Forgive Me

“So, where are we going exactly?” Jack was fidgeting with the strap to my guitar. He’d grabbed it the second I was within reach, and threw it over his head, but now he was constantly complaining about the strap being too small.

“I thought you said Central Park.” I breathed in deep, the cool, light New York air feeling so good in my lungs after those months of heavy, hot air.

“I kind of want to do the subway.” He suggested and I immediately started shaking my head.

“To loud.” I commented and he nodded.

“Central Park then.” He agreed and we crossed the street to the pretty, green park. I loved being only a few minutes away from this place. It was so gorgeous, and the perfect place to think. “So, have you and Alex talked?” I looked over at him quizzically, waiting for him to continue, as we sat down on a bench. “You know, about the whole living situation thing?” Everything got more clouded as I tried to understand the exact thing he was asking me.

“What do you mean, ‘living situation’?” Better to be blunt than aversive, right?

“Ana.” Jack groaned as he swung the guitar over so it rested on his knee now. “Don’t try to tell me you haven’t thought about what you guys are going to do, I know you have. Your face gets all sad and droopy when you look at him sometimes, it’s hard not to notice. I can’t believe you guys haven’t talked about it yet.” He rolled his eyes dramatically, causing me to giggle though the conversation was more serious than most of Jack’s.

“So you mean, what are we going to do about me living in New York and him in Maryland?” I vocalized what I guessed Jack was talking about. The big impending doomsday question that was killing me, and I’m pretty sure it was killing Alex too. Jack nodded as he started to play random strings on my guitar, pretending to tune it when it was already perfectly tuned. “We haven’t talked about it yet.” I admitted and stared down at our shoes.

“And why’s that?” He looked up at me, quirking his eyebrow as he started to play actual notes now.

“I dunno,” I shrugged and brought my gaze up to the guitar. “We just got home, and we still have, like, a week before everybody’s going back to Maryland.”

“Excuses, excuses.” Jack shook his head and started to play the very familiar intro to ‘Semi-Charmed Life’.

“I’m scared Jack.” I mumbled before we were supposed to start singing; however Jack immediately stopped playing at my three words.

“Scared of what, Ana?” He laid the guitar down on his lap and looked at me with such concern.

“What if he leaves?” I whispered and looked up at Jack. He opened his mouth and then closed it, pulling me into an awkward hug with the guitar between us still.

“Ana, I’m shocked that that would even cross your mind. You know Alex loves you, more than anything. Why on earth would he leave, and where would he go?” I could feel Jack shaking his head and I just buried mine into his chest.

“I don’t know, it’s just whenever I think to start the conversation it always runs through my mind. What if?” I mumbled and wiped the few tears that had fallen.

“Well, the thought is just absurd. You and Alex are the perfect couple everybody wishes they were. You know, he’d probably die for you.” I snorted at how corny the line was and how serious Jack had said it. “I mean that.” He squeezed me harder for a second and then let go, pushing me away so he could look into my face. “Now forget these foolish thoughts and sing with me!” His hands went back to the strings of the guitar as he started to strum again. “You can talk to Alex when we get back.” The thought made my stomach flip, but I pushed the thoughts from my mind while I could and focused back on Jack playing my guitar.

We sat on the bench for about an hour and played a bunch of Third Eye Blind Songs, while I made Jack play ‘All Your Reasons’ by Matchbox Twenty as our last song. Jack took my hand and pulled me up from the bench afterward, forcing me to skip with him all the way back to the apartment.

“I’m hooome, Lucy!” Jack yelled as he threw the door open after I’d unlocked it.

“Lucy’s not here monkey face, so go away!” Maria yelled back at him and Jack’s face fell.

“That’s not very nice.” He put on his puppy pout and hopped over the couch to sit next to her. I, meanwhile, shut the door behind us and relocked it before taking my shoes and jacket off.

“How much did you guys get from playing?” Alex questioned as he walked out from the kitchen with a bowl of cereal in his hands. His warm, brown eyes met mine and I melted. There were times like these, when just looking at him made me realize how lucky I was to finally be able to call him my own. Just seeing his smile would make my heart stop for a few seconds.

“Three dollars and fifty-two cents.” Jack sighed and threw the two dollars and change from his pocket onto the coffee table. “People are such cheapskates now.” He shook his head in disgust before leaning back and zoning into the TV.

“There was this one lady that said she’d give us a twenty if we stopped singing.” I giggled and stumbled into Alex, wrapping my arms around his waist and placing my face in between his shoulder and neck. He wrapped one arm around me and then turned slightly to set his bowl down on the kitchen counter and wrap the other around me too.

