Silence
Only for you
Part One
Brendon is staring at Ryan.
Ryan is staring at Brendon.
Staring. Just staring. Nothing else.
Silence.
A sigh from Brendon. Ryan sips his coffee. Still staring.
Brendon is waiting for Ryan to say something, even though he knows he won’t.
Ryan is trying desperately to think of something to say, even though he knows he never will.
So for now they are just staring.
Part Two
“Ry?”
A grunt in response.
“Ry, talk to me.”
“No.” There’s one word.
“Why not?”
“I can’t.” That’s two.
“Why can’t you, babe?”
Ryan just sighs and goes back to reading his paper. Tears rim both of their eyes, but they refuse to let the other see it. Brendon is crying from disappointment, despite the fact that he knew it this attempt was going to end this way. Ryan is crying being he has failed Brendon once again, due to the fact that he’s a complete asshole, as well as a total idiot.
Part Three
“Can I talk to you, Ryan?”
“I don’t want to talk right now.” It’s extremely likely that those are the most words he has said all day.
”Then can you listen?” Brendon waits for an answer he knows he won’t get.
“Look, Ry. I don’t know why you won’t talk to me anymore, but I really fucking wish you would. I have no idea what I did to deserve this screeching silence that has consumed our apartment. All I know is it’s driving me fucking insane, and there’s no doubt in my mind that it’s driving you crazy too. I just want you to say something, anything that isn’t a two word reply that you only say because you have no other choice but to respond.
“I’m starting to doubt this, Ry. You, me, everything that we’ve built together. I just wish you would change that. Give me a reason to be sure again, Ryan. Please,” Brendon begs.
“I don’t know what to say.”
“It isn’t that hard.”
“It is for me.”
“Whatever, Ryan. Just fucking forget it.”
Part Four
“Brendon?” Ryan inches into the living room nervously, shrinking back against the wall when Brendon’s eyes are drawn to him.
“What do you want?”
“I’m really not good at it.”
“At what?”
“Talking.”
“Ah, this again. What the fuck do you mean, you’re ‘not good at talking’?”
“I mean exactly what I said. I’m just not good at it. I never have been, really.”
“I don’t need your excuses. I don’t want them,” Brendon rolls his eyes, quickly growing extremely annoyed.
“It’s the truth! I can’t do it. It’s hard for me. I’ve always depended on everyone else to keep the conversation going, and—“ Ryan is cut of mid sentence by Brendon’s burning glare. “Yeah, I know. More excuses. I’m full of them. I’m so sorry, Brendon. I really am. But I’m so used to excuses saving me all the time that I don’t know what to do now that their magic has run out and they’re only getting me into more trouble.” Brendon rolls his eyes again. “Oops . . . that was another excuse, wasn’t it?”
“Yeah. It was.” Glaring.
“I’m so so so fucking sorry. See, I told you I’m not good at this!”
“Whatever, Ryan. If it’s really that hard for you, then don’t even bother. Don’t talk to me. I’ll just move out and we can break up. We won’t even have to pretend to be friends. That way, you’ll only have to tolerate talking to me for band stuff. Oh yeah, that’s most of our lives, isn’t it? Hmm . . . maybe Panic should just break up now. Everything would be so much easier that way, don’t you think?” Brendon isn’t even sure if he means any of this anymore. He just wants it to end.
Ryan’s eyes are red and rimmed with tears, he is shaking slightly from the silent sobs that vibrate throughout his body, originating in his lungs. “Brendon, please. Please don’t,” he whispered, his voice cracking with desperation.
“Don’t what?”
“Don’t do this. Fuck, Bren, I don’t want to lose you. I can’t lose you. I need you so fucking badly, Brendon. You’re my air, I’ll suffocate without you. Please.”
“Then fucking prove it, Ryan! If you want me, come get me! I’m right fucking here, Ry,” Brendon swung his arms out and laughed in his anger driven hysteria. “Just. Come. Get me.”
