Remembering Sunday

I woke up, noticing my head was clearer than normal. This wasn't good. I got up, looking around for a clock, becoming increasingly aware of my soberness. My eyes landed on the clock, the red numbers shining brightly in the dark room; reading 2:04 a.m. I sighed and got up, tripping over empty beer bottles and cans. I got up and started toward my kitchen. I ran a hand over my face, feeling the stubble on my face. I hadn't shaved in a few days.

That's when the memory of the events of this past Sunday broke free. I let out a sob and closed my eyes tightly. I pressed my palms over my eyes trying to stop the stream of images from continuing. I lowered my hands and continued toward my kitchen, tears leaking from my eyes. My mouth felt dry as I opened my refrigerator. I let out another sob when I saw the empty fridge. I had drank all of my alcohol. I couldn't go and buy more. Everything was closed. I wiped my nose on my sleeve as I continued to cry. I shut the fridge and went back to my bedroom. I sat on my bed, placing my head in my hands and full out crying now. I couldn't escape the memories now.

One Month Ago

I saw him again. He always sat by himself, at the same table, pretending to read a newspaper, while eating the same breakfast he got everyday. But I knew he spent most of his time watching me. But then I would catch him staring. He'd look down at his paper. Then it was my turn to watch him. Until he caught me staring. Then it was his turn. We had been doing this same routine for a little over a week now. We hadn't introduced ourselves to each other. We just watched each other from opposite sides of the small diner.

I looked down at my plate of food. I wish I was more confident. He was incredibly good looking. He seemed interested. I knew I was. But I was afraid to make the first move. Afraid of being rejected. Afraid of finding out that he wasn't...well, into guys. I only assumed that he was into guys because of how he would watch me. But I could be wrong. I'd been wrong before.

I watched him as he finished his breakfast. He folded up the newspaper he had been 'reading', and pulled out his wallet, tossing some money onto the table. I watched as he stood up and headed toward the door of the diner. He glanced my way as he neared the door. I decided to not look away and held his gaze until he looked away. I was surprised when he stopped at the door. I watched curiously as he hesitated, his hand ready to push the door open. But instead, he lowered his hand and turned around slowly, facing me. I was shocked when he started heading my way. He stopped at my table.

"Can I sit down for a moment?" he asked, gesturing towards one of the empty chairs at my table.

"Yeah," I said. He sat in the chair to my left.

"I thought I'd come introduce myself and say that I think the staring contest we had going on has gone on long enough," he said smiling at me. "I'm Gerard."

"Frank," I said, still a bit in shock.

"Nice to meet you Frank," he said. Gerard. I was already in love with his name. "Now, I have a question for you, and if it makes you uncomfortable, I apologize. I don't mean to offend you or anything. I was just wondering if I could buy you dinner tonight."

My mind went blank. I couldn't believe this was happening to me. I must have been silent for too long though because before I realized it Gerard was getting up and apologizing to me for wasting my time.

"Wait," I said, grabbing his wrist as he started to walk away. He stopped to look at me. I met his gaze and smiled. "I'd be glad to let you buy me dinner tonight."

As Gerard took in what I had just said, he smiled.

"Great," he said. "How about I meet you outside here at about 7?"

"Sounds good," I said, smiling.

"Great," Gerard said. "See you at 7."

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Gerard was waiting for me when I arrived outside the diner. The moment I saw Gerard, though, I wasn't hungry anymore. Not hungry for food, anyways. He must have felt the same way because instead of saying anything, his lips were instantly on mine, kissing me hard. Not caring who was around to see.

"Do you live nearby?" he asked breathlessly. I nodded my head and we hurried back to my apartment. He asked where my apartment was. He led me up the stairs to my apartment looking back at me several times to grin at me. I couldn't help but grin back.

When we were inside my apartment, he found my bedroom quickly. He pushed me onto my bed before crawling on top of me, attaching his lips to mine again.

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Later, we lay together in my bed, both of us naked and sticky from sweat.

"I want you to know," Gerard said quietly. "I've never really been in a serious relationship. Any time I've gotten into one, I always ended up screwing them up somehow. But I want to give it a real try with you. There's just something about you that's different."

I smiled and snuggled into his chest. I barely knew him, but I was incredibly happy about his choice. This beautiful man was mine.

Present

I lay back on my bed, remembering mine and Gerard's first night together. I rolled over, burying my face in my blankets. I could almost smell him. This brought on another fresh round of tears.

