Sometimes Resisting Is Easier Than Giving In

Time seemed to drag on. One week had passed with the minute distraction of having Courtney with me to suffer the separation that we both hated with all our beings. Of course being around each other wasn’t always the best antidote of the pain. Sometimes we’d just sit and talk about how much we missed our someones. We missed Jack and Rian as well, but that was nothing compared to how we missed our boys.
However, that little distraction was gone since I had taken her to the airport yesterday and stood with her mom in the window as her plane lifted off the runway and flew into the setting sun. She was going to see all of them and I was alone.
As soon as I had returned home I pulled out my books and started studying. I ignored a call for Darren and focused more on studying so that I wouldn’t think of the temptation of a distraction; he was my ex after all.
Today was a new day, and it was going to be worse. I was lying in my bed running over the last week from waking up on New Years to now. I felt like all of that was a weight keeping me in bed and trying to press me to the floor. There was no Sebastian to lick my face and tell me to get out of bed. There was no Alex to curl his arms around me and fight against Sebastian’s wake up call so that we could spend another day together. There was nothing. Everything was up to me today. There wasn’t even Courtney sleeping in one of Zack’s ratty sweatshirts next to me on the other side of Alex’s bed, the side I normally slept on, to remind me that I also had to get her to school.
I sighed and forced myself over the side of the bed almost missing the chance to pull my feet under me and stumbled as I walked to the closet. There was no time for a shower and no time for anything but a chewy bar for breakfast because I had slept in so long. I jumped into my car still chewing on my tiny breakfast and headed to school.
There was just enough time to get to my English class. Then there was an overwhelming sense of I should have stayed home this morning that passed over me. Darren was sitting in his desk right next to mine and he was grinning at me. No doubt he was going to say what he wanted to say last night to me when I had ignored his call.
While sighing I sank into my seat heavily and ran my fingers though my hair. He just beamed at me and waiting.
“What?” I asked.
“Grouchy today?”
I put my head down on my desk and let my hair slid down over my face like a curtain. Darren lifted it up with his pencil. I shut my eyes tighter against the light.
“What.” I said not making it a question.
“How come you didn’t pick up last night?”
“Studying.” I said moving my head so that my hair fell of his pencil.
A second later I sat up and ran my fingers though my hair again.
“Oh, for this midterm today?”
I nodded.
“Afterwards… do you want to chill? I need to get my mind off school.”
“Don’t you have guy friends for that? Doing stupid things with them will probably work much better. I have something I have to study for tomorrow.”
“Well yea, but I want to hang with you.”
“I… I…” I wanted to say I couldn’t. “I don’t know.”
“Please,” He begged, “I’ll do anything.”
When I looked at his face his lower lip was jutting out and his eyes were large. I couldn’t help but be caught in those dark blue eyes. I looked down to his lip that was sagging under the weight of his snakebites.
“Let me think about it.” I said.
That was a good enough answer for him because he leaned back into his seat and slid down a few inches. I hadn’t even noticed that he was leaning closer to me. I had been to caught up in what Alex would think if I asked him if he would mind that I hung out with Darren for a few hours. He would probably hate it and worry the whole time. Should he know? Or should I just go? If Darren got weird I could just leave. I could just meet him somewhere so that I could have the escape of my car. The idea sounded much more appealing now.
The professor walked in and started handing out test booklets and answer sheets. I sighed when my name was called and pushed myself out of my desk to pick up the two items. Then I sagged back into my desk and bent over the work before me.
Towards the end my eyes lids sagged and seemed to be held together by glue. It was so hard to open them. Somehow I was able to keep them open just long enough to turn in my test and get back to my desk. Then I put my head down and fell asleep.
“Emmeline… Emmy.” I heard. “Wake up.”
My eyes fought against the consciousness that I was now feeling as a shake started in my shoulder and rippled down my arm and though my body.
I think I groaned.
“Come on. You know how cute that is. Wake up.”
It was Darren. Darren was touching my shoulder. Darren was talking to me. Darren just called me cute. I gritted my teeth and tried to glare up at him. He just smiled and then I remembered that it was impossible to look angry when I woke up. I remember that I had been told it was really cute when I did that. I cut it out immediately and shoved myself out of the desk.
As I half walked half stumbled out of the class Darren’s arm somehow made its way around my waist. I could feel the sore spots where my body had rested uncomfortably against the desk as we walked. He was touching one on my ribs. I inched my way out of his grasp.
“What?” He asked me.
“Sore spot.” I said.
“Sorry.” He tried to put his arm around me again but I slapped his hand.
“No.” I almost growled.
“Sorry. Did you think about what I offered this morning?”
“No, I was too busy passing a midterm and sleeping.” I said.
“Well can you think about it now? We’re off for the rest of the day.”
“Lat me go home and then I’ll call you. I’ll meet you.” I said branching off away from him.
“Okay, don’t take too long.” He said.
I got into my car and went home. There was no Sebastian to greet me. I sighed. No Alex to kiss me hello. No Jack to smile at me from playing some game. No Rian to give me a hug. Nothing was right. It wouldn’t be for a while.
Alex’s room was the same as I had left it. Bed unmade, clothes on the floor, and a mess of books all over his desk. I dropped everything in my arms on the floor except for my laptop. I laid that on the bed and then started dropping all the clothes I was wearing onto the floor. I went into the bathroom and took a nice long hot shower. That was the most I could do to wake myself up. After that I dried off and wondered into the closet for something new to wear.
All I felt like wearing was a pair of undies and one of Alex’s button down shirts but then remembered what I had said to Darren. I sighed and put clothes that were acceptable to the public on and then went to find my phone. I had to call him and figured it best to not say anything to Alex until after the fact. I didn’t want him to have to worry. Not that there would be anything to worry about.