“I will, I will. I swear I will. I just . . . tomorrow. We’ll talk tomorrow. I promise you we will. Just let me think of what to say.” Tears begin to creep down his cheeks, leaving shiny wet trails behind them as proof that they had been there. There was a tiny part of Brendon that wanted to fold his arms around Ryan and cradle him close, kissing away the tears and telling him it was all going to be ok. To forget about the fight they had just had, he was being stupid. But he knows that he can’t do that. Ryan has to see what he’s going to lose if he keeps avoiding conversation at all costs. He has to prove that he would care if he lost Brendon. So he just pushed that side of him down further, muffling the echoing voice with everything he could think of.
“I will never understand why this is so fucking hard for you. This is bullshit. It’s just words! You’re a writer, you’re obviously not scared of words or something! So what the hell is the problem!?”
“Because it’s just fucking different! Especially now.”
“What’s so fucking different? Explain it to me, Ryan! I really want to understand.”
“I don’t want to say the wrong thing and hurt you, lose you. Because if I did that to you I’d never be able to forgive myself, and I have a bit of a history for choosing the wrong words.”
“Don’t be so damn scared, Ryan! I’m a big boy. Trust me, I can handle it. But not talking to me isn’t going to solve anything, because this way you’re losing me faster than if you said something to hurt me. You’re only making things fucking worse.”
“I’m so sorry,” Ryan whispered in a voice so soft Brendon almost didn’t hear him.
“You should be, Ry. You have until tomorrow. After that, we’re done. Forever.”
Part Five
“I love you.” Brendon glances up from his newspaper at the sound of Ryan’s tear soaked voice. “I love you so fucking much it hurts. And I can’t believe I’ve hurt you, I’d never hurt you on purpose, you know that, right? I fucking love you, Brendon. You’re my air. You’re my life. Don’t leave me, never leave me. I need you, Bren.” Ryan is sobbing uncontrollably by now. Brendon jumps up from his seat, cupping Ryan’s cheeks and pulling their lips together roughly. He has begun crying by now too, their tears mixing on their cheeks, falling to the floor together.
“Ryan,” he sobs when their lips eventually separate. “You did it, babe. That’s all I needed you to do and you did it. Ryan smiles.
“Only for you, Bren. No one else, just you.”
Brendon is staring at Ryan.
Ryan is staring at Brendon.
Staring. Just staring. Nothing else.
Silence.
A sigh from Brendon. Ryan sips his coffee. Still staring.
Brendon is waiting for Ryan to say something, even though he knows he won’t.
Ryan is trying desperately to think of something to say, even though he knows he never will.
So for now they are just staring.
Part Two
“Ry?”
A grunt in response.
“Ry, talk to me.”
“No.” There’s one word.
“Why not?”
“I can’t.” That’s two.
“Why can’t you, babe?”
Ryan just sighs and goes back to reading his paper. Tears rim both of their eyes, but they refuse to let the other see it. Brendon is crying from disappointment, despite the fact that he knew it this attempt was going to end this way. Ryan is crying being he has failed Brendon once again, due to the fact that he’s a complete asshole, as well as a total idiot.
Part Three
“Can I talk to you, Ryan?”
“I don’t want to talk right now.” It’s extremely likely that those are the most words he has said all day.
”Then can you listen?” Brendon waits for an answer he knows he won’t get.
“Look, Ry. I don’t know why you won’t talk to me anymore, but I really fucking wish you would. I have no idea what I did to deserve this screeching silence that has consumed our apartment. All I know is it’s driving me fucking insane, and there’s no doubt in my mind that it’s driving you crazy too. I just want you to say something, anything that isn’t a two word reply that you only say because you have no other choice but to respond.
“I’m starting to doubt this, Ry. You, me, everything that we’ve built together. I just wish you would change that. Give me a reason to be sure again, Ryan. Please,” Brendon begs.
“I don’t know what to say.”
“It isn’t that hard.”
“It is for me.”
“Whatever, Ryan. Just fucking forget it.”
Part Four
“Brendon?” Ryan inches into the living room nervously, shrinking back against the wall when Brendon’s eyes are drawn to him.
“What do you want?”
“I’m really not good at it.”
“At what?”
“Talking.”
“Ah, this again. What the fuck do you mean, you’re ‘not good at talking’?”
“I mean exactly what I said. I’m just not good at it. I never have been, really.”
“I don’t need your excuses. I don’t want them,” Brendon rolls his eyes, quickly growing extremely annoyed.
