We Were Right From The Start
fourteen
Friday morning, I was sitting at my window at 7.30. I saw Liam pull up at the curb, look at the house, sigh and then drive away. It broke my heart to see the look of sadness on his face, but I couldn’t do anything about it being there. He brought it upon himself.
On Friday, my gran phoned. I don’t know why I hadn’t thought of her before, but as soon as I heard her voice I had my answer. She was mum's mum and had been phoning to check on mum, but once I told her that mum had gone away she was worried. "Why are you at home, honey?" she asked.
"I have to look after Sam," I said.
"You should be at school," she said, almost scolded. I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to be at school, but I knew I should be. "How about we look after Sam until your mum gets home?"
"I don’t know how much longer she will be," I said.
"That's fine, sweetie, we don’t have much to do anyway, and we'd love to have Sam," she said and I smiled. She was talking about herself and granddad, but I knew they were a team and her including him in her 'we' was normal.
"Are you really sure?" I asked.
"Of course! Don't worry about it," she said.
"Thanks," I said softly.
"How about we come and pick him up on Sunday and you can come back to ours for Sunday lunch and we will bring you home again Sunday night?" she suggested and I smiled.
"Sounds great," I said.
"Good, we'll see you on Sunday then," she said. "Graddad will be there at about 10.30."
"Okay, thanks," I said.
"Bye, Francesca," she said. She had never been able to call me Frankie.
"Bye," I replied and hung up.
I went up to see Sam in his room, playing with a plastic toy ship. "Hey, Sam, you're going to be staying with Gran and Granddad for a while, ok?" I asked and he grinned. He loved going to their house because he got to sleep in a 'big boy bed' – a double bed.
"Is mum coming with us?" he asked and I winced inwardly.
"No, honey, its just you," I said and he frowned. "You will be able to play with Graddad all day, and just think of all the sweets Gran will give you." I saw Sam's eyes light up at the thought.
"Are you coming?" he asked.
"On Sunday I'll come up with you and stay for lunch, but I've got to be back for school," I said and he nodded and went back to playing. I left the room and went downstairs to make lunch.
That afternoon I watched Titanic because I was in that sort of mood. At the bit where I normally cry – when Jack disappears in the water – no tears came. I wondered if it was because I didn't have any tears left. I then thought of how I would feel if it was Liam who was falling into the ocean, staring lifelessly up at me and tears immediately sprang into my eyes. I thought back over what had happened yesterday when he had come over. More tears pooled in my eyes. He'd said he loved me. I wished I could believe him, I wish I had handled it better. But my heart hurt whenever I had to think about him. I didn't know what to do anymore. Before, it was natural, relaxed. Now whenever he talks to me, I never know if he's lying, because he wants to tell me something he thinks I want to hear.
I forced those thoughts out of my head. I went up to my room and went on the computer. I signed onto facebook and saw that Liam had changed his relationship status from 'single' to 'it's complicated'. I smiled humourlessly. 'Complicated' was one word for it. I saw some of his stupid friends had commented on the status. One of them said, 'ohh, lady troubles, is it?' Liam had replied by saying, 'fuck off.' I smiled slightly at that, a true, genuine smile. My image of Liam was really mixed up and now I didn't know who the real Liam was. I wanted to believe he was the hard-working, loving, caring, smart, funny guy, who didn't take any crap from anyone...but then he goes and...breaks my heart. Maybe the real Liam is the guy who uses people, who lies and who cheats to get what he wants. I quickly signed off facebook because it was making me sad again.
Instead, I just sat on my bed, grabbed a book and started reading. I forced myself to focus on the words, the story. I wouldn’t let my thoughts stray. I managed to read half the book, even though I think I was just looking at the pages, not really taking in what it was saying, because by page 150 I had no idea what was going on. I didn't even know the main character's name. I put the book aside and went in to check on Sam. He wasn’t in his room so I went downstairs.
I found him watching television. I sat down next to him and wrapped my arm around his shoulders. "Can we watch Ice Age 2?" he asked and I smiled and nodded. "Does Liam want to watch it with us?" My smile wavered.
