Welcome to the Dark Carnival

March 29th,

I'm sitting in the studio with Madrox and Monoxide while J and Shaggy are working on putting together the Ringmaster album. Monoxide brought along a deck of cards and him, Madrox, and I played 3 way war, which ended in Jamie yelling loudly, Monoxide laughing so hard he could hardly breathe, and me throwing cards at Jamie for being loud. After the events that conspired four days ago, it seems like Madrox and Monoxide have become more in tune with my moods. If I walk in the room and they see I'm not happy, Madrox and Monoxide will start up a comedy routine just to get my mind off the sorrow. J has been trying to keep his jealousy down to a minimum. I don't want to call it jealousy, as he doesn't like me in that way, but that's the only word that I can use to describe how he's acting. I wonder how things have been with that girl he likes? Have they spoken to each other? Even if I can't be with J, I can't help caring about him. I hope him and that girl work it out, it'll be good for him.

Madrox is looking at me as I'm writing this, probably wondering what I could possibly be writing so much about. You want to know something? Jamie's actually pretty attractive in his own way. I guess that's where most of my sorrow comes from, my conflicting feelings. It always sucks when you like one person but it's even worse when you like another at the same time. Monoxide has been a great friend to me. Normally, we hardly ever speak but I found out that he's actually really cool and a lot of fun to talk to. He's quite compared to Madrox, I like that. He'll actually listen to me before commenting, whereas Jamie will just interrupt you. Silly fat kids.

It's been a month since my mother's passing and I feel as if this new family of mine has helped me cope. My mother always used to say that I needed to let more people in, but from what I suffered, she never pressed it and understood. She'd be proud of meeting the guys I've befriended. I think she'd like Shaggy, Rob, and Monoxide the most because they are the most understanding. Madrox and J would be the boys she'd have to keep separated because they can't even talk civilly when I'm around.

Getting back on the topic of J, maybe I should just let him go. I mean, nothing's really going to come out of our relationship, nor should it. We work together, and dating co-workers isn't a great idea. Besides…I'm leaving after I get enough money. Don't get me wrong, I love it at Psychopathic, it's just…I need to get out of Detroit. Oh well, I have to end this right now. J and Shaggy just finished and they promised me food.

~Hannah~

"You writing again?" asked J, trying not to make eye contact with me, something he's been doing for four days now. I nodded and Shaggy smiled before hugging me. "Come on, we'll go get some food" he said as the five of us got into the car. Monoxide and Madrox sat beside me while J and Shaggy were in the front. Monoxide had lit up a cigarette and was taking a long drag out of it before turning to me. "What were you writing?" he asked. "Wouldn't you like to know?" I asked, not telling him. "Well I just asked you so you should tell me" he retorted. "But if it's confidential, then should it be made public?" I asked, looking at him with a sly smile and a raised eyebrow. Monoxide just glared at me. "Damn it, you got me" he said. I just chuckled before staring out the window. Well, I actually had to look past Madrox to see the window. "Next time, I get the window seat" I said. Madrox just nodded and I saw J watching us from the rearview mirror. I smiled softly at him, causing him to look away. Sighing, I rested my head on Monoxide's shoulder and just enjoyed the ride.

Soon enough we got to McDonald's and just sat down while Madrox got everyone's food. Shaggy and Monoxide sat beside me while J and Madrox sat across from us. When Madrox finally came back, he had two trays piled with food. "One tray is your food guys" he said, putting that one down. "The other is yours?!" I asked incredulously. "Hey a fat kids gotta eat" he said, grinning. I shook my head and grabbed his large soda, taking a huge sip before putting it back. "Don't ever touch a fat kids food woman" said Jamie. I smirked and swiped four fries, laughing before putting them in my mouth. "I do what I want" I said before I picked up my hamburger. J just sat in silence, eating his food and trying to block out Jamie and I. I looked at him and motioned for Shaggy to move, a request to which he complied. "J can you come outside with me for a moment" I asked.

"yeah" was all he said before he followed me outside. "Now, I know you're going to tell me nothing's wrong, but I see otherwise. Now spill" I said, placing my hands on my hips. J just looked at me, not saying a word. "You know you make my job difficult right? I mean I have to consult you and Shaggy, which talking to you is a feat. Can't you just talk to me again?" I said. A moment of silence passed before J turned to me. "What's there to say? You like Jamie, that much is blatantly obvious. Go to him if he means that much to you" he said, venom slowly seeping into his words. I stood, shocked by his tone. "Joey…"I said. "Don't call me Joey! Can't you see what your actions are doing to me? To the rest of us? We're all falling apart because of you!" he said, his temper rising. I stood there, looking at the ground. His words cut much deeper then any knife could. A knife cuts through your skin but words can pierce the soul and when one's soul is already beaten and shattered as mine is, words can obliterate you.

My tears fell down my cheeks and the sobs never stopped. J just stood there, either not knowing what to do or just not caring. "…I'm sorry…" was all I said before I took off down the street, leaving J there by himself. My feet pounded on the sidewalk as I ran as far from McDonald's as I could possibly go. Halfway to my unknown destination, the sky opened up and cried along with me. After what felt like an eternity of running, I came across a park. Deciding to hide out here, I climbed up to the top of the castle like structure and sat under the roof of it. Pulling out my journal, I began to write.

I am just one big fuck up aren't I? Even J doesn't want me around, the one person who knew my whole story. I can't help people, I'm just a hindrance. My father was right when he told me I was worthless and no one would want me. Why would they? I just tear people apart. How much pain am I going to have to suffer before someone will come around to piece me back together? These little shards of myself keep shrinking and soon there'll be nothing left.
~Hannah~

After writing that, my mind came up with a poem that I was going to leave at Psychopathic before I took off.

She's got this journal filled
With all her black ink guilt
And love is the only thing keeping her alive
She's got her mind made up
That all she needs is love
Her heart is the only thing helping her decide
To breathe again, to breathe again

and when she's tired she doesn't sleep
a week since I've seen her eat
She's skin and bones, she's beautiful
no matter what
I wish I could help her see
she means the world to me
But the world, it doesn't mean much to her

Finishing up the poem, I closed my book before running towards Psychopathic. My feet slipped as I rushed to get there before the others, causing me to fall and scrape my leg. Not giving up, I got right back up and rushed again. When I got there, I was happy to see that there was no one there yet. Ripping out the poem, I slid it under the door before running off. My destination again unknown, as I ran for my life. There was nowhere for me to go, for me to stay. 'I guess it's back to the park' I thought as I headed back to the park and made myself comfy. 'It's going to be a long night'.