Beyond the World

The doctor who shoved Tom and his baby girl away immediately reached for the electric defibrillator, grabbing the two paddles as the nurse on standby quickly flipped the switch. No one spoke or breathed a word as they kept their fingers crossed, watching the experienced medical staff carry out standard procedures to try and rescue her.

“Ready,” the doctor said firmly, not blinking. He held the paddles in the air in front of him, signaling his preparedness.

“No…” Tom groaned from behind him, his grip on Nikole as tight as ever as the child lay innocently asleep. “No, Goddamn. No . . . please.”

The young man turned away momentarily from Heidi as if he was doubtful that this was actually happening. Resuscitating Heidi? Tom never dreamt it, simply because he never saw this part coming. Why couldn’t she just have fallen asleep and wake up after? His head was swimming with thoughts, and one of the many started to scream out at him. She can’t die, he thought. She can’t.

“Check,” the nurse replied sharply, and the doctor collided the two paddles for a test shock. There was a startling reaction that the doctor very strictly restrained himself from jumping back from, and Tom ignored every bit of it as he kept his eyes firmly on his fiancée. Please, he thought. Please. The other nurse quickly encouraged the rest of the family members back. Philipp had a considerably hard time holding his wife up.

Out of a sudden, the door flung open and Simone entered the room. “What happened?” She asked frantically. No one turned to give her attention, and she immediately ran to Tom’s side. She could see that her son was entirely staggered at the display before him, and she immediately made sense of everything. It was just seconds before that the young woman was speaking, and now this? Simone could not understand. Her eyes straightaway welled up to the brim, her grip on her son’s arm tightening with the doctor’s every action to save the poor mother of Nikole.

“Clear!” The doctor shouted, demanding everyone to be away from him. He pressed the two paddles down onto either sides of Heidi’s non-beating heart, delivering a high-voltage current of almost four thousand volts in hopes of jolting her back to life.

Tom watched hopelessly and forlornly, as the doctor tried to do his job. The young man was shaking, and shaking furiously, his face contorted into a deep, depressing frown full of pain and anguish. His audible sobs were jumpy and irregular, but nothing compared to Maria’s.

The mother of his fiancée was whimpering consistently, her blue eyes trying to make sense of what was happening through the blurriness that was the wateriness. Tom kept utterly silent, almost dumbfounded, merely raising little Nikole up to his face and pressing his lips against her. His swollen brown eyes stared down at the doctor as he sent another four thousand volts through the lifeless body. Simone’s red eyes watered inevitably, her arms tightly around Tom’s waist and the little child. She squeezed them shut, the nurse in front of her son and her having her hands held out so that the doctor had space.

And the third and final defibrillation was done. Tom was unable to comprehend the machine, but he knew it was unsuccessful because his fiancée was still lifeless. He shook his head furiously and his dreads swiveled around, his darkened eyes welling up dramatically as he stared at the machine that gave him an unsatisfactory response. “No..!” In a split moment of furious disbelief, he blew up and shouted at the doctor. “DO IT AGAIN!” He hollered, demanding more defibrillation. “AGAIN! AGAIN!”

Nikole stirred in her sleep with a face filled with disturbance and fear. Hearing her father’s voice in such anger definitely made her little heart beat extra fast. Tom’s mother realized her granddaughter’s reaction, and she knew she had to do something. “TOM!” Simone raised her voice at him as she held his arm back. Despite shaking with intimidation, the woman quickly grabbed her granddaughter from her enraged elder son. “Tom, please!” Tom stared despairingly through watery eyes at the perturbed old man, his face reddened with craze. It wasn’t long before the child awoke with a startled cry.

The chaos pierced everyone’s ears, one loud sound after another, and Maria covered her face and dropped to the ground while Philipp went down with her, his own strength failing. “No..!” Maria wept into her husband’s arms.

“YOU CANNOT—YOU CANNOT TAKE HER AWAY FROM ME!” Tom cried out, his fists clenched until they turned white, and he raised them alongside his face and rubbed angrily. He couldn’t take it, and he dropped to the floor on his behind. He was on the floor, burying his face in between his knees, his hands on the back of his neck as he tightened his grip on himself. “This . . . this is not fair,” he choked out inaudibly. “It’s not fair.” He rocked gently back and forth, trying to console himself as tears rolled down his face while he tried to control himself. He was trying very hard not to vent his anger elsewhere other than internally.