This Past Sunday

We were having our usual Sunday breakfast at the diner where we had met. Gerard had been abnormally quiet this morning.

"Are you ok, Gee?" I asked, taking a sip of my coffee. He looked up at me and smiled. The smile looked strained.

"Yeah," he said. "Why?"

I shrugged.

"You've just been quiet all morning," I said.

"I'm just tired," Gerard said. I didn't believe him, but I didn't say anything. I just nodded my head.

Gerard didn't say anything else until we had finished breakfast.

"I hope you don't mind," Gerard said. "But I think I'm going to go to my place to take a nap."

"That's fine," I said. I started to pull out my wallet to pay for breakfast, but Gerard stopped me.

"I'll get breakfast today," Gerard said.

"But it's my turn to pay today," I said.

"It's fine," Gerard said. "I'll get it."

I pushed my wallet back into my pocket.

"If you insist," I said smiling at him. He smiled back.

When we got outside, Gerard kissed me.

"I'll see you later, okay?" Gerard said.

"Of course," I said.

"Good," Gerard said. "Bye."

"Bye," I said. Gerard smiled and turned to go in the opposite direction of my apartment. I watched him go until he turned the corner, then I headed back to my building. Before going up to my apartment I decided to check my mailbox. I had one envelope. I pulled it out and saw only my name on the front. It wasn't addressed which was odd. There was only one person who could have put it there. I turned it over and opened it quickly. I unfolded the paper inside, and read it.

Dear Frank,
I've been trying to make our relationship work, but this is
hard for me. I need to say this now before you get more attached.
And saying it on paper is a hell of a lot easier than saying it in
person, which just proves one of my points that I'm a coward.
I find it hard to believe in love. I thought that if I found the right person
I could find love. But I don't think I can open up my mind to allow love.
To make things easier for us, I've decided to leave. It'd be easier if
we didn't see each other again. Before you get too attached to me.
Because if I stayed and we kept trying, I'd only end up breaking your
heart. And you deserve better than me. You're a great guy.
Gerard

I stared at the paper in my hands. Even though we had only been together for about a month, I felt deeply connected to Gerard. This note was breaking my heart, even though Gerard hadn't planned on it having this effect on me. The truth was, I loved Gerard. I'd loved him since that first night, and I don't care if people think that it's not real love. If people think it's just lust. Because I know in my heart that I loved Gerard. I knew that I needed to go stop Gerard from leaving and tell him how I feel.

I shoved the note in my coat pocket and hurried back outside. If I hurried, I might be able to catch him. I didn't know when he was leaving, but hopefully he didn't plan on leaving until later.

When I reached the diner it was starting to rain. I picked up the pace and rounded the corner Gerard had rounded not that long ago. I'd only been to Gerard's apartment once, but I remembered where it was. When I got there, it was pouring, and I was soaked quickly. I hit the button next to his name several times. I waited, impatiently, but got no reply. I hit it again. I saw an older lady coming towards the door. I practically attacked her when she opened the door. She let out a squeak of surprise as I pushed past her, rushing to the stairs and running to the second floor where Gerard's apartment was. I practically ran to his door, hitting my head as I ran into it. I started pounding on the door, not caring who I might be disturbing. I hadn't realized it until now, but I was crying. I heard a door open behind me but I didn't stop knocking on Gerard's door.

"He's not there, hun," said a feminine voice behind me. I continued to knock. I felt a hand resting on my shoulder. "You're looking for Gerard right?"

I stopped knocking to look at the women. She was probably in her 40s. I nodded my head frantically. She nodded solemnly.

"You just missed him," she said. "He left about 10 minutes ago."

"Do you know where he was going?" I croaked out.

"No," she said. "He can't be going far though. He doesn't even have a car."

"Thank you," I said quickly. I ran back to the stairs, going down them quickly. I exited the building and stopped looking both ways, deciding which way he had gone. I knew he couldn't have gone the way I had come from. I would have seen him, I would think. I started running down the street, looking at anyone I passed. There weren't many people walking around seeing as it was still raining. I ran faster, pushing myself harder. I had to find him. I had to tell him.

I was so distracted with finding Gerard, that I didn't even notice the large group of people ahead of me. Or the bright, flashing red and blue lights. When I did notice them, I slowed down when I reached the group. Maybe Gerard was in this group of people.

"Gerard!" I yelled. I started pushing myself through the crowd. "Gerard! Gee!"

