I Left You Bound and Tied With Suicidal Memories

I threw my purse onto the table and glared at the floor. How dare he! I thought furiously.

Tonight had been really bad. Jonas had tried to buy me some drink. He actually tried to take advantage of it.

In case you're wondering, Jonas is one of my customers.

Hand of Blood by Bullet of my valentine started to play.

Immediately, I rummaged through my purse to find my cellphone. I'm pretty sure it's going to be Joel screaming his ass off.

I picked up the call and almost immediately, Joel was screaming his head off, "What the hell were you thinking? He was one of my important customers!"

I rolled my eyes. "I told you Joe, I don't use my body on Saturdays and Sundays. In case you haven't noticed? Today's SUNDAY," I retorted.

I could hear him mumble to himself on the other side of the phone.

"You know I could fire you for this," he started to say.

Yeah you could. But I'm the one who's gotten you most of your cash. I'm your big star, I thought.

"But I'm not going to. You're going to make up for your mistakes. Tomorrow. There's some afterparty that's going to be held and I'm making you serve the customers. It was supposed to be Trish's turn, but since you blew this, you're taking the job," he told me.

I opened my mouth to protest but he interrupted, "No exceptions! You'll be at the Devil's club at 11pm tomorrow. Don't be late."

And with that, he hung up.

"Arghhhh!!" I screamed as I threw my cellphone to the ground.

I stomped to my bed and lay on it. One day, I would have to stop working as an escort and just... settle down.

Without a husband - not that I'm gay or anything.

::::

"Stop it! You're scaring her!" Mom screamed as she tried to shield herself from Dad's punches.

"Let her see! You deserve this, whore!" Dad punched her repeatedly.

I was at the corner, crying and praying that he'd stop.

He started to laugh when Mom fell defenseless onto the floor. That was when he started to kick her. "You stupid bitch! You're so worthless. It's thanks to you... I couldn't get a job!"

Mom was crying - her face covered in bruises.

The whole scene shifted to when Dad had just got home - drunk as usual.

Mom and I were sitting on the couch, watching the tube. "Come here you worthless piece of shit," Dad cursed as he pulled her hair.

Mom pushed me gently out of the way so he couldn't hurt me. "Go to the corner!" she instructed me.

I remember running to the corner. "Tell me.... Why can't you get a job?" Dad slurred, his hands still pulling Mom's hair.

"Me?" Mom asked in disbelief as she tried to pull herself away from him. "Me?? YOU can't get a decent job! All you ever do is get yourself drunk ever since you got retrenched!"

He slapped her really hard on the face and dragged her out of the room by pulling her hair - leaving me crying as Mom started screaming in pain.

The scene changed again to me in bed and Mom reading me a story. Dad was out, probably drinking again.

"And they lived happily ever after," she shut the book close.

"Are we going to live happily ever after, Mommy?" the young six-year-old me asked.

I saw water started to form in her eyes. Then she tried to smile.

"I hope so, Tracy. We have to pray to God and hope that He will help us," she said as she kissed my forehead.

"Everyone in class is bringing their parents for Show-and-tell. About their parents jobs. What are you working as, Mommy?" Her face fell.

"What do you want to be, honey?" she tried asking me instead.

"I want to be a lawyer... So you can be proud of me!" I said. my head up high.

She smiled a sad smile. "I'll be proud of whatever you want to be sweetheart. I know you'll grow to be a successful person in life. I believe in you because you are my daughter."

::::::

I opened my eyes. I realized that I am sweating profusely in bed. I hadn't even realize that I had fallen asleep. My hands found their way to my eyes and wiped away the tears.

Mom.

I didn't understood what her last words meant then. Now, I do.

And I miss her so much. I've let her down.

I'm sorry Mom. I'm sorry I couldn't be a lawyer or any other definition of successful, I thought looking at the ceiling.

After a few minutes of silence and staring into the ceiling, I stretched to the sidetable next to my bed and took out my anti-depressants. I took out two pills and downed it with a glass of water.

I looked outside and realized that it is already in the morning. I got out of bed and took a quick shower.

::::

Wearing a red lacey lingerie, I put a little bit of the mascara, eyeliner and blood red lipstick.

I looked at myself in the mirror. "This is just a job, Trace," I paused, shaking my head and corrected myself, "Miss Cocaine."

With that, I took a long black coat [kind of like the one that Keanu Reeves wore in The Matrix], grabbed my purse and headed out my small apartment.

I looked at the Devil's Bar from the outside.

"Finally!" I heard someone say.

I jumped a little and turned around to face Joel. I rolled my eyes as he put his arm around my shoulder. I pushed it away.

"You're the best one I got. And you shouldn't screw this up, Cocaine," he was whispering to me.

"I do whatever I want, Joe. I don't care about your business. It can be screwed for all I care," I took out a stick and lit it.

I saw his face turned red. But he still manage to speak in his normal tone. "If you do not give them what they want, you're fired."

I turned to stare at him.

He didn't seem to be joking at all. I scoffed and turn to look at the Devil's Bar again.

"Actually Joel. I was thinking about telling you that this would be my last job," I said, waiting for his reaction.

There was a moment of silence before his yell filled the air.

"WHAT?" he exclaimed which caused the people near us to look.

"You heard me, Joel," I took a drag from my cigarette, "I don't want to be doing this for the rest of my life."

I was thinking of Mom when I said those words.

"I don't understand.... You're quitting?"

I turned to face him and blew the smoke I exhaled from my stick into his face. "Yes, Joel. I am."

"You can't do this! I made you what you've become! What are you going to be, huh? A cashier? You won't earn the way you are earning now if you quit!" he was starting to freak.

I threw my stick to the ground and stepped on it. "I've made up my mind, Joel. This is goodbye," and I walked into the bar, leaving Joel pissed as fuck.