You Don't Really Have to Breathe
sex and drugs
The wind was a bit harsher than usual as I rushed from the parking lot to my school entrance. Ugh, it was the very, very beginning of the day that I wasn’t looking forward to. The kids rushed in, impatient at my slow pace, even though it was my quick pace. The school was big enough for the students it held. Brick walls and a row of doors that let children enter the school peacefully without being trampled trying to get to their first period class in time. I on the other hand, strolled in…knowing I would be late anyway. The teachers didn’t even care anymore that I stepped into their classrooms half dazed. It didn’t interrupt their lessons because I was once again unaware to people and their stares as much as they were unaware of me. Instead, I went down to the landing of the stairs, waiting impatiently for my “friend” to show up with my daily dose.
Richard wasn’t that great looking. His skin had that hint of teenage acne and his eyes we’re always squinting. I wasn’t one for the blondes and his hair spiraled out of control trying to cover his scars from the burns… One day, when Richard was thirteen and scared, he held a lighter to his gasoline-covered face waiting for the flames to drown out his pain. I felt for him, and that’s why I’d let him hook up with me more than once. He was funny and I liked that…but still, he wasn’t any friend of mine. Just his heroin was. The halls were cleared and I heard someone clear their throat.
“ Fuck, Rich. Don’t do that.” He’d startled me and I was already past the point of paranoia.
“ Richard? Do you mean… Richard Lansing? You have to be joking Nola, I thought better of you,” the mystery voice whispered into my ear. The air from the words he spoke brushed my neck and the hairs rose in its place. I hadn’t planned any kind of contact with Connor today. I was going to behave today, to avoid him in the office, and here he was. Making me crave non-reality.
“ Umm, yea. Richard… he’s the one with the hook ups. Girls really shouldn’t drive themselves into the deepest parts of the city looking for drugs.” I was acting casual which was different. Had yesterday started something? No, my hopes shouted, “NO!” I can’t handle those hopes Nola. Just excuse yourself.
“ Is that why you stand here everyday?” he laughed. “ I just assumed you had no clue where you were.” He seemed triumphant in degrading me.
“ Well Connor, no. I have my reasons. You should go to class…you don’t want any more trouble…remember?” they were harsh, but my will had to be harsher to not let myself down. Then his face puckered into distress. He was toying with me obviously. Boys want sex and drugs. Sex and drugs.
“ I’ll wait thank you. I could use some myself. I know just where to do it, shall I show you?”
“ Or shall I show you? You do get into more trouble than me. My spot is perfect.”
And then Richard came into view, sad puppy looking. He gave me forties worth and I thanked him with a few flutters of my eyelashes and a grin. When he left, I started moving fluidly not caring anymore if Connor was following or not. Here we go Nola, everything is going to be fine now. You can inhale again.
The auditorium was lit up only to the stage, and the stage crosswalk that hung above all the seats swayed as I walked through the passageway and onto the unstable platform. I felt footsteps behind me, so Connor had followed. I plopped myself down and got to work. It was beautiful. Everything about it was so damn beautiful.
“ Woah, woah, woah there. You’re not injecting it are you? Don’t do it please, please don’t,” he whispered as he tried coaxing me out of heaven once a fuckingain.
“ No, we don’t have time for that. Do you know anything? If I cooked up here…we’d be slaughtered.” His all of a sudden sympathy for me threw me back a few strides, why did he care what I did anyway? He was just another junkie looking for his next junkie fix. Connor made me keep questioning my sanity, as I checked and re-checked it.
“ All right, you’ll give me some if I pay right.” It was a statement. He wasn’t letting me go anywhere unless I gave him something. What could I do now but throw myself off the landing? So I set him up a few lines.
“You didn’t notice I gave you your own?” I lolled on the landing getting ready to feel, relaxing on my elbows and stretching out my legs. The question was heated because if he hadn’t I was sure to be pissed at myself for wasting perfectly good stuff.
“ Yea, I noticed…but, you could imagine me being a little hesitant after you taking it…” he reminded me with embarrassment. Woops, bad stuff. I got all sour then, realizing I could have killed him. How much more possibly stupid could I get? Then I felt the drip, and decided I would pass it off. I didn’t have time for remorse now. “ I am sorry about that you know, not bringing you anywhere, I just froze up and…” he faded off into oblivion. As I had suspected…Connor wasn’t quite used to my lifestyle.
“ Good shit huh, Connor? Wanna bash poor Richard some more?”
“ Wow, really, I mean wow. This…is…better than anything.” He breathed in deeply and let it all fall out of him in one big movement.
“ Mmm, I know. I’m not going to class, I wasn’t planning on it, but you should go. You don’t need anymore trouble young man,” I laughed out loud. Or I think I did, because once again it was slowly taking over, so I sniffed in deeply, stronger, to clear out the system.