There was no reply. I continued through the crowd, looking at the face of every person I passed. I soon found myself at the front of the group, standing behind the thin strip of police tape, and I still hadn't found Gerard. I stood up on my tip-toes and craned my neck looking over the crowd. I stood flat on my feet, glancing at the scene in front of me to see what was going on. I needed to keep moving. I started getting antsy when I saw a car smashed around a light pole. I scanned over it, my eyes landing on a body that was being beaten on by someone from the hospital, trying to get whoever the unlucky son-of-a-bitch was to come around. It didn't look good from the grim looks of the policemen. The guy from the hospital stopped what he was doing to look up at the police and shook his head sadly. I watched the policemen nod there heads slightly before one of them started to say something into his walkie. The guy from the hospital stood up, and I was able to clearly see the face of the man, dead in the middle of the street.

Gerard's P.O.V.

Sunday; After Breakfast

I walked slowly to my apartment building, holding off my plans to leave even by a little bit. Frank would probably find my note either when he got back or later. Whenever he decides to check his mail. I looked up at the sky which was growing darker from the thick, gray clouds covering it. It'd probably rain. Perfect. It fits my emotions. I shoved my hands in my pockets to warm them up and looked at my feet.

I knew leaving would be the best for Frank. I had already almost screwed up our relationship. I had been at a bar by myself last night and I quickly found myself checking out a guy who had been checking me out as well. I had started toward him, but had ended up stopping myself when I remembered Frank.

I had decided right then and there that I was leaving the next day. I got home as fast as I could, packing everything that was important to me. I was going to walk to the bus station and catch a bus to my brother's house. I had called him last night and he had said it was ok if I crashed at his place for a bit. After, I had written my note to Frank. I got to his building a little early this morning so that I could leave the note in his mailbox.

I reached my apartment building and headed inside. I went a little faster up the stairs. I went into my apartment and grabbed the backpack I had filled and left next to my door. I stepped back out. The door to the apartment across from mine opened.

"You leaving Gerard?" Sue, my neighbor asked, looking out at me.

"Yeah," I said. She nodded.

"Well," she said. "Good luck, I guess. And be careful."

"Thanks Sue," I said. She smiled at me before closing the door. I went back downstairs and back outside. It had started to rain, the precipitation growing steadily heavier. I started down the street, enjoying the feel of the cool rain water on my skin. It felt like it was washing all the bad emotions off of me. I tilted my face up to let the rain hit it more directly for a moment before looking straight ahead again. I felt a little better. I think this is a good idea.

It was pouring now. I still didn't care though. It still felt good. But I didn't hear the car's horn. Didn't realize the car was swerving over the slick roads toward me. I felt a mind numbing pain as I fell to the ground, my head smashing onto the wet concrete of the sidewalk. Everything went black.

Frank's P.O.V.

I felt all air leave my lungs. I couldn't breathe. I was choking on nothing, trying to breathe. I went under the police tape, heading towards Gerard's body.

"Hey, kid!" I heard someone yell. I collapsed on my knees next to Gerard's body. I was able to breathe now; but not well. My hands were shaking as I reached up to touch Gerard's cold wet face. I let out a sob. Then I felt arms pulling me up; away from Gerard.

"NO!" I yelled, trying to pull away from whoever was taking me away from Gerard. "LET ME GO! GERARD!"

I couldn't yell any longer because I was crying hysterically. I tried to fight off whoever was dragging me away, but it was useless. I landed on the ground when the person let me go and I stayed there. I didn't know what to do. After a while, I realized everyone was gone. Still crying, I got up and started back to my apartment. I passed a liquor store. I went back to it and went inside to get 2 cases of beer.

Present

I got out of my bed again, but this time I put on my shoes. I left my apartment and walked to the cemetery. I found the fresh grave. Gerard's grave. I sat on it. I had Gerard's note to me in my hand. I looked at it for a moment before pulling my lighter out of my pocket. I flicked it and held the flame to the piece of paper, catching it on fire. I set the paper on the ground in front of me, watching it burn. When the note was gone and the fire went out I closed my eyes and pictured Gerard's face. I'd pretend he never wrote that note. I'll let myself believe that he might have loved me. I loved him back. The car accident could just be a tragic accident that occurred when Gerard was walking back to his apartment to take an actual nap. I felt tired and laid down on my back, looking at the sky, knowing Gerard was probably up there, watching me. I smiled, closing my eyes and falling into a peaceful sleep. I could be happy believing that Gerard was up there. I'd join him one day. And when that day came, it would be the happiest day of my life.