Those Worse Off Than You

I really don't know why I stormed off- I never do! I always do. I just get so frustrated and angry with myself that I just don't want to hear anyone state the obvious- I know they can't help. They think they can- but they're worng. No one's ever been able to help. They've just made it worse. They try... but you can't fix what's already been broken.

And Jayde... she's so beautiful and innocent, I never mean to take it out on her- it just happens! I just... can't help myself. She's always the one to care about me... she's the one who's always there- in every humiliating scene I make. Every mistake. Every accident. Every breakdown. And she's always there to say 'it's okay.. you're fine- you'll do better next time'.

But it's not okay! I'm useless, look at me! I can't even defend myself against a few billies. I didn't even try. I let them beat me up. I liked it. I almost want more... I want to be hurt so badly... that I don't even feel anymore. So that I don't have to see anybody's disapointed face when I wake up. They say their sorry, I give out my appology... and then it's over.

But it's never over. The feeling is always there. Nobody's on my side. Not the Careworkers. Not Alex. Not Jayde's parents. Not Dr. Green. Not Angel. Not Jayde. The all think it's okay. They have hope and faith in me... they think I'll turn out okay. When the truth is- I don't think I'll turn out at all. And you never turn out unless you want to...

I'm so sick of letting everyone down. I'm so sick of letting myself down. I'm so sick of seeing the world pass by and not even stop to pay a split second of notice to me. It didn't matter anymore.

***

I smirk at my own sick thoughts and kick the nearest parkbench as I pass it, sending more aching pains up my leg. I kick a garbage can... Chase a little boy down the road, and look up to the horizon, where the sky is beginning to stain bloody red rivers across the sky. Below it, is an overpass, fully occupied by people rushing home to their families for dinner.

The thoughts are racing through my head. What would the Care Center do if they noticed I never came back tonight? Call the cops? The cops wouldn't be able to stop me now, would they? What would Angel and Jayde do when they saw a boy splattered across the pavement on the news? What would Jayde's parent's think of their daughter knowing a complete maniac?

No- No one could stop me now. Not after the thoughts are rushing around, creating messes of messages- messages I've been longing to hear. Almost subliminal. It was time. I was incinsible and no one could stop me. They havn't the power. They havn't the authority. They havn't the guts or wit. They havn't the ignorance...