The doctor and the nurses stared at the piteous young man and the family. The older man in the white coat shook his head sorrily. His patience was starting to wear thin with the constant wailing of the poor Nikole, whom Simone was trying her best to console with soothing rubs, as she herself maintained her composure despite crying endlessly. Tom was breathing short and fast, and he found it difficult to speak and he refrained himself from doing so, lips downturned to project his agony.

Maria turned to see her granddaughter, and forced herself up to carry the girl in her arms, collapsing on a chair as her husband Philipp made sure she knew what she was doing. With comforting pats, the mother of the newly deceased tried her best to calm the child down as Tom was heavily distracted.

“This isn’t happening,” Tom mumbled with a subtly vibrating lower jaw after he forced himself up after what seemed like a wear ten minutes of letting everything sink in. He forced himself up and stumbled upon the bed, leaning on the young woman’s lifeless body. Nikole’s crying was white noise to him at that moment when his eyes only saw Heidi. “Baby, please . . . please, wake up—”

His head was against Heidi’s chest, and he could hear his mother’s voice. “Nikole is crying, Tom!” Simone told him firmly. He had his responsibility after all, as a father, and it was evident that he wasn’t entirely ready to commit to taking care of a baby since he had just experienced two deaths in a short period of time. “Tom, please!”

Tom nodded distractedly, his eyes still fixated on his wife, her hand tightly in his pressed against his lips. Just seconds ago, it seemed so promising. It was obvious how much Markus to Heidi. Tom thought about everything that happened just moments ago, and how she told him she loved him. They were her last words, and Tom unavoidably had to respond to her once more, assuring her soul that she was to be forever loved by him. Everyone knew how Tom would have felt right there and then, but nobody would ever know how much it hurt physically. The newfound ache in his heart pained him terribly, but he could do little about it but face the beautiful, pale young blonde that was Heidi, the girl who was almost his wife.

“I love you, Heidi,” Tom cried against the young woman, his body shaking. “I love you so much.” He had his eyes closed as he let out a few heavy snivels, groaning incoherently under his breath. There were so many things left unsaid, and he wished he had more time with her. He then thought of what he had left of his little family—Nikole. She was all of what was left of his time with Heidi and Markus.

“I’m sorry,” the doctor mumbled with a hand softly on Tom’s shoulder.

The room was still except for Nikole’s crying, which lowered from bawling to soft crying. And soon, it was almost silent. Simone put down her hands from her face after her crying, and she turned to see that her son had retrieved Nikole in his arms.

For a long time, everyone stayed in their positions, simply drowning themselves in their thoughts. Tom just couldn’t yet stomach the fact that Heidi had passed away. He couldn’t yet believe that he would never see her smile at him again. The doctor stared sideways at him, making sure there wasn’t going to be any unexpected drama from him. He was afraid Tom would trash the whole room and hurt the innocent baby in the middle of it. This was a hospital. He didn’t want any more casualties.

Maria and Philipp went forth to kiss their daughter goodbye before the doctor covered Heidi’s face with a sheet. Tom gritted his teeth and stared with such restrained misery as Heidi’s beautiful face disappeared from plain view. He could no longer live, he thought, as his tears flowed, being consumed with the thoughts of Heidi no longer being there.

Nikole’s eyes were wide open as she fidgeted slightly, and those lovely chocolate browns were red from crying, mirroring how her father’s exactly were, tear-filled but none rolled down their faces. Tom was in a total shock, stunned, in disbelief despite the torment in his heart already beginning. Simone stared at her young granddaughter, giving her a soft kiss on the temple before Tom turned and left the room without a word. She was most afraid of how her distraught son was going to handle Nikole from now on. Her head hurt so much, and she wished none of this ever happened.

* * *

Bill’s eyes were glowing with melancholic distress, and he was unable to eat, just like Tom since he heard the news. He was, first of all, enraged that he wasn’t told on the spot. The twins had quarreled briefly about that while Simone was locked away in her guest room with Nikole in her arms, trying to sleep the rest of the morning away. It had been a most weary day for all of them, and certainly too much to handle, especially for Tom.

