Those Worse Off Than You

My heart wasn't beating- it couldn't possibly be beating. It was moving to rapidly in my chest to be beating. My mouth was dry, my palms sweaty.

I continued to run down the street, despite the aching in my side. I hadn't bothered to tell my parents were I was going- they would hate me if I did. But I had to see him for myself. I had to know it wasn't true. I wanted to arrive at that room to see it empty. This had never exsisted.

But that couldn't have been true- for when I got to the hospital- the nurses and doctors all gave me the same sympathetic look. The one I was used to seeing. This hospital was becoming a second home to me...

I stopped when I got to the room. Was I ready? Could I do this? Was I able to face my worst fear? No- I most definately was not. I could turn back and leave now- come back another time. But then I decided not to. I decided it would be better to face that fear.

I closed my eyes as I walked in the doorway and opened them when I got in the room as the tears stung my eyes out. Burning them as they forced themselves outwards as I tried to keep them in.

"Ace," I wimpered, collapsing at his side, touching his bone structure limply. "Oh God- Ace- what did you do? Oh dear... what happened? Why?"

I forced myself to look at him, his drowning eyes trying to observe me in a most uncomfortable way looking for words. "I... I'm sorry," I sobbed. "I couldn't take it anymore. I let myself down too much- I let you down to much! It's so humiliating- I just can't live with myself anymore. Send me away! Cast me away from society! Lock me up! I'm losing my mind! Please... I love you. So much. I can't do this anymore. I can't... I've tried. I've fought for so long. I just can't... I'm sorry. I love you. I'm sorry..."

I brought his hand to my lips, brushing them together lightly. "Why can't we help you? Ace- tell me why this can't be okay? I want so such for it to be okay... how? How do we fix this?"

"We can't," he stated, his voice squeeking. "I tried. I tried... so hard," he sobbed while shaking his head. "But I can't do it... I'm too weak. I tried so hard... just for you. I love you so much. But I couldn't take it. I wanted to die- I wanted to much to succeed this time... And he saved me. Stupid man... I'd rather die a thousand times over than see you're look of disapointment... I disapoint you so much."

"You don't disapoint me- you worry me. Ace- God.. I want to help you so much. I want you out of here. I want you to be free and happy. I want to see you smile and mean it. I want to say 'I love you', and trust that it's the best time to say it. But you're insane. You need help- medication, maybe. There has to be something to help you! Something that can do something for you! You can't help yourself... and I believe that you've tried. I still have faith in you... I always have, havn't I?"

He blinked away his tears as his face turned red in humiliation. "Please don't leave me, please... I need you," he said.

"I'm not going anywhere," I stated, making myself move to the bed beside him, squeezing myself against his bruises. "Trust me. Trust me to trust you. I trust you to trust me," I stated, grasping his hand and squeezing it hard as he continued to breakdown before me. It had to have been better to be me than a crowd... or a doctor.

He tired himself out. He gasped for breath as he stuttered for air, almost hyperventalating- I was almost hyperventalating... I felt so bad. So giulty. Why hadn't I seen this before? Why couldn't I be enough to help him?