“It’s the truth! I can’t do it. It’s hard for me. I’ve always depended on everyone else to keep the conversation going, and—“ Ryan is cut of mid sentence by Brendon’s burning glare. “Yeah, I know. More excuses. I’m full of them. I’m so sorry, Brendon. I really am. But I’m so used to excuses saving me all the time that I don’t know what to do now that their magic has run out and they’re only getting me into more trouble.” Brendon rolls his eyes again. “Oops . . . that was another excuse, wasn’t it?”
“Yeah. It was.” Glaring.
“I’m so so so fucking sorry. See, I told you I’m not good at this!”
“Whatever, Ryan. If it’s really that hard for you, then don’t even bother. Don’t talk to me. I’ll just move out and we can break up. We won’t even have to pretend to be friends. That way, you’ll only have to tolerate talking to me for band stuff. Oh yeah, that’s most of our lives, isn’t it? Hmm . . . maybe Panic should just break up now. Everything would be so much easier that way, don’t you think?” Brendon isn’t even sure if he means any of this anymore. He just wants it to end.
Ryan’s eyes are red and rimmed with tears, he is shaking slightly from the silent sobs that vibrate throughout his body, originating in his lungs. “Brendon, please. Please don’t,” he whispered, his voice cracking with desperation.
“Don’t what?”
“Don’t do this. Fuck, Bren, I don’t want to lose you. I can’t lose you. I need you so fucking badly, Brendon. You’re my air, I’ll suffocate without you. Please.”
“Then fucking prove it, Ryan! If you want me, come get me! I’m right fucking here, Ry,” Brendon swung his arms out and laughed in his anger driven hysteria. “Just. Come. Get me.”
“I will, I will. I swear I will. I just . . . tomorrow. We’ll talk tomorrow. I promise you we will. Just let me think of what to say.” Tears begin to creep down his cheeks, leaving shiny wet trails behind them as proof that they had been there. There was a tiny part of Brendon that wanted to fold his arms around Ryan and cradle him close, kissing away the tears and telling him it was all going to be ok. To forget about the fight they had just had, he was being stupid. But he knows that he can’t do that. Ryan has to see what he’s going to lose if he keeps avoiding conversation at all costs. He has to prove that he would care if he lost Brendon. So he just pushed that side of him down further, muffling the echoing voice with everything he could think of.
“I will never understand why this is so fucking hard for you. This is bullshit. It’s just words! You’re a writer, you’re obviously not scared of words or something! So what the hell is the problem!?”
“Because it’s just fucking different! Especially now.”
“What’s so fucking different? Explain it to me, Ryan! I really want to understand.”
“I don’t want to say the wrong thing and hurt you, lose you. Because if I did that to you I’d never be able to forgive myself, and I have a bit of a history for choosing the wrong words.”
“Don’t be so damn scared, Ryan! I’m a big boy. Trust me, I can handle it. But not talking to me isn’t going to solve anything, because this way you’re losing me faster than if you said something to hurt me. You’re only making things fucking worse.”
“I’m so sorry,” Ryan whispered in a voice so soft Brendon almost didn’t hear him.
“You should be, Ry. You have until tomorrow. After that, we’re done. Forever.”
Part Five
“I love you.” Brendon glances up from his newspaper at the sound of Ryan’s tear soaked voice. “I love you so fucking much it hurts. And I can’t believe I’ve hurt you, I’d never hurt you on purpose, you know that, right? I fucking love you, Brendon. You’re my air. You’re my life. Don’t leave me, never leave me. I need you, Bren.” Ryan is sobbing uncontrollably by now. Brendon jumps up from his seat, cupping Ryan’s cheeks and pulling their lips together roughly. He has begun crying by now too, their tears mixing on their cheeks, falling to the floor together.
“Ryan,” he sobs when their lips eventually separate. “You did it, babe. That’s all I needed you to do and you did it. Ryan smiles.
“Only for you, Bren. No one else, just you.”
♠ ♠ ♠
This didn't come out the way I wanted. It sounded so good in my head, but I just couldn't make it sound the same on paper.I'm so sorry. I miss when we were like, best friends, and it's all my fault that we aren't anymore. This happened months ago, but I know that things aren't okay yet.
I miss you.
I love you.
I'm sorry.