It was about nine in the morning when Bill and Tom were sitting across each other in the living room. No one spoke for about thirty minutes, and they were all engrossed in their own thoughts. Tom was as pale as ever, even paler than Bill. His eyebags were heavy, and it showed that he did not have enough sleep. His hair was messy, because he didn’t care for it ever since the accident. Ironically enough, it used to be Heidi who would so endearingly mist on the tightening spray for him. She used to wash his hair for him when he was home, and the children were with their grandparents. All the washing, and it would have ended up having them leaving the bathroom almost an hour later.

Bill had his eyes shielded as he curled up at the corner of the four-seater, and if one was looking, one could see tears flowing at certain intervals. He, like Tom, was in disbelief. How could such a kind and young person leave the world like that? It was the exact same case for Markus, and no one could have seen it coming. Who was to be blamed? The driver who dashed the red light was already fined, and nothing more could be done. What’s gone is gone, and Bill teared even more at that.

The oversensitive younger twin brother was depressed at his brother being depressed. He was desolated at a close friend being denied a shot at a lifetime of happiness with the one love of her life. If Bill had the courage to say, he would have told Tom that their love story was the greatest he had ever witnessed, and by far the most exemplary. He would have told Tom that he himself could never find someone to love that strongly and have her love him back just as much. He would have told Tom, if he had the courage, but the tension was stagnant in between them.

The older twin had his hands clenched the whole time, and he was so traumatized that he could not even cry it out. There were tears, but he felt like he had no longer anymore to give out. They were all used up at different points in the past few weeks, and it was like he could never cry again. It was going to be a horrible experience since he would have to bottle his feelings up inside, especially since he wasn’t going to let it out by talking with Bill. He remembered the last few times in life that he cried. It all escalated to today. He only ever cried because of Bill . . . and Heidi. And his son, Markus when he first thought he couldn’t take the responsibility. Tom desperately needed affection, and he needed to pour it out, but it wasn’t going to work since Bill wasn’t in a mood to speak, or so he thought. The twins were just sitting in silence, thinking and thinking, never trying to speak up.

They had three days. The spoke about it earlier, just before the cold, unnerving silence in between the twins. They had three days before they had to carry out the final burial, just like they did for Markus. It was bound by law in their homeland. The twins unknowingly thought of the same thing at the same time. How could they go through yet another funeral? They wanted it to be grand, but they wanted it to be small. It was contradictory, but they were trying to figure it out. It would be so hard for Tom to have to go through it again, one after another, but he had to. He had no choice. And he knew where Heidi was going to be placed—right next to Markus.

Tom closed his eyes suddenly, feeling extremely weary. He had barely forty minutes of sleep before being called down to the hospital, and then an hour of the most intense event took place after it seemed like there was hope. Now, more than six hours later, he was still up but knowing he was forever without his fiancée. Forty minutes of rest in almost two days. He wasn’t mentally tired yet. He needed to comprehend things. Again. It was as if he hadn’t done enough during the later parts of the morning, but he was just finding an escape, hoping that he didn’t need to believe in Heidi’s departure.

Taking a slow, deep breath in, the older twin swallowed, trying to find the strength to speak. The coldness of the room made him shiver, despite it being in the middle of summer. He looked down and fingered his engagement ring. Heidi still had it with her when she left him. It was there, he remembered. What’s the point of it now since the person he was once engaged to was . . . someone he was once engaged to? She was gone, and so was their engagement and dreams of a perfect wedding. However, he knew he was going to be wearing that ring until he decided it was time to take it off. He blinked once, twice, and then his voice cracked, not knowing the other was about to do the same as to speak after such a very long and cold silence.

“I miss her—”

“We should—”

Bill and Tom stared at each other in complete surprise, but their faces were still contorted with unexplainable heartache tinged with a drop of confusion. They couldn’t focus on what the other might be thinking, and they didn’t really care because they knew it would definitely have something to do with Heidi. Bill, after all, did like Heidi a bit to have such strong feelings for her after her death.

Even as time passed, they grew older, and Tom finally reunited with her, Bill liked Heidi. He always found her so cheerful, so mature and so perfect. It was a secret he could never let anyone know, let alone letting Tom know. She was gone now, and so Bill had nothing to be afraid of. His feelings had gone with her. He used to think that she was beyond amazing, because she completed Tom ten times over, and often wondered if it was him instead that was in Tom’s place. Would he have accepted the responsibility of a father? He knew Tom did the best job in the world, and he loved and respected him for that. Thankfully for Bill, his feelings for Heidi never got out of hand. He just looked up to her, and thanked her for giving him hope.