“ I don’t think I could even move if I wanted to,” the words flew out in a rush and I felt them settle on my skin, comforting me. He didn’t want to leave, then.
“Excuse me young lady. How many times must I repeat, if you think you can sleep in my class, you must think again?” Mr. Pratt huffed. His chubby little fingers prattled against my desk, and I was withdrawn from the world. I was gone, out, lights out. So it didn’t bother me that I could see his sweaty armpit stains or smell them. It didn’t bother me that I had looked around for an excuse and found most of the class gawking at my appearance, or lack of moral values. It didn’t bother me, that nothing bothered me.
“ Wake up!” he cried impatiently.
I sat up and stupidly spat out groggily, “ Please Jeff, DON’T,” still half out of it. And then, more looks came. Half were laughing half were frightened and broken…including my teacher.
“ Ms. Ryder? It’s all right. You’re fine. Just please… keep awake in my class,” he said sympathetically. Then he backed away not turning around, just watching me. I jumped up, not wanting pity bullshit being thrown at me.
“ I need to go to the nurse,” I said, throwing all looks out the window. As I opened the door to the hallway, a light scent I recognized blew past me. I followed it, all the while ranting in my head about stupid peers and self-destruction. I hated them all with such a furious passion it burned in me, through my veins making my heart pump faster. I hated anyone who looked my way and when I reached the end of the hallway, I turned and saw a poor little freshman gazing at my disorderly expression. It all fell apart then.
“ What the fuck do you think you’re looking at? A fucking animal in a zoo?” I shouted. No one was here. I could vent my anger and get away with it if I wanted too. This little girl had no idea that the tech wing ended abruptly, with no teachers nearby to help. I on the other hand, was blissfully aware of the fact. I raised my fist and pounded into the brick wall oh the hallway. She was lucky it wasn’t her face. Slowly, just as my teacher had, she backed away gazing all the while.
“ I said what the fuck are you looking at little girl,” anger poured out of my mouth and drowned the hallway. Two other freshmen at their lockers were all of a sudden in a rush to get to class. Again, the same scent hit hard.
“ Nola? It’s me, Amber.” Her forehead creased with anxiety, and the wrinkles ran all up and down her face. “ Nola, what’s wrong?”
“ I don’t know any Amber!” I had. A while ago.
“ Of course you do, what is wrong with you? It’s me, Amber, your-!” she shrieked. The words pounded over and over against my eardrum. I knew her? Since when? I had no one, and no one forever till I died. I looked over her face, trying to recognize something but all that popped up were syringes and lines as far as thy eye could see. My knees began to wobble uncontrollably, pulling me to earth’s surface. I went willingly knowing all too readily that a black out was in order.
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I sat up on a cloud, just watching patiently. Waiting to emerge from blackness was an unnerving thing. Sitting there, not quite sure if your body will betray you and pull the blackness out from under you leaving you to fall endlessly. Or will it push you back up to the surfaces edge, leaving you to breathe. Sadly, to me at least, I was never left to fall. Falling is easy. Climbing air is hard. Breathing is hard. Dreaming is easy. And so I watched what I was sent here to watch, in the deepest corner of my mind. Was I going insane? Ha, I was already there.
Below me, cars drove by with little children behind the wheel. Every one of them swerving side to side, scarcely missing a cliff’s edge. A hundred miles per hour and they all were safe. They climbed a hill, and disappeared over the top, landing into oblivion. A few seconds later, one car caught my attention, the red sleek paint job and fastback was memorable. I remembered it. I remembered the leathery oil smell of the seats and dashboard and the somewhat tinted windows, allowing the light to be filtered to dusk. I felt the heat of the sun-bathed seats warm me as I pressed myself back into it. And all I could think was, “not now.” I was myself but smaller, wrapped in danger in this fast paced car. My right hand was bleeding, and as always I adored the way the deep red trickled over the hairs and dripped constantly on my clothes, making a perfectly ugly stain. I looked over to see who my companion was, to see who was driving my destiny and couldn’t find a face. A girl in the backseat bounced up and down with enthusiasm talking a million words per minute. Her long waves of golden hair flew back and forth as she swayed her head to the music. I quickly became jealous of her brilliance and her ease and returned to glaring out the window. I could see houses pass by in slow motion, though we we’re moving at a deadly speed.
“ Oh no! Watch out-!” the girl screamed in horror. I wondered idly, what could possibly ruin this girl’s day? So I glanced out the windshield, only to mock her alarm with perfect refinement. There was a wall coming fast. The driver all of a sudden turned to look at me, eyes piercing hard. His mouth turned up at the corners into a devilish grin.
