I'll Swim the Ocean for You

I think I might’ve slept through the night. I didn’t know what time it was anymore when I got up but when I took in the scenery and realized exactly where I was, I shot up instantly and ran to where Natalie was currently recovering. She’s alive, she’s breathing, and she is still here. I could never have been more relieved or happier right now. There was still a chance and hope was still in my side.

The monitors told me that her heart was beating steadily and that sound just calmed me in a way I could probably never forget. I sat on the chair beside her bed and got close enough to hold her hand. I grazed it with my thumb and caressed her hand which was now wrapped in gauze. But even with all this calm, the guilt was still there. I felt it lingering somewhere in the room and there was really nothing I could do about it.

I haven’t spoken since the accident even when the doctor’s asked me about what happened because I felt that if I did speak, I’d only be saying the wrong things, answering his question the wrong way. My emotions were all messed up to the point where I didn’t really know what I was feeling but at least now, the doctor’s got the message and kept away from me because obviously, I was of no help to them.

With all this thinking that was going on in my head, it took me a long time to notice that Natalie was awake and she was looking at me. Tears soaked her pillow and her grasp tightened just a little. Obviously that big jump she made weakened her. But even in this state, there was no way I could deny that I was still in love with her.

“I’m so sorry,” I whispered leaning closer so she could hear me properly.

My throat felt really dry and I was starting to feel a little dizzy.

Instead of answering me, she simply shook her head and looked away but she left her hand in mine with the same strength in her grasp. She sniffed her tears away and then looked back at me. But even while she was trying to hold back her tears, they just kept falling.

Her puffy eyes looked straight into mine as she mouthed one word: ‘Why?’

She seemed devastated and angry for some reason and well I just didn’t get it. Well, yeah, apparently her plan didn’t work but it was actually a good thing. I mean there’s always a bright side to everything right? So why couldn’t she see the bright side in all of this?

I swallowed hard before answering her but not even my saliva helped this time. So instead of giving her a sermon about how I felt, I just simply showed her. I gave her a kiss, gentle and soft. I didn’t want to hurt her physically so I pulled away after one short kiss. I looked at her feeling her warmth as I stopped only inches away from her face.

“That’s why,” I stated briefly and she tried to fight the smile that was making its way to her face but I still saw it. It was there and that’s when I knew that I could still give her bits of happiness even in times like this and in reality that was all that really mattered.

I gave her time to process everything. I told her I’ll be right back and went into the cafeteria that the hospital had and bought myself a bottle of water. I twisted the cap as soon as I paid for it and I drank the contents quickly. After which, I made my way back to the room and saw her trying to get up from her bed.

“Hey, don’t strain yourself,” I told her as I walked briskly to her bed and pushed her down gently.

“I shouldn’t be here,” she told me with some kind of dark shade in her tone.

“I don’t know what you mean,” I said taking a seat beside on the chair beside the bed.

“I mean…” she paused to gather some thoughts, “that jump was supposed to mean goodbye and well I messed up everything in my room,” she said and well I had to laugh at that.

“You survived a really big fall and that’s what you’re thinking about?” I asked rhetorically. She smiled and well, maybe it was all going to be okay from here.

“Well who’s going to pay for the damages then?” she asked me as she bit on the bottom part of her lip.

“We’ll figure that out when you get out of here, together.” I said reaching for her face and rubbed her cheek.

She placed her hand on mine and held it against her cheek. She looked at me and I looked at her and almost simultaneously, we both smiled. She then let go of my hand and scooted over to the side and patted the space beside her telling me to lie next to her.

“Natalie, you should know by now that I love you.” I told her as she placed her head – which was partially bandaged – against my chest.

She kept silent urging me to go on. So I did, “I wouldn’t let anything happen to you and you should also know by know that if you need anything, I’m here for you. Don’t hesitate to call on me. I’ll be there for you.”

“But how was I supposed to know that?” she asked me and then all the bad memories I thought I had locked inside my head came rushing out. It was as if I was seeing a live play reiterating exactly what happened before the accident.

I held her tightly before saying anything else. “I know, I was stupid and full of myself and I took you for granted but I can assure you that it won’t happen again. I won’t let it. I can’t let it. After I called you and noticed that you didn’t answer, I got in my car and rushed to your place and with the way it looked inside told me that something had to be wrong and-“

“But how did you know exactly where I was?” she asked cutting me off.

“Because I remember, Natalie. I couldn’t just forget and when I saw your apartment, I don’t know I guess it was just an instinct.” I said playing with her hair. Just like the old times.

“Well I guess now I’m glad I survived.” She said and I looked down at her. “I mean I thought you lost it, Oli. I thought you’d never be the same again after all the fame. I thought I was just another thing that was in your way. I felt like such a tool and it just didn’t feel right.”

“I’m sorry,” it was all I could say, really. And no matter how many times I try to apologize, it won’t change what happened, I know that but maybe this could be an obstacle or a bump in the road. I’m just happy I got through it.

We talked for hours. We talked until the doctor told me that I had to give her some time to rest. So I got off the bed and then the doctor went out. She smiled at me before closing her eyes. She was smiling with her eyes closed and if you don’t think it’s a good thing then maybe you should go get a check up or something because with that conclusion, I can tell that something’s totally wrong with your head. I’m no doctor or anything but I can make sure I can cure her sadness and make her feel great. Wait let me rephrase that. I know I can cure her sadness and make it go away forever. I’ll promise to always be there forever and as of now, I’m a man of my word so I’ll never turn on it no matter what happens.