“She made me believe that there are still those kind of girls out there who would love you no matter what you are, who you are and what you do,” Bill said suddenly, not caring that Tom was still staring into thin air. He was going to get that point across.

Tom turned slightly to look at his twin brother. He blinked and stared with more attention given, as if his train of thought had cease. Taking in a deep breath and giving out a long sigh, Tom chewed on his lower lip and frowned in miserable frustration, his thick brows furrowing together. “She made me feel good about myself,” Tom revealed albeit slowly. “As a boyfriend . . . as a father . . . as everything.” He swallowed and continued, his voice slightly raspy. “Bill, I miss her so much.”

Bill sighed loudly after that last statement, covering his face effeminately as he leaned back against the backrest, his curled up body tightening. With nimble fingers, he rubbed his eyes and stared at Tom again. Through dried up lips, he made his response. “Tom,” Bill said, and he gave an involuntary sniffle. “I don’t care what your reaction to this is but I will let you know that you were motherfucking lucky to have her at least once in your life. You should be really proud of yourself. I’m serious.”

With an unexpected newfound appreciation surging through his veins, Tom interlocked his fingers before him and rested his elbows on the edge of his lap, his body leaning over slightly as if he was in deep contemplation while staring past the coffee table. His piercing cocoa-colored eyes could see nothing else but memories as he imagined Heidi, with Nikole in one hand and a DVD in the other, leaning down in front of the high definition television to pop the disc into the player. It was one of the last things they memorably did together.

Tom momentarily thought about it. He was really proud to have been able to call Heidi his girlfriend, and been able to call her his fiancée. No one in life had the chance to do so, and he was glad of all people, he was the one she chose. She picked to look past their past, no matter how immature Tom was, and she gave him a chance. He took that one chance and never blew it. Two years with her was more than he could ever ask for, but now, it felt too little. Was he greedy by cursing at God and wanting more?

“I know my luck,” Tom said after a long pause. He had finally thought what to say. “It’s never been good in relationships, Bill, and you know that.”

“Exactly,” Bill replied softly. “That’s what kept you so alone all those years.” He peeped at Tom past his arms that were crossed over his folded knees against his chest. Bill stared at him, picturing what Tom was picturing, but he wasn’t sure if his brother was really talking to him, or just mumbling random thoughts. Tom was known to do that, at least in between them. No one knew each other better than the twins themselves. Tom had another half who knew him just as well, but his other half had gone to a better place. Now, it was his turn to pull Tom back from the rubble and push him back out into life. He was sure it was going to be hard, and never easy for Tom to fall in love again, but he will try. He will do his best as brother and friend. Bill was going to watch Tom stand up, and also because Nikole was still there. He thought briefly, how was Nikole going to live without a mother? It was impossible. She needed one.

Tom rubbed his face, his fingers fleetingly running over under his eyes, feeling the puffiness under his swollen eyes. He was sure he looked hideous, but he didn’t care about it. Bill had seen him in his worst and besides, he did cry for a good reason. He gave a soft sigh as he dropped his head low, his gaze restricted by his heavy eyelids. “Bill, give me a reason to cry,” he said through gritted teeth in a tone of displeasure. “Please, Bill. I need to cry badly. I know I have to. And I can’t.”

The younger twin wiped a fresh tear away and stared at Tom. “What do you mean give you a reason to cry?” He asked confusedly, his frown creasing into a deeper one. “I hate seeing you cry, Tom.”

With a depressing hunch, Tom managed a reply, “It’s not right if I don’t cry, Bill. I feel . . . I feel so horrible. I want to lose myself, but . . . but it’s not working. My pain is just . . . collecting inside here. It really hurts. It really does.” Tom clenched his fist, gripping what he could of his oversized t-shirt as he placed the hand over his heart and his frown grew more intense. He nibbled on his lip ring, finally finding a reason to lick his lip and hydrate them for they were stiff and dry after such a long moment of silence. “But I can’t seem to cry anymore.”