“ We all die sometime,” he said with complete callousness. The involuntary shiver that ran up my spine told me danger was here and there was no avoiding it…I just had to go, and accept that I’d leave my family my friends my loves, behind. All to unwillingly, I finally realized I had no one…that I’d die alone.
I wasn’t screaming when the car hit hard, my body still moving though the now hunk of metal stopped immediately. I was smiling, at peace that there would be no pain, my face spiraling towards the wall.
Richard wasn’t that great looking. His skin had that hint of teenage acne and his eyes we’re always squinting. I wasn’t one for the blondes and his hair spiraled out of control trying to cover his scars from the burns… One day, when Richard was thirteen and scared, he held a lighter to his gasoline-covered face waiting for the flames to drown out his pain. I felt for him, and that’s why I’d let him hook up with me more than once. He was funny and I liked that…but still, he wasn’t any friend of mine. Just his heroin was. The halls were cleared and I heard someone clear their throat.
“ Fuck, Rich. Don’t do that.” He’d startled me and I was already past the point of paranoia.
“ Richard? Do you mean… Richard Lansing? You have to be joking Nola, I thought better of you,” the mystery voice whispered into my ear. The air from the words he spoke brushed my neck and the hairs rose in its place. I hadn’t planned any kind of contact with Connor today. I was going to behave today, to avoid him in the office, and here he was. Making me crave non-reality.
“ Umm, yea. Richard… he’s the one with the hook ups. Girls really shouldn’t drive themselves into the deepest parts of the city looking for drugs.” I was acting casual which was different. Had yesterday started something? No, my hopes shouted, “NO!” I can’t handle those hopes Nola. Just excuse yourself.
“ Is that why you stand here everyday?” he laughed. “ I just assumed you had no clue where you were.” He seemed triumphant in degrading me.
“ Well Connor, no. I have my reasons. You should go to class…you don’t want any more trouble…remember?” they were harsh, but my will had to be harsher to not let myself down. Then his face puckered into distress. He was toying with me obviously. Boys want sex and drugs. Sex and drugs.
“ I’ll wait thank you. I could use some myself. I know just where to do it, shall I show you?”
“ Or shall I show you? You do get into more trouble than me. My spot is perfect.”
And then Richard came into view, sad puppy looking. He gave me forties worth and I thanked him with a few flutters of my eyelashes and a grin. When he left, I started moving fluidly not caring anymore if Connor was following or not. Here we go Nola, everything is going to be fine now. You can inhale again.
The auditorium was lit up only to the stage, and the stage crosswalk that hung above all the seats swayed as I walked through the passageway and onto the unstable platform. I felt footsteps behind me, so Connor had followed. I plopped myself down and got to work. It was beautiful. Everything about it was so damn beautiful.
“ Woah, woah, woah there. You’re not injecting it are you? Don’t do it please, please don’t,” he whispered as he tried coaxing me out of heaven once a fuckingain.
“ No, we don’t have time for that. Do you know anything? If I cooked up here…we’d be slaughtered.” His all of a sudden sympathy for me threw me back a few strides, why did he care what I did anyway? He was just another junkie looking for his next junkie fix. Connor made me keep questioning my sanity, as I checked and re-checked it.
“ All right, you’ll give me some if I pay right.” It was a statement. He wasn’t letting me go anywhere unless I gave him something. What could I do now but throw myself off the landing? So I set him up a few lines.
“You didn’t notice I gave you your own?” I lolled on the landing getting ready to feel, relaxing on my elbows and stretching out my legs. The question was heated because if he hadn’t I was sure to be pissed at myself for wasting perfectly good stuff.
“ Yea, I noticed…but, you could imagine me being a little hesitant after you taking it…” he reminded me with embarrassment. Woops, bad stuff. I got all sour then, realizing I could have killed him. How much more possibly stupid could I get? Then I felt the drip, and decided I would pass it off. I didn’t have time for remorse now. “ I am sorry about that you know, not bringing you anywhere, I just froze up and…” he faded off into oblivion. As I had suspected…Connor wasn’t quite used to my lifestyle.
“ Good shit huh, Connor? Wanna bash poor Richard some more?”
“ Wow, really, I mean wow. This…is…better than anything.” He breathed in deeply and let it all fall out of him in one big movement.
“ Mmm, I know. I’m not going to class, I wasn’t planning on it, but you should go. You don’t need anymore trouble young man,” I laughed out loud. Or I think I did, because once again it was slowly taking over, so I sniffed in deeply, stronger, to clear out the system.
“ I don’t think I could even move if I wanted to,” the words flew out in a rush and I felt them settle on my skin, comforting me. He didn’t want to leave, then.