“But we didn’t!” Jack stuffed his fist in the air.

“I would have paid you fifty just to shut up.” Rian laughed while Jack shot him a glare. “Not you though, Ana, you sound so good, I’d pay more than three dollars to hear you.” He leaned his head back against the couch to look at me in Alex’s arms upside down.

“And fifty-two cents.” Jack coughed, not so smoothly and Maria smacked him on the back of his head.

“Shut up, Barakat. I’m trying to watch cartoons here.” She said in a ‘duh’ tone and I finally took notice that she was sitting on top of Zack. I eyed the two of them suspiciously, but as far as I could tell there was nothing going on. No secret hand holding, or cuddling, just Maria sitting on someone because they were in her spot on the couch.

I took a deep breath and stepped up on my tip toes to whisper in Alex’s ear. “We need to talk, babe.” My stomach turned at my own words, and from Alex’s expression, his was turning too. He nodded and let go of me, except for my hand, which he used to pull me down the hall and to my bedroom. Alex closed the door behind us and we sat down on the bed.

“What’s the matter?” I had been avoiding looking at him the whole time, but his words, so hastily said and filled with so much worry, brought my eyes straight to his.

“Nothing, sweetie. It’s just,” I stopped and my eyes dropped back down to my hands. I let them linger there for a few minutes before I felt his warm fingers under my chin, pulling my face up so I had to look him in the eyes again.

“Just?” He questioned and I saw that he had calmed down a bit. Not worried anymore, just anxious.

I sighed, finally deciding the only way to do this was to dive in. “What are going to do?” I started the same way Jack had.

Alex sighed just as heavily as I had. At least we were along the same lines. “I know you’re going to hate quitting your job after you just started.” My eyebrows scrunched together as I stared at him in awe. “But, I promise to make it up to you somehow.” He took both my hands in his and gave me a small smile. I let out an amused laugh.

“Alex, hun,” I gripped his hands and kept eye contact, “I’m not quitting.” His mouth opened a little, probably from the shock I had just been in. We had apparently not been on the same lines. “I did just start my job, but I already love it, and I’m not quitting and going back to Maryland. I’m going to move here, with Maria, and work at Fuse.” I decided to wait and let that sink in. Alex opened and closed his mouth several times before shaking his head at me.

“Where exactly does that leave us?” He sounded so hurt, I had to close my eyes and force the pain out of my own heart. It was hard enough to watch him go through pain, but to cause it was much worse.

“I’m supposing it leaves us on a long distance relationship.” I mumbled and fixed my eyes on our hands, still clasping each other. “Which is where we would be even if I was going back to Maryland.”

“No, it wouldn’t. You’d come home with me, and then go on tour whenever we did just like always. We’d be together always.” He shook his head more forcefully before pulling his hands out of mine. Cold dread took over and I bit my bottom lip to keep from crying as he got up from the bed and started to pace the room.

“This is where I need to be now, Alex. You have to understand how important this is to me.” I could hear my own voice quavering and Alex quickly turned on his heel to look at me. My tears were brimming my eyes and I’m sure he noticed as he rushed to my side, kneeling in front of me and grasping my hands once more.

“Ana, I can’t live without you.” His brown eyes had such depth to them, and his words hurt so much that the tears finally escaped my eyes. There was no use in trying to fight back now. I was about to tell Alex that I couldn’t live without him either, when his eyes brightened. “Move in with me.” His tone was just as bright as his eyes and happy, like we were talking about going to Disneyland. My nose scrunched up as I tried to keep up with him.

“Alex, I can’t go back to Maryland.” I shook my head slowly and his grin widened.

“Move in with me.” He insisted and stood up, pulling me up with him too. “Here” He wrapped his arms around my waist and smoothly bent down to kiss me. It took less than seconds for me to kiss him back, but more than a few to work out what he meant. I pulled back first and settled my hands on his chest.

“You’re going to move to New York, with me?” I strung together slowly and he nodded vigorously.

“Please.” Alex smirked and kissed me. “Move.” He kissed me again and I couldn’t help but smile at his adorableness. “In.” He kissed me again. “With.” I giggled when he kissed me this time. “Me.” He grinned at his genius plan and waited for my answer. I grabbed at the collar of his shirt to pull him down to me and crash his lips into mine and keep them there as I wrapped my arms around his neck. I could feel his lips curl up in the kiss and his grip around my waist tightened, my toes just barely skimming the ground.

