Welcome to the Dark Carnival

March 25,

Weeks had passed since the day J and I had fallen asleep in the car after the show. The guys at Psychopathic were growing more and more busy with the music and getting themselves out there. Every paycheck I had earned went into the bank for my college fund. I still hadn't told the guys that I'd be quitting after I got enough money for college. I had gotten my own room here at Alex's house. His mother didn't want me to sleep on the couch anymore so she had the guys clean out a storage closet for me to call my bedroom.

It's actually quite spacey and I feel comfortable here. Oh and Rob got me this journal. He said that if I was ever feeling like I couldn't handle anything or talk to anyone, that I should write it down to vent. I love having Rob around, he's definently like the big brother I've never had. However, J and I haven't gotten any closer, if anything we've gotten more distant. Jamie has been hanging around me more often and Monoxide has just been shooting me curious glances. It's as if he's trying to make sure Jamie doesn't hit on me or something. Shaggy has become a brother figure to me and is always helping me cope with my new life, as is Rob. You'd be surprised how different Rob is from J. Rob is a sweetheart and from the stories he's told me, he was in the military. I am glad to have met these guys, they are really helping me.

I just...wish J would speak to me again. It seems like ever since that day, he's been avoiding me and trying his hardest to speak to me as little as possible. It's as if he sees through me, like I'm some kind of ghost...

My writing was interrupted when Shaggy and Monoxide walked into the room. "Hey guys" I said, smiling at them. "Whatcha writin?" Monoxide asked, a cigarrete hanging from his lips. I shook my head and buried the journal under my blankets. "None of your business" I said, sticking my tongue out. "Fine then" he said, laughing. Shaggy just shook his head and jumped on the bed next to me. "So you likin your new room?" asked Shaggy. "Yeah, but seriously, did Alex's mom really have to give me a room? I was fine on the couch" I said. "Oh come on, the couch is about as comfortable as falling asleep on Monoxide" said Shaggy. "Hey, I'm comfortable I'll have you know" said Monoxide. I raised an eyebrow at the skinny man in my doorway. "Really? I seriously thought that skin and bones wasn't so comfortable. I mean I'd probably end up in pain the next morning" I said, teasing Monoxide. He just rolled his eyes at me. "Well, it's your day off today so we'll let you go" said Shaggy as he ruffled my hair before leaving. I shook my head at them before starting to write again.

I actually miss having J around. Even if we end up having arguements at times, he's actually a sweet guy. Not having him around as often as he used to makes this new family of mine seem out of place. It's incomplete and I wish I could fix it. I guess I can always hang out with Jamie, he'll make me laugh and cheer me up. He's actually very sweet, although a bit loud and obnoxious. I think J hates it that Madrox hits on me, then again he did say he thinks of me as a sister, so that could be the reason. Although...Rob had cryptically allueded to the fact that J was lying. There's more to this whole situation that I just can't seem to figure out. I guess only time will tell where these puzzle pieces will fall.

~Hannah~

Closing my journal, I placed it under my pillow and walked out of the room, heading towards the studio. As I approached, I heard voices coming from inside. Feeling my curiousity get the better of me, I leaned against the door to hear who was talking. "Joe you can't keep ignoring her like this" came Rob's voice. "Rob, you don't understand how aggrevating it is to see him with her and being able to honestly do
anything" said J. "Joe I understand how you are feeling but don't you think you should be able to talk to her about it?" Rob asked. "Oh so now you want me to talk to her? Before you didn't want me to" said J, his voice rising. "That was before I saw how you chose to act and how it was affecting her" said Rob as he walked to the door. I backed away and made it look like I was just walking past when Rob came out. "Hannah?" he asked, shocked to see me there. I turned and smiled at him. "Oh hey Rob" she said. "Did you hear that just now?" he asked. "What?" I asked, trying to keep an innocent face.

Rob sighed and patted me on the shoulder before walking past me. "Talk to him" was all he said before he disappeared down the hall. Heading to wards the room Rob had just left, I saw J sitting there with his head in his hands. "Hey Joey" I said softly. J looked up at me, shock evident on his face and his eyes. Slowly approaching him, I saw that this was the place that J and Shaggy went to when they were writing songs. It was a place I had considered sacred so I chose to stay away from. "What's wrong Joey?" I asked him, sitting down beside him. "Did Rob tell you my name?" he asked. "Yes he did. So did Alex and Shaggy. Shaggy told me you guys both have the same name. Remind me to use that when I need both of your attention" I said, smiling softly. J just nodded and stayed silent.

I sighed softly and then I wrapped my arms around J. "Tell me what's wrong" I asked. "There's this girl" said J, turning to look at me. "Is she pretty?" I asked, letting go so I could sit comfortably and face him. "Yeah she is" said J. "what's she like?" I asked. "She's got a smile that could light up all of Detroit, it's a shame I hardly ever see it" he said. "Why's that?" I pressed on with my questions. "She's gone through so much in her life, that she finds it hard to smile, but when she does, it can make the gods take notice. She's a ray of sunshine, hidden by dark storm clouds" he said, looking at the wall. "Her laugh is like bells, as cliche as that may sound" he said, trying not to chuckle. I smiled softly and shook my head. "It's not cliche, I like how you described it" I said. "Do I know this girl?" I asked. J hesitated for a moment before answering. "No, you don't" he said. "Well, I'd like to meet her someday" I said.

"We haven't spoken in the longest time" J said, avoiding my stare. "Why?" I asked. "There's another guy who likes her" he said. "Oh Joey. If there's another guy, you can't roll over and call it quits. You can't even ignore her for so long. If you do, she'll think your not interested when it is quite clear that you are. If she is worth fighting for, then fight. Don't give up, it'll only leave you with regrets" I said before giving him a quick kiss on his cheek and then leaving J there to contemplate my words. Walking down the hall, I saw Rob leaning against the wall. "You heard that, didn't you?" I asked. He nodded, smirking at me. "You need to quit being so naive and see the signs in front of you" he said. "What are you talking about?" I asked. "Take your own advice, it'll be useful to you" he said, before walking away. "Damn it Rob! You just confused me" I said quitely to myself.

Walking back to my room, I tried to figure out what Rob meant. Finding no possible answer in my thoughts, I groaned and fell onto my bed. Grabbing my journal, I began to write another entry.

Joey likes someone. Apparently she's very pretty and has the ability to make him so happy. I'm happy for him...ok...maybe I'm not really happy...I have no idea why...but I feel resentment towards this new girl. Why can't I have made him happy?...did I really just write that? I can't be...no I can't have feelings for Joey, not now, not ever. We are co-workers, it's not allowed...oh who am I kidding, I knew I liked him ever since he had listened to my stories and told me his. I hope this new girl treats him well, he deserves it for all he's done for me. I just want him to be happy, even if it means I might be crying on the inside. Why did I have to like J of all people?...

~Hannah~