The Jocelyn Letters

"The sky is the limit."

You always used to tell me that when I didn't think I could do something. We'd walk along the beach together, chatting quietly as the waves rolled in off the rocks.

Thats where I am right now. I'm sitting on the beach, watching the sunset as the waves roll in off the rocks. The shushing noise from the waves is relaxing, but it does nothing to settle my nerves. My whole body is numb. It's cold out, but I feel nothing besides sorrow and...anger. You promised me you'd stay with me forever, but you lied.

Things were fine that morning, as far as I can recall. We were both joking around and having fun, at least it seemed that way. Was that all just a mask? A act? I can't help but think that it was something that I did, even though I know it wasn't.
This hurts more than anything else I've been through, and thats a lot. You know that as well as anyone in our family. They don't know as much as you did, and they probably never will.

Why on earth did you do it? Why did it have to happen to you? You were my everything and now you're gone, so where does that leave me? You know I've never been good on my own.

We'd always loved the rain, you and I. Who would have thought that the thing we loved would take you away from me.

It's been so hard for me at school these past few days. Everybody looks at me with pity, which we all know I hate. People come up to me and say their sorry, but for what? They didn't kill you.

I'm glad I have friends to get me through this, because I don't know what I would do otherwise. They are the only reason I get up in the morning anymore.
It's so dark out, I must've been here ffor hours by now. Everyone's probably wondering where I am since I purposefully left my phone at home. Right now, I need some time to myself and thats hard to get when everyone keeps calling you.
They think they have to keep watch on me constantly, and I don't like it. Sure, having Jullian and Mikey over all the time is fun, but it isn't the same without you hanging with us. If only you had just listened to me and stayed home instead of going out. But its too late now for 'if only'.

I'm cold, hungry and wet. Wet...of courase, it's raining again. It's raining just like the day it was you were taken away. But I enjoy the cold; it numbs the pain and makes everything go away. It numbs everything.

But the cold's vanished and I'm warm. Why am I warm? Whose arms are wrapped around me? Are they yours brother? Of course not, it's just Mikey come to take me away from here.

He's talking to me, telling me I'm going to be ok, but that its going to take some time. If only I could believe that. For now, I'll have to settle on putting up my own act. They'll never know the difference, not like you would.

I want to believe Mikey, and Jullian too, but they don't understand how close we were. Sure, they have siblings, but not a twin. They don't have a bond with their siblings like the one we had.

As I stare out the window of the car, I see nothing of the real world. What I see is our parents dying againm and then it changes to you. The tears are flowing endlessly now, they're becoming harder to stop. I never used to cry, at least not in front of people. It seems that its all I've been doing recently.

There's Jullian, waiting on the two of us on the front porch with towels in hand. I'm ushured inside towards the frieplace, which is crackling and spitting fire out. The flames lick away at the wood, eating it up.

Jullian and Mikey watch me quietly, knowing better than to say something. After a few minutes, I wipe my eyes quietly on the sleeve of my hoodie.They take this as a good sign and I'm enveloped in their arms. Yes, even Jullian has been hugging me lately.

I'm not alone. There is more to this I know. I can make it through, I will live to tell.

Does that sound familiar at all to you? It should, since it...was one of your most favorite songs ever. I listen to it everyday now, as a little reminder of sorts. But in a way, maybe it's a good reminder. A reminder of the way things are always going to get better.

I just need to move on, because we both know that this isn't healthy for me. I just want you to know...that you'll always be in my heart bro. Always.