Dude Looks Like a Lady

“Hey! I’m Bert.” He shoves his hand in my face and I shake it laughing.

“Lou. Your sound tech. Thanks for picking me up.” He shrugs and pulls me into a hug.

“We’re gonna get to be like family, ya know. You’re with us for the whole thing, right?” I nod and he grabs some of my bags. “You’re sharing with us. We thought you’d like it.” I raise an eyebrow, “You’re freshly married right.”

I suppress a growl but nod, “Yeah.”

“So you’re gonna be missing doing all the domestic shit.” He tells me.

I almost shriek with laughter, “You guys wanted a Mommy for the tour, huh?” I tease him. He nods and drags me onboard.

“Come meet the guys.” I follow him docilely to the bunk area and dump my stuff on a spare bunk. “You got a low bunk because we weren’t sure if you were gonna be pregnant or not…” He trails off seeing my horrified face, “Evidently you don’t think you are…”

I cut him off, “I know I’m not.”

He looks slightly surprised at this but shrugs it off, “Ok. Well, you can either swap with Quinn or Dan if you want a top bunk.”

I shake my head, “Sorry for snapping. I’m happy where I am. Thank you for having me.”

He laughs and hugs me once more, “Come on, you haven’t met anyone yet!” He picks me up and carries me through to the lounge area where Dan, Jeph and Quinn are seated playing PS2. Bert coughs loudly. “This is our new Mom and sound tech rolled into one.” He tells them tipping me onto their laps.

I land on the floor and lie there giggling, “Hey. I’m Lou.” I mumble and wave at them. The one with the sandy hair looks at me with a raised eyebrow.

“Quinn. You like the floor?” I shake my head.

“Bert dropped me.” I pause, “I didn’t think I was that heavy. Obviously I am.” I sniff a bit and the one with many tattoo’s pulls me off the floor and into his arms.

“Bert’s lovely but a bit forgetful of others. I’m Jeph.” I hug him back.

“Thanks.” I turn to the one left, “You must be Dan.”

He nods and we shake hands. “Jeph’s the lovely one. Everyone likes Jeph. Quinn needs coffee and I’m the typical Drummer. A bit dumb.”

I laugh and hug him, “You can’t be too stupid if you realise it.” I tell him. He looks a bit affronted but the others laugh it off, “Sorry. I’m a bit of a bitch.” I scratch my neck. “Actually – if you ask Mikey I’m a complete bitch.” I sigh and shake myself from my fit of the doldrums, “Anyway. Who’s had breakfast?” I ask the room in general. They all shake their heads and I turn to the kitchen area. “You guys want breakfast?” They nod. I roll my eyes, “Do you guys communicate? What do you want for breakfast?”

Quinn looks at me, “Coffee, please.” I nod and put the coffee on.

Jeph thinks and turns to look at me, “We have PopTarts somewhere. A chocolate one of those would be great, thanks.” I nod and root around the cupboards for them.
“Can I have one too, please?” Dan’s voice calls to me. I grunt a reply, which he was supposed to interpret as a ‘yes.’

I read the instructions and put four chocolate PopTarts into the toaster. “Bert!” I call through the bus, “What do you want for breakfast?”

He comes out of the bathroom. “Sorry I was showering.” I smirk and nod, “Uhm, toast would be cool. Hang on – are PopTarts being cooked? Can I have one too?”
I nod and get out four plates. I pour five cups of coffee.

“Come mess with the coffee to get it right for yourselves.” I tell them just adding milk to mine. I place a plate in front of each before cooking my own PopTart.

We eat in silence, each person just trying not to get burnt by the PopTarts. Finally everyone finishes and Jeph loads the in – bus dishwasher for me. My jaw nearly drops as he does this and he laughs.

“We can cope on our own. It’s just nice to be pampered sometimes.” He tells me.

“I am not massaging your feet and shit.” I tell them, raising my eyebrows,

“Ewww. Who’s shit have you massaged?” Bert asks, incredulous.

Quinn, Dan, Jeph and I all burst out laughing, as I struggle to tell him, “I meant shit as in stuff. I have not massaged anyone’s faeces.”

Bert’s face drops. “I held faeces on SURS.” He tells me proudly. I pat his head and smile.

“I lived on a farm for most of my life.” I tell him. He looks at me wide eyed.

“So what’s wrong with our dogs? Jeph shares a bunk with them… but they’re not happy.”

“Maybe they need a bunk of their own?” I suggest.

“He always shares with them. It stops them getting home sick.”

I raise an eyebrow, “I’m not a vet, Bert. I’m a farmer’s daughter. If you’re worried go and see a vet.”

“Could you? For us?” Bert asks.

“I’m paid as your sound tech!” I tell him, worried, that I really would get landed with being a Mom to these guys. I could barely look after myself. I’d ruined my marriage in a day. I’d kill these guys off no problems!

“We’re paying you for all the extra work you do too.” Jeph tells me, to my surprise.