“You don’t have to cry if you can’t,” Bill said, pushing himself up forcefully, feeling a slight ache in his back after sitting for so long. He walked over to Tom’s side, landing right next to him when he sat himself down and curled up once again. He was seated facing Tom, and he wanted his brother to return his gaze. “Look at me, Tom,” he said, and then he gave a sigh. Nudging his brother slightly with his toes, he repeated. “I said, look at me.”

“What?” Tom almost cut him off. He still didn’t have his face turned. He still didn’t have his back straightened. The young man was still lost in the darkness that was under his bent body.

Bill proceeded to kick Tom softly at his thigh. As he spoke, he could feel the yearning of his skin to break the trail that dried up tears left behind on his ashen face. “When I say look at me, it means you stop what you’re doing and face me. I want your eyes on mine, Tom. Please,” Bill clenched his jaw, giving a slight hiccup every once in a while.

Tom cracked his knuckles as he pulled his head up, hearing the popping sounds that satisfied him every once in a while. He stared at the television again and felt a hand on his back. For a split second, he forgot that it had to be Bill’s. He did not turn to his twin brother that moment as he reached for the pack of cigarettes in front of him. From the drawer, there was the lighter that he picked up swiftly and he lit the stick he had put in his mouth. When he was done, he took a deep first breath of tobacco and exhaled before his eyes met with Bill’s. Looking at Bill was like looking into his own eyes. In fact, it was like looking at himself. The only difference was that Bill hadn’t lost his life partner. Bill hadn’t even found his.

“What do you want from me?” Tom asked bluntly, forgetting his politeness. He wasn’t even sure if it was mandatory at a time like this. His gaze was glassy, and Bill chewed on his lower lip as they stayed like that for at least a few seconds.

“You don’t need a reason to cry,” Bill started, a hand wrapping its fingers around Tom’s firm and slender arm. He pulled himself closer to his twin brother, his own black and white locks of hair swirling about him while he tilted his head to look intently at the other. “I’m here for you to talk to, Tom. All you need to do is talk to me. I know how you feel, okay? I’ve been there with you every step, and I’m not holding back now. Tell me everything. Please don’t keep it inside of you. Please?”

Tom took another deep inhalation of his cigarette and blew it downwards while he stared impassively straight at nothing, his gaze already off Bill. He swallowed slightly and gritted his teeth, trying to find a reply. “The thing is . . . I don’t know what to say,” he admitted. He chewed on his lower lip as he raised his cigarette to his chapped lips. He smoked and lowered it down before continuing. “And that’s why I need to cry.”

“But I don’t want to make you cry!” Bill argued unintentionally, too fast a reply for either of their liking. His response made Tom turn to look back at him, and their conversation ensued vis-à-vis from there.

“Bill, I—”

“Why don’t you go get some sleep before mama wakes up?” Bill suggested, the topic being totally off.

“Don’t change the subject—”

The younger twin shook his head and took Tom’s cigarette from his hands and sucked in deeply before tapping the ash off in the ashtray. He stared back at Tom with reddened eyes. “When you wake up, we’ll do what we need to do. You’ll go check up on Heidi’s parents and talk about the funeral. I will go with you.”

“But—”

Bill shook his head and cut him off again, and this time with a hug around Tom’s torso. “I will go with you, Tom Kaulitz.” Bill’s affection was clear, and Tom closed his eyes at that moment, taking a deep breath and incidentally inhaling the smoke the cigarette was giving out. “Just promise me you’ll take care of yourself.”

The older twin casted his glance sideways at Bill, and a tear fell down his face, breaking his almost cool exterior. His bother shivered fleetingly as he straightened himself. Then, he shook his head while he had his eyes squeezed tightly shut, lips pressed together with his own teeth, ignoring how uncomfortable it felt with his lip ring. “I can’t,” he muttered under his breath during the same time he sighed.

As Tom licked his lips, Bill straightened to look at his brother. “You have a daughter, Tom,” he reminded the other as if he totally forgot it. “You have at least a certain amount of responsibility to keep yourself fit enough to take care of her. She’s all . . . she’s all you’ve got—”

“She’s all I’ve got left,” Tom finished it for him as soon as he noticed how Bill felt uncomfortable in completing it. He let another tear involuntarily roll down his cheek on the other side, ending the drought that had been for the past few hours. “It’s not fair,” he said before he stood up and went away, climbing up the stairs to make his way to his room.

