I Ain't Your Cute Little Sex Toy

Why was I starring at her again? After two years, two heart breaks, and no communication, why did she have to show up here? Oh, I forgot; she lives in New York. So then...why am I here? Why am I in the city that never sleeps, where she belongs? I certainly don't have any shows to be at, and I don't have any reason to actually be in New York.

I could be at home, in Jersey. I could be with Mikey and Alicia. I could be doing what I want to do, and not having my heart break again. I could be hundreds of miles away, drawing and making music with my band.

But no; I'm sitting in a cafe in the middle of New York, watching the woman whom I had thought was the one for me make flirty faces and voices at some other man. It was hurting me, and I could feel my whole self breaking inside.

Why didn't I just leave? Was it because I hadn't seen Lindsey in two years, and even this type of contact was enough for that particular moment? Was it because all I wanted to do was undress her on the way up the stairs to her apartment?

Oh, I'm such a perv. I'm hitting on the girl that broke me in half (though I couldn't say I didn't do the same) almost two years ago. I can't really blame myself; she's fucking hot, and being with a guy that wasn't me was making her even hotter. I wanted her more, though I knew I couldn't have her.

We've been apart for two years. She could be married to him for all I know. Or, to my fortunate luck, she could just be on a harmless date. Harmless to who, you ass? Stupid head-voices. They were always criticizing me!

Oh, how I wish I could be the one putting that smile on her face. I wish I could be the one sitting across that table from her, holding her hand and telling her things I know she'd want to hear. We had only been dating for two years before we broke up, so why did I let it happen? I knew, somewhere inside of me, that I would want this; that I would want her back some day.

Why, oh why, did I let her go then? Why did I push her away the way I did? Someone like that-someone so unforgettable and loving and .....and absolutely perfect-only comes once in a life time, and I screwed up already! Stupid fuck-up, Gee. And, if you don't stop starring soon, she's bound to notice you.

Good. Let her see me. Let her face turn to shock, in the amazingly adorable way it always did when I surprised her. Why was I here again?

Gerard Arthur Way, get your ass out of this fucking cafe before she sees you, you dumb fuck! Stupid head-voice again! Why don't you just shut up! I'm allowed to be wherever I want, whenever I want, and I'm allowed to look at whoever I want! Lindsey is exactly the kind of woman I wouldn't mind....actually, she's the kind of person I want to look at for the rest of my life. Why did that take me four years to figure that out?

I pulled one of my ear phones out. Silverstein was all of the sudden too loud for me. Actually, Shane Told's screaming was getting in the way of me trying toeaves droplisten on Lindsey's conversation with this...guy. I needed to know what he was saying; one day he wouldn't matter anyway. Hopefully, I'd grow a pair and walk over to her soon, cutting their little...date short.

I would never do that. It would make Lindsey sad, and uncomfortable. I'm telling you! Just leave while you can, Way. My head voice really, really needs to shut up. I need it to leave me alone, so I can make my own conscience decisions.

I sighed again. If I didn't do something, anything soon, I'd go crazy. So, I stood. I just kind of lifted my knees, then locked them. I didn't want to go anywhere, but I needed to move. I felt like an idiot; this woman, the woman of my dreams, was never going to take me back. Why did I seriously think I had even the slightest chance?

"She has me like a pieces when, you turn black. Hey, hey, I got a new complaint. Forever in debt to your priceless advice," my ring tone went off. Nirvana blasted through the small cafe, drawing way too much attention to me. Who was calling me now, anyway? Mikey, of course.

I pushed ignore, then slipped my phone into my pocket before hurrying out of the cafe. Whether Lindsey saw me or not, I didn't know. She might as well have; my stupid brother's call was loud enough for people behind the counter to hear. I shook my head in the cold, late-winter air of New York. Again, what am I doing here? I obviously don't belong in this state, my home is New Jersey.

I turned around at the very wrong time then. Lindsey walked out of the cafe, her black heels that matched her green and black skirt and low, v-cut black shirt pushing hard against the ground. She was mad, for reasons I couldn't quite understand yet. Her face was scrunched up into that...really sexy way it always did whens he was mad, and her fists were clenched tight as her elbows locked by her sides.

