And She Was Strong.

It isn’t always that easy to tell someone that you’ve been sexually abused. It isn’t always just as easy as telling them to leave you alone, to expect for everything to go back to normal without a hitch. Things just don’t work that way.

Lily could testify to this. As soon as Jeremy had left her room that day, and as soon as he always left, there’s this shock that goes off inside of her. It’s a shock that is common, but it doesn’t make a difference how many times it occurs. That reflexive instinct of being astonished is there and it eats away at her insides.

Lily wondered that day if she’d ever be able to tell. Because when something like that happens to you, you can’t do a thing about it. You’re scared and in pain, and you can’t do a thing but cry and wish that it hadn’t even happened in the first place. Lily knew the motions well, and she knew that her lips were sealed.

She was embarrassed more than anything else; embarrassed that she was so helpless against Jeremy. She was embarrassed that someone she had loved so much could do something like that to her. And she was embarrassed that she wasn’t strong enough to make everything stop.

It would never stop.

Matthew called the next day.

He had contemplated waiting a few days before trying to get a hold of her again, but he couldn’t help himself. It was easy for him to get caught up in the feeling he got whenever he was around her, no matter how much he wanted to deny it. Of course, he had contemplated what his friends would think of him if they knew how he was all of the sudden starting to feel about Lily, but for the most part he figured they’d either ignore it or encourage him.

Regretfully, he’d never honestly have the guts to let her know what it was that she was making him feel, because of the fact that she had been dating Jeremy for a year and a half and (an even fathomable reason) she would never think of Matthew as more than a friend. As much as he resented that, he had accepted it the minute he met her such a long time ago.

In any case, he decided that being around her would have to be enough.

The phone rang and rang, and when she finally picked up, Matthew was suddenly aware that something was wrong.

“Hello?” Lily asked. Her nose sounded plugged as if she were sick or something. And she sounded tired and worn-out, and empty and lonely and broken.

Matthew paused for a moment, then said, “Hey, it’s Matt.”

She coughed. “It’s good to hear from you.” She tried sounding happier she was, but it was obvious that everything was forced and difficult for her to front. Strained, Matthew thought.

“Are you alright?”

Across the line, Lily smiled sadly and ran a hand through her hair. She was still in bed and her body ached.

“I’m fine,” she lied, “just have a bad cold.”

It seemed that Matthew couldn’t tell the difference. “You sound like shit,” he joked. “Want me to come over and take care of you?”

“No.” It was sharp and jagged and different from how she usually sounded. It was brash and vindictive and spiteful and piteous. And it was unusual. Matthew didn’t know what to think.

She knew she had messed up, being so abrupt. “I mean,” her tone softer, “no.” She felt like she was going to cry all over again. Things weren’t going well for her at all. She was angry and aggravated and lost and helpless against every piece of shit life was throwing at her. And she didn’t deserve any of it; all she could do was prevent everyone else around her from noticing and feeling as horrible as she did.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Matthew asked. “You don’t sound like yourself. You sound really tense and angry… Is everything alright over there?”

His concern was obvious and for just a fraction of a second, she felt how Matthew did; she felt that love and compassion. And the kindness was seeping through the receiver and pouring through her body.

But it only lasted a second.

“I’m fine,” was all she said.

Things had never been more silent. It was almost as if she had said something to kill everything that Matthew had been wanting to ask her. It killed off everything he had planned on talking about, everything he had planned on making conversation about. There was nothing left after she had made it clear that she was not in the mood to talk to him.

She coughed loudly and pinched the bridge of her nose, proceeding to wipe the corners of her eyes so she didn’t break down right then.

A shaky breath leaked from her mouth and she closed her eyes.

“I’m sorry,” she murmured. “I’m really just tired… and I didn’t mean to be so mean.”

Matthew just stood there in the middle of his bedroom, his whole body going numb.

“It’s okay,” he said, his voice steady and even. “Why don’t you go ahead and take a nap? Make some soup or something and take a couple, like, fuckin’… aspirin, too, or something. Okay?”

She could feel herself getting all worked up again.

“Okay. Thank you.”

And her voice was just starting to quiver. She hoped to God that Matthew couldn’t hear it, but something told her that he had.

She was right.

“Alright. I’ll call you later.”

“Okay.”

“Bye.”

“Bye.”

There was a click in the phone, and Matthew drew the cellular device from his ear. He just stared at it in his hands, milling things over in his head. There wasn’t a sound in the whole house, and for a second, everything seemed dead.

And he stood there until he finally figured something out.

Something was wrong with Lily.