All Bill could hear was that the door was forced shut. It wasn’t startling despite it being loud. The skinnier and taller of the pair of twins leaned against the length of the couch, his eyes staring at the television’s wide blank and grey panel. For a long while, he stayed in that same position, his hands slipped under his head as soon as he smoked that stick of cigarette short, stubbing it out in the ashtray before him. There was nothing he was thinking of, really, despite his heart feeling heavy and slowly, his watery eyes dried up and he fell asleep.

* * *

Tom’s eyes were closed as he was lying on the spacious bed. He never felt lonelier. For the past few weeks, he expected the other half to be in use again but he knew now that it would never be. He did not take note of the time as it slowly reached noon. Tom raised his arm over his head before tossing and turning every once in a while. The room was as cool as the air outside, but he felt warm and he couldn’t rest for a single moment.
Sunlight filtered in between the curtains, shining past him and breaking his momentum of trying to go to sleep.

His mind was wide-awake, yet he could not fall asleep despite how tired he was. His mind was only one thing.
With a slight déjà vu, he got up and straightened himself as he looked around the room. Almost twelve hours ago, he was in the same position—restless and uncomfortable. The only difference was that Heidi was still alive. He glared sideways across the subtle darkness and saw that his phone on the table was blinking. He had earlier turned off vibration mode, making him entirely oblivious to all calls and messages. Standing up tiredly, he went over and retrieved his phone.

Tom stared down at the glaring screen and saw that he had over ten missed calls and messages, all from David, Georg, Gustav and Andreas. It confused him as to how news spread so fast, but he was sure it was his mother. Or maybe the boys visited the hospital to find that Heidi was undergoing postmortem. That was more the likely reason, he thought to himself. He clicked on the last message he received, which was from the blond-haired young man called Gustav: I’m so sorry about Heidi. I’m here if you need to talk. Take care.

It was short and simple, just as Gustav himself was. He wasn’t the kind to overreact, and he was glad Gustav wasn’t trying to force entry into the apartment just to make sure he was fine. And Tom thought about it. The fans. Fans of the band. How would they react when they found out? He was sure a percentage of them would be sending letters and cards of sympathy. A minute amount might be scoffing behind his back. He really didn’t want to deal with random girls right now. He was so depressed it wasn’t even funny anymore. Counting back as he sat on the bed again, he realized he hadn’t been anywhere near music for a long time. He wasn’t even sure if he knew how to play some of the songs correctly.

After a long while of avoiding the topic of Heidi herself, Tom finally found himself thinking of his fiancée. She was almost his wife. He almost had her eternally, but eternally was not how it was meant to be for the both of them, it seemed. He gave an awkward sniffle as he looked around his empty room. The shelves that lined the cream-colored walls were dotted with photo frames. They were Heidi’s idea, as he recalled. He wasn’t the kind to get crazy about such things, but he liked it anyway. He could barely make out the pictures, but he seemed to remember every single one of the photographs by heart.

In the dimness, though his eyes were adapting to the dark, he saw the frames and their various shapes and sizes. Inevitably, he imagined Heidi right there beside it, a faint shadow, staring at one of their favorite pictures. The first one they took as a family when Nikole was born. Heidi looked slightly chubbier than she was before Nikole, but Tom loved her newfound curves. He was glad that she only shed a few pounds after the pregnancy, because he liked her new body. Countless times, he teased her about it, but she knew he loved her shape. The young man smiled when he thought of that, a tear escaping his eyes. And then he recollected when she complained about her stretch marks.

“We could never have a beach wedding.”

“Why not?”

“Because of this!”

“What? No! They look like patterns. Awesome little patterns…”

“Tom…”

“Smooth zigzags or... Hey. You’re beautiful, whatever they are.”

It was like his ducts decided to untie themselves all of a sudden, releasing a flood down his face. And Tom realized once more, it was all in his head. He really wasn’t crying literally, only a tear or two even though he envisioned more. Something was wrong with him, he thought. How could he not cry his heart out? All the pain locked in him was like a torture for him. For a while, he maintained a little frown on his head as his vacant eyes stared into nothingess. He finally blanked out, though he was still awake.

There was a sudden cry, and Tom broke his nonexistent train of thought, wiping away face before he quickly got on his feet, going out of his room and across the hall to the guest’s. The door was slightly ajar, and there, he laid his eyes upon his dog-tired mother with a bright-eyed Nikole in her arms. Simone was rubbing her eyes wearily, and yet she still sat herself up to cradle the child.