"What are you doing here?!" she said through clenched teeth. I just stared at her, my on-going battle in my head finally ceasing. I had her, less than two feet away from me. My head was screaming to smile, though her anger was really.......turning me on. But I couldn't anger her more and smirk; emotions weren't something to mess with when it came to Lindsey Ballato.

"Drinking....coffee?" I questioned. I held up my cup of what was steaming-hot white chocolate mocha, but now that it was lukewarm there was an absence of familiar steam. Her beautiful eyes were full of fire, but not hatred. She was frustrated, and really sad that I had shown up.

"No, Gerard. What are you doing in New York? Especially when you know I live here?" she asked. Her make up didn't do a thing for her looks-her beauty always shone through anything she put on. She was a natural beauty, and I think the only reason she ever wore make up was to boost her self-confidence. If I had my way, I'd never let her touch anything synthetic for her body; she's perfect to me. But I don't have my way, because she's here with someone else.

"You know, I really have no clue. I was just...kind of driving and ended up here." I was being honest, and by the way she sort of relaxed told me my eyes let her know that. She could see into my soul anyway; she always could, and always would be able to. Somehow, however, she wasn't buying my story. She knew my honesty was my greatest attribute, and she still doubted me?

"You're unbelievable, Way. I can't comprehend why else you'd come all the way out here to have coffee! Listen, if this is about us, we're over. You said it yourself; you don't feel the same way you did when we started-"

"Lindsey, this has almost nothing to do with us. Like I said, I don't know why I came out here." Her face twisted into aggravation. I knew she was just as fucked in the head as I was as to why I was here. I couldn't help it, though. I let my feet do the pedal-pushing and my hands do the steering after I got on '95.

"I don't believe you. I can't.....I just don't understand your audacity! I'm here on a fucking date, and you show up to ruin it!" My mouth dropped for a moment, but then I decided not to look like a fish let a lone a complete fool, in front of my ex girlfriend. "Why don't you just leave?"

"First off, Miss Ballato, I'm not here to ruin any date of yours!" I said. I didn't make an advance on her, and my hands stayed where they were. "Why don't you believe me? Why are you so stuck on yourself to think that I'd be here for you?" I spat. I would have turned around, had the date that had been with Lindsey approached us.

"Linds, you 'kay? This dude isn't-"

"Mars, please." Mars? His name is Mars? I guess it fits him; his plaid skinnies were so...Shrek, and paired with his Rancid shirt and pleather jacket, and Doc Martins, he was your typical punk that no one liked. "I need to handle this on my own."

The dude shrugged, then walked away. "I'm gone," I said, turning to my car without a second glance. Lindsey didn't make any noise as I did so, and I took the opportunity to let out a heavy sigh I'd been holding in for quite a while now.

-Two Years Later, again.-

What am I doing here? I belong in New York, not Jersey. I'm doing the exact same thing Gerard had done two years ago, only now he seemed really happy with the girl he was with. Maybe he wasn't with her at all, but just dancing to be polite.

Jealousy coursed through me. Two years ago, he was where I am now. I deserve this emotion of pure hatred and want and greed. I turned my head, leaning back on the bar. "Another?" the bar tender asked. I shook my head, pushing my empty glass back at him before standing up. Who was I kidding?

Gerard obviously didn't want me like he did before.

Before opening the door to the bar, I took one last look at Gerard and that girl. He looked happy, and I thought that maybe that was how it was supposed to be. Maybe I was fighting fate to try and win him back.

I can choose my destiny, but fate is planned by a higher power.

I sighed, knowing that this was the last time I'd ever intentionally see Gerard Way. I shoved my hands into my pockets of my black pea coat, and held my head low. I didn't want to cry, but knowing I was loosing the one guy I could see myself with for the rest of eternity had set my emotions into hyper drive.