Darren answered on the first ring. He told me to meet him at the beach. I agreed and then hung up. I thought about taking my bathing suit, but there was no sun and it was kind of cold out. January was not beach weather. So I picked up my car keys and wallet before heading out.
There wasn’t much to think about other than what Darren was going to try and pull on me, though I couldn’t see why he would try anything. He knew how happy I was with Alex and how I wouldn’t even dream of anyone else.
He was there sitting in the sand waiting for me. I walked out to him and sat a foot away.
“Hey.” He smiled.
“Hi.”
I took my shoes off and dug my toes into the sand. Darren watched me with that same smile on his face.
“So, what’s up?” I asked.
“Nothing. I just haven’t seen you in a while. Now that there is the absence of… your distractions I thought it would be a good time to hang.” He said nonchalantly.
I knew what he meant to say, what he really was saying with those words of his. He was saying Now that Alex is gone it’s a good time to hang out. You won’t think of him so much. That was a wrong idea. All I could do was think of him, think of how badly I missed him.
“Alex isn’t a distraction.”
“Yea, okay. Anyways how is all of that studying going for you?” He asked.
“Fine, a little tiring though.” I said resting my cheek on my knees and looking at him.
“I noticed that you were tired.” He said reaching out towards me.
His fingers traced under my eyes. I knew there were dark circles there and that’s what he was using to emphasize his last statement.
“Yea, tired.” I mumbled closing my eyes.
“That’s a shame. I was hoping you’d be more fun today.”
“Why?”
“Well, you’re not the only one who needs to let up a little during all this testing.”
I made a face with my eyes still closed. When his fingers touched my lips my eyes shot open. He withdrew his hand seeing the alarm in my eyes. That was strike one.
He was also closer now, I noted.
“Sorry.” He said quietly.
“No you’re not.”
He didn’t respond, so he wasn’t.
We sat there for a moment and then he was tugging on my hand to get me to stand. I groaned and used as little of the support he was offering me as possible to get up. When I was standing with no indication of a wobble he still didn’t let go of my hand. The second he took a step and I followed he laced his fingers with mine. I pulled my hand back. Strike two. He seemed disappointed.
We walked and made conversation about school first and then friends. I was suspicious of what he was doing and I had a reason to be now. He had two strikes against him that I was counting.
After a while we stopped walking. We were just throwing rocking into the ocean and talking like two friends. Then the rock throwing stopped and he was facing me. We were still talking. He was stepping closer. I was pretending not to be bothered by it. The conversation turned to how our relationship had been. It hurt to talk about that. He was no less than four inches from me. I was slightly less than comfortable. He took a step and leaned into do what I had been anticipating. When he hesitated I took that chance.
“Strike three.” I breathed against his too close lips and then darted away from him and towards my car.
I didn’t hear the sound of feet pursuing me so I slowed to a walk and got into my car. I slipped my shoes back on and drove home.
Alex was less than amused when I told him what had happened. He seemed angry that I had gone to spend alone time with Darren and even angrier about what he’d tried to do.
“Did you at least hit him?” Alex asked.
“No, I thought that would have been to mean.” I said.
“Well I would have.” He muttered.
“I know you would baby. You’re a boy and full of testosterone.”
He laughed at me and then the conversation turned to the warm fuzziness that it did every time he called.

The next day I went though the same motions of debating on getting up, going to class and taking my midterm, I had class, and then I went home to study.
While I was sprawled across the bed in nothing but Alex’s boxers reading though notes I had taken I got an iChat request from Alex. For a moment I deliberated on getting a shirt and then just ignored that thought and accepted that request. The video window opened and said it was connecting. I waited patiently and turned the sound on so that I could hear Alex.
His face came up on the screen and his eyes got as wide as they could do when he realized what I was wearing. Good thing I was lying on my stomach so nothing was actually showing.
“Hey.” I said.
“H-h-hi.” He stuttered.
“Should I put a shirt on?” I asked starting to get up.
“NO!” He said almost like I was taking something vital away from him.
I stayed sitting there for a moment and let him look at me before lying back down.
“So, you got all dressed up for me?” He asked after gaining his composure.
“No, actually I was uncomfortable and chose to get comfortable so that I could focus on studying.”
“Can I hang out with you more often when you’re studying?” He asked wiggling his eyebrows.
I could see in his eyes that he was expecting an immediate shut down since I had been against anything physical with him.
“I don’t know when I’ll be studying again, but sure.”
He lost his composure again and his face lit up with dirty thoughts. They were almost readable on his face. I giggled and blushed.
“So then, how are the midterms coming?” He asked.
“You know, the same. Hard.”
He giggled at my last word.
“Alex!”
He giggled again.
“Ew. Stop thinking about me like that!”
“I’m sorry I can’t help it. You’re practically naked and I’m 21. What do you expect?”
I nodded in agreement and then sat back up to grab a shirt. He made his unhappiness known.
“Save it for when we see each other.” I said.
That sent another flurry of readable dirty thoughts though his mind. I liked that I could tease him so easily now. It was like dangling a treat in front of Sebastian, mean but entertaining.
We talked for maybe two hours before he had to go and I had to sleep. I had one more day of midterms in front of me and then a day to get ready to fly out there and then Alex for a whole week.
Of course I was ready to go and had been since Courtney had left. There wasn’t much to do in the way of packing so the best I could do was take care of myself. I slept as much as possible from the moment I got home from school, I noted that I needed my nails done but decided to leave that for Courtney, and put my suitcase by the door.
All that sleeping that I did before I left and on the plane did nothing for the headache that was coming on. It was getting stronger by the hour and it wasn’t something that I wanted.