“No,” Tom said softly. He rushed to his mother’s side and took Nikole in his own arms. “Go to sleep. I’ll take her.”

The child started to cry again, and Tom hugged the baby close to him as he rocked her gently. Simone stared at her son, her eyes projecting obvious fatigue. “No, it’s okay,” she mumbled, trying to get up while aimlessly searching for her bedroom slippers. “It’s her feeding time . . . I think.” She turned around to stare at the clock. “It’s twelve, right?”

“Mama, please go back to sleep,” Tom said as he sat beside Simone, stroking her strawberry blonde hair lovingly. He rubbed her cheeks and gave her a kiss on one side before patting her back, gently urging her back down. “I can feed Nikole myself.”

Tom covered his mother with the blanket with a hand while the other held Nikole close against him, her small body producing a sound much louder than he thought possible. It was like as if he never heard her cry before, but he was only lost. He was, but was only going to be for a while. He was going to do this on his own. Nikole was his daughter, and he was going to take full responsibility from now on.

“Are you sure?” Simone stared at her son with brown eyes wider than before. “Tom, I can just—”

“I can do this,” the son said firmly. He bit on his lower lip and had his eyes fixated on Simone. “I’ll have to get used to this entirely. H-Heidi . . . she had this feeding thing posted on the fridge. I’ll read it.”

“Tom,” Simone started. Before she could continue, Tom shot her a frown. How could his mother doubt his ability? The woman looked past her son’s expression and continued. “I love you.”

The older twin stood adamant, but softened when he heard his mother’s warm words. “Love you, too, ma,” Tom said, his hands comforting his daughter as he closed the door.

He accommodated Nikole in his arms, cradling her like as if she was a tiny baby like on the first day she came to be as he went down the stairs. Her cries were stopping. Tom could just see the scene clearly in his head, but he’d rather not go there. His thoughts were focused on Nikole, trying to calm her down.

He decided he wasn’t the luckiest man to be left alone with a one-year-old daughter, losing his wife-to-be and six-year-old son to a reckless driving accident. Then again, he was lucky in the sense that he had the money to support the baby and himself for the rest of his life. He wasn’t even twenty-one yet, but he had lost the love of his life. Life was unfair, and he had finally acknowledged that statement. Last time, he would boast that his life was perfectly fair, that he had the girl, the family, the life and the dream, but now they were slowly fading away.

As soon as he reached the kitchen, he headed to the fridge and read the handwritten note that Heidi had left. Tom had always seen it, but he never really had a reason to memorize it. The blonde girl always breastfed, and when they were using the powdered formula, she would be the one to handle. If she wanted Tom to do it, she would just verbally instruct him. It was all now a thing of a past, and Tom clenched his jaw. He was getting distracted. He hated it. He looked at the clock on the wall and saw that it was almost half past twelve. How long had he been standing there? Nikole was looking very awake, and she was about to start crying again. Tom had a lot of patience for a man like him, and when his little girl started to bawl, he simply kissed her and put her in her high chair.

“Give me a second, Nikole,” Tom said as he frowned and went to prepare her milk.

He had problems finding where the bottle was kept, but found it in a large pink Tupperware near the sink. Of course, it had the name Nikole largely labeled across it. Obviously, it was Heidi’s handwriting. He gave an awkward smile and rubbed the weariness off his face as he took a bottle out and finally made the drink. He went over to Nikole, shaking the bottle with some effort as he had remembered his mother doing lately.

“Here,” he said, giving the child her bottle. Instinctively, Nikole grabbed it and put the teat in her mouth. She chugged the milk down as her father picked her up and went to the living room.

Bill was still asleep on the couch, oblivious to Nikole’s earlier cries. Tom quietly stepped past him and sat across on the armchair. This apartment would be much lonelier now that two of its inhabitants were gone. He was considering asking Bill to move back in with him, but would he want that? Tom sat still and laid Nikole against his leaning form that was slumped in the armchair. Nikole was the one pushing him on, he thought, or he would have just locked himself in his room. But all these things seemed tiring, somehow. Slowly, his eyelid lowered, and soon, he lost himself to a long-awaited slumber.