren’t you?”
“Yea, I was. Is it a crime to talk to my friend?”
“Only if you’re talking to him more than you’re boyfriend.”
“Darren is working hard at school. He’s got a big test coming up and he’s stuck studying.”
“So you do admit that you’re talking to Alex more.”
“Courtney this isn’t the time. I don’t get why you’re so bent on talking about how Alex is better when at first you were so happy that I had Darren.”
“It’s just that you don’t act the same way around him that you do when around Alex.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well you’re way happier talking about Alex for one. You seem to have trouble talking about Darren for two. For three you just seem like you’re gravitating more towards Alex right now.”
“Are you the only one noticing this?” I asked.
“No.”
“Who else notices then?”
“My mom and your mom.” She said matter-of-factly.
The doorbell rang and it saved me from saying anything more. I walked to get the door because I could see the outline of Darren.
“Hey Babe!” I said opening the door and throwing my arms around Darren’s neck.
“Hey.” He smiled happily and kissed my lips.
“I’ve missed you so much.” I sighed pulling him tighter.
“Same.” He said hugging me back and just standing there holding me.
I kissed his neck a few times while we just stood on the porch hugging. It had been a long time since we’d been able to just be together. The separation was taking a toll on us and I could feel it in the way we had been interacting lately.
“Come in for a moment. I have to grab my purse. Courtney’s here.” I said pulling Darren by his hand into the house.
He followed me happily. I led him to the kitchen and left him there to talk with Courtney while I went to get my purse and phone.
My phone was in the middle of the bed vibrating from a text. I picked it up and opened the phone. It was from Alex, of course. I smiled. When I opened the text a picture of him with a smiling face showed up on my screen. Under the picture read the words, ‘Miss you. See you soon. Call me tomorrow.’
I chose to respond with a picture as well and promised to call him tomorrow. Then I tucked my phone into my pocket so I could know when Alex texted me back and slung my purse over my shoulder.
Courtney and Darren were in the kitchen laughing about something when I came back. I walked up behind Darren and slipped my arms around his waist. He put his arms over mine and smiled at me from over his shoulder.
“Well I guess I’m off Court.” Darren said. “I have a date with my lady that I need to be getting on with.”
“Okay, have fun.” She said allowing us to leave.
Darren and I climbed into his car and pulled out of the parking lot.
Tonight we were headed to a local show that one of his friends was playing with his band. Darren had asked if I wanted to go see them play and I agreed. I liked his friends and I always was up for new music. Besides it was a good chance for him to not have to focus on school and he’s been working so hard to prepare for this huge test.
I reached out and touched his cheek. He smiled at me. I leaned over and kissed his cheek. He turned his head real fast and kissed me back. I stopped after that because I didn’t want to distract him too much. He picked up my hand and drove with the other. I was happy with this compromise and held onto his hand.
“How’s the studying coming along?” I asked.
“I think I’m as ready as I’ll ever be, but let’s not even talk about that. My head is swarming with all these things and I just need to focus on something else before I die.”
“What are you gonna focus on?” I asked just making conversation.
“Well there’s this girl…”
“Oh, she in any of your classes?” I asked playing along.
“Yea, a few. She’s really pretty and really smart.”
“So think about her.”
“I have been this whole time.”
“Who is she? Would I like her?”
“Yea, I think you would like her. I think you know her.” He laughed.
“Who is she?”
“This physics major.”
“Oh.”
He smiled at me when we came to a stop.
“What?”
“Nothing, you just look pretty.”
“That girl’s gonna get jealous if she hears you.”
“That girl is you.” He smiled again.
“Awe.” I played along still.
“Can I have a kiss?”
I leaned in and touched my lips to his. His hand came up and attached to my hair. He held me in place as long as he could. A few seconds later he pulled away despite me trying to stop him. He must have been checking the stoplight because he knew when the light changed.
The venue we stopped at was the same place that All Time Low had played before they had left for Warped Tour. I hadn’t been there since then so I would definitely have some memories I would have to push out of my mind.
This time however we did have to wait in line, there was no list with out names on it. Darren used his fake ID to get in while I just let the doorman mark big black X’s on my hands. I didn’t care but Darren hated having them, plus he wanted a beer. He would probably buy me one if I wanted it too.
There weren’t nearly as many people at this show as there was when All Time Low played here. Maybe more people would come, but it looked like this would be about it. There was a huge open space on the floor that would probably shift when the bands came out, people clung to the sides of the room rather than the front center, and there were a lot of people sitting down. It’s so funny the difference between shows of bands on different levels. People act differently. The other funny thing was that there was more guys here than girls. It was the other way around the last time I was here.