"Not at the moment," I said shakily. "He can't come over."
"Should we wait for him?" he asked and I shook my head.
"No, there's no use waiting for him," I sighed. "We should just do it without him." Sam nodded, jumped off the sofa and put the dvd in. A tear silently trickled down my cheek. My mobile started vibrating in my pocket. I answered it without looking at the screen, which, as I answered, I realised was a stupid thing to do. "Hello?" I said.
"Frankie," Liam said. His tone of voice sounded as though he was relieved he got through to me. "I...I miss you." I closed my eyes and bit my lip.
"Sure," I said sarcastically.
"I really do, I-" he was cut off when Sam spoke loudly.
"Is that Liam?" he asked and I nodded mutely. "Can I talk to him?"
"Um-" I said but this time Liam interrupted me.
"Put him on," he said. I just passed Sam my phone.
"Hello?" he asked, as though he didn't know who he would be talking to. He listened for a while and looked closely at me. "Red...I don’t know...yes...no...watching Ice Age 2. Do you want to come over?" My eyes went wide and Sam then looked at me closely again. "um...scared?" he said as a question. I frowned at him. "...Okay. Can Liam come over to watch Ice Age 2?"
"No," I said immediately and Sam's face crumpled and I realised that I was now the bad guy according to Sam.
"Please?" Sam asked. I didn't answer, I just took the phone off of Sam.
"Why are you doing this? Now he's upset with me for not letting you over, when you knew what I was going to say," I said.
"I can hope," he sighed.
"You should stop," I said softly and hung up.
Sam looked tearfully up at me. "He said his mum wouldn’t let him out anyway," I said and Sam nodded in acceptance. "What did he ask you?" I asked out of curiosity.
"Um...to say what your eyes looked like, if you've been crying, if you were sad. He asked if I knew why you were sad. He then asked what we were doing and if he could come over to watch it. He said I should ask you." I nodded.
"Why did you say scared?" I asked and he frowned.
"Oh! He asked what you looked like after I asked him to come over," he said. He said I'd looked scared. Am I scared to face Liam? I sighed. I was terrified.
On Friday, my gran phoned. I don’t know why I hadn’t thought of her before, but as soon as I heard her voice I had my answer. She was mum's mum and had been phoning to check on mum, but once I told her that mum had gone away she was worried. "Why are you at home, honey?" she asked.
"I have to look after Sam," I said.
"You should be at school," she said, almost scolded. I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to be at school, but I knew I should be. "How about we look after Sam until your mum gets home?"
"I don’t know how much longer she will be," I said.
"That's fine, sweetie, we don’t have much to do anyway, and we'd love to have Sam," she said and I smiled. She was talking about herself and granddad, but I knew they were a team and her including him in her 'we' was normal.
"Are you really sure?" I asked.
"Of course! Don't worry about it," she said.
"Thanks," I said softly.
"How about we come and pick him up on Sunday and you can come back to ours for Sunday lunch and we will bring you home again Sunday night?" she suggested and I smiled.
"Sounds great," I said.
"Good, we'll see you on Sunday then," she said. "Graddad will be there at about 10.30."
"Okay, thanks," I said.
"Bye, Francesca," she said. She had never been able to call me Frankie.
"Bye," I replied and hung up.
I went up to see Sam in his room, playing with a plastic toy ship. "Hey, Sam, you're going to be staying with Gran and Granddad for a while, ok?" I asked and he grinned. He loved going to their house because he got to sleep in a 'big boy bed' – a double bed.
"Is mum coming with us?" he asked and I winced inwardly.
"No, honey, its just you," I said and he frowned. "You will be able to play with Graddad all day, and just think of all the sweets Gran will give you." I saw Sam's eyes light up at the thought.
"Are you coming?" he asked.
"On Sunday I'll come up with you and stay for lunch, but I've got to be back for school," I said and he nodded and went back to playing. I left the room and went downstairs to make lunch.
