Set on False Pretense

I don’t know what it was, but a part of me thought, for a second, that Chad was standing outside. Maybe that was the hopeful part of my heart. Praying that Chad had come over so I could talk to him, tell him I loved him and would never do anything to hurt him. But there was no one outside. It was dark and cold and dead outside. Tears continued to stream down my cheeks.

I had managed to avoid my dad by wedging a chair under my door handle so he couldn’t get in. I knew I would pay for it eventually, but right now I just wanted to wallow in my misery. I suppose letting dad in wouldn’t be that bad. It was unlikely I would feel anything considering how numb I feel right now. I sighed and went back to my bed and played my guitar. Thanks to my new emotions I had plenty of new song ideas to keep me distracted.

I wondered what Chad was doing – even though it hurt to think about him, it was hard not to – and continued to strum away. I looked over at my laptop, which had all of my other songs on it. I wanted to listen to the love songs I'd written about Chad, just to remind myself that the good times really did happen, but I forced myself not to.

I continued to play late into the night and came up with several depressing songs about how I was feeling then. I wasn't sure which ones I preferred, the happy ones or the sad ones. The sad ones were helping me a lot to let out my emotions, but the happy ones were good at reminding me of the good times we had had. The times when I had played for him and he had sketched me. I smiled softly and then lay back on my bed and stared at the ceiling. I wished I had the guts to go and talk to him, to find out what had really happened, but I couldn’t. He hated me and that wasn't likely to change.

And he had seemed adamant that he didn't want to see me again.

The next few days passed slowly and uneventfully. I managed to stay in my room and avoid my dad all weekend, and I knew it was winding him up. I just left my room whenever he left the house. I didn't hear from Chad once and it hurt knowing he hated me so much. I didn't know how to fix it because I wasn't sure about the truth of what had happened.

I don’t know how it had happened, but Chad had been accepted back onto the football team. On Monday and Tuesday I noticed that he wasn't with his team very much and I guessed it was because they had found out about us...about him. But today, on Wednesday, he was suddenly back in the group as if nothing had happened. But I could tell by watching Chad that something had happened. He never smiled anymore. I missed his smile. Even if he didn't want to smile for me anymore, I still wanted to see it.

The football championship game was on this Saturday. The whole school was making a big deal about it and were all getting excited. There were posters everywhere about it, supporting the team, supporting Chad in leading the team. A poster was stuck on my locker every morning when I got to school and I always ripped it off. I didn't want to be reminded about Chad's life without me. It was as though we were never together – he has gone back to doing what he did before he talked to me. His life revolved around football again. That wasn't the Chad I knew, the real Chad. I don’t know why, but he was pretending to be someone he's not, he was forcing his football and the school was buzzing with how bad Chad suddenly was.

I was aware of the fact that it was something to do with me. Ever since we ended he hasn’t been right. But I can't fix it. I don’t know how. Chad believes I betrayed him and I've got no proof to say otherwise. I wish I did.

On Friday night I was home alone and the doorbell rang at 6.30. I was surprised because it is rare that we have vistors. A part of me was praying that it would be Chad, come to see me after a week apart. I opened the door and paused slightly. "Hey, Will," Chad's mum said.
"Hi, Mrs Tyler," I said uncomfortably.
"I told you to call me Sandra," she said and I nodded.
"I know, it just doesn’t feel right now," I said and she smiled sadly.
"May I come in?" she asked. "I need to talk to you."
"Um...sure," I said, unsure what she had to talk to me about.

I led her into the living room, glad I had tidied dad's beer bottles away earlier. She sat down on the sofa and I sat in an armchair opposite her. "So, um, what is it?" I asked her, trying not to seem impolite. She looked at me biting her lip. She seemed to make a decision and then she moved towards the edge of the sofa and leant forward towards me.
"Will, what happened between you and Chad?" she asked and my face immediately dropped. "I don’t mean how or why it ended. What was between you last month?" I looked down unsure how to answer.
"Love," I said uncertainly. "That's the best way to describe what we had. We cared...deeply about each other, we looked after each other, comforted each other. I think...to me...we were perfect." Sandra was looking at me sadly and then she nodded.
"I think that Chad thinks that too," she said softly and I looked away from her.
"Chad hates me," I said bitterly. "He thinks I betrayed him. If he ever thought I was perfect, he doesn’t now." Sandra frowned slightly.
"I think you two need to talk properly," she said and I shook my head.
"I don’t even know what to say...and Chad hasn’t even glanced at me once this week," I said and felt my heart aching painfully. "For him...anything we had is gone."
"You don’t know that unless you talk to him," she said and I sighed and looked down at the floor. "You really need to talk to him. He loves you too." I frowned and shook my head but didn't say anything. "Will, all I want is for my son to be happy," she said, suddenly sounding strained. I looked up at her and saw her face looked desperate. "With you he is happy, when he is painting or drawing he is happy. Playing football doesn’t make him happy. He hasn’t drawn once since you broke up, all he does is think about football and make himself miserable."
"If he hates it, why is he doing it?" I asked her intently. If Chad was that upset, it hurt to think about it, but I had to know.
"Who knows what he's thinking," she shrugged and I frowned slightly. "Maybe he thinks he's a disappointment to his dad so he's doing it because of that...but I think it's because of you."
"Me?" I asked, confused. "He's playing football because of me?"
"Whatever happened between you two has made him want to get as far away as he can," she said and I felt pain stab at my chest. "Loughborough is miles away. Whatever it is he is running from will be easier to escape from there." I frowned as I thought.
"What would he want to escape from?" I asked softly and Sandra shook her head.
"You should ask him," she said and tears gathered in my eyes.
"I can't," I said desperately. "He doesn’t want to see me, he told me that."
"Maybe he's changed his mind," she said and I frowned. Maybe he had...but then again, maybe he hadn’t...

Sandra stood and made her way to the front door. I stood and followed her. "Just think about it, okay?" she asked and I smiled weakly and nodded.
"I'll try," I said softly.
"Bye, cutie," she smiled and this time I did smile genuinely.
"Bye," I smiled and shut the front door.

I went up to my room and went onto my computer. I played all my love songs I'd written for and about Chad. I couldn't force myself to go and see him...I couldn’t.