After a few minutes, Alex set me back down on the ground and pulled away from me, still waiting for my answer. I giggled at the fact that he even still needed one. “I would love to move in with you Mr. Gaskarth.” He smiled real wide and squeezed his eyes shut, making me giggle harder at his cute expression. “Excited much?”

“You have no idea.” Alex shook his head and just stared at me. “I love you.”

“Mmmmm, I love you too.” I leaned all of my weight into him and tilted my head back with my lips puckered. He chuckled and bent down to give me a sweet, small kiss.

“How should we break the news to the rest of ‘em?” Alex squeezed my waist a little and pulled me closer to him, something that should have been impossible yet he still managed to do.

“I’ve got a plan.” I grinned with a little mischief in it and pulled Alex by his hand out of the room with me, toward the living room. “Rian!” I yelled, hoping he was still on the couch with the rest of everybody. “Rian!”

“Right here Ana.” Rian walked from the kitchen and stood with his hands on his hips behind the couch. I giggled a bit as I took in the flour that almost covered his body. Glancing around, I also realized that everyone else had disappeared from the living room and at hearing Maria’s giggles in the dead quiet kitchen; I knew exactly what was going on. “Flour fight?”

“Just a little one.” Rian held up his index finger and thumb really close and I rolled my eyes.

“I wanna join!” Alex raised his hand before kissing my cheek and running toward the kitchen, causing both Rian and I to erupt laughing.

“Fuck Alex, you could have warned us you were running in here.” Maria yelled after a little commotion. I was betting that they’d all been waiting by the entrance, as quiet as they could be, to hear our conversation before Alex ran into them.

“So, what did you need darling?” Rian slowly swaggered over to me and smoothly placed his arm around my shoulders, sending a little bit of flour everywhere.

“I was just going to ask you to book two more tickets on that plane of yours that leaves tomorrow morning.” I shrugged nonchalantly and briskly walked to the kitchen while he froze behind me and everybody in the kitchen also froze, except Alex, who looked bummed out that nobody would throw flour with him.

“Why do you need a plane ticket?” Maria asked with a tint of nervousness to her tone. She thought I was leaving her.

“Well, I have to get to Maryland somehow to pack and ship all of my things here, and course there’s breaking the news to my ‘rents. It’s always better to do that in person.” I was still talking in my nonchalant voice and I grinned wide at the end, waiting for Alex to take his cue.

“Two tickets?” Rian had finally managed to walk to the kitchen entrance and stared at me with such a befuddled expression that I could no longer keep the nonchalant facade.

“Yeah, well, one’s for me.” All eyes shifted to Alex as he smiled like a dork. “The whole packing thing really does help when you’re in the same state as your stuff.” He shrugged and it was dead quiet for two minutes, before Maria screamed.

“Shit! Both of you are moving here? Holy hell!” Maria’s smile was as big as my own as she tackled me in a hug. “I’m so happy for you guys.”

“I know! I’m so happy too, even though you’re getting flour all over me and in my eyes!” I hugged her back and giggled. All the back slapping and ‘congrats’ in the background that were exchanged between the boys were drowned out by Maria’s high pitched, excited voice in my ear as she refused to let me up as we talked.

“So are you guys going to live with me?” I giggled at her thirtieth, or so question and rolled my eyes.

“No silly, we’re gonna find our own place here.”

“So you’re still going to work at Fuse, right?”

“Yes, actually, that’s kind of a big part of why he’s moving here with me.”

“So you’re totally going to have to find an apartment nearby, right?”

“We’ve got a budget to think about, but I’m sure we’ll be close by.” I finally pushed her off of me and was gratefully to see Alex standing over me with his hand extended.

“There is no such thing as a budget when it comes to you.” I rolled my eyes at his cheesy statement as he pulled me up off the ground.

“I know you’re getting more famous by the second sweetie, but there is still a budget.” I patted his cheek and then looked down to scan the damage down by Maria attacking me. The front of me was lightly dusted with flour, while my back was caked with it since she had tackled me to the ground that was covered in it. “Do I even want to ask how this started?”

“Her fault!” All three boys yelled in unison and pointed at Maria.

“He was the one complaining about being bored!” She defended and pointed at Jack who gasped dramatically.

“I was trying to hint at playing some video games or spying on those two.” He defended and I smirked as the two of them started to argue over whose fault it was. I walked between them, to the counter and picked up two handfuls of flour, throwing one at Maria and one at Jack, both hitting their faces.

“And now I ended it.” I crossed my arms over my chest in a triumphant way and watched as all their faces turned to playfully glare at me. I had just made myself number one target.