That afternoon I watched Titanic because I was in that sort of mood. At the bit where I normally cry – when Jack disappears in the water – no tears came. I wondered if it was because I didn't have any tears left. I then thought of how I would feel if it was Liam who was falling into the ocean, staring lifelessly up at me and tears immediately sprang into my eyes. I thought back over what had happened yesterday when he had come over. More tears pooled in my eyes. He'd said he loved me. I wished I could believe him, I wish I had handled it better. But my heart hurt whenever I had to think about him. I didn't know what to do anymore. Before, it was natural, relaxed. Now whenever he talks to me, I never know if he's lying, because he wants to tell me something he thinks I want to hear.
I forced those thoughts out of my head. I went up to my room and went on the computer. I signed onto facebook and saw that Liam had changed his relationship status from 'single' to 'it's complicated'. I smiled humourlessly. 'Complicated' was one word for it. I saw some of his stupid friends had commented on the status. One of them said, 'ohh, lady troubles, is it?' Liam had replied by saying, 'fuck off.' I smiled slightly at that, a true, genuine smile. My image of Liam was really mixed up and now I didn't know who the real Liam was. I wanted to believe he was the hard-working, loving, caring, smart, funny guy, who didn't take any crap from anyone...but then he goes and...breaks my heart. Maybe the real Liam is the guy who uses people, who lies and who cheats to get what he wants. I quickly signed off facebook because it was making me sad again.
Instead, I just sat on my bed, grabbed a book and started reading. I forced myself to focus on the words, the story. I wouldn’t let my thoughts stray. I managed to read half the book, even though I think I was just looking at the pages, not really taking in what it was saying, because by page 150 I had no idea what was going on. I didn't even know the main character's name. I put the book aside and went in to check on Sam. He wasn’t in his room so I went downstairs.
I found him watching television. I sat down next to him and wrapped my arm around his shoulders. "Can we watch Ice Age 2?" he asked and I smiled and nodded. "Does Liam want to watch it with us?" My smile wavered.
"Not at the moment," I said shakily. "He can't come over."
"Should we wait for him?" he asked and I shook my head.
"No, there's no use waiting for him," I sighed. "We should just do it without him." Sam nodded, jumped off the sofa and put the dvd in. A tear silently trickled down my cheek. My mobile started vibrating in my pocket. I answered it without looking at the screen, which, as I answered, I realised was a stupid thing to do. "Hello?" I said.
"Frankie," Liam said. His tone of voice sounded as though he was relieved he got through to me. "I...I miss you." I closed my eyes and bit my lip.
"Sure," I said sarcastically.
"I really do, I-" he was cut off when Sam spoke loudly.
"Is that Liam?" he asked and I nodded mutely. "Can I talk to him?"
"Um-" I said but this time Liam interrupted me.
"Put him on," he said. I just passed Sam my phone.
"Hello?" he asked, as though he didn't know who he would be talking to. He listened for a while and looked closely at me. "Red...I don’t know...yes...no...watching Ice Age 2. Do you want to come over?" My eyes went wide and Sam then looked at me closely again. "um...scared?" he said as a question. I frowned at him. "...Okay. Can Liam come over to watch Ice Age 2?"
"No," I said immediately and Sam's face crumpled and I realised that I was now the bad guy according to Sam.
"Please?" Sam asked. I didn't answer, I just took the phone off of Sam.
"Why are you doing this? Now he's upset with me for not letting you over, when you knew what I was going to say," I said.
"I can hope," he sighed.
"You should stop," I said softly and hung up.
Sam looked tearfully up at me. "He said his mum wouldn’t let him out anyway," I said and Sam nodded in acceptance. "What did he ask you?" I asked out of curiosity.
"Um...to say what your eyes looked like, if you've been crying, if you were sad. He asked if I knew why you were sad. He then asked what we were doing and if he could come over to watch it. He said I should ask you." I nodded.
"Why did you say scared?" I asked and he frowned.
"Oh! He asked what you looked like after I asked him to come over," he said. He said I'd looked scared. Am I scared to face Liam? I sighed. I was terrified.