Looking at the stage I could remember Alex up there singing his heart out. I wasn’t able to stop myself before I thought of that kiss that we shared when he hopped off stage and made me sing with him. Just them my phone buzzed. I slipped it out of my pocket and Darren looked to see what I was doing.
“Text.” I said wiggling my phone.
“I’m gonna go get a beer. Want one?”
“Sure. I’m going to go sit over there.” I said pointing to an open table in the back.
“Okay, I’ll meet you there.” He said with a kiss.
We went our separate ways. I say down and looked at my phone. It was Alex again. All he said this time was, “Awe you look so pretty. I wish I were there with you. I wish it was tomorrow right now.”
I couldn’t help but smile like and idiot as I read the text over and over to myself. I responded with something like, “Me too.” and then put my phone back into my pocket.
When I looked up there was this random guy sitting across from me. I looked at him with a raised eyebrow.
“Can I help you?” I asked.
“Just thought I’d keep you company. You’re pretty.”
Just then Darren walked up. He saw what was going on and slid into the seat next to me and looped his arm around my shoulders.
“Here you go baby.” He said putting the beer in front of me and kissing my temple.
“Thanks babe.” I said turning to kiss him on the cheek.
The random guy left and I waited until he was a safe distance away to burst into laughter. It seemed so funny to me. Darren just chuckled slightly and shook his head.
“That was interesting.” I said.
“Yea, I saw him sit down while you were texting and he was just staring at you. I was waiting to see what you would do but you were just texting. Long message?”
“Yea, my mom needed help with some registration form thing.”
Why did I feel like I had to lie to him about talking to Alex?
“Oh, they can be quite complicated.” Darren smiled, swallowing the lie whole.
“So when are your friends going to be on?” I asked sipping my beer.
“Soon. Show is supposed to start at six. It’s five fifty-three.” He said tightening his arm around me and sipping his beer.
“We can get up and go to the front when they come out if you want.”
“After we finish these. I spill when head banging and hold a beer.” He said lifting up his bottle.
“Mmm I can see the problem in that.”
During the whole show all I could do was remember little moments that meant nothing to anyone but me from when All Time Low played here last. There was a wink, a smile, and a kiss that I kept thinking about in particular. There were things that shouldn’t have been on my mind because I was on a date with Darren. All I could do was think about Alex. There had to be something perverse about that.
There was nothing I could do to help it though. I tired and tried to push that boy out of my head and focus on the show but he pushed back with more force. Eventually he won out in my head and I allowed him and his memory to flood my mind so that he filled all corners of it.
After the show I feigned being tired and asked Darren if we could just go home. I told him that I was so tired and thought I was going to pass out. He seemed to be a little thrown off but I assumed it was from the studying and not being together as much as we had been. It would probably take a few days to slip back into our routine.
Darren dropped me off at Alex’s place, somewhere I shouldn’t be. I kissed him good night and got out of his car. He walked up to the door even though we had already said good night and then kissed me again. This one was longer but it seemed devoid of feeling on his part. I was into it, not as much as usual, so he should have felt like he was too.
My phone vibrated. I pulled it out of my pocket to see who it was.
“I guess I’ll see you tomorrow then?” Darren asked hopefully.
“Yea. We should hang out.” I said looking at the text from Alex.
All it contained was a good night message and a picture of him pretending to sleep. I smiled at his picture.
“Alex is so adorable sometimes.” I said showing Darren.
“Yea, real cute.” He rolled his eyes.
“Oh be nice. There’s no competition.” I pushed him lightly.
He laughed and pulled me into a hug.
“There better not be.” He said with more meaning than what he said.
It was the tone of his voice. He seemed as though he was saying that he didn’t like that Alex was texting me. He never used to mind before. Maybe something had changed.
I stood on my toes and planted one more kiss on his lips before turning to go inside the house.
Courtney was curled up on the couch in one of Zack’s old sweatshirts and cuddling Sebastian. As soon as he saw me, Sebastian jumped off the couch and ran over to me wagging like I had been gone for years. Courtney sat up and fixed her hair.
“Hey boy.” I said picking up my favorite puppy. “I missed you.”
He licked my face. I kissed his nose.
“How was he Court?” I asked sitting next to her.
“Fine. You make him sound like he’s usually an unruly three year old.”
“You should see him when Alex is home.” I laughed thinking of all the attention Sebastian demanded from Alex all the time.
I pulled my phone back out and responded to Alex’s text. I said good night and told him that I wished I had the real thing sleeping on the pillow next to me rather than having a picture. He said he wished the same and it ended there. Courtney was too absorbed in the show she was watching to notice.