“Excuse me young lady. How many times must I repeat, if you think you can sleep in my class, you must think again?” Mr. Pratt huffed. His chubby little fingers prattled against my desk, and I was withdrawn from the world. I was gone, out, lights out. So it didn’t bother me that I could see his sweaty armpit stains or smell them. It didn’t bother me that I had looked around for an excuse and found most of the class gawking at my appearance, or lack of moral values. It didn’t bother me, that nothing bothered me.
“ Wake up!” he cried impatiently.
I sat up and stupidly spat out groggily, “ Please Jeff, DON’T,” still half out of it. And then, more looks came. Half were laughing half were frightened and broken…including my teacher.
“ Ms. Ryder? It’s all right. You’re fine. Just please… keep awake in my class,” he said sympathetically. Then he backed away not turning around, just watching me. I jumped up, not wanting pity bullshit being thrown at me.
“ I need to go to the nurse,” I said, throwing all looks out the window. As I opened the door to the hallway, a light scent I recognized blew past me. I followed it, all the while ranting in my head about stupid peers and self-destruction. I hated them all with such a furious passion it burned in me, through my veins making my heart pump faster. I hated anyone who looked my way and when I reached the end of the hallway, I turned and saw a poor little freshman gazing at my disorderly expression. It all fell apart then.
“ What the fuck do you think you’re looking at? A fucking animal in a zoo?” I shouted. No one was here. I could vent my anger and get away with it if I wanted too. This little girl had no idea that the tech wing ended abruptly, with no teachers nearby to help. I on the other hand, was blissfully aware of the fact. I raised my fist and pounded into the brick wall oh the hallway. She was lucky it wasn’t her face. Slowly, just as my teacher had, she backed away gazing all the while.
“ I said what the fuck are you looking at little girl,” anger poured out of my mouth and drowned the hallway. Two other freshmen at their lockers were all of a sudden in a rush to get to class. Again, the same scent hit hard.
“ Nola? It’s me, Amber.” Her forehead creased with anxiety, and the wrinkles ran all up and down her face. “ Nola, what’s wrong?”
“ I don’t know any Amber!” I had. A while ago.
“ Of course you do, what is wrong with you? It’s me, Amber, your-!” she shrieked. The words pounded over and over against my eardrum. I knew her? Since when? I had no one, and no one forever till I died. I looked over her face, trying to recognize something but all that popped up were syringes and lines as far as thy eye could see. My knees began to wobble uncontrollably, pulling me to earth’s surface. I went willingly knowing all too readily that a black out was in order.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I sat up on a cloud, just watching patiently. Waiting to emerge from blackness was an unnerving thing. Sitting there, not quite sure if your body will betray you and pull the blackness out from under you leaving you to fall endlessly. Or will it push you back up to the surfaces edge, leaving you to breathe. Sadly, to me at least, I was never left to fall. Falling is easy. Climbing air is hard. Breathing is hard. Dreaming is easy. And so I watched what I was sent here to watch, in the deepest corner of my mind. Was I going insane? Ha, I was already there.
Below me, cars drove by with little children behind the wheel. Every one of them swerving side to side, scarcely missing a cliff’s edge. A hundred miles per hour and they all were safe. They climbed a hill, and disappeared over the top, landing into oblivion. A few seconds later, one car caught my attention, the red sleek paint job and fastback was memorable. I remembered it. I remembered the leathery oil smell of the seats and dashboard and the somewhat tinted windows, allowing the light to be filtered to dusk. I felt the heat of the sun-bathed seats warm me as I pressed myself back into it. And all I could think was, “not now.” I was myself but smaller, wrapped in danger in this fast paced car. My right hand was bleeding, and as always I adored the way the deep red trickled over the hairs and dripped constantly on my clothes, making a perfectly ugly stain. I looked over to see who my companion was, to see who was driving my destiny and couldn’t find a face. A girl in the backseat bounced up and down with enthusiasm talking a million words per minute. Her long waves of golden hair flew back and forth as she swayed her head to the music. I quickly became jealous of her brilliance and her ease and returned to glaring out the window. I could see houses pass by in slow motion, though we we’re moving at a deadly speed.
“ Oh no! Watch out-!” the girl screamed in horror. I wondered idly, what could possibly ruin this girl’s day? So I glanced out the windshield, only to mock her alarm with perfect refinement. There was a wall coming fast. The driver all of a sudden turned to look at me, eyes piercing hard. His mouth turned up at the corners into a devilish grin.
“ We all die sometime,” he said with complete callousness. The involuntary shiver that ran up my spine told me danger was here and there was no avoiding it…I just had to go, and accept that I’d leave my family my friends my loves, behind. All to unwillingly, I finally realized I had no one…that I’d die alone.
I wasn’t screaming when the car hit hard, my body still moving though the now hunk of metal stopped immediately. I was smiling, at peace that there would be no pain, my face spiraling towards the wall.
♠ ♠ ♠
This happened.