Letting Go
1/1.
Sometimes it is better to just let go…
I watched her sleep peacefully before me, her chest rising and falling weakly. I ignored the urge to squeeze her hand, trying to avoid everything that might hurt her again. All I could do was stare at her, and wish that it was all a dream. But the harder I tried to neglect the reality of what I was facing, the harder the truth tried to kick me.
‘It’s painful, I don’t want this anymore,’ my sister cried once before I left her, leaving her alone to the care of the nurses and the interns.
My sister’s frantic whimper had almost killed me, and then I thought I knew the best that I could do. Dozens of pills that would target my brain was my solution, just so my heart I could give her. But it didn’t work, nothing ever did, there was never a thing I had done that seemed to have helped her. And to realize that up to this moment there was still nothing I could do, I placed myself the greatest blame I would ever have to carry forever.
She’s everything I have, right here, right now. And damn, how I saw her clinging on to life. Her pale face lay below the white light, which I thought had reflected the demise in my eyes—a trace of failure in my face I would bear ‘til heaven takes me.
The monitors beside her continued to beep faintly, as if not letting the deafening silence take in the whole of me. But beyond that was a summons which seemed to radiate amidst the air—it was as if my sister was behind me, watching me, calling me, trying to get my attention all this time.
‘I’m just here,’ I told her, but I couldn’t make out a reply. Maybe there wasn’t any, maybe I was just out of my mind.
I touched each of her fingers, trying to perceive even the slightest motion. And before I felt my eyes sting, a tear fell pitifully down her palm. I lifted her hand and rubbed it slowly against my cheek, and just then I couldn’t deny how awfully cold she felt to me. It shocked me, when it shouldn’t, for I knew she was dying, maybe I simply couldn’t accept it.
There were a million things I still wanted to tell her, as well as those that I still longed to hear from her. But fate just seemed to have its back on me, for the next thing I knew, her lines had just gone flat.
I already knew earlier it was better to let go, I knew it ever since before I refused to see her doctor. But I never did, she was all I had, and do you know what it was like to release the only thing you would ever have?
I watched her sleep peacefully before me, her chest rising and falling weakly. I ignored the urge to squeeze her hand, trying to avoid everything that might hurt her again. All I could do was stare at her, and wish that it was all a dream. But the harder I tried to neglect the reality of what I was facing, the harder the truth tried to kick me.
‘It’s painful, I don’t want this anymore,’ my sister cried once before I left her, leaving her alone to the care of the nurses and the interns.
My sister’s frantic whimper had almost killed me, and then I thought I knew the best that I could do. Dozens of pills that would target my brain was my solution, just so my heart I could give her. But it didn’t work, nothing ever did, there was never a thing I had done that seemed to have helped her. And to realize that up to this moment there was still nothing I could do, I placed myself the greatest blame I would ever have to carry forever.
She’s everything I have, right here, right now. And damn, how I saw her clinging on to life. Her pale face lay below the white light, which I thought had reflected the demise in my eyes—a trace of failure in my face I would bear ‘til heaven takes me.
The monitors beside her continued to beep faintly, as if not letting the deafening silence take in the whole of me. But beyond that was a summons which seemed to radiate amidst the air—it was as if my sister was behind me, watching me, calling me, trying to get my attention all this time.
‘I’m just here,’ I told her, but I couldn’t make out a reply. Maybe there wasn’t any, maybe I was just out of my mind.
I touched each of her fingers, trying to perceive even the slightest motion. And before I felt my eyes sting, a tear fell pitifully down her palm. I lifted her hand and rubbed it slowly against my cheek, and just then I couldn’t deny how awfully cold she felt to me. It shocked me, when it shouldn’t, for I knew she was dying, maybe I simply couldn’t accept it.
There were a million things I still wanted to tell her, as well as those that I still longed to hear from her. But fate just seemed to have its back on me, for the next thing I knew, her lines had just gone flat.
I already knew earlier it was better to let go, I knew it ever since before I refused to see her doctor. But I never did, she was all I had, and do you know what it was like to release the only thing you would ever have?
♠ ♠ ♠
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