While my life turned itself upside down, and as my mind spiraled down into the beginning of a serious case of depression, I bumped into someone. "Sorry," I quickly apologized, my voice full of morbid surprise. I didn't even look up at the person until they called my name.

"Lindsey?"

I looked up and turned around, stunned to see Mikey Way watching me from the ground on which I had knocked him over. My eyes widened, knowing I'd been caught. I had to get out of there fast. "I'm sorry," I said again. I felt one cold, regrettable tear fall from my face before turning away.

I hurried around the corner of the bar, but Mikey had gotten much, much faster. He caught up to me in no time, and somehow I was sort of comforted by his presence. Maybe I was just desperate to, in some way, be as close to Gerard as I could, but Mikey was only his brother. I've got to be going insane.

"Linds, wait!" he said, holding onto my arm. I turned on my own; just because Mikey was faster, it didn't make his upper body strength any stronger. "What are you doing here? Why aren't you in there, dancing with Gee?"

Did he not get the memo that, four years ago, I stormed out of the apartment?

"I-I....M-Mikey, I can't......Gee doesn't....He's dancing with-"

"You have no idea how glad I am to see you! You have to save him from that awful bitch! She's horrid, and he's only dating her because he's not dating you. I really, really need you to get your ass back in there and-"

"Michael James Way, there is absolutely not a thing you could do or say to get me back in there! I can't talk to him; he's got that...awful bitch now. If he wants me, he'll call, or stalk me like he did two years-"

"I guess we're not going to let each other finish our sentences anymore. Anyway, if you decide that you're not going back in there on your own, I'll gladly drag you by your-"

"I guess you're right about the sentence thing. And judging by the strength in your fingers, there's no way I won't be able to fight you off. Bye, Mikey." I pulled my arm free of his and headed down the side of the building to my car. I could hear Mikey start to heave, but I knew it was just because he was torn. Should I go get Gee, or should I drag Lindsey?, I could bet money that that was what he was thinking.

"Come on, Lindsey! He needs you! This girl is...she's trash, for one! Her 'daddy' owns a Seven Eleven, for Christ's sake!" I looked away from him, not wanting to give in. But my feet were disagreeing with my head. They turned me around and headed straight back into the bar, Mikey chuckling all the while following me.

I stormed into the bar, and instantly saw that...trashy whore pressed up against Gerard. His face was utter astonishment, as he stiffened and looked straight at me. I wasn't glaring at him, but I'm sure that's how he took it. His cherry-red headed bimbo opened her eyes and looked straight at me.

Mikey was right; she was trash. Her hair was...in every direction, a seriously sad attempt at trying to flat iron such a ragged mess. Her white shirt was obviously see through, and she wasn't wearing a bra. Her Daisy Dukes were too short, and her thighs were too small to actually fill the legs in, and her ass was, well flat. You can bet your fucking rights that I was glaring at her.

She must have noticed that Gerard had stopped grinding his body into her ass, because she turned around and saw his gaze that was starring right at me. Her eyes found me, and she sized me up like she was the Queen of Spain. Oh no, bitch. It's on now.

Watch me as I storm over to this bitch and rip every single red hair out of her roots. "Lindsey, don't." Gerard had his hand out, holding me back by my chest. He dropped the trailer trash girl and let her fall to the floor, then took one step towards me. "You left four years ago, and then pushed me away two years ago. What is it that you could possibly want with me now?"

The bitch stood up and put her skanky arm around Gerard, but he tried to shrug her off. I knew the face he was making; he didn't need nor want any of her input here. "Back off, whore," she slurred. I just smiled evilly at her. With one push of my index finger, she was off balance and stumbling back onto the floor.

"Keep your mouth shut, trash." My smirk faded the instant I met Gee's gaze. He was both disappointed and gleeful at the same time. Was that even possible? In in instant before I could even consider the answer to such a question, he had his arms around me and his lips against mine. And suddenly, my mind was racing and my heart was right there with it. My hand were finding their way to his face, as his wrapped around me fully.

How romantic; kissing the guy I will love for the rest of my life on a dance floor in a bar?